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Some of you so kindly wrote words of comfort to me when I shared that my brother was dying. He died on Friday. How is it that despite expecting it it was still a terrible shock? I had left him the evening before, and 15 hours later he was dead. I still can't work out how his body wasn't him. He still looked the same as he had when I left. I keep asking myself how and why.
I am so sorry MissM, I did read about your brother's illness. I don't think we can ever really prepare ourselves for the death of a loved one. It always seems to be such a terrible shock, no matter how much warning you have.
I am very sorry my love. It is still a shock when they go, even when you have some warning. I lost my brother in 1994 - he was only 22 and I still wish he could see what we are up to now - such a sad loss. Be kind to yourself. It is a weird state you are in at the mo. Keep eating, try to sleep, and talk of him often. x love to you.
I'm so so sorry. You must be in such a state - go easy on your self. Get through the funeral, and when you feel able maybe think about bereavement counselling?
MissM Sending you courage and strength for the road ahead. My brother died in 2001. You will need support and kindness and I hope that you can find a little help here on Mumsnet as i did. Take care of yourself first and others second.
MissM, I am so sorry. You are not alone here. MN is a great support in times like these. I lost my dad 4 weeks ago to cancer, 2 months from diagnosis to end. Although we knew it was coming it was still a shock to realise how quickly he went downhill at the end. How could he have a conversation and recite poetry and be dead 48 hours later? It is very hard to take in. But try to be glad that you had lots of time with him at the end and he knew your love. I have experienced the sudden deaths of 2 friends recently and while I don't want to compare them it makes me remind myself that our family had some time and space to accept what was happening to my dad. He was so young my heart breaks for you. These are such difficult days for you but I hope that in the future you can smile and be proud of all that he was, without the tears and heartache. Best wishes x
You are all so kind. I'm still not taking it in. I kept looking at his chest and my eyes wouldn't let me believe that it wasn't moving up and down still. Today I didn't want to get up. Thank goodness I have two children that I have to look after otherwise I'm not sure when I would again. I am so sad that so many people have to go through this hideous, brutal illness.
Miss M Sending you my support for you and your family. My brother died last year aged 32 and it is a horrible thing that you never imagine is ever going to happen It is 'unbelievable ' I know Just take each day as it comes and yes , children are good for keeping you going, but remember to give yourself time to think/grieve as well
Oh Miss M I am so sorry to hear your sad news. As you say, even thought you were expecting it - can still be horrible shock. I spoke to you before about my brother - the next few days you will just have to go with your emotions. I remember going from raw, gut wrenching sobbing to times of strange calm. Did visit him a few times as although it was hard to see him, felt close to him, stroking his hair. Also felt him around me in those first few days - more than ever do now - gave me some sense of peace. Look after yourself and your family, accept any help from friends, don't feel there is any 'right' way of doing things - just do what feels natural to do. Sending you all my love and thoughts.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though you were expecting it, it probably feels as if that time given was too short. At the moment and in the coming weeks, it's going to hurt. Nothing will make that any easier, but gradually you will laugh at something he would have laughted at and say "X would have found that funny" and the good memories of when he was well will come back. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.
MissM, I am so sorry. It feels so unreal, I know, you stand and look, you tell yourself "This has happened" and you cannot believe it. And tomorrow the same. There are many good people on MN who can help and will help, I know that. It will change but it will be a while. You are not alone. Am thinking of you.
Pushki - thank you. Calm is what I seem to have been feeling most of the time today and yesterday. I'll lose it for a bit and have a few minutes of real sobbing, and then back to being calm again. On Sunday I felt like I wasn't 'normal' because I felt so calm and everyone else had clearly spent all night crying. But I will remind myself that my reaction is as normal as the others. Right now it is just solid disbelief that this has happened.
So so sorry for you and your family. As lots of others have said, be kind to yourself, and give yourself permission to do whatever feels right at any given moment.
My brother died suddenly 4 1/2 months ago at 24 - can understand some of what you're feeling. He will live in your heart and memories forever.
i,m so sorry to hear your sad news i know how your feeling !!i lost my husband and my brother within 6 months of each other so i know its heart breaking be strong
So very sorry..........Life is so very unfair sometimes. My eldest son (26 yrs) lost two of his brothers - one of them was his twin. They were much younger than your brother but Im not sure how we all survived, but we have.
Just wanted you to know we are sending our love to your family from our family. Take care xxxx
Thank you for your kind messages. How have some of you coped with all your sadness? I don't know anyone who has lost their brother (I guess I'm too young) so don't feel I have anyone to really share this with, apart from my other brother. I guess I will have to share it with you guys. It's so strange - I feel so normal, and then I'll remember he's not here and it feels so very unreal - how can this be so? When do you start believing it?
When? When does it get easier? Right now all I can see is it getting worse as it begins to sink in that he really has gone. Him being ill for so long doesn't ease the shock or the pain.
