Reception/yr1 - bullying, normal or nasty?

[treedelivery]

Ok. I don't know if I should react to this or not really.

My dd1 is 5.9, and has just done her reception year. State school, 30 in the year, a FT teacher, a PT teacher and a TA.

DD is not girle, she is more 'geeky'. She will probably always get on better with boys, until they exclude her because she is a girl!
But for now the friend she plays with most is a little boy, and she has no real friends apart from him.

I think this is ok, it's her personality type, and naturally the girls aren't too intersted in her. She won't join in their girlie huddles and just doesn't seem able to mx in their way.

Unfortunately she is making herself a bit of a target, I think. I asked her if she wanted a whole class party [which seems to be the current trend in our year] or just a few. Turns out there are 2 boys she wants to invite, and that's it.
I asked a bit more. Apparently one girl has been teasing her a bit.
So if dd1 asks to sit with her little boy friend, this girl will say 'no, we were here first and I'm not going to let you. you can't play with us'.
One of the other girls said she could play with them, and was happy to 'let her in', but this sort of ringleader whispered to her to that she wasn't to let my dd1 play with them.

From what dd says, I think it might be the norm.

I asked her if she felt she could tell this girl that she isn't in charge, and that dd1 can play with whoever she wants to. I felt it was important for dd1 to show she won't be bullied, early on. DD says she can't say that to this girl 'she is tough and strong and firm, and wouldn't take it' DD1 says she just went and played on her own and felt sad.

So what do I do? If anything?

I know this is normal girlie power struggle stuff, I'm very worried though. I can see exactly where it is going. DD1 will be more distant and cut off from the girls and less able to enter into their girlie world, and the boys will gradually grow bigger and not want a girl in their gang. It doesn't help that dd1 is fairly bright and into maths adn technology type stuff, so she's bossy and pushy and wants everything doing right,without actually being the type A personality leader you need to be to carrry it off!!! Playng families is her idea of hell.

[Lenni]

At 5.9 I don't think there is too much you can do to encourage resilience, some children just have it at that age, it doesn't seem to be a concious thing.

I think it might be worth a quick word with her teacher at the start of the new term, just say something like "I'm a bit concerned about how she is getting on with the other girls, there might be a bit of teasing going on" and see where the teacher goes from there. Most teachers will know the classroom dynamics pretty quickly and I'm sure if you get in quick they'll try and encourage her along a bit by doing a little social engineering. Things will have changed over the summer holidays anyway, there will be kids who have seen each other a lot and some who won't have. New friendships will have been struck up and some faded.

If it seems to have fallen back into the same old situation by the time the first couple of weeks have passed then talk to the teacher again but this time be more certain in the way you describe what is going on - who is it, what exactly are they doing, when are they doing it etc. For most schools that should prompt a bit of an investigation and you can take things up from there if it doesn't improve. Most schools will appreciate being able to nip these issues in the bud before they become much harder to address.

In the meantime is it possible for you to arrange some playdates for DD1? Perhaps if there is a Mum or two you get on with, you don't have to think of people DD gets on with. It might help. Are there any clubs or groups at the school she could get involved with? That might broaden her social horizons.

[treedelivery]

Hello Lenni. Thanks for reading

Well, I poured out my heart in text form to another mum, and she has invited dd to tea. Which is lovely, and will do as much for me as for dd.

She also goes to gymnastics, and really like s that, and has started some ballet - although not sure if she'll get on with that long term.

Maybe I should try Brownies or something, something more team orientated.


I hadn't thought of the effects of the summer holiday. I might continue to bolster dd and encourage her to not just give in, so that she has her own little fresh start.

Do you think a teacher will want to hear this in the first bit of new term? Or even remember? It all seems so busy and I hate to bother them. I was wondering about writing a little note - not a full on essay or complaint or anything, just a note instead of a chat.

t's a minefield. Thank you for the reply.

