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Find advice from others who have experienced school or workplace bullying on our Bulllying forum.

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Find advice from others who have experienced school or workplace bullying on our Bulllying forum.

Bullying

Worth telling DD's teacher? Or am I over-reacting?

28 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 16:59

DD started a new school in January, she is in year 5 so 9 years old. Obviously it's early days yet and she is struggling to find where she fits in woth friendship groups etc.

Over the last week or so she's been playing with two girls, I'll call them C and A.
Today at break she went outside with them then they said they had to go to the medical room for something and that she couldn't come but that DD could wait for them by the door to the playground and they'd be back to meet her in a minute.
So she waited and by and by some other girls came along and asked her if she was waiting for someone. She told them C and A were coming to meet her and the other girls said that they would go and look for C and A.

By and by the other girls came back and said that C and A were in the quiet area of the playground as they were 'tired' and my DD was 'asking them too many questions' so they didn't want to play with her any more.

DD was a bit upset when I picked her up from school. I'm wondering whether to mention it to the teacher or maybe it's just nothing.
It seems a bit mean to me.

Any advice gratefully received! :)

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FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 17:01

Sorry for lack of punctuation!

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scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 17:02

She will soon settle in and find nicer friends.

Can you invite anyone round for tea so that she can develop friendships?
I wouldn't say anything to the school just yet but just monitor the situation.

Acanthus · 04/02/2011 17:03

It's something and nothing, isn't it. Just support her.

BeerTricksPotter · 04/02/2011 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Acanthus · 04/02/2011 17:04

Why on earth have you put this in bullying?

BeerTricksPotter · 04/02/2011 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coatgate · 04/02/2011 17:05

If she is struggling to make friends, then yes talk to the teacher. But in my experience this sort of low level bullying is quite commonplace amongst girls of this age (and gets worse ime). It hurts like hell to watch, but I am sure your DD will be fine. Is it all girls. My DD is at an all girls prep and the bitchiness is horrendous.

scurryfunge · 04/02/2011 17:05

Acanthus, presumably the OP thought this might be the start of some bullying.

AllSheepareWhite · 04/02/2011 17:06

Not really bullying as such, obviously very upsetting for your DD who is trying to find her way in the school. Maybe because she is so keen to make friends she is coming on a bit too strong? These things take time and girls can be very insensitive and mean to each other, much more so than boys. To be honest there is not much the teacher can do other than sit her with different people or ask a child to look out for her, which can breed resentment if that child is not interested. If it escalated towards name calling and worse I would tell the teacher as that is bullying.
I would have a chat with your DD to find out who she likes/dislikes and suggest that she flit between groups until they know her better. She will naturally integrate, it just takes time especially when friendship groups may have been formed since Reception in some cases.

FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 17:08

Sorry Acanthus, where should I have put it?

actually the reason she moved schools in the first place was due to a bullying situation so I am a bit sensitive to it.
I just can't stand the idea that it might all start again.

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pozzled · 04/02/2011 17:10

I wouldn't mention it yet if it is just one incident and she's only been playing with them for a week or so. C and A certainly weren't very kind, but by year five children often don't play with the same friends each day. Has your DD made any other friends? I would probably advise her to find someone else to play with on Monday if possible, rather than relying on them.

Obviously if she keeps feeling excluded it will need addressing, but I'd encourage her to have a word with the teacher at that point, rather than doing it yourself straight away.

Goblinchild · 04/02/2011 17:10

Is it bullying, or is your daughter being a bit needy, asking lots of questions and overloading a couple of other nine year olds?
Sounds like they didn't know how to disengage without getting into trouble for being mean.
God knows we have enough adult females posting here about the same problem with other adults.
I'd tell the teacher, she can help diffuse a potential situation and encourage the inclusion of your daughter amongst a wider group.

FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 17:11

Thanks for all the replies, just need some perspective. It really helps so thanks.

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FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 17:15

Yes she's played with quite a few different girls and groups.

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 04/02/2011 17:16

Framey

I would second the suggestion to ask a few friends over to play after school (one at a time). It's much easier for them to make friends this way.

Also, this is hard to phrase without sounding horrible, but is there any truth in how the girls feel? Is your daughter 'different' or 'intense'? If she is, it would be good to really address that in some way - either in a 'this is how you are, real friends will love you anyway' or in a 'if you act in 'this' way, x will happen, maybe if you try 'y' then it will be easier to make friends'...