MissM, my dad died nearly 2 years ago, but I can't imagine what it's like losing a sibling. Over time the pain of a bereavement changes - you never lose it, it just alters and yes, on some day in the future your brother may not be the first thing you think about when you wake up, or at least not with sadness.
I'm so so sorry. Please be kind to yourself and don't expect too much, too soon, xxx
so, so sorry missm. Please try to be kind to yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself. If you want to cry then cry. If you want to talk then talk. If you want to be quiet then be quiet
Not going to pretend to you that it got easy for me that quickly after my brother died. I still find it hard but you will find a way through all the grief - just go with your feelings, find a way to talk when you need to. At some point you may want to have some bereavement counselling - ironically I didnt but thinking of having some now 5 yrs on. Not having other siblings was hard as I felt very alone and aware of the loss that my parents were going through - friends & relatives always asking how they were & how awful it must be for them, which of course it is, but at times felt as if my loss went unnoticed - was expected by other relatives to "look after" my parents. So talk to your other brother lots - you will both be feeling a unique loss of a sibling. Look after yourselves x
Not going to pretend to you that it got easy for me that quickly after my brother died. I still find it hard but you will find a way through all the grief - just go with your feelings, find a way to talk when you need to. At some point you may want to have some bereavement counselling - ironically I didnt but thinking of having some now 5 yrs on. Not having other siblings was hard as I felt very alone and aware of the loss that my parents were going through - friends & relatives always asking how they were & how awful it must be for them, which of course it is, but at times felt as if my loss went unnoticed - was expected by other relatives to "look after" my parents. So talk to your other brother lots - you will both be feeling a unique loss of a sibling. Look after yourselves x
Sorry to hear of your loss MissM My sister died in 2002, she was 21. I dont know anyone in real life this has happened too and it is really isolating. She was also ill but in a way it doesnt prepare you. Someone said to me, when someone is ill its as though being ill is a part of them, you dont expect them to die, you just think they are ill and cope with that. I think its true and i think thats why its such a shock. I remember viasiting my sister after her death and thinking she was still breathing. I kept looking at her chest and I was sure it was moving up and down I kept thinking, this just isnt real, they have made a mistake. I think its your body's way of helping you get through the shock. It tricks you into thinking it isnt real
MissM i am so sorry that you have lost your brother,i remember posting to you before that my brother had had the same illness many years ago and is still with us today,i am sorry this wasnt to be for your brother,we have also lost a young sister who was 24 but of a different illness,The first few days and weeks its hard to come to terms with it ,but i would like to reassure you that eventually you will come to terms with it and look back and remember some of the happier times.I know you think at the moment you will never be happy again,but one day you will find yourself having a smile about something that has happened and realise that in spite of your pain ,life does in fact go on,just in a different way.Wishing you extra strength for the next few very sad days and weeks.
It's a pretty crap club, and yes , I don't know many people in RL who have lost a sibling in young adulthood. MissM, we are now 18m post my brother's death Odd things get me, songs we would sing along together etc. It is his birthday tomorrow and my mum's today so we are having a family get-together It is wierd that he is not coming It does seem more real as time goes by, and I always picture his body if it doesn't seem real, his shell without him in it. But as the time goes by, you miss them more and more. I have missed out on years of growing old together (we had just got over all those teeangery/twenties angst/aggro and were starting to like each other for who we were. I have lost the person that I grew up with, all my shared stories of holidays together and childhood games and mischief,my younger sister was not the sidekick that my brother was. And my DCs have been cheated of their doting uncle And there is often no-one to talk to about it, my parents are dealing with their life shattering into bits, and I just keep walking with my children. There was a very good thread a few months back re sibling loss, i'm going to search for it.
Filz I can relate exactly to what you're saying. I kept looking at his chest and my eyes wouldn't let me believe that it wasn't going up and down. It was still him in the bed, the same person I had left the night before. Darrell - thanks for the thread, will have a look. I also feel so angry and sad that my kids won't know their uncle, especially as he was such an incredible and unique person. And I think a lot about being an old woman and him not being old as well. I know I will always wonder what he would have been like at 80 and how much I wanted to grow old with him. It is so very very unfair.
MissM I am truly sorry for your loss and wish you well for tomorrow.
My dear Nan died this morning and like you although I knew she was going I still feel like I have been hit by a lorry. I have cried so much today and my poor head is splitting.
I can't imagine what it is like to lose a brother, but your pain must be immense. I take comfort from the fact that I have been so lucky to have had my Nan until I am 37 and that she knew my DSes as well as my Nieces and Nephews. I am sorry that your DC's won't know your brother. Keep talking about him though and I wish you strength and love.
OMG, I'm so sorry and so shocked and sorry that so many others have lost siblings so young. I lost my stepfather earlier this year and although he was 63, it was all so quick and awful - believing it actually happend is really hard. You wake up and wonder whether it really happened at all. Time does heal but it's probably hard to accept that or even want to think about that right now.
