My child is being bullied by a school govenour - sorry its so long

(39 Posts)

Please read and give me your advie because im at a loss of what to do???
It all started with my daughter being picked as the lead in the school play, all the children auditioned and she was chosen to be dorothy in the wizard of oz. She was great, she learned her part and all the other, sung solos, helped out when other forgot there lines, she really put her all into and was very proud. One of the girls in her class had ome up to her and said my mum said you shouldnt have been the lead in the school play and that you cant come to my party beause your goofy with yellow teeth (my daughter has orthodontal issues, nothing that cant be sorted out with a brace but shes to young). it took a few weeks for my daughter to tell me and when iasked her why she said it was because the mother was a govenour and that she was worried she would stop the teachers from liking her, so i went into to see the head teacher, told her the whole story inluding my childs conerns and left it with them a week later this girl was still telling my daughter some unsavory things her mother had said, several meeting with the head teacher and class teacher and i was getting nowhere, they would tell the girl off, she would cry and it would start all over again. Now i dont blame the little firl at all she was simply repeating things her mother had said to her. After a month of this becoming an almost daily occurance and trying to reassure my daughter and urging her to just ignore and walk away i demande a meeting with the head goveneour of the school, hoping for a resolution, he was aggressive towards me and my partner from the outset and even told my partner he wasnt allowed an opinion because he wasnt her dad, despite having been together 6 years and him attending 6 yeras of parents evening, school plays and collecting her from school. The head govenour said the women had admitted to the things she said, he had given her a verbal warning "a slap on the wrists" to quote and what more did i want? When i replied that given the severity and continuity of the situation i believe she should resign her post, he said this wasnt going to happen and if i tried to pursue this further he would accuse me of a "witch hunt" and bullying" and if i didnt like his decision i should take my daughter to another school, now i did onsider this but as its her final year i dont want to uproot her at such a sensitive time! So what do i do? This is still happening 5 weeks later. The little girl said today whenever my mum and dad talk they always mention your name. I cant believe its ok for her to say these things, not apologise, show no remorese for her actions, continue them, and i get threatened with bulling if i pursue my complaint! Where do i go from here? i would really appreiate some much needed advice. Oh and my daughter was told she was not being bullied because it wasnt hurting her inside or out, but its affecting her shool work, personality and sleep.

PoppadomPreach Mon 07-Oct-13 21:03:55

Please, please could you repost with paragraphs. Such a long bit of unbroken text is really hard to read. Sorry if this sees insensitive - but I think you will get more replies if you do.

Hawkmoth Mon 07-Oct-13 21:06:27

How awful.

Goandplay Mon 07-Oct-13 21:10:19

Think you need to go above the school - the education authority?

Keep a diary if all incidents. This governor sounds awful!

PoppadomPreach i appreciate your advie, im new to this, many thanks

Pooka Mon 07-Oct-13 21:14:33

That's awful.

I genuinely don't know where you can go with it though.

The head teacher cannot really chastise or discipline a governing body or a member of the governing body. Or at least as far as I am aware he can't. What kind of gvoernor is she (parent/community/la etc).

Does your local authority have a governor services section? Our la does. If we have a problem as governors we can ask for guidance. I wonder whether they would be able to help you?

What does your school complaints policy say?

What is the school doing to address the bullying - I know that the hurtful comments originate with the governor, but despite this the school should be dealing with the daughter relaying the comments since she is a pupil and it's happening at school. If she's in year 6 she is plenty old enough to know better and to keep quiet regardless of what her mother has said.

SanityClause Mon 07-Oct-13 21:15:47

Yes, if you have no joy from the governors, your next point of call is the LEA.

The school will have a published complaints procedure - try their website.

This behaviour by the mother is absolutely outrageous, and she is obviously bringing her daughter up in her image.

ihatethecold Mon 07-Oct-13 21:16:09

It's fine to read. Don't worry.
I agree that you need to go above with this.
How awful for your dd.

meditrina Mon 07-Oct-13 21:19:11

I notice you say that you don't blame the other pupil

But it seems really, really odd that a governor, who had already been warned about inappropriate comments, continues to talk about you and yourfamily on a daily basis. So odd as to be incredible.

