I was BF Elijah last night and holding his little hand when I suddenly thought of Bo and his little hands. I started crying for the first time in a few weeks. I've got a box with his photos in and I'm scared to look, well not scared as in what I'll see, but as in how it will make me feel. I hope I'm not ostriching this and putting my head in the sand, until a few days ago I knew I didn't want to look as it would take me straight back to the agony I felt after he died.
I've had a lot of fun on msnet recently. More fun than I've had in RL as we've been so busy with the boys and our new business. My family are my joy but I often feel the need to kick-back. This has made me feel guilty in itself. How can I be stirring up threads about hub2dees cucumber when my gorgeous baby died only 3 months ago? What kind of woman does that? Have I forgotten my baby already?
Three or maybe four days after Bo died I asked the MW's to bring him from the mortuary so that I could see him again. Elijah was kicking and squirming in the cot next to my bed as I held cold, beautiful Bo in my arms. I didn't keep him with me for long and now I wish I had and it's too late. He was dressed in a babygro that DS1 had worn and one of two that I'd brought into hospital for one of my twins to wear home. I kissed his cold face and stroked his hair and then I asked the MW to take him away.
Elijah has really 'woken up' in the last few days and started cooing and 'talking'. When he was a little newborn it was easier to deal with but now I know and can see what Bo would have probably been doing if he'd lived.
No responses expected but thanks for listening.
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Bereavement
Feeling guilty because I've felt OK recently
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bubble99 · 26/05/2005 21:30
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