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bullying year 7

25 replies

ebs78 · 04/11/2010 23:12

I have been lerking on MN for a long time picking up advice, i have never posted before but could really do with some advice about my DS who started secondry school this year.
We moved house just before the end of year 6 and as a result my DS is at a school where he did not know anyone previously.
Almost straight away a group of about 6 boys from his form has started bullying him, the useal name calling, threts and mild phisical violence.
some examples would be comments from the other boys such as 'you have a bed in your house to rape people in.' and 'you black shit.' as well as lots of 'arseholes' and 'fuck you's' this in addition to having his stuff 'accedntaly' knocked off the table and being repetedly hit round the head.
We had open evening yesterday where DS has loads of positive feedback from teachers about his academic proformance and confidence in class etc. He left fealing really good about himself. Fast forward to today where he came home in floods of tears after a really dificult day where these boys taunted him all morning. at lunchtime he had a hot drink on his tray, one of the boys began shaking the tray so his drink spilt, he was really cross and in response knocked over the other boys drink, things got heated and DS had the sense to leave the lunch hall and go to the bathroom and sit in a cubical to cool down. The boys followed him in and began throwing wet tissues over the door. this behaviour continued untill DS lost his temper and ended up fighting with one of the boys.
The schools response was to call all the boys into the key stage leader who discussed it with them. After this all the other boys were allowed back to class except for DS, in addition one of the boys was allowed to go and play in a school football match, and my DS was told this was ok because it was for the sake of the team.
I feel really upset at how the school have chosen to respond to what is gong on.
So tomorrow I will need to spek to the keay stage leader and was hoping someone may have some advice on how to approch the situation.
Appoligies for spelling and grammer, dyslexic and slightly pissed!

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Tabliope · 04/11/2010 23:21

ebs, sorry to hear of this. Very similar situation happened to my DS in year 7. I would make sure in the first instance you report the racist language. They will take that very seriously (I would hope anyway). Terrible that one of the boys was still allowed to go an play for the team. Try and not get confrontational about it though. Tell them about the racist taunts and ask them how they'll be dealing with this if it carries on. I'd also tell them that you'll be informing them of every incident in the future regarding these boys if they carry it on. best of luck.

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hester · 04/11/2010 23:25

I don't have any useful advice, but want to offer my sympathies. I really hope things improve for your ds soon.

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ebs78 · 04/11/2010 23:32

Thanks for the advice Tabliope, to be honest the racist stuff isnt my main concern, as we live in a raciallymixed part of London, but i know the school have a duty to take it seriously. I'm more worried that i might not be confrontational enough!
Thanks Hester, your sympathies are very appreciated.

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Tabliope · 04/11/2010 23:41

You know best how to approach it ebs. It's such a difficult situation. I would ask for an explanation how the school thought allowing the boy to play in the football game was acceptable and what kind of message that gives the bullies and see what the school says. What you want is action from the school so a few awkward questions from you might get you that. If it's ongoing and the school can't stop it I'd tell the school to inform their parents that you'll be phoning the police. I've said this before and some people's reaction is that's ott but I've regretted in the past not doing this sooner for my son's sake as some of these little bastards are very persistent. Your DS sounds great - probably jealousy but that doesn't mean anything when he just wants to be left alone to get on with enjoying school.

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ebs78 · 04/11/2010 23:54

Thanks so much for your advice Tabliope, that makes alot os sense to me. I'm normally really confident but somehow when it comes to teachers it all goes to pot. I think the thret of police isn't ott if the school can't manage these boys. Did your son get it sorthed in the end?

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Tabliope · 05/11/2010 00:16

I know exactly how you feel. It's such an emotional thing for you. It's hard to keep your feelings in and deal with it when you feel angry and upset what's happening to your son. I had an ongoing dialogue with my son's school but it disintegrated. They left him in a vulnerable situation a few times where he had to fight back but got into trouble for that. Fair enough but they shouldn't have put him in the situation in the first place because if they'd fulfilled their duty of care it probably wouldn't have happened. He's in a new school now and happy. Try and stay calm, write out your questions, make notes if you have to. Be business like about it - assertive straight talking about what you expect from them and tell them you'll be closely monitoring the situation. Take a friend if you can for support. Bring up the racist stuff as they will actually feel the pressure to be seen to be dealing with that and that might be enough to knock it on the head. Good luck. Let us know how you get on. Wish I could offer you some better advice.

