What should my husband tell people about my breasts?

[macneil]

After six weeks of trying to get my baby to latch on, I feel further away, not closer. I spend more than 3 hours a day pumping, and hours sterilising the pump equipment, all the bottles, preparing feed, feeding her, burping her because bottles make her gassy, etc, and have absolutely no time to do anything.

Meanwhile, female colleagues, friends with babies, are asking my husband lots of questions about how we're getting on. He knows I'm very sensitive about all this, and don't want to admit a) she's living on formula b) my breasts are strange and that's why she won't breastfeed c) we're fractious and exhausted and depressed. If he says something like 'I'm afraid I don't want to talk about that' he'll sound weird, but he knows I don't want him to share all of our problems with people. But I feel like people should also cut him a little slack - he didn't take any paternity leave because he's an academic and no one can cover for him, and he's taking on some of the non-stop bottle factory slack, doing all the shopping etc, while working full time.

I wish this sort of thing weren't just something people talked about - it is my breasts, after all. I thought we'd be able to keep it from my parents in law, but obviously I had to keep vanishing every 3 hours to pump, and then reappearing with small amounts of breastmilk which we'd then decant, and obviously there were bottles everywhere. Fortunately they didn't talk to me about it, they were very understanding. But I wish people didn't have to know.

[MrsApron]

I can understand why you are sensitive about it. He could just discuss other parts of her life though like smiles, grins the way she falls asleep.

I suspect that it is all both of you can think about though.

You can lie as well. How is baby feeding - fine!

I used to lie about my dd1's sleeping habits as they were so dire everyone always offered unwanted advice.

[AtterySquash]

Agree with Mrs A: just go down the "fine" route whenever possible. It really is no one else's business and I suspect that if they get that response they won't revisit the subject.

[AitchTwoOhOhSeven]

it is mortifying, isn't it? i remember that i couldn't even go and buy the formula for ages, had to send dh to do it... the one time i was forced to i talked VERY LOUDLY about how i was mix feeding...

you do get past the horror of all this, you know, even if it all doesn't work out with your norks (I've not followed your story so i don't know the nature of their strangeness .)

my friend's wee boy was a classic breast refuser, defeating the finest BFCs in the country, and she expressed constantly for him as well as ff. she found that the best thing to do when people asked was just to breeze past it, saying 'mmm-hhhm, yeah fine, although bfing's pretty tricky it turns out' and then move the conversation onto something else before people started telling her about their cracked nips.

you will get past this, though... in the scheme of things, it's just a short skip until you'll be weaning, and that (in my mind anyway) puts you back on the 'normal' track so you don't feel so self-conscious.

the point is, of course, that it's your milk the baby is after, and any milk is better than none at all so you're doing your best to keep that up. it's difficult, absolutely the worst of both worlds (been there, done that) but you'll get through it i promise.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Well, its not your breasts that people are actually asking after. It is your baby.

What is strange about your breasts?

Have you contacted the NCT about the difficulties you have been facing?

Look, basically, there is nothing wrong with saying that you are having difficulties with an aspect of parenting. Especially the more emotive issues - such as feeding. EVERY PARENT struggles with something at one time or another.

I think, if you continue to deny this, and not tell people, you may miss out on some much needed help or advice. You may get lots of advice you dont want either, but, unfortunately, that is another part of being a parent.

There is no failure in being honest, or recieving advice. I am a little concerned that you are holding in these feelings of apparent inferiority.

[macneil]

Oh, they're very flat, very big, and very soft. The nipple vanishes when she comes anywhere near, and she can't pull them out in the nipple shield. My breastfeeding doctor was initially hopeful that her mouth would grow, but last time we met she said 'Most babies get it, some don't,' and told me to keep trying once a day, but not to come back until I thought she was getting milk through the shield. Now she won't even try on the shield. I've tried every position, every place, every level of hunger, and I think she's now associating both nipple and nipple shield with a very bad time for all.

It's not that I don't want people's advice - all I do all day is read stories on breastfeeding sites, and have finally ordered the DVD by Clare Hyamwhatever, which I didn't order because I thought it wouldn't get to Canada in time - it I suspect it won't, because I think it's too late now. But my husband says everyone he speaks to is just full of the joys of breastfeeding and how it means he won't have to get up in the night, and how simple and easy it all is, no heating bottles etc, and he doesn't know what to say because they assume we're doing fine. Academics are a crunchy bunch, too, there's no way any of them would choose not to breastfeed.

