Just need to get it off my chest

[UpsetMum007]

Hi! Name changed. Just need to get something off my chest!

There has been a boy (let's call him B) at DS's school that has been mean to DS since last term, including putting him down, name calling, a couple of punches, shoving etc. When this first started to happen, it was purely verbal. There was one incident when DS was very upset, and so I had a word with the mother of B, who I actually knew reasonably well. B's mother was "good" about it and B apologised to DS. Although B's mother did try to justify her son's action and tried to shift some of the blame to DS).

Unfortunately, things got worse from there and actually became physical at times! DS was upset but didn't want me to get involved again as he thought that me getting involved made the situation worse. So I left him to try to deal with it but ensured he told me about any incidents. DS tried to avoid B most of the time but B still managed to be mean to DS whenever he got the chance. It got worse in the last 2 weeks.

DS has been so angry over the incidents over the last 2 weeks that he said something not nice about B and it led to another incident. B told his mum (his version was of course DS provoked him although B neglected to mention the other incidents). B's mum of course wanted to talk to me. B's version of course was slightly different to DS's version. And before I could say anything, B's mum also insisted that B will never lie, and is usually sensitive and caring etc. And of course she was "worried" that my DS has problems and is picking on B. I was speechless. I couldn't even defend DS and try to give DS's side of story as it was obvious that B's mum was not going to believe anything I say if I tell her that B has been mean to DS etc. Then she went on to say how I have made no efforts etc. (When we had first conversation months ago, she also shifted some blame on me and not telling her earlier etc).

Anyway, DS and I have been reading a book on Bullies etc (thank you for the recommendation by another MN). I found it very useful for both DS and I and I have to say it's so right! The book says Bullies often have parents who are bullies themselves or they think the sun shone out of their children. Bullies always shift the blame to the victims!! And I am so glad I read the book as it helps us explain the actions of B and B's mum.


Sorry this is so long. I am just so worried and angry that I need to get it off my chest!

[PinkToeNails]

I did some voluntary work in a primary school last year and the difference in the children when their parents were present was unbelievable. When the parents were there (on sports day or other events) the children would act like vulnerable little angels. However, on a daily basis some of these children would be nasty little rascals.

I'm not sticking up for this lady in any way, shape or form, but sometimes parents just can't imagine that their DC would act a certain way when they haven't seen it with their own eyes.

I hope everything gets sorted soon. He sounds like a nasty little bully who needs to mend his ways and that's not going to happen if his mum can't acknowledge what's going on. The teachers must know what's going on. Is it worth getting them involved now?

[UpsetMum007]

Thank you, PinkToeNails. I think you are absolutely right that some kids just behave so differently in front of their parents and when they are with their peer. The school is not involved yet as DS thinks adult intervention will just make things worse. I'm making sure that DS is keeping me up to date with any more incidents. We are now keeping a diary and the book on bullies we are reading is helping too. And if gets worse, we might have to get the teachers involved.

[sarahr70]

my son is going through the same thing..he is 12...it's been going on for over a year now....school have tried to brush it under the carpet...but it's heartbreaking to send him off to school everyday & waiting to see what has happened that day...I've now written to the governors telling them exactly what has been going on...the times I've had to pick him up early because he's been knocked to the ground, kicked & punched...he's had concussion twice...broken fingers....still no help from the school...because they are your children you want to do everything you can to protect them....I'm now waiting for a reply from the governors that is satisfactory or I will go to the local education authority...and if needs be the local papers...I really hope you manage to sort it out sooner rather than later...

[UpsetMum007]

Hi Sarahr70. Sorry to hear that your son is going through similar thing. It is heartbreaking, isn't it? I so want to protect DS and I feel so helpless and angry at myself at times! I can't believe your DS's school is not doing anything despite all those injuries. Your poor DS. Surely all those injuries are good enough proofs that something is wrong! In my DS's case, unfortunately, in most incidents it's B's words against my DS's words and so hard to prove. Hope you get some positive results from the governors soon. And I hope all will work out for both your DS and my DS.