Whereas a child latching on to a behaviour that upsets another pupil is as common as anything (unfortunately).

This isn't about what the other parent may or may not be saying. It's very much about what her DD is doing.

When did you last speak to the form teacher about this child's continuing verbal harassment ?

Davinaaddict Mon 07-Oct-13 21:19:56

I think that was a bit insensitive Poppadom - I managed to read it ok.

OP - didn't want to read and run. I'm certainly no expert as my 2 haven't started school yet. My first thougt was that it was actually this girl had taken a dislike to your daughter or was just stirring, but if she's admitted it, then that's a different story. Have you kept a diary of everything that is said and has been said? If not, I'd start one now so that you can have the details fresh in your head when you next speak to the HT. I don't think I'd be comfortable with a school governor admitting to saying such things to her daughter, who is clearly replaying it back.

Hopefully someone with more knowledge will be along soon.

Davinaaddict Mon 07-Oct-13 21:20:31

And a massive cross post there! <blush>

bundaberg Mon 07-Oct-13 21:23:25

ok... regardless of whether the other girl is simply repeating things or not, she has been told not to do it and she still is. SHE is the bully here.

her mother is unpleasant. but it's the girl herself doing the bullying.

i would speak to the headteacher again and tell her that unless this stops NOW you will be speaking to the L.A and making a complaint to Ofsted about their apparent unwillingness to deal with this bullying.

what I would want to do (but won't recommend) would be to wait for the other girl to come out of school, go over to her and tell her that if she EVER says anything unkind to your daughter again she will have you to deal with.

Pooka Mon 07-Oct-13 21:23:49

Yes - definitely get the school to address the issue of the bullying dd. She is not blameless - my dd is in year 6 and would absolutely know not to go along the "my mother says..." route. Partly because I am very careful to never be mean about any of her classmates and keep all school related info (am a parent governor) strictly under my hat, but also because she would recognise how unkind it would be.

bundaberg Mon 07-Oct-13 21:24:33

I would also teach your child to say, very loudly, each time this other girl says something to her "that is very unkind. leave me alone. NOW"

she could also tell her teacher every single time too, hopefully the teacher will get bored by this and keep a closer eye on them!

i had parents evening tonight and had to deal with her glaring at me from down the hall then listen while she and the head talked about me!
the school complaints procedure says i should given the oppourtunity to speak to the board of govenours and if im not satisfied to contact the local council.

But for want of a better word i was basially threatened into not pursuing this, i wasnt offered a meeting with the govening body and was told not to. The head govenour said he had spoken to all teaching staff and couldnt find 1 that had a bad word to say about my daughter, it felt as if he was looking for her to have done something wrong, but shes a good girl, a high achiever, polite and helpful and he couldnt find a single staff memeber who could or would say otherwise.

Pooka Mon 07-Oct-13 21:27:53

Write to the chair of governors asking for an appeal panel hearing?

Bunbaker Mon 07-Oct-13 21:29:31

"Please read and give me your advice because I'm at a loss at what to do???

It all started with my daughter being picked as the lead in the school play, all the children auditioned and she was chosen to be Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She was great, she learned her part and all the others, sung solos, helped out when other forgot their lines, she really put her all into it and was very proud.

One of the girls in her class had come up to her and said "my mum said you shouldn't have been the lead in the school play and that you cant come to my party because you're goofy with yellow teeth (my daughter has orthodontal issues, nothing that can't be sorted out with a brace but shes too young).

It took a few weeks for my daughter to tell me and when I asked her why she said it was because the mother was a governor and that she was worried she would stop the teachers from liking her. So I went into to see the head teacher, told her the whole story including my child's concerns and left it with them.

A week later this girl was still telling my daughter some unsavoury things her mother had said. Several meeting with the head teacher and class teacher and I was getting nowhere. They would tell the girl off, she would cry and it would start all over again. Now I don't blame the little girl at all. She was simply repeating things her mother had said to her.