I think it is best to lie as well. Thanks H007, for your sweet post, and everyone else for your sane perspectives.

[crace]

My husband does too, and it's even worse now that my dd is over 1 year. He brings home little nuggets of "advice" from his colleagues. I've told him I am doing what I want anyway - just stop discussing it!

I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble bfing. Honestly I have never done anything so hard in my life, and never found anything that can make you feel so guilty either. The times I have doubted myself, or tried to give formula (I have the opposite problem, I can't get her to take any milk from any vessel but ME).

You could be right about the association - she may be picking up on the stress from you too (not that I blame you btw).

Anyway, much sympathy - it's just a tiny blip in their lives, and you pumping and giving the ebm is fabulous, so well done you. Just keep trying, and if it works out then great, if not it doesn't make you any less a great mummy who wants the very best for her baby. Formula fed or not.

Best of luck

[deaconblue]

Husbands should be banned from nipple talk. Dh used to go on about the virtues of nipple shields to his friends. v embarrassing. I think suggestions of saying fine are very sensible ones. It's nobody else's bloody business.
ooh just remembered FIL asking me how I was finding "making all the milk" FFS

[BuffysMum]

"we've decided to go down the mixed feeding route, it's great for us" - hopefully end of conversation. If they continue "I'm sick of discussing this topic life's too short" and change subject?

[Marne]

I could'nt breast feed because of my strange boobs, mine are also flat. I had to bottle feed both of mine.

I dont understand why you are worried about what others think, at least you have tried your best to breast feed, your friends dont need to know the details of why you cant.

[100PerCentCod]

how abotu NOTHIING

[100PerCentCod]

god and tbh if tis really that bad and oyu feel you ahev dont your best give him a bottle
life is too short

[castlesintheair]

Tell other people to mind their own business. You are answerable to noone! You are doing admirably by the sound of things. This kind of inquisition really gets on my tits.

Sorry couldn't help myself

[Notquitesotiredmum]

First of all HUGE congratulations to you for doing so well on the expressing and giving your little one so much breast milk. I too expressed for six weeks whilst getting lots of support and help trying to get my ds1 to latch on, and it is bloody hard work.

Secondly, it is NOT your breasts, that are the problem. I was fortunate enough to be able to go into a breast feeding clinic three days a week - I just lived there for six weeks - and saw every breast type under the sun. I also heard the wonderful bf counsellor say again and again, that it is all in the technique. Like you, we tried every position under the sun, and my ds just couldn't feed. In the end, we got it, having sat and watched another mum struggle for an hour to get a latch. It was like sitting looking in a mirror as she tried over and over again. I then had a go, and whooppee - it suddenly worked. Don't know why, but it felt different - like when I hit a tennis ball. Most of the time, I can barely get it in the court. Then occasionally, I produce a shot like a Wimbledon winner! If you are still persisting, do try to find a group or clinic if you can - La Leche League has groups of mums who sit around and feed together. I'm sure that watching other mums feed helps you to refine your technique. And if you can't get it, don't blame yourself. The blame lies with our society. If you live in a warm/developing country, the women sit around together and watch each other feed from an early age. Living in a cold developed country, we barely have time to say hello, never mind watch each other and relax together!

Thirdly I agree with Buffy's mum - there's nothing wrong with claiming that you are using the mixed feeding route. You could have done so for lots of good reasons. And there's nothing wrong in saying that feeding is proving a bit of a struggle either. It may help someone else who sits up with a wife or partner as they sob through night feeds, as I did, realise that this can be what bf is like.

You are a HEROINE for keeping going so long. Very best of luck for the future

[Troutpout]

Why are you ashamed?...you are beating yourself around the head trying to do the best for your girl. You sound fantastic to me!
Anyway... i agree with the fish woman...
Say Nothing...it's none of their friggin business. If however they are just saying it to make polite conversation...just say it's all fine.

Cods right...life is too short...a few years down the line this will seem like such a small part of your little ones life.

Cut yourself some slack girl!

[robbosmum]

Hi,
i too think there is a lot of undue pressure about feeding our babies, what is most important is a healthy happy mum and that will lead to a healthy happy baby, perhaps not words you want to hear at the moment as your mind may not be in the right place. I have just come out of a dark place re:breat or bottle and am now enjoying my baby , much to the relief of family who were v. worried, they couldn't mention bf to me without a row or massive tears (from me).
Try not to care what other people think and just enjoy your life together, all parents can do is be their for their child and love it ....

