Will my voracious 20-month-old BFer ever want to stop?

[eversomuch]

Does anyone else have an absolutely voracious breastfeeding toddler?

DS, almost 20mo, has hardly cut down on his feeds and grabs for my boobs almost anytime they're within reach or sight. He also wakes at least once or twice a night to feed. The past two weeks have been especially rough and I suspect he's going through a developmental leap or growth spurt, on top of teething. But those things aside, he's always been this way.

I try to distract him but it doesn't always work. I'm basically trying to "not offer/not refuse", but definitely reaching the point where I want my boobs back, thank you very much.

I ideally want to let him self-wean because I'm lazy that way and it was so easy with DD ... I'm just wondering when he might want to start down that path. Someone tell me it will be soon, please.

[Igggi]

Hi Eversomuch, feeling the same way re my 25 month old - his big bro self weaned when he turned two, I assumed this one would be the same but no change yet! When I get home from work I'm led to the sofa. He still comes through most nights, and if he sleeps through then he expects a 20 min feed in the morning.
I'm going to try offering him more milk (not mine!) but other than that not sure what to do. I'm not interested in forcing him to stop, but would be quite happy if he decides enough was enough!

[jaggythistle]

Igggi my 26 month old is exactly the same, down to the leading to the couch bit! He doesn't sleep through and likes his giant feed at night. :( Plus one in the morning sometimes.

DH had the "Don't you think it's time he stopped" conversation yesterday. I am fairly unsure what I want. DS is happy, it's good for him.

Older sibling also self weaned at 2 so this is new for me too!

[jaggythistle]

Oh and everso if he happens to come in while I am getting dresses his wee eyes light up and he is on his tiptoes trying to reach up to me.

If I wear any top with a neckline lower than a t-shirt, I will often find a wee arm down there...

[eversomuch]

Yes, I tell myself the same thing - that it's good for him, etc. But I'm starting to feel that it's not the best thing for me anymore and the night feeds are just killing me & dh. We're both too sleep deprived to subject ourselves to even more sleeplessness by trying to night wean. Plus we really don't want to traumatize DS, leave him to cry etc.

Some MNers have recommended a gentle approach to night weaning so may try that at some point.

[MooseBeTimeForSpring]

I thought DS would never stop. At 25 months he was still being nursed to sleep and woke once during the night.

I decided I'd had enough. I was going through a tough patch mentally and decided I wanted "me" back.

I worked on the middle of the night feeds first. I simply told DS that, "boobies were sleeping and didn't want to be woken up". The first night he cried for ten minutes or so (it felt like much longer). The second night was only a couple if minutes. After that he slept through for 11 hours and has done so since.

As for bedtime, a couple of weeks later I told him that he was a big boy now and didn't need booby anymore. He protested a little bit but accepted it, rolled over and went to sleep!

After many awake moments in the night, wondering when he would stop and how difficult it would be, I have to say I was completely gobsmacked by how quick and painless it was. He's 2.5 now.

[Igggi]

I have tried refusing which led to hysterical crying and me eventually giving in and therefore him winning! Not helped my him being in my bed then, easier to forget about milk if it's not lying next to you! He might be ready now though and react differently - it's probably a bit like potty-training, if you get them when they're ready for it, it works a lot better.
But then there's always something.. He's got a bad cough just now and milk seems to be his only comfort.
We go on holiday soon and come to think of it that was when ds1 stopped - the routine was all different and he lost interest. So maybe that'll be my chance!
I would be very happy to continue with one (or two) feeds a day actually for a while longer, just want all the snacking and nighttime stuff to stop.

[iloveyousillybilly]

I'm feeling exactly the same about my 20 month old! Always thought I'd like her to self wean but I'm still bfing during the day to the point of having sore nipples. Nothing distracts or shifts her attention and she won't take no for an answer. She is not a great eater and uses it to take the edge of her hunger but I'm so tired of it. I thought by this age they only have a few feeds a day!! What can be done about it?

[BertieBotts]

Hmm, Might not be what you want to hear but DS was like this and eventually, after dragging out one 3-second feed every few days for months stopped at 4.3.

To be fair he cut right down by the time he was 3, only morning and night and then only at bedtime. Night feeds were gone by 2.2ish.

[iloveyousillybilly]

It's more during the day that she bfs that much, I've managed to convince her that the boobs go to sleep when the sun goes down (which is 6.45,regardless of whether sun has gone down or not!) but she does ask for a feed at 4 in the morning when the sun shines through the window.

Is there a gentle way of actually reducing feeds? I think up to 3 years is enough for me, although I've had quite enough now actually!

[BertieBotts]

You can try to move towards a particular pattern for feeding, e.g. it's okay when you're sitting in a particular chair or something - it has to be something you wouldn't do normally but can add into your routine. Then you can phase it out by sitting in that chair less and less.

[iloveyousillybilly]

Wow that's a clever idea! Thank you!
I'll try that, although I suspect it'll only end in tears and me giving up...

[RonaldMcDonald]

it will end of course but it will be a joint decision to some extent

[Spinachfly]

I reduced feeding dd when she was 2 and i was pregnant with ds. I limited the length of each feed at first - eg just while i counted to 10 - rather than limiting number of feeds. Then started saying no to feeds, with distraction, until we were down to morning and bedtime feeds only when ds was born.

