Bullying or my daughter's issues?

[sarah4444]

I am so worried about my 9 year old daughter.

She has never liked school, I have tried to make her be positive about it, enjoy it. I have also tried out side school activities, she enjoyed street dancing for a while but then got bored of it. She was always struggled with friendships. She is not so much shy, infact the opposite she can come across as arrogant. For example she enjoyed the dancing for a while but did not make 1 friend in a year she was there,she simply did the dancing and messed about on her own. I don't think she was even aware of it.

School has become more and more difficult. Last year I moved her to another school after years and years of unhappiness. She used to come upset saying her peers wouldn't be friends with her, she was lonely. She said they bullied her. I actually went into her class for a year just to help out and be a fly on the wall almost. I couldn't see any problems. The teachers couldn't see any problems. They said she is quiet and pleases herself. She is well contained. She has the attitude if you don't like me then sod you, which is all well and good in certain situations but as I have tried to explain to her you have to get on with people, everyone is different, but everyone has something to give, but you have to give something to make friendships. She is abit different, while her peers talk about one direction, she is still very much a kid and wants to climb trees and have fun. She says her friends have told her they do not like her as she is a tom boy. Is this bullying or is this just the fact that she is herself and that doesn't fit in with most of her peers?.I have told her just because you have different interests than others does not mean you cannot be friends. She almost puts up a wall herself and judges them for not being like her.So she has been at her new school for a year and the same old problems are appearing. She is on her own after making a few friends she has lost them as she says they don't like her as she is a tom boy and she annoys them. Its breaking my heart.

She is rarely asked to parties or for tea. I am the one who suggests friends come round and then she does not get asked back. I cannot keep doing this, I don't even think I am doing her any favours in doing it anymore as she needs to understand how to do it, if she wants to?

She has begged me not to call the school as she said it will make the situation worse. I understand this but I have had to call them today and the teacher has been very understanding.There is a counsiller in the school and they will be very delicate that to make it an issue infront of her peers but will talk to her in the next few days.

After many years of worry I do feel this problem is partly her own, that's not worded very well. What I mean is if I moved her again she would more than likely have the same issues. Its not the school's fault or even her peers ( although girls can be nasty, we all know that! ), its her communication skills are lacking.It will be high school in a couple of years and she won't last five minutes if changes are not made now.

Also I have wondered if its partly my fault.Her dad is not in her life and I do tend to get away with things as I know she misses him and does not have a lot of family. She gets away with things that maybe she shouldn't. Having said this I have brought up my other daughter the same and she is a happy socialabe kid and a totally different kid.

I will wait to her from the school now, but what else can I do? austism has been on my mind for years but no one seems to listen and I don't want a label on her.

Am so sad.I just want her to be happy.

Sarah

[chocoluvva]

Perhaps an educational psychologist might be able to help? The ed psych might or might not point you in the direction of asd, but even s/he thought it might be worth investigating you would not be obliged to have your DD assessed.

[ICameOnTheJitney]

I agree with Choc for sure....I wonder...is it at all possible she might have Aspergers? That's a very bald thing for me to say I know...but some of the things you mention seem to point to that...the communication difficulties and you know that girls are excellent at "hiding" it because they quickly learn the appropriate responses but in actual fact, often feel all at sea in social situations.

Labeling her....if she WAS on the spectrum will only help her in the long run because she'd get help...help to socialise....it wouldn't hamper university entrance or anything like that. Society understands ASD SO much better these days you know and some of our most talented people are ASD.

I am. and as a female I can promise you that my social responses are all learned...as I grew up in the 70s though, there was nobody to help me. Had someone come along and said "You feel this way because of X" I'd have been so relived.

[ICameOnTheJitney]

ooh that makes me sounds like I think I'm one of the world's most talented people!

That's my ASD speaking for me there. I do sometimes come over as full of myself...it's a sort of self confidence that's born of "knowing" that I know best...sometimes I do and sometimes I don't....but anyway...it's a "thing" with ASD.xxx

[NoComet]

DD1 has never fitted in with her school peer group.

Dyslexic, so forgets names, faces, gossip, socially immature when younger, likes doing her own thing, didn't pick up social cues and doesn't give a monkeys what other people think. No idea why anyone one wouldn't put up their hand in class or do something that sounded fun, never pause to look if others are volunteering as DD2 would.

She's 15 she still likes climbing trees and having fun and she has Ranger guide friends who do too.

Never invited anyone home from senior school and never will, although she rubs along much better with her peers now than she did.

GCSEs have made them realise she is different, but she is bright and happy to be science TA.

You can put a label on a DC, and dyslexia gets her extra time in exams, and helps her understand who she is.

But it still doesn't stop social skills being very difficult to teach.

In any case DD1 wouldn't be her wonderful, kind, quirky teen angst free self if she did learn to be a X factor, boy obsessed, orange teen.

You can't make your DD school friends, but you can find her activities to do outside school and talk to school about activities within school that mean she doesn't find herself hanging about feeling a spare part.

DD1, sings, she is a school librarian and she does Rangers and because of Rangers she has 'we don't get teen angst standing around being boring either DFs'

[newgirl]

Does the school do circle time and teach social skills? My dd school had a weekly session where they talk about playing with each other etc. I do think there are practical things a primary school can do to help a child who struggles at play time.

They also have older play leaders who organise games that anyone can join in with. That helps remove the pressure to play with one or two other children.

I think secondary can be better as there are clubs every lunch time so plenty to do that is structured.

[charlottemaker]

This is an article which may help.

www.juniorscholars.co.uk/blog/child-parenting.html