Just feel numb

[Springchicken]

I have only spoken about this on one mumsnet thread as i found it too hard to deal with. My grandad was diagnosed with Lung & Brain Cancer and sadly died on Tuesday evening.

TBH, i don't even know why i am writing this thread because i don't seem to take any notice of what people are saying to me and it doesn't seem to help in the slightest.

He was 82, had a good life, got to see all 4 kids grow up, most of his grandchildren and even got to meet some great grandchildren (including my DD). I know all of this is true and great but it isn't a consolation.

First i cried and shook uncontrolably, then yesterday i seemed to be doing OK and talked about it alot but today i just feel numb. I haven't had a wink of sleep because everytime i close my eyes i see his face, i laid awake for hours last night just thinking of the stories he used to tell me and my brothers and the funny sayings he used to come out with.

Don't know what else to say, i just feel numb and exhausted.

[almostanangel]

//[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]were you there when he went?

[Springchicken]

No i wasn't but my mum and dad both were. The best people to be in my opinion.
He woke up just before and told them both he loved them.

I feel kind of silly feeling this way about my grandad but we were so close it was unbelievable.

[almostanangel]

i think its lovely you were this close to him..

[almostanangel]

its nice you can remember his face hopefully a smiling one...i lost my dad in june last year and am only just getting the pictue of him as he stopped breathing out of my head now i am trying to replace it with a smily healthy one

[collision]

You dont need to feel silly. Even when death is expected it is still very difficult to deal with. Your Grandad had a good long life and met all his family and was a good person. You will miss him and it is entirely normal to feel the way you do.

He wouldnt want you to be unhappy though. It is still only a couple of days since he died and you are probably still in shock.

Hugs to you

[almostanangel]

he must have been a wonderful man ,,and these memories that are making you sad will make you so happy in the future

[pindy]

So sorry to hear this. I lost my nan a few years ago, she was 102!! had a good life etc etc, but that still doesn't make it easier.

Thinking of you and just go with the flow, there is no right or wrong way to feel or deal with it.

[Miaou]

Don't feel silly SC - you are grieving, as you have every right to do. You say you don't know why you are writing because you don't listen to anyone - but just the act of writing down how you feel is probably quite cathartic for you and will help to validate your feelings. Just go with your grief, it will ease with time, but don't add guilt to your list of feelings.

[almostanangel]

im not saying this will help you but it helped me..i wrote a speach about my dad saying all the things about him like his smell...tobacco and brylcream! and things he used to do like carry me to bed even though i was making out to be asleep ,,i sobbed while i was writing it ..and while practicing reading it but at his funeral iread it out and managed to get to the end ..where i said thank you for letting me hold your hand so tightly when i came into the world and for holding mine as you left ...i felt that this was my gift to him..

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

Springchicken - you obviously loved him very much and he seems to have been a big part of your life . Be kind to yourself - and allow yourself to grieve xx.

[suedonim]

I think everything you say is so normal, SpringChicken. I felt similar when my dad died, at the age of 91. I discovered that it hardly mattered that he'd had had a good long life, I just wanted him back. Death hurts, we each deal with it as we can. Take care.

[serenity]

It's only been two days Spring chicken, don't be so hard on yourself. Like others have said, you need to give yourself time to grieve, and for it to fully sink in.

for you and your family.

[Springchicken]

Just don't know what to do with myself, i was given the day off work yesterday but ended up coming in as i was driving myself insane being on my own, now today i'm at work and all i want to do is go home and sleep!

[NomDePlume]

SC, grief is a totally unpredictable emotion, you run through everything from sorrow, fear, regret & anger. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling sad about your grandad, try to remember the good times and let your grief run it's course. It's still early days. x

[almostanangel]

ndp you are soo right,,i didnt think i would do the guilt thing as i had spent loads of time with dad told him how much i loved him etc ,,then a couple of weeks ago i just started crying ,,dh asked why and i said when i was at the hospital one day i left to go shopping..when i thought about that i felt guilty as i could have spent that time with him greif makes no sence it is bloody hard but you do get though it ...

[Spacecadet]

SC I felt the same when my gran died 10 years ago, I was very close to her and even lived with her for a while, its only been a couple of days, of course you feel numb, Im not going to give you the blurb about time healing etc...grieve in your own time, preserve those happy memories in your head, its horrible when people we love die. I think losing grandparents is horrible really because its like the loss of childhood iyswim..sending you lots of hugs{{{hugs}}} youre granddad was a very lucky man to have such a loving caring family around him when his time came..

[Lonelymum]

I felt the same when my grandmother died aged 94 & years ago. I still have days when I think about her and cry. The sadness will always be there I think, but after a while, most days you aren't affected.

Your loss is very sad, but also a reason for celebration in a way, because it meant you loved your grandad and were loved by him, very much. Some people don't have that close relationship with their family so you are lucky too. One day, you will see it like that. In the meantime, take care of yourself and cry all you like for him. It is natural and good to express your grief. Bug hugs. Or do I mean BIG HUGS?!

[Lonelymum]

I meant to write she died 7 years ago.

[KathH]

when my dad died, me, my sister, my mum, my grandma & my aunty all wrote him a letter, well mine felt like it was just rambling really - i told him how much i loved him, wrote about the things we did together, all the things i wanted to tell him really and then we put the letters in the coffin so that he'd always have them.

[Springchicken]

Funeral is on Thursday.
Had a terrible day on Thursday, i just cried all day long, went to bed at 6.30 and slept til the morning.
I feel much better now as each day is passing, although, not sure if that is a good thing. Think it may make Thursday even worse as i'm just starting to deal with it.

[Prufrock]

I think you'll get through Thursday just fine. You might cry a lot - but so what, there is nothing wrong with showing how upset you are.

We all sat down on night and wrote our memories of "jamjar". Things like the bananaman sandwiches she used to make us, and the first time I stayed with her and threw up all over her and her bed. A big reminiscing session really helped us - we were all in tears, and laughing, and in a way it marked the change from being sad that she'd gone, to being happy that we'd had her.