Now she's 3.5, just bedtime feed and trying to wean her completely - have had enough. She is not keen, but bribing with a present if she goes a week without it was working until she got ill on Friday - now she wants milk all day. Tbh that is the one thing i worry about in weaning her completely. It is such a comfort for her and good to know she is getting some nutrition when she has no appetite.

i think if I'd gone with don't offer don't refuse, she's still be feeding 10 times a day. It seems to work for some, but not us!

[Igggi]

I like the certain chair idea - it's ok when I'm on the sofa and have a drink next to me, a remote control and easy access to mumsnet, dearest! He might teach himself to carry my iPad over to me to get a feed!

[iloveyousillybilly]

Yeah I don't think DO/DR would work for us either as I don't think I offer at all now!
I completely understand spinach, most days I'm glad it keeps her going and she's always absolutely delighted to feed so it makes me feel a bit evil plotting an end to it. But I think it's the over-feeding and her lack of a varied diet which is really getting to me. Also feeling like I can't sit down/have a cup of tea/talk to dh without the threat of demanding bfing!

[Igggi]

Spinach how did you limit the length? I don't find the finger in the mouth thing works anymore, he had very strong hands and guesses what I'm up to! Basically he's just the boss of me

[Showy]

Don't offer, don't refuse never worked here. With both I knew when it was time to bring in some stricter rules. At 20 months both DC needed to bf a lot. They were going through massive changes and it was a constant for them. Nearer 2 and a half I knew they were better equipped to reduce feeds so I night weaned then by introducing the idea of bfing being for a certain chair only. No tears, no fuss. Dd self weaned at 3 and a half. Ds is 2.9 and down to mornings, evenings and before a nap.

[Spinachfly]

Luckily for me, she was quite compliant and generally stopped when I got to 10. She is far bolshier now - if I want her to stop a feed before she's ready, I resort to all sorts - threats, bribes, emotional blackmail - basically very poor parenting practice, so I've no tips really. At least it's just once a day for me though, and she does usually stop when i get to 3 (very stingey these days! Although as i type right now she's feeding to sleep ... completely haywire when she's ill)

[eversomuch]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm once again feeling completely hopeless that the feeding will ever be phased out. if I try putting him down after a night feed (as attempted less than an hour ago) he just goes competent ballistic. dh going to him only makes it worse - he kicks & hits & thrashes & screams .... and dh gives up after about 2 minutes. these night feeds are killing me, killing us and I don't think that's an exaggeration.

I love this little boy so much but I dread going to bed at night bc I know he's only going to get me up again. I'm so tired & so sick of this & I can't even cry about it like I want to do bc my body no longer functions normally (I've never had trouble crying before). instead I just curse at this beautiful little boy & fight about it with dh & feel completely miserable. and so alone.

sorry. bad night. again.

[leedy]

Have you read Dr Jay Gordon's thing on night weaning - it's a fairly gentle approach to cutting out night feeds and it worked for us with DS1 (DS2, bless him, basically night weaned himself)? Getting a full night's sleep made a HUGE difference to my quality of life (also I ended up keeping day feeds for quite a while afterwards as I didn't feel nearly so resentful about it).

drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

[eversomuch]

Thanks, leedy. I have seen that approach but the timing just never seems right to try it out. There seems to always be some excuse -- DS is teething or unwell or DH and I are just too knackered or ill from sleep-deprivation to voluntarily submit ourselves to more sleeplessness.

It just seems that we're going backwards. Instead of gradually losing interest in BFing, DS is going the opposite direction and feeding even more -- like a newborn, it sometime feels like.

He feeds to sleep no problem (well, it's taking him 1-1 1/2 hours each evening now, which seems crazy.) But then he wakes up every time I try putting him down. And sometimes it takes three or four tries (and two or three hours) to get him down that way.

Last night and this evening (after 2 hours and 1 hour, respectively) I just gave up and let him cry himself to sleep. And I can't stay in the room with him then because he's just so upset and crying and screaming and reaching for me that there's no way he'll settle down; I do think my presence makes it worse. I hate doing that, but I do feel that my sanity is at risk here.

[eversomuch]

OK, so two months later and we seem to have cracked the night-time sleep! Following just a few nights of very limited control crying, DS now generally falls asleep within 10-20 minutes of feeding at night and usually sleeps through until at least 5:45. I think in the past two or three weeks, I've only had to go to him a few times, which is amazing. I even got my period back for the first time since he was born (pros and cons there, LOL). DH & I, OTOH, still wake up several times during the night, so getting our own body clocks back on track is still a work in progress.

DS, however, is still a complete boobmonster all day long. Whenever I'm near (which is much of the day), he just gets desperate for milk. We try distracting him but it doesn't work, and sometimes I just go and hide. O_o

I'm so happy that nights have improved that I'm not too bothered by the daytime feeding, but there are moments when it really is a bit much. Like this morning, from 6:30 to 10:30 he was on and off the boob at least six times or more. Any ideas for gradually reducing daytime feeding now? Thanks!