My DD is 9, to cut a long story as short as possible - her core group of 6 good friends have all turned on her & are making her life hell at School - under the "leadership" of one scarily manipulative
little madam - who was also her good friend - there has been problems with this girl before, but DD has always been very sensible & takes her as she finds her & Ironically pre Xmas holidays, having had the girl here a few times I actually thought she had improved a lot & perhaps grown out of old ways, she was actually very pleasant, which in the past has not been the case - how wrong I was - if anything her coming here & my spending time with the girls teaching them sewing etc seems to have kicked her off again :(
DD didn't get back to School first week & half of term as she was very ill - she was desperate to get back & see her friends, but on getting back - well its just awful, not good as DD has stress related health problems & she hadn't fully recovered from being so ill :(
The School as always are being brilliant - the Head actually picked up on the potential for problems after a few incidents last term & asked if I would like DD booked in with the School counsellor so she could off load, as its a difficult age with friendships & her missing the beginning of term could exasperate that - lots of other measures in place too, so its not how to approach the School etc that I need help with, as I'm very lucky & they are being brilliant :)
What I need is ideas on how I can best help her deal with this, as on top of dealing with bullying - which she has coped with well before - she is literally grieving for her friends & is so emotionally fragile its scary, it's badly effecting her health & I just feel useless :(
Situation is - 1 girl as mentioned above has set her self up as lead bully (like Sharpay form HSM as DD puts it) & is manipulating the rest of the group into doing her bidding as regards who to pick on etc etc - another once good friend (we've even taken her away with us :( ) is now her main side kick, but it has been another girl up until this term -
Everything did seem fine at the end of last term, but since getting back late to School she has been accused of not been ill at all & making it all up for attention & lots of similar stuff which as she was very ill is deeply upsetting for her
last year DD stood up to lead girl & refuses point blank to get involved with picking on other kids or bitching about other girls or generally just fawning over her in a false way - the others just go along with it because they are scared not too - 2 least involved have told DD this - one girl actually came to me & told me all about it, naming this girl & saying she is making the others be nasty to DD - basically backing DDs version 100% - whilst looking over her shoulder literally scared she would be seen :(
Lead bully is also lying to the others telling them things DD has said about them that aren't true & some are believing her - often deliberately whispered loudly in ear shot of DD :( & LG is following DD around at play, asking seemingly innocent questions & then reacting loudly as if DD is being nasty back - looking to get DD in trouble with staff - thankfully staff are aware of the situation, so its unlikely to work, but DD is in pieces & feels persecuted.
DD has already tried breaking herself away from the group & playing with others - this didn't work - not many girls in her class & playing with the boys brought its own problems, which also upset her- gawd boys can be so sexualised these days
- so she started hanging out with a lovely natured older boy she knows from YC who took her under his wing & no presumptions - this resulted in the girls telling her loudly - 3 main ones on mass - you're either OUR friend, or you might as well go & kill yourself - the older boy went to the Head & told??.shes tried playing with younger ones - similar problems
lots more, but basically under the direction of 1, it seems they are trying to wear DD down - they won't be her friend unless she toes the line & does as manipulative lead girl dictates - but won't let her play with others without giving her hell :( - School have strategies in place that are helping this - this has resulted in them shouting she;s getting special treatment - she basically can't do right for doing wrong:(
Part of me wants to tell her to smack the Lead Bully HARD when no-one is looking as would have been the norm in my School days 
- but thats not how it works these days & TBH its just not DDs personality, if she was well, or needed to do it to protect someone else, she's more than capable, but its just not her - she's even worrying about making things worse for the weaker girls who've owned up to being scared if she tries & speaks much to them :( -
so I'm basically just consoling her & trying to get her to see that its not HER & that theres 2 reasons people hate others - they either want to be them - ie jealousy, or hate themselves & the victim reminds them of themselves - I think from some of the things said to DD in this case it sounds like the former
but how can I help her deal with grieving the loss of her actual Bullies - I'm just so sad for her & feel useless - anyone else been through this & have any tips
sorry for the long post - getting it off my chest I suppose
TIA
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Bullying
Bitchy Group Of Bullying Girls - *WERE* DDs Good Friends - How Can I Help Her …...
rockinhippy · 20/01/2012 11:42
as the mother of a child who was bullied (to the point of wanting to kill himself) by one little shit who terrorised others in to joining in the bulling I really do feel for you and your DD.
f the girls were friends before can you speak to the parents? Maybe you will find some like minded parents who will help their child get away from the influence of the evil little bitch who is ring leader.
