why?

[Spacecadet]

where to start? I have just misscarried my baby at 16 weeks of preg, thepreg was a total shock as mt ddwas only 5 monthswhen i found out and it was going to be my 5th baby, but this baby helped meso much i was struggling with ptsd after a near life threatening experience after dd was born and was then diagnosed with a balance problem but the preg helped me focus on something other than my constant disabling dizziness, i know in my heart it was the wrong time to be preg but i so wanted and loved this baby, i felt her moving and was looking forward to my scan at 20 weeks, now im a mess, every morning i wake and put my hand on my tummy but shes not there anymore, i feel so empty, i know i have 4 lovely children but this is my 3 rd misscarriage and i have also had a stillbirth, i now have as many children in heaven as i do on earth

[Papillon]

(((hug))) spacecadet. Perhaps your body had not recovered from the birth of your dd. Did you spend time saying goodbye to your baby... that may help if you talk to her and say farewell, or ask if she is okay.

Take Care

[anorak]

It doesn't matter how many children you have on earth - I'm sure the ones that don't make it are just as loved and wanted

Your lovely baby came into your life to give you a gift and then go, how beautiful that you can treasure that gift always.

I'm so sorry. Lots of love xxx

[Hulababy]

I am so sorry Spacecadet. I have no answers; it seems so cruel. Take care of yourself.

[Spacecadet]

i have my scan picture from just over a week and a half ago as i blacked out and fell down stairs and had to be scanned, i keep looking at it and it hurts so much i feel like ripping it up, however stupid that sounds. the hospital said that my fall had nothing to do woth it but i cant be so sure.

[Twiglett]

I am so sorry Spacecadet

{{{hugs}}}

[Titania]

honey I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have shed so many tears for you and little eve. Its so unfair. I know what you mean about having as many babies in heaven as on earth. I am the same. It hurts like mad. I know there is nothing I can say that will ease the pain. Only time will do that. I hope that in time it gets easier to live with. Take care. You know where I am if you need me. Anytime. I mean it. You are a great friend to me, and anything I can do I will. {{{HUGS}}}

[caeli]

hi spacecadet,
sorry to hr of ur loss. i miscarried on tuesday so know where ur pain is coming from

hope u r ok and im sending u a hug

caeli x

[mummytosteven]

I am so sorry about Eve, and about your pain, Spacecadet. Life can be so unfair, with awful things happening to the best people. I think at the moment you are early on in the grief process - it is only natural that this is a period of questioning and sorrow for you. If only there was anything that we can do to make things easier for you. I think like Titania has said, it will be different and a little better in time. Not something you ever forget or get over, but a bit easier to cope with.

Just keep talking on here about Eve, when you feel you need to, and there will be someone there to listen.

[hub2dee]

spacecadet - this is a happy time for dw and I but we often think about others whose pg has gone wrong. Saddened to hear about your loss. Cannot imagine the heart-wrenching brain-destroying feelings.

Be as dark and sad as you like for as long as you need to, but ultimately the darling bean you carried wouldn't want loving mamma to feel ongoing sadness and pain.

When the time is right, maybe you can do something special and personal to the two of you to mark her passing ? An early-flowering cherry in the garden perhaps - those have just been blooming the last couple of weeks... A hundred crocuses under an existing tree somewhere perhaps ?

Thinking of you.

[Nemo1977]

hugs spacecadet I am sorry for your loss and can completely empathise . I have had 3mcs but I have one beautiful son. My last mc was at xmas when i was supposed to be 16wks but baby had died at 9wks and it is completley heart breaking. I have never forgotten any of my angels.
hugs to u and ur family
take care

[Spacecadet]

hub2dee thats a lovely idea, planting some flowers, with my other misscarriages, i used to go and light acandle in the local church, the sad thing about this is that the baby was alive the morning I lost her as I felt acouple of gentle kicks.I am trying to focus on my other 4 children at the mo, reminding myself that I have them.We have moved dd back into our room as she is only 7.5 months, its somewhat comforting to wake in the night and see her sleeping, curled up on her side.

[wilbur]

spacecadet, I'm so so sorry to hear your sad news. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you. xx

[hub2dee]

spacey, so glad you liked my idea. Luckily, we have no experience of mc, and as a man I'm even one step further away from appreciating what it feels like. Perhaps it's comforting to know your baby was bathing in your love until the end ?

