Long-term effects of bullying

[TheBookcase]

Hi all.
My DD is 10, currently in Y6. She was originally a very confident, outgoing child, and still is like that to a degree around adults. Around her peers, she tends to be awkward and hesitant. We moved house at the very end of Y1, and consequently she was moved to a new school. At her old school she had friends, got invited to birthday parties, the normal scenario. However, at her new school, she wasn't invited to a single birthday party for all of Y2 and in the playground she would be excluded from the other girls' games ("Only four aloud to play!", that kind of thing). It got to the point where she wouldn't want to go into school in the morning. By the end of that horrible year, she had become fairly self-sufficient, making up her own games in the playground. It really broke my heart at the time, to see her like that. We had talks with her teacher and the headteacher as well, both of whom acknowledged the problem, but neither acted to make life in school easier for her, or have a word with the other girls.
The situation improved slightly when DD moved into the junior school (same school, but different head and playground), she made a few friends, was aloud to participate in clubs etc. But this unfriendly atmosphere, especially among the girls, still persisted. Most of Y5 we spent living abroad. My DD has been back at her old school since September, and it seems the few friendships she had before, have become a lot more fragile. A girl she has always thought of as a friend wouldn't invite her to her birthday party and my daughter explained this to me by saying "But I am not popular. If she invites me, that means she will be less popular." I was shocked to hear so acute an explanation by a ten-year-old.
Other girls at school have called her "evil" and "weird", and even though I talked to the headmistress, she wouldn't talk to the girls involved, just saying that they "might do something general about name-calling" - as if that ever made any difference...
Needless to say, that all those years of being excluded etc. have taken their toll on our family as well. We have got a seven-year-old son, who loves his sister to bits, but often she would come home from school and take her anger and frustration out on him.
I am still at a loss as to how to deal with the whole situation, how to make life better for my DD. And I am very worried about secondary school, because bullying there can take a much nastier turn.
We could go abroad again, because my DD didn't encounter any of the nastiness there that she is exposed to here. And I am worried that if I leave it for too long, she will become permanently withdrawn.
I am hoping to hear from other mums who are/have been in similar positions, just to know that we are not alone out there.
Any strategies etc. that have proved to be useful for you would be much appreciated.

[Witchofthenorth]

Hi, I haven't experienced this so my thoughts on the situation may be quite limited......for that I apologise!

Is there another school she may attend nearby, I understand that this may not be possible, also would it be an option to home school? We as parents are legally obliged to provide an education to our children but that could be provided by us, lots of info online for it if it is an option for you? She could get social interaction from people she feels more kin to from local resources as opposed to the relationships she has to ( or as the case might be does not have) forge in the playground......

I hope you manage to find a solution, it must be heartbreaking :(

[atah]

I am very inetersted as we are in a similar situation. My DS is 1 year younger, but we are looking to move him to a new school this year and have the same concerns and doubts.
Its soul-destroying for the child and so painful for us to watch helplessly.

Hoping someone with useful advice arrives soon...............

[TheBookcase]

@WitchoftheNorth
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have considered home-schooling, and I know a number of home educators who pulled their kids out of school for exactly this reason. In the end, I decided against it, mainly for two reasons. My DD is still a very sociable girl, loves having friends come round or go to other people's houses (which sadly happens rarely). If I home-schooled her chances to socialize would be very limited, since we haven't got any family where we live. And despite all that happened, she is very enthusiastic about the academic side of school and soaks all information and ideas that come her way up like a sponge.
So in spite of all the deficiencies the school has, she still benefits from certain aspects of it.

[TheBookcase]

@atah
Sometimes it is a small consolation to know that one is not the only one out there, and I have a feeling that this is a lot more wide-spread than it seems. In my experience, schools are very reluctant to acknowledge that some kids are bullied and they downplay what is happening.
You used a very fitting word, "soul-destroying", because that is exactly what it does to a small child that is constantly being ostracised by its classmates.

[hamsterB]

Hi - My 12 year old daughter is in her first year at secondary. She is muscally gifted, emotionally more mature than many peers, has strong sense of morality, is articulate in many areas (but not in response to bullies' abuse) and would never show violence. She has been bullied horribly by a small group of peers. You MUST not allow your daughter's school to tolerate this behaviour. Long term bullying can, in severe cases, lead to serious psycholgical disorders and even suicide. At the first sign, be it verbal, physical, online or by text / call, make a diary. Keep detailed notes. Present as evidence to school. Do not leave until they take action. Such as - removing bully from class, changing seating plan, teaching targets of bullying assertiveness skills, opening up topic of bullying and generating discussion in class. Will post more later but need to go to bed just now. Don't ever send your daughter the message that she has to toughen up - she may believe it is her fault and she is to blame.

[crystalglasses]

My dd1 was seriously bullied and i spoke to the school about it. Problem is that I started to cry, or get a lump in my throat every time I spoke to a teacher about it, so i couldn't express myself properly. It deterred me from doing very much about it and I feel so guilty that I let her down.

[Callisto]

I was bullied at school for several years and the long term effects have been low self-esteem, lack of confidence in myself, always feeling like I'm on the outside. It also had a detrimental effect on my relationship with my parents. It has taken me 20 years, an adoring DH and some proper, supportive friends to get over it.

My advice is get your DD out of that school because the longer she is there the more damaged she will become and the less she will trust you to keep her safe Good luck.

[TheBookcase]

@hamsterB
Many thanks for your post. Your advice re:keeping detailed notes of incidences to present as evidence is very good, and I have come across it in some of the other threads on here, so I will definitely do that in future. I hope your daughter is fine now. The way you described her, she sounds similar to mine (apart from being athletic). I sometimes wonder whether a lack of empathy and moral standards might not come in handy, if you want to be popular in school and be with the in-crowd,

[TheBookcase]

Those are exactly my worries. My daughter has only got a little over a term and a half left at this school, so it wouldn't be worth it to send her to another primary for such a short time. However, I worry that once she starts secondary school, she will automatically adopt her old persona again, the one that presupposes the other girls' rejection, and that she will always remain on the outside, not thinking herself worthy enough to join any groups, because she has learned that she is unpopular.

[munstersmum]

Get formal with the school. Ask for a copy of the anti-bullying policy & their complaints policy. Put your concerns in writing to the head. (highlighting if you can where they are departing from the policy eg not providing a safe & sound learning environment, not making the bullies apologise). Name calling should be listed in the policy as an example of bullying behaviour. Ask for the name of the governor who takes a lead in this area.

I think now you can also write to OFSTED direct if you really get nowhere & they will bring up at next inspection. Or maybe you might just like to tell the school that is an option open to you?