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Can not believe that I am posting this message and doubt I ever will.
My 20 year old son commited suicide on Monday and I found out on Thursday tea time.
He had been missing from Monday, the police had been informed and we were so worried about him, but really did not expect this.
He had a very good job, he had just passed his heating engineering exam, was living in a nice area renting a lovely flat from a friend, had so many friends who all loved him.
I am going from despair to disbelief at the moment and keep going round and round asking questions that will probably never be answered.
I do know that drugs had played a part in his teenage years but this was always played down to us, I had told him so so many times that it would end up badly for him if he carried on but he always denied it.
I am dreading the funeral, ofcourse what mum wouldn't, how am I going to get through it?
If anyone can offer any help or support I would appreciate this.
That is truly devestating, I am so, so sorry darling. I hope you have friends and family around who can support you. Be kind t yourself, I wish you strength and wish peace for Oliver xxx
Oh Everlong.... hugs to you....... I can only try to imagine what you are going through. No parent expects to bury their child. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Oh im so very sorry My sister comitted suicide 5 years ago so i have an idea of what you must be going through. If you feel the need to talk at some point in the future i am here for you. RIP Oliver xxxx
please think about contacting this organisation compassionate friends they have a helpline and special support for parents who have lost a child through suicide
Oh Everlong I'm so so sorry. My dd 23 lost her father to suicide two years ago. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling but if you want to cat me to talk off the board you are more than welcome.
everlong I'm so sorry to read this I can't think of what to say, I wish I had words that would comfort you but I don't Don't know your details but do you have family or friends who are looking after you
I do have immediate family, but many good friends too.
Everyone is supporting me. I am estranged from Olivers dad, but we have been helping each other with our loss and this is helping me, because someone else know the pain that I'm in exactlly.
My DH is adorable anyway and I love him so much, he is grieving badly for Oliver as he had brought him up since Oli was 7.
I am very anxious about the funeral and if it's not too insensitive would be grateful to those who experienced a loss to know how to cope, I am filled with dread about it.
I have just left my details with compassionate friends and will definately look at the other links too, thank you.
I cant begin to imagine what it is like to lose a child and I am so sorry for you, I have lost my mum to suicide and my cousin and I have spent a lot of time thinking about why and what if, how to get through the funeral, just put one foot in front of the other and do and say what you need to, I am sorry I cant be more help both funerals are a real blur.
I am so very sorry and can only second what others have said. When you feel ready go for counselling as it will help with the questions and the 'why us?' and especially 'what could i have done?' No real advice for the funeral. I have been to funerals of children who passed away from their disabilities and to be honest couldn't understand how they could speak and stand up. So sorry.
I don't have any words that can comfort you but didn't want to ignore your post. My heart goes out to you and your family. With much love and sympathy.
please try not to worry too much about the funeral. we lost our teenaged son a few years ago and we had a cremation then a memorial service. its not as bad as you imagine - there are bits when you break down or nearly but most of the time you find the strength to get through it
we were fortunate to be able to have the memorial service exactly the way we wanted it, so it was very personal to Ds. do you have someone you knwo who can take the funeral for you eg a minister of religion or similar person? Once you are able to sit down and talk through all the praticalities it really helps eg choosing music, people to take part etc . you then begin to think about how you can have all the things that your son would have liked
on teh day i found i was focussed on
oh how lovely that x is here
Ds woudl really have loved that music
what a lovely tribute from Y
how kind of z to come
rather than " oh my goodness this cant be real, Ds is in that coffin " etc etc
I'm so sorry you're going through this, everylong.
My brother committed suicide 18 months ago and I'm afraid I still don't know how to deal with it. I think it's the hardest kind of death to cope with as there's so many questions that will never be answered along with the guilt and wondering whether you could've done something more to make his life happier/ more bearable.
I saw a couple of counsellors but I think they struggled a bit as they didn't have any experience of suicide. The experts in this area are sobs and when you're ready maybe you can get in touch with them.
