bullying mothers...please help...

[lols59]

My daughter is 6 and has just started year 2.
Her first year at school (pre school) was very positive. In year 1 i decided to go back to work full time. Things didn't go well for my daughter. My husband works away often and we have no family around us, we moved to the area a couple of years ago so have no family support.
LL was put in "nuture group" at christmas with 3 other girls in the class, all of whom have strong personalities. I fully supported this and took the realisation that ll was exhibiting challenging behaviour v seriously. LL was negative in class and often made some of the other children bad by her hurtful manner. There was no physical behaviour, the teacher said she needed "tweaking" and more positive reinforcement to help her feel better.
I resigned from my job, which i loved as my childs happiness is much more important to me. LL is doing so much better and we spent a wondrful summer together.
The problem is a group of other mothers who have made it very clear that i and my daughter are to be excluded.When i walk in the playground it's all eyes down as nobody will acknowledge me an i stand alone.
I've been in and spoken to the teacher about concerns around scapegoating and she stated that she "wished all the mums were like me". This helped me to feel better for a while.
We took ll to the cinema on Saturday only to find that there was a birthday party that included every girl in her class. The girl holding the party is friends with my daughter and they have recipricated at parties inviting each other for 2 years. I feel that this is cruel and needless and while my girl is quite stoic about it i'm distraught at the vindictive behaviour and feeling emotional. My husband thinks i'm being a "victim" and over reacting, but i'm dreading the school run and would really appreciate any advice from mums who may have experienced this. I should also point out that the other 3 girls sent to nuture club were at the party.

[c0rns1lk]

are you sure dd wasn't invited? Could she have lost the invite?

[lols59]

when it was the girls birthday LL went up to her in the playground in the morning and sang hapy birthday to her. Mum stroked my daughters head and told me how nice it was. The child then said she wasn't having a party and later when LL found out in class that she was ( other girls chatting) said, sorry i didn't invite you, i thought you were moving house.
If they didn't play together, i would understand, but they do. They also sit at the same table.

[c0rns1lk]

Could it be a mix up though. The other girl could have told her mum you were moving maybe?

[lols59]

that's very generous of you but really, was i doing a moonlight flit? I was in the playground all week.
There has been talk of us moving and we may in the future, i don't think that's a reasonable explanation, i feel it's an excuse.

[c0rns1lk]

yes probably - just trying to see if there is a reason. I would talk this over with the taecher. Something is not going right for your dd.

[Acanthus]

I don't think you can talk to a teacher about a lack of party invitations, tbh. You can ask wther your DD is getting on ok socially in school, but that's about it.

[onimolap]

Yes, it could well have been an excuse; you'll never know.

You say in OP that your DD had a terrible time in Y1 and that this had an impact on her classmates. I don't know what she did, but even though you've been brilliantly involved in straightening her out these things can take time to live down.

How is your DD getting on in re-establishing friendly terms with her classmates? Are their signs of new alliances you can foster? Who does she find friendliest?

Have you had a chance to see her Yr2 teacher and see how things are progressing with her classmates?

I wouldn't try too hard with the other mummies IYSWIM. Just be efficient and smile. If you ever do get chatting and you can drop into conversation in a totally non-obtrusive way something along the lines of: " Oh DD had some specific problems which led to difficulties last year. But so many people have been so kind and it's all behind he now" - to set a tone of goodwill and fresh start.

As DD builds friendships, the invitations will follow.

[lols59]

I agree, i know she's happy at school and i was so proud of how she handled herself in front of everyone at the cinema. She waved to her friends and wished the girl a happy birthday I joked with the mum and smiled, she wouldn't look me in the eye. We left as stoic as dd is we couldn't stay for the movie.
I had to cry up an alley secretly without her seeing?? This is my problem, i arranged for a friends daughter to comeover for dds v first sleepover to compensate and to help her feel strong when all the girls are discussing the party at school.
The mum concerned i feel is the problem. She is part of a clique of mums who make it very clear i am not liked by them. We have always been tolerant and couteous, but i feel this was deliberate and am worried about what this will mean for dd at school.

[Goblinchild]

You need to toughen up and start getting control of your own emotions. Then you need to work on rebuilding your daughter's social groupings and friendships.
If she has a bad reputation amongst mothers, however unfair, you need to work on changing their perceptions.
You must try and keep your feelings that others are being 'cruel, needless, vindictive,' under control and being distraught won't help your child.

[lols59]

I should clarify that dd didn't do anything "bad" in year 1. She just wasn't too happy, she wasn't using her "kind" voice and was generally moody. She was arguing with a couple of other girls who like dd are also very strong characters and generally being a nuisance.Completely non dramatic and exactly what you would expect from every child at different stages of development.
However it did need to be addressed and it was and still is.

[nancydrewrocked]

I don't have any experience of this so this might be inappropriate but you and your DD both sound so nice and the situation you are in is so horrible that I wonder whether it would be worth talking directly to the mother concerned.

It just sounds so ludicrous to exclude you and your DD in the manner that you describe. Perhaps you could corner the mum one morning - after the children have gone into class and when she is alone and ask her politely what on earth is going on.

I don't know if it would work - but more often than not these types of situations seem to arise because someone feels hard done by - was her DD on the rceiving end of your DD's behaviour last year? Perhaps she just needs an opportunity to get how she feels about that off her chest and then you can all move on.

[Goblinchild]

I didn't think that she had done anything drastically bad, but it only takes one vocal parent to decide that your DD is unsuitable as friendship material for her to be cut out of out-of-school activities.
Teacher can only help in school and has no control over party invites. The sleepover was a good idea, how about rainbows when she's a bit older?

[onimolap]

Sorry: I read too much into your post, and some of mine should now be ignored.

But I'd still recommend the bits about knowing who your DD's friends are (and talking to her teacher about her socializing if she doesn't seem to have any), and then encouraging her to build these up. Once she has firm friends, the wider invitations will follow.

And I'd like to add that any playground can end up with cliquey parents. I am most definitely not in the conspicuous "in crowd", but find the DCs friends' parents a really nice bunch!

[lols59]

Thanks everyone, it just feels good to get my frustrations off my chest!
dd goes to Rainbows and various other activities and is generally quite popular. She has never been excluded from a party before and has good relationships with several children in her class as i do with several parents.
I think i am just staggered by the obvious exclusion, however i acknowledge that emotive language and getting upset won't help me.

[Ishtar2410]

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening OP. We experienced this when DD was at playgroup - not sure why, but I think it had something to do with DD complaining about a classmate bullying her and me following it up. He was a known problem which the playgroup staff could/would not deal with, not least because his mum was on the committee.

I know it's really difficult to do, but is there any way you can challenge the mum about the birthday party? The problem is, that you're effectively stuck with that group of people unless your daughter changes school or new children join (and if you can get there first!).

I'd agree that there are always cliquey groups in any playground. I prefer not to be in with the in crowd - let them get on with to be honest. It's funny how schools bring out juvenile behaviour isn't it?

[lols59]

The mum involved and her croonies i would never even give a second glance outside the playground. It is quite amazing how i, we, let ourselves be tied up in knots currying the good favour of people who normally....we wouldn't want to know?
My oldest child is in secondry school and i find that much easier. I think children in the early years are manipulated and controlled far too much by overbearing mothers who become involved in orchestrating their lives.
Thanks again everyone, reading back has helped me gain some perspective, my dd is luckier than some.
Roll on secondry school!!