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The daughter of my really close friend was brain damaged on sunday follwing huge problems braething. The hospital has said she may die tonight or tomorrow. The girl is my daughters 'best friend'. WHAT CAN I DO?? I feel so helpless. Antone got any advice??
I am so sorry to hear about your friends daughter . As the others have said all you can do is be there for your friend and of course for your daughter , how is she doing ?
Try to make sure that she eats and has clean clothes. She will not be thinking about herself at all. If you can help with the other kids, take the dog for a walk, make a meal... that will take the pressure off. Be there for her - if she wants to cry, yell or say nothing at all. If she has a priest/vicar get onto them to make sure they know what is happening. Ask your friend if she wants you to contact friends and family to keep them up to date as I am sure she won't be able to face the millions of calls from people being kind.
You must be in bit too, but you have to be strong for her as this has to be the worst thing a mother can ever go through. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
On a practical level, you might want to be ready to recommend a website like this bereavement advice and support which has some useful recommended readings for funerals etc. Just when your friend is at her lowest, she will have a lot of decisions to make, and this site (along with Mumsnetters) offers some practical support. It also has a section on how to help children cope with bereavement, as your daughter will no doubt need a lot of support, too.
You could also order the book "What to do when someone dies" by Paul Harris. It is a Which Guide, which takes you through the formalities of registering deaths, organising funerals, probate etc. It is aimed more at dealing with adult deaths, but can be helpful for someone to refer to, as a guide to what has to be done. I ordered a copy, when a friend was suddenly bereaved, and said that it was the best thing she was given at the time.
Thinking of you and your friend at this very sad time.
My thoughts are with all of those affected by this horrible tragedy.
I really dont know what to say except that as many others have said just be there for your friend and your daughter but please please dont forget you need some time and someone to support you too. It is so easy to take on the role of 'the strong one' but you cant be like that all the time it only grinds you down be there as much as you can and when you need to take some time out for you to talk to.
I hope that doesnt sound too harsh and selfish but I'm sure you know what I mean.
I hope that somehow you are all coping with this and how is your friend/DD/friends DD/and yourself?
Good advice from everyone. You know your friend and what she is normally like, depending on this you can offer help appropriately.
Practical help is what really helped me ( 4 weeks ago we lost our son ) meals being cooked and left in the fridge, our other children being looked after, people making sure there was bread milk butter in the house etc.
Obviously your friend will need emotionally she will need help too, but it's funny I am finding that I 'use' different friends for different 'needs', some help me practically whilst others help in a listening ear type of way.
Your little DD will need great care at this time too, talking about her friend is very important as is doing something practical like making something for her friend, maybe something that could be given to her mum to keep, ie picture etc.
Sorry I'm waffling, it's 3.30am, cannot sleep my 2 year old is up with me causing havoc.
Thank you so much everyone for all yo advice. The little girl died on wednesday afternoon. It has been living hell since then - and will be for a long time to come. My current burning question is - her parents are going to have her cremated and I don't know how to explain that to my 8 year old. It is so scary. Does anyone know what words I can use? Thanks
Oh God . Who knows what you can do. How absolutely terrible.
Just be there in case they need something - anything - could be emotional support but likely to be practical, material things that people cannot do when they are grief-stricken.
Remember you can't do a thing that will make her feel better. Just be there. Don't avoid her (plenty will). Go out of your way to talk to her. Practical stuff(if that's your thing) like dropping round some meals that can just be heated up will help as well. Stuff that she can put in the freezer if she doesn't want it now.
All that whether she's still poorly or whether she died
Regarding the cremation, you may want to explain it in terms of when some people die they are buried in the ground, but some people don't want their loved one put in the ground and so they are cremated. This is when the body of the person that has died is burned in a special place called a crematorium. It means there is no body left to bury in the ground but there are ashes, like after a fire in a fireplace. You may want to explain (depending on your child) why some people choose cremation.
When my grandad died, I'd assumed he was going to be buried as I didn't know much about cremation. I found out this wasn't the case the day before the funeral and it came as quite a shock to me even though I was as old as 16 and we weren't very close. My sister explained to me that the soul had already left the body and will live on though everyone who remembers him so I've always thought of it like that ever since and it's really helped.
As for everything else: the only thing I can suggest not to do is to attempt to rationalise any of it for them at this stage. Even those who believe that "the universe is unfolding as it should" would have a tough time believing that there's any rhyme or reason behind this one. I'm not for one moment suggesting that you would as I don't know you, just that there's nothing worse than someone trying to "problem solve" another's grief if you see what I mean.
Going to be quiet now before I end up with my foot in my mouth! but just be there for them and don't forget to take care of you too.
Oh and: think about how you will be there for them after the funeral as well - again, not suggesting you wouldn't be, but many see the funeral as an "end" and tend to wander off afterwards because they don't know what else to do, whereas, for the bereaved, it's more like the beginning of facing life without their loved one.
re. explaining cremation to your DC... I dont know if this will help, its how I explained it to my friends DC's after she died...
We had attended a chinese new year where they light paper lanterns and let them burn and float into the sky that year and i said that mummy wasnt actually in her body anymore, that it was a bit like when they put on a dressing up costume, once they took it off and went off somewhere else it didnt really matter what happened to the costume as they wouldnt be hurt if anything happened to it. It was like this for mummy, she had left her body and so it was OK for it to be burnt. Then I said about the lanterns and said how beautiful they looked when they burnt and floated up to the sky.
I was going to add that it floated up to heaven where mummy was but my friend was an atheist so it didnt seem right.
After the funeral we got some lanterns and lit them and watched them float into the sky to send as a present to mummy so she knew they were thinking of her.
That's all very helpful. Thanks. In anticiaption of cremation discussion I have started talking about how Katie is no longer in her body 'but all around us'(???). I still think the image of burning her body is horrid. The lantern idea is good. We are just out to buy helium balloons and attach messages and let them go. That might help? As far as the parents are concerned it does seem to be practical things and lots of hugs at the moment. There is nothing I can say. Does anyone know a poem that says something about 'pass me your sorry, and I will hold it a while for you ...'??? We live just around the corner so I can always be on hand and always will be. This is such a grim time - I am finding all your support helpful - thanks!
Thinking of your friend and also you and your DD, so sorry for your loss.
I know the poem you mean MrsMom if I come across it I will send you a link, my cousin lost her son in February and I sent her this poem that she found a comfort. It basically says that the length of someone's life is not what counts, it is by Ben Jonson and is called Proportion, perhaps you could share it with your friend when she is ready:
It is not growing like a tree In bulk doth make Man better be; Or standing long as oak, three hundred year, To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere:
A lily of a day Is fairer far in May, Although it fall and die that night— It was the plant and flower of light. In small proportions we just beauties see; And in short measures life may perfect be.
I lost my DH in June, and my youngest was very comforted in the immediate aftermath by a special cuddly called a Shining Star that came with a certificate to name a star. We bought it at Woolworths, but I haven't seen them there again. When your daughter is ready, a memory box might prove a comfort, she will never forget her friend, but when people are first bereaved they often fear that.
I understand how you feel about burning being awful. Personally, I felt that about my friend, it seemed too final.
But to be honest, the kids didnt have that terror of it, to them fire was beautiful and warm and relaxing. And they knew their mum wasnt really there if you know what i mean.
Please dont worry too much, after my beautiful friends funeral (which the children attended), they played with the other children as if nothing had happened. Of course there have been problems since and they miss her but children really are so resilient.