It's too soon to say anything to the teachers, you are being (understandably) sensitive due to her previous experiences.

I moved schools (countries) at your DD's age and I do remember how difficult it was to find your place. It takes a while to work out who's who and what they are really like.

FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 17:21

I don't think she is ChippingIn, but I don't know how she is at school. She is dyspraxic so she gets lost quite easily and it's a big school. She gets stressed if she doesn't know where to go so I think she probably tries to follow other girls so that she doesn't get lost. (I told her to do this, maybe not the right thing to do?)
I don't think she has made a good enough friend yet who we could ask to tea. :(

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 04/02/2011 17:33

Framey - do you have any friends that would be completely honest with you if you asked them? If not, maybe have a word with the teacher and ask them what they think?

Personally I don't think they need to be 'great friends' before you ask them home to play for an hour or two.

Do you do the school drop offs and pick ups? Could you suggest to one of the other mums that you take the girls for a hot chocolate after school? Or invite them both around for afternoon tea?

I think you can be quite proactive without being pushy.

I don't know jack all about dyspraxia so I don't know what to suggest, except to reassure her it wont seem so big after a little while. I went from my little school to one with 1500 kids - I used the school map for a while but soon got used to it - but as I said, I don't know how her dyspraxia affects her :(

FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 19:16

I don't think so Chippingin, all my friends think DD is fabulous as I do! :)
I've asked DD if there is anyone she would like to ask round and she said she doesn't feel as though she knows anyone well enough yet.

I can't really interfere as it being a middle school most of the children walk to and from school on their own or with friends so there's no Mums at the school gates really.

There's a school disco coming up and she's adamant that she doesn't want to go :(

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FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 19:18

And thanks, Chippingin for your help. Sorry to sound negative. Just feel awful for her if she's going to be unhappy at this school.

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FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 19:22

Why do girls have to be so mean to each other though? Why do we just accept this and not try to change it?
:(

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 04/02/2011 19:25

Framey - it's OK :) I expected you to have thought of most of the options - but you just never know and one of them might be helpful.

I think a school disco is quite a big thing to go to if you don't feel you have 'a friend' to go with. How would she feel about going if you were to volunteer to be one of the 'helpers' (if you are still allowed to do that without a CRB! ).

I guess all you can do is stay positive (in front of her) and reassure her that it takes longer to make friends when you get older, but that it will happen and keep reminding her that you are happy to help her in anyway that she wants you to, her friends are always welcome etc etc etc yadda yadda yadda...

Don't assume she wont be happy... be positive and just remind yourself that it takes time to settle in somewhere new x

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 04/02/2011 19:31

Framey - I honestly don't think they were being mean as such. They are all trapped in the school in their lunch time, they can't 'go out' for lunch etc. We all have work colleagues we like 'well enough' but you also have friends at work and sometimes you just want to have lunch with your friend, without inviting the other(s) along. In time the new colleague might become a friend, but it isn't instant is it?

At 9 they have friends, they have secrets, they have shared likes/dislikes and they want to talk about 'stuff' - they aren't little kids not sharing the ball nicely anymore.

I don't think it's 'mean' just 'growing up'.

I'm guessing that being a middle school they don't have a friends bench?

Is there anything she wants/is allowed to take to school to do at lunch time? Is there anything she could take that would help her make some friends to play with (elastics etc).

Acanthus · 04/02/2011 19:54

But it's not bullying, it's not even mean, it's just life. I see that is the background in your mind, though. She needs to be able to deal with this sort of stuff in her own way, you can't do it for her.

hocuspontas · 04/02/2011 19:58

I don't think they were mean. They obviously wanted to a break from her and didn't want to upset her, so by making an excuse and going to another part of the playground they probably hoped she would go and find someone else for a while. They weren't to know the other girls would repeat their excuses to her and would probably be embarrassed if they realised. It must be difficult to settle into a new school though and I hope she finds some friends soon. If you want to talk to the teacher you could have a general chat about how she's settling in, who she gets on with etc with a view to inviting them back. Good luck!

FrameyMcFrame · 04/02/2011 19:59

That's a good analagy and you're right, it will just take time. She's joining the choir and doing some other lunchtime clubs such as Irish dancing so hopefully friendships will happen naturally from shared interests.
I do feel for her re these two girls though as she was really happy about playing with them over the past week and she kept talking about them. I do think it was quite mean to leave her waiting there for the whole of playtime. Ahh she's still my baby and I hate thinking of her being upset.

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