It is good that the school knows what is going on and can support her. Is there only one year group per year? Is there any way the school could split the girls up at all?
Thanks both of you :)
your situation sounds very similar Mecha though not a village but a City School - & very few girls in class - less than yours & only one class per year - though sadly the boys in her year didn't help - she did start playing with some of them, but then had them coming up & asking if she wanted sex - generally their attitude was "why are you playing with us if you don't" - scary attitude from boys so young - hope they grow out of that one or I fear for their future GFs PDQ - DD was outraged bless her & its put her right off - TBH - she is trying to play with others, even in other years, but they keep on harassing her for it - they only leave her alone if she's on her own without playmates & she's already complaining of feeling very lonely :(
Ribid - I have decided to speak to the Bully Girls main side kicks Mum as I know they will be very supportive & very disappointed in their DD & will deal with it, they are a lovely family & I actually feel bad for mentioning their DDs name at the School meeting without having spoken to them - but a bit nervous as my texting her & asking for a reminder of school rules on returning after illness, was obviously mentioned to her DD - innocently no doubt, but even that has been used against my DD - ie, my asking about diareah & DD telling them she was off with stomach trouble meant she was lying - so Ineed to be careful for fear of making things worse
I do know & mostly get on fine with the ringleaders Mum, but I've had a run in with her before over another issue with her DD a few years back - it was far less emotive than this & her attitude stank - never did apologise, though she did make a deal out of been very stressed - I'm tempted though & need to work out how to play it - if I get it wrong, it WILL definitely make the situation worse - she also thinks her DD is "very sensitive"
& DD does go to youth club, but we had to miss it this week due to it clashing with MILs birthday - DD was distraught, scarily so :(
Ironically she walked up town with me a few weeks ago, telling me she was thinking of trying for a Scholarship to a local private school for her DD as her elder DC went off the rails at secondary age, they had hell with said DC, only just settled down this last year or so -
we've been thinking of doing the same for our DD - she's G&T & despite us playing it down, not told anyone etc, its already causing her problems at School & thats WITH her "friends" also being very bright, so worry how it will be for her with a more mixed group of abilities - DD is choosing not to take part in some activities already because she gets a hard time for doing well - even BEFORE doing well :( - so we thought its something we need to look into - speaking with RLs mum put me off
I am just at the reaction of the boys in her class! Time will make things better, but that is not much help now I know :(
How true Daisy how true.
The mother of the little shit who was bullying DS1 was so far in denial she gave the queen of Egypt a run for her money, she had the parenting skills of a dead fish, she would turn and look the other way when her son was doing something evil because if she did not see it it was not happening! If anyone ever spoke about her son to her she went running to her husband who was sent round to kick doors and make threats, they picked on the wrong family though as when he came to the school with his half brother and threatened me I had him, the half brother and the devil child arrested 
the kid had been kicked out of 2 play groups and beavers FFS. He left a message on another friends answer phone pretending to be my son and we gave that to the police and a copy to a friend of mine who is a child Psychologist and their take on it was the child was a nut job showing psychotic behaviour.