[Lenni]

I'm certain of one thing Tree - the teacher would far rather deal with this now, when fresh from a break and feeling relatively enthusiastic than let it simmer and have to deal with a full on bullying situation come Christmas. Always best to nip it in the bud.

[Lenni]

Yes, talking to other Mums will help you both. Most parents will clock what is going on even if their children are not involved, we all know who the strong characters are in a class. I've already clocked them and DD hasn't yet started school! I'm sure you'll find other Mums are sympathetic and willing to help out, I certainly would be in RL iyswim.

[teaandcakeplease]

Oh Tree I'm so sorry to hear this

I have no advice I'm afraid, too out of my depth but it is rubbish Hope tonight you get some more advice x

[notnowbernard]

I think Lenni's advice is good. I would have a word at the start of term, too, in just the way you described

Might be the sort of thing the teacher can incorporate into 'circle time' or something

I have noticed that the girl power-struggle dynamics kicked off in Y1 (thankfully dd1 is not in this loop - yet)

But a decent teacher will want to get on top of it

FWIW, DD1 goes to Rainbows (pre-Brownies) and LOVES it (for 5-7yr olds). They do loads of group activities, and their general ethos is about having fun and being kind and friendly and joining in etc

[treedelivery]

Thank you very much for your advice

Am off to bed after nights, but wanted to thank you all for your take on things.
I probably wouldn't have said anything until I heard more, so I think I willafter your advice. Just a little word, nothing major.

We'll take it from there. I have also enquired about Beavers.

notnowbernard - are the rainbows 'girlie'? I want dd to get her head around the idea that girls will be girls, but I don't want to subject her to more alienation. She might be better in the TA A chess club would be ideal

[notnowbernard]

Am just trying to think of some of the things DD has done with the Rainbows...

They do an 'activity' each week. Things like art and craft, or baking

They also sing songs and play games (running around types of games)

In the Summer months they spent lots of time outdoors doing treasure hunts, collecting nature stuff, cooking on a bbq etc

She's been on an overnight 'sleepover' in a church hall and to a local zoo

DD has made friends with girls who are at different schools, too, which I think is nice

I do like it because it's quite 'twee' in a (good) way and so far away from all the girlie bollocks they're exposed to on a daily basis. It's a more traditional sort of girlieness, I suppose

[deepdarkwood]

Dd is very much involved in these sort of power struggles (currently between state nursery and reception) - there is a lot of 'you cant sit next to so and so, s/he's not your friend'. The exact dynamics vary from day to day, but there are certainly some children who drive it (dd is one, I'm sorry to say...)

Her teachers are VERY aware of the dynamics, and have done various things to help calm things down when they get uncomfortable. I would certainly feel it's a totally appropriate thing to raise with the teacher quickly at the beginning of term - in a 'I can see this could cause problems - please keep an eye' type way.

I would go for the divide and conquer route too. Playdates - where there isn't the argy-bargy of the class room - will allow your dd to make friendships that will carry her over the harder bits. And create a range of people that she can play with if one dynamic isn't working on a particular day.

One other thing to add - ds (a 'girly' boy - interested in reading, gets scared easily etc) really found his feet in Y1 as the boys calmed down a bit - you may find your dd does the same. The greater focus on academic work means that some of those skills can start being more valued and appreciated by the class.

[tinktellyaddict]

i agree with lenni 2

hope t gets sorted

[Anenome]

Sorry you have had this heartache...It's very hard to send them off and then worry about them all day!

My sisters child is very similar to your little girl..she's quiet, bright and just does not have the "mean girl gene"

She went to Rainbows at 6 and loved it..and when she hit 8 she really improved with making girls-friends...she has one special friend now and is happy as larry...but she used to always be alone.

I don't think you should focus on things getting progressively worse...dynamics change in year groups constantly...as the kids grow, some come out of their shells and challenge the mean ones by formming new groups. In all likelyhood by the time your DD is 8, she will have changed too.

Another great activity for confidence building is horse riding...not too girly but healthy and fun.

Either way I hope it's all better by now.