I am sorry about your grandmother Herbietea. It makes no difference if someone is ill and you're 'expecting' them to die. It's still a terrible, horrible shock. If one more person suggests that it's somehow a comfort that he didn't die suddenly and at least I had time to say my goodbyes I will scream. There would never have been enough time to say all the things I wanted to say to him and to have all the conversations we were yet to have. And he did die suddenly. I still expected him to be there smiling at me when I arrived the next day.
You are all so kind but this is giving me a stress headache so I'll have to stop now.
Miss M - just thinking of you today and hope you get through the funeral ok. Agreed with your last post so much - people said the same to me - 'it would have been worse if' he had died this way or that way. Actually nothing feels as if it could possibly be any worse than it is already - he's not there anymore and you want him to be so much it hurts Sending you my thoughts and support.
MissM,how did it go on Saturday? I hope your brother had the send off he deserved. I know I look on my brother's as an awe-inspiring moment.
I can completely relate to what you were sayin about just starting to get along with your brother etc. How old was he?
I'm afraid that it does get worse before it gets better. I'm only 5 months down the line, and although I thought I was starting to come to terms with it, I have found myself sinking back into being incapable of believing he's actually gone. It just seems so unfair that a person's life be cut short so young.
The only thing you can do, and I mean only, is take each hour as it comes. Don't look to far forward. Deal with the emotion as it hits you and don't worry about tomorrow. I really hope you can talk to someone - I know I can't really talk about it with my other brother - bereavement counselling is really helping me.
Please pm or email me (jpclgerard at hotmail dot com) if you want a chat.
Thank you for your thoughts. Saturday was amazing really - there must have been over 200 people there and it was a pretty incredible occassion. I managed to read my eulogy despite crying through most of it but lowering him in to the grave was very tough. I felt as though I was at someone else's funeral most of the time. Only once did I allow myself to think 'I'm burying my brother', and it was too scary so I didn't go there again. Today I just feel like I'm emotionless (and shattered - DS woke up at 5 this morning!)
Evan'smummy my brother was 34. This thread is really helping cos I don't know anyone in RL who has lost a brother . I really feel for you guys too - wish this didn't have to happen to anyone.
thinking of you MissM -and well done for reading the eulogy-that was brave and your brother would be so proud. I can't remember whether I linked to a good thread which ran about a year ago about the loss of a sibling- was very interesting and comforting - my brother died many,many years ago aged 10 - will see if I can find it, but apologies if you've already come across it..
Miss M - well done for getting through the funeral and finding the strength to read a eulogy - that will be a comfort to you to know you managed that.
Be prepared for feeling the emptyness that you will undoubtedly feel now after the funeral - horrible.....the feeling that you should somehow be getting back to 'normal' - how I hate that phrase! You may not feel like doing very much at all - go with it if you can, take up any offers of support you can, ask for help and just don't let yourself feel guilty for feeling crap!!
There are obviously quite a few of us on here that have lost a brother - I haven't been a big MNetter in the past, but these threads do help unite some of us and quite comforting to get our thoughts out and offer support to each other.
Well done for reading at your brother's funeral MissM. My older brother read at my younger brother's funeral and I don't know how he did it. Very, very brave of you.
I agree about the surreal aspect of it, my brother too had an overflowing churchfull. One of the worst bits for me was when we followed his coffin down the tiny country lane to the church. The coffin was being carried and we were all walking.And then in the church looking at his widow and 3 young children all sitting in the front row.
I started crying in the car about half an hour before arriving and didn't stop until the funeral was over. A black day
Hello everyone. Getting through the days but feeling very flat and finding it hard to care about anything except the children. Big big cry tonight. I'm glad I managed the eulogy. I almost didn't, turned to DH and said 'I can't', but he told me I could and I did and that was just the right thing for him to do. Your advice is so good and I'm trying to follow it, most of all taking each hour as it comes and trying to deal with the feelings as they occur, not trying to anticipate anything. Have also tried talking to my brother a bit, but it makes me cry too much and I just end up asking him why this had to happen
Helps to 'talk' to people here though, knowing that others can relate.
Hi missm i wanted to write and say how sorry i was to hear of your loss. My sister died last april, she was 35 and it was a totaly shock to us all. There hasn't been a day gone by that i haven't thought of her and for months i kept seeing things and thinking 'oh i must tell pauline about ..' and then remembering that she wasn't here anymore. She was my only sibling and i often think of how my old age will be without her to share memories with. I am lucky to have a lovely DH and DD and now that over a year has gone by i do feel normal again. I am still sad about it and i think i'll always feel slightly angry at the fairness of it all, but i do not cry so much now. I remember her with lots of smiles and with love in my heart.
You should be so proud of yourself to read the eulogy - i so wanted to and just couldn't do it, so well done for finding the strength, i am sure he would of been so proud of you.
Lots of love and support to you honey, believe me it does get easier.
So sorry for your loss It is such a crap illness, my mum died from it last year and now my dad has prostate cancer, we don't yet know how badly - can't bear the thought of losing him too.