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ebs78 · 05/11/2010 00:53

Taking ages to reply as sitting with a hungry 5 week old. Your advice is very helpful actually, thanks. I'm glad your son is happy now. I am really hoping it will not end up in a school change, everything else about it really suits him. The attitude to bullying just seams to be all wrong in some schools. They have suggested a mo0ve to a different form, but to me that feels like they will have bullied him out of his class. They are really keen to focus on the aspects of DS personality that cause this group to dislike him. Just so wrong, it?s not about them liking him its about them leaving him alone. Ds has been in trouble already twice for fighting back too. Surely its their responsibility to ensure he dosent need to. Sorry for ranting, you are right it is very emotional.

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Tabliope · 05/11/2010 10:04

ebs, totally agree with you. I had the same response and I just don't agree with it - focusing on aspects of DS's personality that cause this group to dislike him. Every piece of literature you read on bullying says it is not the victim's fault that the bullies will find something to pick on and it shouldn't be down to the victim to change their behaviour but the bully. Yes, you need to try and help them by not reacting as that draws more attention or doing something that will make them an obvious target (being more aware of how they come over) but it shouldn't be down to them to change their personality - we're all different, why should someone have to deny their personality if they're not harming anyone else or going around irritating someone deliberately. As you say, the main point is the school should be focusing on getting them to leave your DS (and anyone else) alone. Agree with what you say it should be their responsibility to ensure your DS doesn't need to fight back. I think in my situation the school tried to deflect some of the responsibility back to me and my DS rather than doing more to stop it. It's horrible and I hope you get it sorted and if that means asking the school to inform their parents next time something happens you'll be phoning the police what else can you do? The law is if you do something twice it's harrassment. No wonder you're tired with a 5 week old. Hope you get it sorted today. Tell the school you're monitoring it and if nothing changes over the next few weeks then you'll be considering taking this further. Ask them what they are going to do - it's a school situation and you're expecting the school to sort it out. I had one situation where a parent wanted to meet with me at the school as her DS didn't like the way my DS reacted when being bullied. I refused, telling the school (nicely) it wasn't appropriate and I felt they were absolving responsibility. I told the school to tell her if her DS didn't like the way my DS reacted then tell her DS to stay away from him because my DS wasn't the one approaching him. Eventually this is the one I threatened the police on and it stopped dead.

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Tabliope · 05/11/2010 10:11

Forgot to say, I also didn't agree with a form change for my DS. The people that need moving are the bullies. If your DS has to move then he has to start all over again making friends which is not fair on him. It's early days, ask for the bullies to be moved - they won't do it for all of them as it'll be too much trouble but ask for the main one to go at least. Say you want them to get a clear message of the consequences of bullying and you didn't feel allowing one of them to take part in a football match straight after was a sign of that.

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ebs78 · 05/11/2010 12:24

Its horrible isnt it. I'm sure that staff bulling dosent have to go as far before its taken seriously in school. I called them earlier and left a message but do far no reply. I am going to suggest they move the ringleader, i can't see any other solution. I'm going to call again now in the hope that lunch is a good time to catch them. Will update with their response. hoping I have more success with the school than you did but have a horrible fealing that given their early response its going to be an almighty battle.

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ebs78 · 05/11/2010 12:48

The year and KS heads are both teaching, so I may have to wait till the end of the school day, its so frustrating.

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Tabliope · 05/11/2010 13:19

Hope you get hold of them before the end of the day so you don't have to worry all weekend. It's the waiting each day for your DS to come home to see what's happened during the day that got to me. It could be they are letting them off with one mistake hoping they'll settle down but that's not much help to your DS. You're right, if it was staff bullying they'd probably go off sick if it was bad, or move jobs. Kids don't have that choice. What about calling the deputy head. Say you're most concerned and didn't feel it right to leave it till next week.

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ebs78 · 05/11/2010 13:53

I'm pretty hopeful they will call back really. You are right about the waiting to come home, I felt so guilty this morning sending him off to school. There was another incident last term where one of these boys attacked DS, who fought back, both were disciplined but in fairness to the school the other boys parents were called in and they made it clear to us that they didn't hold DS responsible, but this was the same boy who got to go to his match after yesterday?s incident. Think i just have to wait and call them again after 3.

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Tabliope · 05/11/2010 14:24

Shame it has carried on since primary. I would make sure the high school know of this incident too as it might sway them to move the boy into another class. They need to know there is a history with this boy. Hope your DS has had a good day.

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ebs78 · 05/11/2010 21:16

sorry i should of said before the half term. No my Ds is new to the area and didn't know anyone when he started.
I have arranged a meeting with the KS leader on monday, hopfully we might manage to get some action.
Thankfully DS had a really good day today as the had a day of activities outside their forms.
Think i'll just get everything down on paper over the weekend and be prepared. thanks again for the advice.

