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My beautiful DH died in my arms on Saturday aged 37, after an 18 month battle with cancer. I'm left with a 3 year old and a 1 month old ... and I still can't believe I am writing these words. I know some other MNetters have been through this too as I've been lurking for a while - Martianbishop, retiredgoth, onlyjoking, evenstar ... are you there? I've been reading your posts for months now (ever since he was declared terminal) but never had the courage to post before, but I know that you and others will know what I'm going through - the shock, the fear of the future, and some relief that the cruel disease is no longer a constant shadow in the house .. Tell me - is there any light at the end of the tunnel?
I am so sorry to hear that your DH has lost his fight with cancer.
I believe the WAY Foundation is supposed to to be a very good support system. They have a website. Yorkiegirk (who lost her husband 1.5 years ago) may be able to tell you more.
So sorry to hear this. Glad you have stopped lurking though, as you will surely find lots of help and support here - both emotional and practical. Please ask and don't be afraid to post.
Cancer is a truly terrible disease. I suppose there is some light at the end of the tunnel in that at least his suffering is at an end - but now you are on a journey which is very unpredictable.
Sending you lots of MN vibes (and some not very MN [[hugs]])
Thank you all so much - the support and words of comfort from other MNetters is soo lovely, it makes me feel I'm not alone. I have lots of practical help with the DC in RL but I just miss him sooo much. I can't describe how awful it was to watch him fight death right until the last hour, while I stood helpless, watching breathe in - and then not breathe out again. Even though it was expected, it was still such a shock. He was so strong and healthy before, my DS idolised him, but by the end he looked like a skeleton
A friend of mine who was widowed young with small children told me the best advice she had received was never to refuse an invitation, no matter how unpromising or how grim she felt.
squidgemum - I am so sorry to hear you have lost your husband. x
My friend who lost her husband a little over a year ago also had just had a little baby and a four year old. She said that the best bit of advice she was given at the time was that people genuinely want to help, so take any offers of childcare/cooking etc that come your way. She wasn't up to actually orgainising people to come so one of her friends took on that role.
Im so sorry to hear your sad news. Its not really the same but my dad died of cancer when I was 8 (12 years ago now) and even to this day I just sometimes cant believe he is gone. It takes time for you to begin to heal and you need to greieve (sp) Spend time remembering all the wonderful memories you had together and remember the good times. Im sure he is proud of how strong you have been for him and your children throughout his illness! If there is anything any of us can do to help then ask. Everyong around here is so caring and there is always someone around day or night if you need someone to chat to.
I am so sorry. I have no experience of this kind but please believe me with 2 beautiful children - they are the light at the end of the tunnel. Such early days but you will stay strong for them and you will get through (no doubt with moments of complete utter despair) You are a mother so you are stronger than you feel. [hugs]
Oh you poor love I was at my friend's house tonight, she died 7 months ago and her h told me some days he feels like poison runs in his veins, he's so angry. Other days, he fees like honey flows through them because he can feel her still with him and their 3 children. You are not alone. Wishing you much strength and much love.
squidgemum, how absolutley awful for you. I am truly very sorry.
I have been onto OJ's current thread and left her a message.
I too agree with accepting all offers of help. A very dear friend lost her DH nearly 6 weeks ago, has 3 DC's, and is 16 weeks pregnant. She is not capable of making even the smallest of decisions at times so having a good group of friends is helping her a great deal.
I'm sure you will find plenty of support here and there are plenty of people willing to help.
SM, I'm so sorry that the end was so hard. when they are young men they fight it to the bitter end. Dh did and it was the hardest thing that I have ever done to sit and stay with him. I wanted to rund away. Now, 5 months down the line, I'm glad that I stayed, and in an odd way it gives me a degree of comfort.
Hello there. i am so very sorry that your husband died, it is a strange mix of emotions isn't it when something has taken over your life for so long it feels like it is someone elses life you are living, or that you will wake up and find it was all a bad dream. like MB says take all the help you are offered, anything you think or feel is ok thou you may feel unsure of everything don't rush into deciding anything. if you want to CAT me i can add you to my MSN. ask any questions and i will try to answer them. glad to see you have some help with the children, rest when you can, sleep when you can and eat when you feel you can. When you feel up to it it might be worth you joining WAY i have found it useful. i expect you are being kept very busy sorting out all the arrangements, do shout up if any of us can help in anyway.
I am so sorry to read your post, and to hear of yet another young family going through this. Rest assured you will always find a sympathetic ear on mumsnet. I think people are around most of the day and night. We may not have any experience but we certainly care and you will be able to offload onto someone. I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't post much here but am also a widow, my DH died suddenly age 34 when I was pregnant. There is lots of support out there and on MN.
All I can say is, just try to take things slowly and when contemplating the next day is too much, just get through the next hour. And when that is much you scale it down to getting through the next 10 minutes instead. Take all offers of help, particularly with your children.