Mummy dearest moved her younger child from the school when devil boy went to high school but they have caused as much trouble at the other schools as well, and mother still thinks her children are perfect and victims
Hi everyone
Thanks for the further comments, I'm currently trying to calm myself down, as though I do believe the School & Head are generally good & DD is getting good personal support in this, after a conversation this morning with the School counsellor, prior to her seeing DD & a comment she made as regards DDs male Teachers comments on the situation - he apparently thinks DD is bossy & manipulative - this is the same Guy who at a recent parents evening told me & DH that DD was one of the most helpful & pleasant DCs he's taught & that whatever we were doing, to keep on doing it the RL we've known since nursery, she's been DDs friend since then & it sounds far more like a description of her than DD
& now reading comments here, I'm not quite as sure as I was that all that can be done to nip this in the bud PDQ, has
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying DD is perfect, she isn't, she can be very bossy, but several of the group are the same & so they often clash & fall out as a result, we tell DD off for that too, the girls have even worked out strategies themselves, so that they take turns in calling the shots :) but whats going on now is far more than that :( I''m open to DD been at fault too, but her friends confirmed DDs version, as does a few incidents I've observed myself, one only this morning :(
DD really seemed to really brighten up Friday, helped by her having playmates & one of the group breaking away & joining in & playing with her too, she's owned up to finding it very difficult to concentrate in lesson ATM because of the RL & mainly one other slyly bitching at her in front of the Teacher, but out of view IYSWIM - I stood out of sight this morning & actually watch this happen through the class window :(
Also off her own bat DD found the Schools maths website & spent time beating her scores & winning medals & points for the School on there, this really boosted her confidence, as she's said that she feels she has been doing badly with it in class, so was disappointed in herself, so doing well really perked her up??she then found another section of the site that listed off who was top medal earner from her School & realised she had just overtaken the RL main side kick - she was visibly shaken & tearful, worrying it was going to make things worse, I had to talk her round to see that the best thing she can do is to succeed DESPITE what they are doing, as that will mean she wins not them :(
by yesterday she seemed much brighter & though admitting to be nervous she was still looking forward to going to School - on getting her in & waiting whilst she took her coat off - the RL SK came past DD spoke nicely, if a bit nervously - SK just glared at her & pushed passed DD to get into class - in front of me - DD spent time out of class, with a support teacher as she was in tears again, & also had diarreah again - she was tearful at School pick up again - & again diareah & stomach pain last night.
I'm hoping that once the School counsellor gets talking to DD & she opens up things will get moving, but I can't say I'm too impressed by her opening the conversation by saying she's heard DDs lonely & asking "what do I think is wrong with DD & what makes other DCs not want to play with her "
she's generally always been very popular, though I do know she can be bossy, isn't perfect & I also know she tends to get on better with older DCs, but I would never put her down as been manipulative or dishonest - she's so rubbish at lying, that on the rare occasion when she has & has gotten away with it, within a few days she has broken down & is sobbing her heart out to me for for doing wrong & "being bad" - no-one can be harder on DD than she can be on herself & I know she hates bullying & has stuck up for friends DCs & class mates before over it, even as far back as nursery - even against the RL, so I do trust her reasons for being picked on now are that she refused to take part & be used by RL to bully others.
I want to reply properly to all your points, very valid all of you & really sorry your DCs have gone through this too, its heartbreaking :( but please excuse me if I don't, feeling quite ill ATM
@rabid - I don't blame you, situations like this do get you like that :( - I personally feel like I want to scream :(
@ Gumby no not yet, I've been hoping to see her at School,rather than ring her but haven't & I already knew she had a lot of stuff going on so part of me felt bad for adding to the load so to speak - ironically DD was worrying about an older DS - turns out she thinks he too is being bullied, as she's seen him sat on his own & in tears several times & has heard rumours that a real nast peice of work in his class is targeting him :(
& also as DD picked up over the weekend, if I'm honest I didn't want to drag it up again, both for me & DD, as the stress is making us both ill, so a weekend off seemed like a good idea all round - now having heard the counsellors interpretation of DDs teachers situation, I just don't know what to do this Mum works at the School, though in a different area, so doesn't see what goes on, but what if this is really his view of it & he's mentioned it in the staff room though that said, I've friends who know this same counsellor via their own DCs & really weren't impressed - she's seemed lovely to us & DD adores her, but I can't say I blame them when the counsellors opinion was that their autistic DS's behavioral problems were down to the mariaige break down - years back *& theres "nothing wrong with him" - turns out she'd not read his note properly & missed his diagnosed AS status
:) Thanks Daisy I'm glad you clarified that -lol, but yes you are right, there is a lot of truth in what you say as regards only DCs, hence why its something DH & I have worked very hard with.
We have a couple of only DC adult friends who lovely as they are, are nightmare primadonnas at times & once we realised DD was to be an only DC its something thats scared the hell out of us as far as she goes, so we really have made a conscious effort to intergrate DD with other kids & make sure she keeps her feet firmly on the ground & take no nonsense from her - so yes she can be bossy, but in a normal 9 yr girl way, not OTT in the way thats implied by what the School Counsellor said this morning, she's actually a good mediator, even School reports says she is " good at resolving conflicts etc" & she's pretty much always the class mentor for any new kids, so the comments, if they've genuinely come from her teacher have come as a bit of a shock & I really do feel they have got it wrong
Having just had her up & very ill with diareah again, worryingly so, as the Counsellor is meant to be helping her calm down, so that her health problems settle, not make things worse :( but it appears she has also told DD she thinks the reason her friends don't like her now, is because she is too bossy
- even if that were the case, which I know isn't, as she really is no worse than the 3 bossy ones of the group - surely thats the wrong way to go about it with an already ill & currently very fragile DC??