Try not to worry too much about the funeral, we had a fantastic day hearing everyone's memories of my brother- his friends had lots of stories to tell and have been a great support to my parents since.
So so sorry. This must be unimaginable. Don't know what to say, except I hope you have the love and support around you that you deserve over the coming weeks and months.
Everlong... am so very very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how this must feel I have no experience with coping at funerals but can only say you must do exactly what you see fit to help you cope. I imagine you will want it to be a fitting tribute to your son, so do exactly that, do not worry about convention, others opinions etc. Take time to think about Oliver, especially all the wonderful things he must have done. What sort of funeral are you planning?
Oh everlong, that is so dreadfully sad. Poor Oliver and poor you - all of you, his family and friends. I'm so sorry he found himself in such a terrible place.
With regards to the funeral my Nan passed away 2 weeks ago and we had no idea about what to do. The undertaker suggested a humanist funeral as Nan had no faith. A lovely man sat with my Mum and went through my Nan's life with her. He wrote out a beautiful tribute to her and DS2 read a lovely poem. We had no reference to God and 3 songs were played. Then Nan was cremated.
I am sure that once you get the deathe certificate sorted the undertaker will hepl you with regards to the arrangements of the funeral.
I wish you and your family much love and strength at this difficult time.
I'm sitting here trying to think of something useful or comforting to say, but I cannot think of anything that would do justice to what you are going through.
KatyMorag - I'm so sad that you were in my situation, thank you so much for the advice, it is exactly what I need to hear, I will read your post again, even print it off.
We are having a church funeral and he will buried in the graveyard there.
It is a 1 minute drive away or a short walk.
It is next to where his best friends live and they feel so glad that he will be there and that they can go to him whenever they want, us also of course. I feel some comfort that he still be in our village where he grew up.
So, so sorry everlong. Haven't read the whole thread, but if it hasn't yet been mentioned, The Compassionate Friends (www.tcf.org.uk)is a charity that offers help and support to bereaved parents and siblings. I have found them very helpful in the past.
I am so sorry. Sending you love and prayers and sympathy.
what I found is that we became focussed on how we could have the best possible funeral for Ds. it was one thing we could still do for him IYSWIM.we tried to make it a celebration of his life, rather than focus on his death. we had music he liked, family members ( not us) took part, his head teacher spoke etc. So it became very personal and not a "standard" funeral ( if there is such a thing).
For us that made it easier because on the day we were thinking about how well it was going and not about the terrible things that had happened the previous week. for us the days after the funeral were just the start of the grieving process. In the week in between the death and teh funeral we were caught up with all the practicalities and didnt have time to think . which was a good thing
our minister was a great help and support to us. i hope yours is too
our son was ill and in hospital for weeks befroe his death, so in a sense it was expected, and not sudden. although nothing prepares you for such a thing....
i suspect that many people in your situation woudl be very angry, that someone with so much to live for - good friends, a career,youth and health, a loving family - should waste it all. when i was in my 20s a good friend took his own life and i remember storming about the room calling him for everything, saying " i could kill him" . it seemed so selfish ....
in time I was able to understand that my friend was ill - his behaviour was totally irrational. His mind was so disturbed that he honestly believed that there was no way forward aftre his Gf had dumped him. He was depressed and /or under the influence of drugs/alcohol - which he had taken because he was so depressed. You have to be ill to believe that whatever is troubling you is so bad that the only was to fix it is jump off a cliff.... you are right, it's SO brutal
it took me years to "forgive" him, and he was "just" a friend. i don't know how one forgives a son.....
I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss. A wise person one told me that the pain we feel is comensurate to the love we gave and also that over a child life we will all cry a certian amount of tears, some will cry more at one time than other.
I am so sorry that you are shedding all your tears now.
everlong, I'm so terribly sorry. I don't have the words.
DH's lost two friends, aged 20. One through an accident, one through suicide. In both instances, the funerals were wonderful reflections of the lives they celebrated. The music, readings and tributes were carefully selected and even the parents -who were in no place to celebrate life in the midst of such a bleak and terrible time- were carried through the funerals because of how fitting they were.