Also have a look at www.merrywidow.me.uk - a really wonderful website founded by a woman who was widowed in her thirties. She wrote a fabulous book, which may be helpful to you right now as well as in the future and there is lots of online support there.
Also to say - yes there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's approaching 2 years for me and things are considerably better than they used to be. You have to hang on in there through the ups and the downs, there is no quick way I'm afraid - but it DOES get better. I promise.
Thank you all of you from the bottom of my heart, I wish I could reply personally but it would take a long time so please know I am so grateful for your support. It feels very bleak right now and after I post this I'm off to bed (amazingly, the newborn DS still waking up at night as if the world hasn't been shattered), but I'll log on again tomorrow. MB - I'm glad you wrote you wanted to run away when your dh was dying - so did I - it was at times a horrific experience. Although he was peaceful at the end, I'll never know if that was due to the sedatives or a genuine peace that he felt... OJ - I would reaaly like to chat more privately - sorry for my ignorance but how do I CAT you? Wishing you all a peaceful night, and if you have a DH, tell him you love him.
My friend was older when her husband died but after a hard time initially she is now seeing someone and does find it helps. I hope you have some help with the practical issues, if not I am sure you can get help here.
oh i am so so very sorry to hear this. please take every bit of help that gets offered and do not bottle it all up.
so unfair a man of just 37 with a wife and 2 lovely children.
one comforting thought might be that, for your dh he was in your arms when he slipped away. i know thats where most people would wish to be when they go. and he got to see your lovely baby.
Hi squidgemum I just tried to send you a message thru MN but it told me you had selected not to receive them. My DH died in August 2006, my DDs were 4 and 2 at the time, so I understand how you are feeling with two very young children to care for whilst coping with your own grief. The WAY foundation has been great for me, so when things have settled a little do join, it really is worth it. If you want to email me, my addy is annajahead at yahoo dot co dot uk
So so sorry Squidgemum. I was with my dear Dad when he died 8 weeks ago; it was both a privilege and so difficult at the same time. Hope you get some sleep. I hope you are managing with all the arrangements. Thinking of you and your DC.
Please let us know if there's anything we can do. I hope you get some comfort from sharing your painful journey with us all, especially those who have sadly been where you are now.
Sm so sorry for your loss. I don't post here very often, but like you I take a lot of comfort from reading and knowing that I am not alone.
My DW died in my arms 5 months ago after a 2.5 year battle with cancer, I have 3 kids a bit older than yours but still left with just one parent. Right now I imagine that you are feeling shock,even though you know it is coming you still don't believe it when it happens. maybe a little relief that it is all over perhaps mixed in with guilt at feeling relieved like that.
I don't know about light at the tunnel. others that are further down the road none of us want to travel say that it gets easier to bear. At five months there are good days and bad days (right now I imagine there are only bad days).
It is easier if you can chat to others, CAT OnlyJoking by clicking on the envelope next to her name, if you want to chat to others of us that are out there she will put you in touch with others to chat with.
Right now all you can do is take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time. Hang in there and you will get through these first really tough few weeks.
Can't imagine what you are going through squidgemum, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I will light a candle in church for you and your husband.. May you have strength to carry on with the memories xox
this is something that i have found helpful both to read and to give to friends who want to help, i hope you find it useful.
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.
Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.
Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."
Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.
I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.
I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.
I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.
I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.
When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.
Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.
I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.
Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:
(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together. (b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day. (c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone. (d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.
Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.
Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.
Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.
And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.
I'm so sorry - I lost my mother to cancer but can't begin to imagine what you're going through. What I do know is that you'll have lots and lots of support here - we'll be thinking of you.
Am so sorry to hear this, am in floods as I type. Dh & I are at the beginning of your battle right now and I just want to hug you cos I know within a short space of time I'll be writing a similar message.
oj thanks for that post it really makes you think, i will try to remember the good advice on that. people tend to think of don't say anything you will upset him/her, but that just hurts them more.
so sorry for your loss squidgemum. My dad died 4 months ago, and I know how hard it is for my mum, I cannot comprehend how it is for you with a young family. Wishing you love. Please contact WAY and Yorkiegirl when you feel ready. You will gets lots of support here.
Squidge, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm one of the ones who knows exactly what you're going through. I lost my DH to cancer in August. He was only 43. I have two young boys, age 5 and 4. All I can say at the moment is just take each day as it comes and don't try to think too far ahead. CAT me if there's anything you need or I can do for you. If there's any practical advice I can give you or just a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you.
squuidge hi i,m debbie i to lost my husband to cancer be it 10 years ago i know how you must be feeling i truely do he also was 37 and he had testacular cancer my heart is with you at the very sad time thinking of you and your family xx
Im sure he is proud of how strong you have been for him and your children throughout his illness! If there is anything any of us can do to help then ask. Everyong around here is so caring and there is always someone around day or night if you need someone to chat to. 