Ironically she has had a better day today, after a bit of a blip this morning, her "friends" have been much better towards her she even felt confident enough to sit at the dinner table with them, though the RL is still accusing DD of lying all the time, which she isn't - even her name is wrong apparently & RL is going to ask me -
but from that it seems the real reason for DDs recent awful treatment is coming to light - a School contest - if DD drops out, the RL & SK go through, otherwise they have to compete against DD - DD entry stood more of a chance of getting through - DD was partnered with another boy - they've persuaded him to drop out - though DD says it the boys Mum thats made him drop out - which even though DD heard the RL crying to him, begging him to drop out - DD believes, as " he's a nice honest boy Mum, he wouldn't lie :( - RL & boys Mum are good friends - sooooo DD announces shes not competing, shes too nervous to do it alone as she knows they will laugh at her during the contest - & suddenly they all want to be her friend again -
the contest has been one of MANY things they've been hounding her over since she came back to School, so it wasn't obvious, but the timing of it all now makes sense
The other thing I'm not too happy with, basically DD refuses to be a sheep, why is that wrong - her being accused of being bossy by the others, is mostly because she refuses to do as she's told by RL & be mean to who ever the RL decides - this was confirmed by the other girl who spoke to me too - So - wouldn't it be normal proceedure to speak to the girls seperately to allow them to be honest without fear, rather than to listen to the word of a group, over 1 DC?? - this doesn't seem to have happened, I'm still waiting on a reply to that question from the Head, though in fairness I know she has been busy with meetings
DD has had a really tough time of it this year, lots of health problems & accidents, long time on crutches etc & her friends have basically turned on her when she needed them most :( - this has hurt her deeply & shes telling me, that she just doesn't want them as friends any more, she's happy to be polite, play with them now & again & some she understands just haven't been strong enough to stand up to the RL, but DD just doesn't want to be part of their gang, but just to be left alone when she chooses to go & play with others & to be able to do her lessons without them constantly telling her she's doing it wrong - she just sounds so grown up & sensible - not manipulative & bossy, just fed up & not wanting to be a sheep
The counsellor has told me not to discuss it with her & vice versa, but Dd is very hurt that she's not being believed, got to say from what I'm seeing I don't blame her - a few comments the counsellor made as regards DDs health problems didn't sit right with me either - found myself having to stress strongly that you can't fake diareah, & that I SEE it & DD has Dx of IBS -- also despite my ringing last week, she called back litterally just before going in with DD, I was fighting migraine, so she caught me on the hop, so gave me no time to prepare - I;ve insisted on face to face meeting, but starting to wonder if she's actually the right person to talk to DD
I'm waffling, its late & I'm still migrainey its getting me down - so appologies :)
Thanks lop37 & I'm sorry you went through it too - & the after school clubs is VERY good advice, she does go to YC, but think we need to find more for her - especially as she's worried that the RL SK might be joining YC soon too :(
I've just got the reply that the girls WEREN"T spoken with individually, but that will happen now - can't say I'm happy about that at all, seems the most obvious thing to do in a situation like this - so much for the Heads "thank you we need to get to the bottom of this quickly, as if its not nipped in the bud, by year 6 a pattern will set that will be hard to break
Thank You :)
& good luck with yours too Daisy - I'm going to look for your thread, but just incase I don't find it - if its not already been said - have you thought of contacting the EWO ?? - with another probably worse, but more obvious situation my DD was in a few years back, I found doing that really made a difference
Well little update - I've not yet had the full meeting with the Head, so don't know the full details, but seems at least one of the girls has been brave enough to speak up & be honest & the Head now knows it has been going on as reported & even longer than this term -
I was aware DD was sometimes having problems with the RL before now, but thats nothing new, it's been that way since nursery & DD is quite grown up in dealing with that & takes her as she finds her - the SK had been causing problems too & I know she was often winding DD up, as in DDs words "she just can't keep her nose out & when the others fall out & can't just let them make up again & forget about it without SK going on & on & winding it all up & causing them to fight again - generally DD was complaining a lot about the general dynamics of the group & the constant bickering, bitching & fighting & I know it was all really getting her down
So I'm not expecting DD to be whiter than white - in the Schools eyes at least - she can be stroppy & WILL stick up for herself & would no doubt tell the RL & SK what she thought of their behaviour last term - I know another of the group who was always previously so sweet & polite, was badly picking on the girl who spoke up to me too as I had to pull her up on quite outrageous & bullying behaviour at DDs party - though I did also notice the RL giggling with her over it, which did make me wonder even then what was really going on behind that too
Anyway, from the brief chat & message I have had, seems like we are on the first steps to sorting it all out - I hope so at least - DD has to be in class with them so I will work with her to move forward on this, whilst still looking out for herself & I will have a word with the Mums to when the opportunity arrises - it is only one, maybe 2 who are at the centre of this, so hopefully the rest of them are now strong enough to stand up & say NO!! - yesterday in class, AFTER the individual chats - RL was picking on DD again, calling her "traitor" - according to DD the rest left her too it & didn't back her up
I'm still disappointed that DD wasn't believed earlier though, or at least investigate properly as has now been done, it really made me realise, that no matter how good a School is with bullying - this School has been good in the past with us, or at least tried to be in difficult circumstances, the can still get it very wrong &kids suffer as a result :(
I'm really sorry you and your daughter have been going thru such a hard time. I came to this page as even now (27yrs) I'm still a victim of bullying.