The cherry that has been flowering the last week or so near us is Prunus Dulcis. Pretty pink flowers, softly scented. You could post in the Garden thread as I'm sure a few experienced plantswomen could offer more suggestions.

[fisil]

so sorry to hear your news Spacecadet. I find lighting candles very comforting - and it's not something I'd ever done before my mc.

[Spacecadet]

no excusefor not knowing about plants hub2dee as my dh is manager of agarden centre! when i feel a bit better i may explore the possibility of planting something in our garden, we have a lovely flowering cherry at the mo, i quite likethe idea of a magnolia tree.

[hub2dee]

Saw a number of magnolias in bloom in central London today.

Lovely.

Only hesitation is that its bloom is relatively short, and the tree isn't arguably the most beautiful for the rest of the year, esp. the Winter. However, for those weeks it's blooming, it is stunning.

I went with a Malus (flowering crabapple) for the tiny front garden (Malus Rudolph if you want to test dh's knowledge ). Upright habit so it looks uplifting instead of sad. Scented pinky blossom to make us / guests smile as they walk to the front door, leaves changing colour through the season for interest, fruit remaining on tree to feed the hungry birdies in Autumn (didn't want to faff around picking small fruit... other species would be better if you're a jam maker !)

Just realised: A tree would mean you could ALSO plant underneath !!!! If you don't want seasonal croci etc., but need evergreen ground cover, some Stachys (lamb's ear - you know the little grey-green furry plant kids love to stroke) might be a pleasure to stroke and remember your lost angels.

[Spacecadet]

just asked dh what a malus rudolph was and he knew straight away..damn can never catch him out, we have a vast back garden and a large front garden so plenty of room to plant trees,with non invasiveroots, will give it some thought, posting on here helpsalot as i have hidden myself away from rl at the mo and thinking a bout other stuff dulls the pain temporarily,trying to immerse myself in anything and everything at the mo, only help from the hospital was to be sent home with a leaflet about the misscarriage assiciation.

[CountessDracula]

spacecadet just wanted to say sorry

fwiw the tree sounds like a lovely idea.

[soapbox]

Spacecadet - I'm so sorry about Eve and I've no idea why this awful thing happened to you.

Eve is a lucky girl though - she has a mummy who loves her and who will always hold her close to her heart

I think the flowers or tree idea is lovely

[wendy11]

Spacecadet - I am so sorry for the loss of your little daughter Eve and my thoughts are with you and your family at this time.
We lost our much longed for little son, at 23 weeks due to Potters Syndrome and I know only too well the awful sense of loss and grief that you are experiencing. This was our first child after trying for five years and no matter what happens in the future he will always be our first born son, hence why we called him Adam. Any child we may be blessed with in the future will be a brother or sister for Adam. I think when you lose a baby at whatever stage you mourne for the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for that child as much as anything. We are lucky in that we have a grave to go and visit - he is buried with my father and I get comfort from that. I also talk to him every night just before I go to sleep and tell him what his mummy and daddy have done throughout the day and how much we love and miss him. I day good night and send him kisses. I found I felt very isolated after our loss and couldn't or didn't want to talk to anyone in RL about how I was feeling. I can now talk about him although I still find I cry very easily when I say his name out loud - it will be 6 months on Thursday since we lost him. We have planted an oak tree in the field beside our home as Adam did not get the chance to grow into a big stong boy on earth we felt that the oak symbolised everyting big and strong that we would have hoped for our son.
Please be kind to yourself. Don't put yourself in any situations where you are not happy and take everyting at your own pace. Don't be rushed into doing anything until you feel ready. I hope that you will receive the comfort and strength that you need to face the future and move forward taking Eve with you in your heart.

[hermykne]

wendy11 what nice words of comfort for spacecadet, both of you bring tears to my eyes.
you are both extremetly strong and i can only imagine how each day must be and how your minds eye must envisage them, i am so sorry.

[kate100]

Spacecadet,please don't ever feel that you are gatecrashing the due in August threads, you are welcome anytime. I think the tree is a beautiful idea and I hope that your other children are giving you comfort at this sad time.

[MunchedTooManyMarsLady]

hi spacecadet. I'm so sorry .

Caeli and Wendy11 I'm sorry for your losses too

You have my thoughts and prayers. My words are far too inadequate.

[Spacecadet]

caeli and wendy11thanks kate100 I will lurk quietly from time to time to see how everyones getting on.