When I was at university one of my tutor group committed suicide. His parents had a private funeral (understandably) but a huge memorial service about six weeks later which was full of his friends from uni and school. It was very bright and upbeat in tone and even though they must have been walking shells of their real selves I think his parents did take comfort from it.
So sorry for you and your family. Suicide is hard to understand and almost impossible to explain.
I have had a close friend take her life in a similar way to your son - she jumped from a bridge and also a colleague who deliberately drove her car into a lake and drowned. After our colleague died we had professional support and I was strangely comforted to know that the more violent the death the more determined the person was to achieve their goal. Also, that if someone is determined to take their own life they will do it and absolutely nothing will stop them.
More recently, my friend's husband took his own life and she has been amazing. My heartbroken friend says she totally respects her husband's decision, that she supported him in life and will continue to do so in his death. She has said and done some very, very strange things but I have learned that when something like this happens there are no boundaries left. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, unless they are helping you just walk away.
Thank you all for your wise words I do find comfort in them.
Katy - I really hope you don't think that I think your loss is any less than mine, to lose your son at any and under any circumstance is intolerable and destroying.
Oh I am so sad for you. I lost my nineteen year old brother in a car accident nearly six years ago and have watched my parents going through the most horrific agony since then. My mother can not accept his death in any way and refuses to talk about him being dead. It has even got to the point where she has tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately I cannot give you any practical advice except keep talking, to anyone and everyone, even write your feelings down if you feel that helps. Also go to see your doctor, they may be able to answer some of your questions regarding your sons state of mind etc. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find some peace in your memories and loved ones xx
No death so sad as that of a child. I have an idea of the pain you are going through. Please come to a very special MN thread where we are all bereaved mums and offer support and experience and a listening ear. We are also known to LOL and tell rude jokes.
My dh's brother died 8 years ago, aged 23. It was very sudden and unexpected. Like you, he died on the Monday and we didn't find out til the Wednesday because he lived away from home and it took time for the police to find out my PILs details.
Because he died so suddenly there had to be a PM which was inconclusive so there had to be a second set of tests done. I think we had nearly 2 weeks between his death and the funeral. In a way it was hard because it's a time of being completely in limbo, in another way it meant there was plenty of time to plan the service.
We had it in the village church where they were christened - their old childhood vicar came back to do the service and a friend of PILs who was a lay reader read a tribute that the PILs had written.
We actually had the interrment first because MIL couldn't bear the thought of looking at the coffin through the service. So it was a family only burial (in a plot that MIL and FIL will also go into eventually) then the service in church.
DH and his sister read a few words they'd written about BIL, we had hymms that he liked, a man from the village sang his favourite song and another local lad played a medley of his favourite songs on the piano at the beginning and end.
There were so many people there - friends from school, uni, his colleagues travelled for 3 hours to be there, PILs friends, dh and SILs friends were there as well as many people from the village who knew him. I think it helped my PILs to know just how much people thought of both BIL and them. We had a wake at PILs house afterwards - sandwiches, cold meats, salad, etc, nothing that took much effort - and lots of people came to it. I think that also helped the PILs a lot as they found out so many things about BIL that they didn't know. It created extra memories for them, in a way.
I hope you can find a way to have the service that you want. You are having to make decisions no parents ever want to make but it will in a weird way help you through the next few days.
Thank you Shabster, I've always liked you as a poster, you are very caring and empathetic.
I will come and join you all soon x
Olihan, thank you for writing about your loss.
It sounds weird but I get some comfort when someone actually has suffered a loss and I don't feel like I am the only that has been through this iyswim.
Struggled today. The weather is so awful. Just keep crying and feel so helpless. Had some lovely cards though and flowers.
Yesterday had a letter posted by a lady in my village whom I know vaguely from school. It was so heartfelt and gave me comfort. She had sufferd a cot death some years ago and I thought how lovely that she could think of me enough to write such a letter to let us know we are in her thoughts.
. it seemed so selfish ....
as you say its always terrible 
