Three weeks ago, due to botched medical and midwifery care, one of my term twin sons died during labour.
His twin nearly died and was delivered by CS with an initial APGAR score of 3. He survived and we thank a "higher power" daily for this.
I have two elder DS's and we are a close and loving family.
I am finding it so difficult to deal with, I was cocooned in a state of shock in hospital for a week afterwards and was desperate to get home and back into some kind of normality. We run our own business (two children's day nurseries) and I've been back helping out over the last week for a couple of hours a day. I hoped that this would help me to get a grip on the real world and had somehow hoped that it would act as a distraction and emotional sticking plaster.
It hasn't, in fact I am hit by the awfulness of what's happened as, removed from my cocoon, I can see that "life goes on" and that really hurts.
I drove home from the nursery with my 3 week old son, in tears as I listened to the radio. There was a real "lads song" on - Nirvana or something and I got this image of my beautiful baby as a spotty, surly adolescent who I would embarass frequently but who would always be "my baby." I thought of his twin brother who I would never see and the pain was unbearable.
Went to the supermarket later with the baby while the older boys were at school and was stopped in the street by so many people that I know (but not well enough for them to know what had happened) and of course they knew I'd been pregnant with twins and so asked "Where's the other baby?" I came home and crumpled.
Is this ever going to ease?
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Is this ever going to ease?
23 replies
bubble99 · 11/03/2005 20:07
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