Clingy classmate making life horrible for DD and friends.

[Secondme]

Hello.
Firstly, I was reading some of the other bullying threads and all of the children mentioned were younger than my dd so I am not sure whether this is in the right place. Also, I'm not sure if it is bullying but hoping the wonders of MN can guide me. Bit of background information.
DD is in year 7 and settled in fine. About a third of the year and her form are from her old school and so she has lots of friends. At the beginning of the year, all the girls kind of hung out together. Then they started splitting off into groups. DD had a small group but hung out with everyone. Then this other girl began to hang out with DD and her group. They let her hang out with them at first, as they weren't mean, but the girl became really clingy. I mean like not leaving them at all every lunch, joining every club they attended and inviting herself to join their groups in lessons.
This has been going on all year since about November. The girl has become more and more clingy and they cannot get rid of her. Another group of girls that DD is really friendly with also had the same problem as they hung out a lot, but then they told the girl to go away because they were fed up of her. One of the girls in that group has been quite mean to the girl clinging on to DD and DD feels this is not right, but can feel the girl's anger and despair. This meant she hung on to dd even more.
DD is really fed up of this and I feel really sorry for her. Apparently the children felt the same at the girl's old school. DD is worried because the trip to Germany is coming up soon and DD and her friends do not want to go on the coach with this girl or share a room but they feel that they might end up so because the other girls are already paired up.
I asked DD why they did not like this girl hanging out with them and she said because they have completely different personalities and she likes completely different things.
DD wants to tell the girl that they don't want to be with her in a kind way and not be mean because DD does not want to be a bully. The girl is very thick skinned and doesn't get hints. I can tell DD really dislikes her and I feel the need to do something to help her. Apparently today the girl listed DD and her close friends as 3 of her 5 best friends at the school.
Any ideas for what she can do? I don't really want to speak to the staff because I am not sure they will listen to me for such little things. Anyone been through this? Thank you in advance. Feel really sad that DD is not looking forward to trip to Germany.
Sorry for the long post.

[scratchandsniff]

I don't feel sorry for your DD I feel sorry for this other girl. Sounds like she just wants to fit in and make friends. Imagine being the mother of this other girl instead.

The 'friendship' will probably peter out anyway. Hopefully the other girl will make some genuine friends.

[Secondme]

She tells her Mother everything so I am surprised her Mother has not complained yet. She does whatever she can to cling onto DD even if it's mean.
Forgot to mention, she does have real friends in the form, she just chooses to cling onto DD and friends.

[chipmonkey]

Am also inclined to feel sorry for this other girl . At least your dd has friends, this poor girl has no-one who wants to be friends with her. I am also not sure that the school will want to be instrumental in isolating the girl.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

If she has real friends in her class why does she bother with your dd, why is she not with her own friends? Have you talked to her Mother?

[chipmonkey]

How can she have real friends and still need to hang out with your dd and her friends?

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

Also, if your dd hangs around in a group, why is the girl such a problem? I mean your dd and her group are not clones so surely at least one or two of them should have some common interest. Or do your dd and her friends just not like her?

[Secondme]

dd has seen her laughing and chatting with the other girls, but she always returns to dd after a while. I think she really wants to be friends with them, but I am not sure why

[Lwilliams101]

My dd was going through the same thing but the girl was actually really quite mean about people and did keep on trying to show off and to be honest from what I've heard she was just using my dd and her close group of friends to be popular and they just didn't like her if this is the same for you then I understand your concern for your child otherwise I don't see anything wrong with the girl she might just want to make friends

[DeWe]

I feel sorry for the other girl.

Hanging round with them at lunch time and joining the same clubs and wanting to be in the group at lessons-well isn't that what the rest of the group are doing? She wants to be friends, and that's how she is showing it, by trying to join in with the others.

I thought you were going to say she is clingy and won't let your dd be friends with anyone else. That can be a problem. Joining in with a group is fine.

Just because she laughs and chats with other girls doesn't mean that they're her real friends. She probably laughs and chats with your dd and her group.

DD wants to tell the girl that they don't want to be with her in a kind way and not be mean because DD does not want to be a bully. The girl is very thick skinned and doesn't get hints. I can tell DD really dislikes her and I feel the need to do something to help her. Apparently today the girl listed DD and her close friends as 3 of her 5 best friends at the school
That makes me feel really sad. She's probably a lovely girl who is desperate to make friends, and the people she thinks she is friends with, are hinting (which she may well understand but not have anywhere else she feels she can go) they don't want her. Actually, it doesn't make me sad. It makes me angry that this other girl is being rejected by the people she is trying to be friends with.

Having completely different personality and interests is no reason for your dd to really dislike her.