But after reading your story my heart broke again because your DD sounds exactly like me when I was a kid. And can I just say that NO she is not to blame for anything she sounds like a true victim and like me she just sounds like she has a little spark that the bullies try to stamp out of her because of jealousy or that they know she's an easy target. (The analysis and reasons list could go on forever..)
My "best friend" and I have been friends since I was 4 but during primary school she relentlessly bullied me. The exact same things happened to me that you mentioned above - getting left out, bitched about, verbally brutally picked on (it gets worse and worse in time). My BFF made me feel stupid and worthless and has been doing so for 24 or so years - so from personal experience it doesn't get better.
Every year she would get a new best friend and bully me with the new followers help. So I was always her best friend who was being dumped for a new best friend every year until BFF got sick of the new friend and sucked me back into being her best friend again by being sweet and "nice"
I also have a chronic illness (CF Cystic Fibrosis) so it can be similar to IBS and my body would react from the stress - also speaking as someone who can struggle with health issues its so hard to muster up the strength to confront these bullies as you don't have enough physical strength to deal if things go badly (eg bitch girl denying, twisting the story, lying etc)
Trying not to ramble sorry!
As I grew up I had a very low opinion of myself as a result of the constant bullying. My Mum helped be thru all of it at school by talking about my troubles at home and helping me believe in my strengths. Because of her un conditional love I like myself as a person and I have (somehow) managed to come out of school without any serious trauma...
Sadly this BFF continues to act like she did in primary (20 something years later so I'm not even having a jab its actually true) and has surrounded herself with a "fan club" or "possie" that are (sickly) obsessed with her and yes exactly what you said they're like her sheep. Because I was pushed to the edge (physically & mentally) I started to stand up to her (pulling her up on her behaviour) I copped some of the nastiest (understatement: abusive) treatment from her. (And surprise surprise! I wasted my breath - because nothing changed!)
And it's just so funny reading your post and what was happening to your daughter is still happening to me.
So even if teachers or parents or peers talked to this (your) bully girl I strongly feel that it wouldn't help as its just this girls hard-wired personality.
The only thing that I could ever do to deal with bullies is walk away.
(Change class or school?) (sometimes later in life I stated my case and told them how they treated me was wrong)
And if I could go back in time that's what I would've done when it first started happening. And it would've hurt exactly like grieving - but it's sadly the only choice.
Occasionally I got so angry I confronted her - but to no avail as that'd just make her see red. And when ever I gave up and tried to make new friends she got so jealous and possessive of me and sucked me back into being her friend and soon as she knew she had me again she'd go back to bullying me.
Its a vicious cycle. And I came to this forum because I'm grieving the loss of that friendship - and I'm still confused (about what I did to deserve it - but I didn't do anything) so now I'm healing and
ONLY BECAUSE I REMOVED MYSELF FROM THE GROUP and found nice people I have a lot in common with through my Drama Courses and amature theatre groups :)
It?s difficult with school because what if the new school has a bunch of bullies but this girl you?re talking about if definitely toxic? I really hope things are going better for you. At least she has a good mum and that?s what got me through 
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