[hotandbothered]

You can't win, can you?! I was very fortunate in that I relatively quickly sorted out the breastfeeding, but I got so much pressure to give formula too!!! 'Your dh can get completely involved if he can give a bottle sometimes', 'if you give a bottle before bed she'll sleep better', 'your breasts need a rest sometimes from making all that milk' was the best comment. Ffs . Why can't people just leave us alone? I think if they'd just realise that there are many complex reasons for the way we do things, and that often they are not a choice, its just the way things have to be, then maybe we'd get a bit of peace!
Good luck, Macneil - hope everything goes well for you. Try not to let them get you down...

[Edam]

I'd tell your dh not to answer questions like that, or just to say 'fine thanks' and leave it at that.

You are doing everything you can for your baby - am very impressed you've been expressing for six weeks. Try not to feel bad! I found b/f very, very hard at first but luckily had a great HV/b/f counsellor and dh was very supportive; we staggered through the hellish stage and managed to keep going. Good luck.

[100PerCentCod]

and why are you keepign it a secrt fom your ILS?
you are doign it all wrong! god either
a) give him a bottle
b) tlel you ILS not to come till things have clamed down

c) tellt hem they can coem but its boobs ahoy

[MissGolightly]

Macneil big hugs - it sounds like you have had a really tough time. I am shocked that the breastfeeding doc told you not to come back until things got better , how are you supposed to sort this out on your own?

In the meantime, I would tell your DH to try to be pleasant, positive and general, and not expand on the details. People ask after your baby because they think it's a nice thing to do, very few (unless they are very close friends ) want to hear the gory details. I imagine what is happening is people are saying "how is your baby doing?" just wanting to hear "fine thanks" or "doing great". I don't expect that people are really quizzing him about the exact nature of your norks/schedule of feeding/weight gain. But of course as this is what's uppermost in your DH's mind, it is the details that spring to his mind.

Good luck, you sound like a heroine for persevering with the pumping.

[gingerninja]

Macneil, Sounds like you've been doing an absolutely fantastic job. I struggled in absolute agony b'feeding for 6 weeks before I finally sussed it. I really admire your perseverance and think you should be very proud of what you've achieved rather than beat yourself up about what you haven't.

As for what other people think. I don't think anyone has a right to judge you nor should you feel that you have to either talk about it or lie. In my opinion you can proudly say well, I did my best but in the end it just wasn't working and we all got so stressed about it that we decided for the sake of our sanity we'd go the mix/formula route.

If you're determined to BF then I'd take the advice here and seek out some proper help however. I think the most important thing is that you, your baby and your husband have lots of love and time together and if expressing and breast feeding is making you all miserable then you're not really reaping any benefits. It sounds like you need time to enjoy her and she needs lots of cuddles and a relaxed mummy and daddy so please don't stress about ff. You do what is right for your family. No one has a right to tell you any different. Good luck to you three and stay strong. Let us know how you get on.

[AitchTwoOhOhSeven]

good to see you back, cod, even if i do think your advice here is beautifully insensitive. (in fact, because i think your advice is beautifully insensitive.) hope you had a great holiday.

[poppynic]

Firstly, I think lots of people six weeks in to a new baby feel fractious, exhausted and depressed - so don't beat yourself up about your feelings - things will improve.

Secondly, I think you are heroic struggling on with expressing - I found it particularly evil and am sure I would have given up entirely by now.

Thirdly, did you see the threads on here just before Christmas about sterilising not being necessary - just making sure all the milk is removed and then a whoosh through the dishwasher or hot soapy water and air dried on a towel? If you check those out and agree with them, that would save you some time and effort.

Fourthly, I'm not the kind of person who can say fine when things aren't fine but agree your husband shouldn't need to go into a full explanation - something smart and funny would be good - maybe someone can come up with something, in the absense of that, what about just that the baby finds it hard to latch and you have been stoicly expressing. - That should impress anyone interested in details and bore anyone not. - keep any comments problems about the baby not you.

Fifthly, I agree with nonquitesotiredmum, you must be so stressed around feeding now you probably need to find a place where you can hang out for a few hours, (or a day at a time if possible), where you can get some help with feeding and relax. We had "Plunket houses" where I'm from where new Mums could go for the day and get help if wanted or just have a rest or whatever. Maybe you can find something similar around you.

Good luck.

[100PerCentCod]

sorry i read it and soudn terribel
i htink i meant ot put a afetr " you are doign ti all wrong"

i think epsressing fro 6 weeks warrants a bottle but hye ho.

[100PerCentCod]

what about " she is finding feeding tiiring"