After a month of this becoming an almost daily occurrence and trying to reassure my daughter and urging her to just ignore and walk away I demanded a meeting with the head governor of the school, hoping for a resolution. He was aggressive towards me and my partner from the outset and even told my partner he wasn't allowed an opinion because he wasn't her dad, despite having been together 6 years and him attending 6 years of parents evening, school plays and collecting her from school.

The head governor said the women had admitted to the things she said, he had given her a verbal warning "a slap on the wrists" to quote and what more did I want? When I replied that given the severity and continuity of the situation I believe she should resign her post, he said this wasn't going to happen and if I tried to pursue this further he would accuse me of a "witch hunt" and bullying" and if I didn't like his decision should take my daughter to another school.

Now I did consider this but as it's her final year don't want to uproot her at such a sensitive time! So what do I do? This is still happening 5 weeks later. The little girl said today whenever my mum and dad talk they always mention your name. I can't believe its ok for her to say these things, not apologise, show no remorse for her actions, continue them, and I get threatened with bullying if I pursue my complaint!

Where do I go from here? I would really appreciate some much needed advice. Oh, and my daughter was told she was not being bullied because it wasn't hurting her inside or out, but its affecting her shcool work, personality and sleep."

I want others to read this because this is horrific behaviour.

Bunbaker Mon 07-Oct-13 21:34:54

Sorry OP, I have just stuck some paragraphs in to make it easier for others to read.

I am a school governor and I am outraged and horrified at the sheer unprofessionalism displayed by this governor.

You simply must pursue this. Your local authority will have an association for the local governors. Failing that you could contact the National Governors Association

Have you spoken to the head teacher?

Failing that, the local paper?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunbaker i appreciate that, im so new to all the this advice anywere is very gratefully recieved

ZZZenagain Mon 07-Oct-13 21:55:08

write a formal letter of complaint to the head of the school, outlining briefly the problem, mentioning dates when you brought it up with the class teacher, the Head and the Head Governor, state also that the problem persists unchecked and that you have made the school aware of this.

Request that the school inform you as a matter of urgency of the steps they will be undertaking to prevent this behaviour continuing any longer and saying that under the circumstances it is not appropriate that this woman continues to act as a governor of the school. In this letter I would note that the response of the Head Governor was particularly inappropriate and unhelpful, that you object to him dismissing your partner's right to have an opinion about the child he is bringing up and to his threat to charge you with bullying if you should take the matter any further. I would point out that this is highly unprofessional behaviour on his part. State this has led you to have unfortunately little confidence in the school finding a suitable solution to the problem which is why you will be taking it further if it is not resolved to your satisfaction.

Send a copy to the LEA asking them to investigate the matter and send a copy to the National Governors Association with an additional letter as a formal complaint about your Head Gov where you specifically address his Treatment of you and your partner.

PoppadomPreach Mon 07-Oct-13 22:02:17

Thank you, bunbaker - and OP I'm sorry if I appeared insensitive,but I really struggle (makes me feel sick) reading a mass of writing.

I can see it is a really tricky situation and that it appears the governors are closing ranks somewhat. I agree with advice of raising issue formally with head and copying in LEA - this sounds like a very dysfunctional group of governors and I for one would question its capability to run the school appropriately.

Good luck and again, I'm sorry if I came across as abrupt..

PoppadomPreach - dont worry i need all the help i cant get lol

Pooka Mon 07-Oct-13 22:09:06

You should be aware though that pending investigation it is unlikely that the other governors will be aware of the complaint. They shouldn't be - they need to be completely unbiased from either side should a formal complaint be made or should you request an appeal panel hearing. If the chair were to copy them all in on your complaint he would essentially be crippling them from acting impartially if there were to be a hearing. At least that's the way we do things. So first complaint, chair meets informally with parents and tries to deal with issues before it gets to formal complaint stage and request for appeal panel hearing. He can not then sit on the appeal panel if it should happen because he has had knowledge of the complaint beforehand.

So it's not necessarily the case that the whole governing body are drawing ranks, but rather that the chair and the governor in question are the only ones party to the complaint IYSWIM.

Pooka Mon 07-Oct-13 22:12:47

And meanwhile don't lost sight of the fact that the teaching staff/head should be dealing with the bullying of your dd by the governor's dd.

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