[JumpingJackSprat]

I feel sorry for the other girl too. she is just doing what friends do, spending lunchtimes together and pairing up. maybe you should look to your own daughter and why she isnt willing to give this girl a chance.

[samuelwhiskers]

I am not sure what the problem is except your DD and her group don't want this girl in their group anymore because she has different interests and a different personality. In which case I would explain to your DD that probably quite soon, this girl will get sick of her group and go onto another group that suits her more and in the meantime it is a fact of life that we don't get on perfectly with everybody all of the time. In the meantime they should all accept her as part of their group.

I don't see how a school trip would be a problem if they are a group either. As others have said, can you imagine the mother of this girl and how she feels.

[adeucalione]

You say that your DD 'really dislikes her' but the only explanation given for this is that they have different personalities and like different things - and that's no reason to really dislike someone.

Good grief, if she was unkind, or bossy, or causing trouble in the group then I could sympathise but, from your post, she is simply trying to fit into their friendship group.

If it is a large group, can't they be kind, welcoming and empathic? This is the message I would be giving to my DD, not pandering to her worries that she might have to share a room with her on a school trip.

[Nagoo]

The problem seems to be that your DD is being two-faced?

Sniping and bitching about her behind her back isn't very nice.

If the girl has joined the same clubs etc. then that shows that she has the same interests? If your DD and her friends don't like her then in 'grown up' life I'd say to make excuses, distance yourself from the person you don't like, become unavailable to her.

I don't know why it's such a problem to your DD. She is not looking forward to her trip because of this girl? What is the girl doing to her apart from trying to talk to her?

I think your DD and her friends have decided that this girl isn't good enough for them, and it doesn't matter what she does, they will reject her friendship.

[OrangeFootedScrubfowl]

I feel sorry for the other girl too!

[jamtoast12]

Sorry but your dd and her friends sound very mean, I think you need to address your child behaviour no the other... How nasty :(

[seeker]

You are remembering to take half of what your dd says about this situation with a pinch of salt, aren't you, OP?

[LimburgseVlaai]

I was in this situation in secondary school: I had two very good friends, the three of us did everything together. Then a fourth girl started hanging out with us, even though we had nothing in common with her. We did not want to hurt her feelings, so we just stayed neutral to her, but she did not take the hint and she kept clinging on. Her suggestions on what to do were always completely 'off' and it was so clear to us that she just didn't fit in. It became very awkward and difficult and she was definitely spoiling our fun.

In the end, when she invited herself along to a sleepover that we had been planning for ages, one of our group of three (not me, I'm a wuss) said to her: "Look, we like you, but you're not really part of our group, and this is something the three of us want to do."

I felt very sorry for her, all three of us did, but we did not want to have her tagging along all the time. The girl then found a different group who were a much better fit.

Now some of you will say: You horrible bitches, poor girl, etc. But at the time it felt like a huge big deal: our plans, our fun, and our physical space, were being invaded by this girl, and it really caused us a lot of anguish. If one of our group had not been so blunt, perhaps it would have led to a much nastier confrontation.

[MadBusLady]

Look, all that's happened here is a slightly socially awkward girl has tagged on to a group for a bit, and they're all having tremendous fun amongst themselves pretending that this is a massive problem for them, because this allows them to bond (ie against the girl), and you are colluding in that.

Your DD knows perfectly well that brush-offs and emotional distance are the decent thing to do, and that "saying something" to the girl would be nasty, so she is looking for your tacit approval to do it - which you are giving by indulging the idea that this is a big deal. It really isn't. The friendship group will have fractured and reformed a billion times by Y11 anyway.

[hazelnutlatte]

When I was in year 7 I was the 'clingy' girl in the group. I knew that I wasn't wanted and it was very hurtful, but I was socially awkward and felt it would be just the same if I tried to join a different group. I wasn't any different to the other girls really but was singled out because that's what bullies do - your dd may not be a bully but she is being influenced by the other girls in her group to isolate this girl. I don't know what to advise because if your dd stands up for this girl she may find herself isolated too, so its a difficult situation.
I eventually found some real friends, but it took a long time and I still look back on that time and feel angry about it.

[LucyLucas]

Is the girl mean in anyway? Otherwise she is probably just a poor soul trying to find friends. I have never experienced this personally but witnessed it at school with friends. I remember the girl was constantly putting people down, etc.

[Secondme]

LimburgseVlaai yes, I think DD's situation is very much like your own. (It is also DD and two close friends). I have spoken to DD about the situation and about how the other girl must feel. DD has realized that her actions and feelings towards the girl were wrong. She said that this week they have hung out in a bigger group with other girls and this has made everyone feel much more included. Thank you all.