aaaaahhhh!!! dd at the rough end

[bookeater]

Why do girls behave like this?!

Dd's a lovely girl, a bit reserved perhaps but doing her best to join in and make friends in yr 8. Now her best friend has been poached by another girl who had similarly been left out, and dd's attempts to make new friends are leading to others feeling left out.

Everyone feels left out (!) but they're all blaming dd!! And it's not her fault. She's just the scapegoat beacuse she's the quiet one. It's getting nasty now so I have to talk to the school about it for the first time.

Dd will kill me if/when she finds out. Can I ask the school to act without saying I rang in? What can they do? I know all friendship groups have shake downs but now they are all piling into dd in a nasty way.

Any comments/advice please, especially about how to broach the subject with her year head?

[bookeater]

Anyone got any advice - please.

[frazmum]

Sorry to hear about your DD. My DD was bullied last year in Y8 and the teachers did say that age group are the worst sadly.

It would be far better to get your DD on side and go to the school together. Just ring the school and make an appointment telling them what it is for.

We left it for too long, a few months and it got to the point DD rang me after being at school an hour wanting to come home.

Our school were fantastic, put procedures in place to protect DD and deal with the bully. There were no repercussions back on her and from that moment on no problems - apart from the usual girls arguments, but not to the point of bullying again.

I wouldn't go behind your DD's back as the school really need her involvement to fix the problem.

[bookeater]

Okay, thanks for sharing your experience. I think she feels so humiliated that she would find me telling the teachers difficult.

Interesting that you say that age group is the worst - wonder when it improves...?

Any ideas for strategies dd can adopt to deflect the flak from the Queen Bees?

[frazmum]

Well Y9 seems better.

It is very hard dealing with the Queen Bees - I remember girls like that from school. My DD has a tendency to get very argumentative so our main strategy was for her to avoid those situations. Ignoring can work, but it is very tough not to bite back.

Tell her not to feel humiliated, sounds like they're only picking on her as she is an easier target and it is a situation that has now got completely out of hand and needs adult help. Kids do need to stand up for themselves, but there comes a point when intervention is needed.

Please tell her about my DD - she was reluctant for ages to tell the teachers as she thought it would make things worse. But from straight after the meeting she felt a lot better and is now so much happier at school.

[bookeater]

Thanks for the encouragement .

I would love dd to stand up to them because I think that does help but at the moment she is afraid they will hate her more if she doesn't fit in with their little "chats" .

What can the teachers actually do? It's hard to know whether to intervene because one of the girls actually apologised to dd today (others are ignoring her or telling her that a particular problem is all her fault when it isn't.) I would hate to jeopardise some possible good relationships because dd was being seen to have "told on them".

Bit of a nightmare really...

[bookeater]

Going to have a telephone conversation with her teacher in a minute... any advice?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Follow up this conversation in writing. Keep contacting them regularly as well.

You and your DD may want to read "Queen Bees and Wannabees" written by Rosalind Wiseman. Its a good book on girls behaviour in adolescence and the strategies contained within it could help you both (it certainly helped my friend and her Y9 DD).

[IloveJudgeJudy]

I second the going into school, but try and get your DD's agreement first.

My DD had a problem in Y8 and very reluctantly agreed (didn't want to) to my going into school. It got sorted. The people were spoken to, but it was done in an all-class kind of way and DD's name wasn't mentioned.