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Tabliope · 05/11/2010 21:33

Good luck with it. Glad he had a good day.

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meandtwolittleboys · 05/11/2010 21:47

At your meeting you could suggest that a meeting is arranged between form tutor, year head and all parents of boys involved.
Like you have identified, there is usually one ring leader. After such a meeting, if the boys have supportive parents (to the school and to you), then the bullying could stop.
You need to discuss the school's bullying policy and ask what sanctions will be laid down in the future for the bullies.
If you don't believe it is being taken seriously enough, or handled effectively enough, then ring the school directly and ask to speak directly to the Headteacher.
In the meantime, is there any other boys or friends your son can hang round with? Can he join some lunch time clubs, where he can meet new people and spend lunch times away from the bullies? Lunch time is often when bullying happens, as there are lunch time supervisors around the school, but less teacher presence - at break time teachers have a better presence as are on duty around the school normally. Is there a safe room your son can go to if he needs it? Tell him to stay in sight of lunch time supervisors and move near them if the bullies approach.
Good luck. If the ring leaders are cracked, the others will follow.

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Jellykat · 05/11/2010 23:03

ebs78- What a sad story.

My DS2 went through similar in yr7 last year, he didn't know anyone else either.

It really seems the school is not dealing with your DSs bullies seriously enough. The bully in my sons case was put into isolation after the first offence, and actually excluded after the second. They are good mates now, i think that a lot of boys in yr 7 try to be kingpin, because they have moved from being big in a little school to vice versa, even more reason for it to be nipped in the bud immediately!

I'd kick up an almighty stink if i was you, your DS is in a very vulnerable situation,not knowing anyone else , which the school are aware of. Does your school have a buddy system? Perhaps you could ask them to introduce your DS to a 6th former,who he can go to, and who would be willing to keep an eye open?

Good luck!

n.b the schools anti bullying policy should be in the prospectus..

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ebs78 · 09/11/2010 07:58

meandtwolittleboys and jellycat thanks, been so busy over the weekend with my 1 year old and 6 week old that I didn't get a chance to read your posts.
I have a meeting this morning with his Key Stage Leader. I also sent her an email yesterday setting out all the incidents.
Jelly I think you are spot on, it?s all about the pecking order.
I have been reading their policies over the weekend so feel more able to confront them with it now. I think the school do have a buddy system so will ask about it today.
meandtwolittleboys, He is keeping well away from the boys in question, I am encouraging him to take part in clubs, as I think it?s a really good way to establish new friendships.
I am hoping that my email will have given the teachers something to think about before the meeting and with it all down in black and white, I think it will be a lot harder to suggest that it is DS personality that is the problem. Thanks again for your words of wisdom.

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Tabliope · 10/11/2010 00:22

Hi ebs, how did the meeting go? Hope you don't mind me asking.

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ebs78 · 10/11/2010 12:38

Hi Tabliope, Really well thanks. I was so surprised. The school were very aware of what had been happening. Thankfully they seemed to really take to DS and see that he was the victim. DS has been given an internal exclusion next week, I'm not overly happy with this but I do realise the school has to discipline him for fighting. All the boys who have been bullying him have also been given internal exclusions.
Thankfully DS is quite mature and has asked his class teachers to move him away from the boys in question when he has been seated near them, think this really helps the school see that he is avoiding conflict.
I did tell them that I thought it was unreasonable for them to consider DS moving form, they agreed that if DS did not want to then it would not be the right decision. I also asked about having the ringleader moved from, they said that at this stage they did not want to do this but if the bullying continued they would consider it. All in all they were really positive about DS and very clear that they saw the situation as bullying.
Also appears that the football issue was not as bad as I thought as this particular boy was booked in for an hours detention the next day on top of an internal exclusion.
I am really hopeful that they can get this sorted but also know that saying the right things does not always mean doing the right thing. I will see how it goes over the next week and if things don't significantly improve will ask to meet with them again.

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Tabliope · 10/11/2010 17:02

That's really good to hear. Glad that they've acknowledged that it is bullying - my DS's old school gave a mixed message on that. Our situation was very similar but your school sounds better - more clear cut in what they are doing and doing. Hope that's the end of it for your DS and he can start to enjoy school.

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Tabliope · 10/11/2010 17:04

saying and doing sorry

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ebs78 · 10/11/2010 19:57

Thanks. I hope so too. Your advice to ask awkward questions was really good, and will keep it in my mind for any future problems.
Oh and by the way love your name.

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Tabliope · 10/11/2010 21:30

Thanks ebs. Hope it works out well for your DS :)

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