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We are at stalemate on the subject of wakes. So i would appreciate the views of others on this. It's taken all day for me to pluck up the courage to ask
there is often a food-orientated event in many religions where family and friends can gather and tell stories about the deceased or memories... it is a comforting thing ...alcohol and food are generally included
but you can have a 'wake' that isn't religious
it is really a personal decision of the bereaved.
I'm sorry I don't know your story nor who are the 'stalematers'
I think wakes are an integral part of grief, but saying that I come from a big Irish Catholic family!
All the wakes I have attended have never been creepy, I have enjoyed passing on stories and hearing tales about the person we have lost, and I think also that at a time when all seems so lost and dark, remembering the life of someone should be honored. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom, some of the best parties I have been to have been thrown by my passed friends and family.
I really like the idea. I think it's so healthy to really get a chance to be with the body which is no longer inhabited.
When DHs Nan died the family were so at ease with her body in the middle of the room. They came for a chat now and again, but it really, really helped the transition and the grieving.
Is this something you want to do for Tia? In my experience wakes have been a celebration of life, and although 'wakes' are traditionally Irish, I really don't see that it's any different from having a reception or whatever after the funeral.
I suppose one way to decide is to try to work out whether it would make you feel a tiny bit better to have a sandwich/drink/cry with friends and members of the extended family after the funeral, or whether you think it would make you feel worse.
You can always get someone else to organise it, so that it's not something you have to worry about.
I want the chance to have her here for the day before, my husband is of the opinion this is not a good idea and she should remain at the fd. I wanted to have the chance to speak rationally to him about it except that didn't happen, and now we're at stalemate.
I'm sure your instinct to want to spend time with her at home it utterly understandable, but of course so it your husband's position.
Could you contact Cruse bereavement counselling and see whether they could get someone to talk it through with you and your husband? Maybe you need a neutral presence in the room to enable you to talk about it?
when I lived in Belfast I went to numerous wakes. They were all held in people's homes. I must admit that coming from the States I found it a bit disconcerting to see open coffins in people's living rooms but it is the done thing there. For 3 days and the family didn't sleep.
Tiamummy, I am so sorry you have lost your dd, I think there is no harm in having her with you for a little longer, you will have chance to share your love for her, try to explain how much this means to you, and ask him to please let you have these last moments with her.
My heart goes out to you, love to you and your family, and a special prayer for your daughter x
Hi Tia mummy all I can say is what we decided to do , I also wanted Harry here with us the night before but in the end we decided against it as I knew I would just sit downstairs drinking and crying all night and be in an even worse state on the day than I already was . We did however have him here for a couple of hours in the morning before the funeral , other than my mum and a couple of others nobody else came to the house to see him . I can completely understand that and it didn't bother me because I had him at home for us not others . It felt natural that he should leave from here for me but I know that a few people thought I was a bit odd (It helped me so I didn't care )
All these decisions at the moment feel so huge and I know the worry of not knowing if you will regret any decisions you make now .
My gut feeling is if i don't have her here i'll not cope and the actual day won't feel real to me. I need that closure of knowing it is her. Do you understand what i mean. I know this isn't all about what i want though, which is what's making just this decision so very hard. By me not having her here, i'll forever feel guilty like i don't want her here, when i do.
Tiamummy - This is a highly emotive subject and I would never wish to upset anyone who had lost a child so this is my own personal opinion and may not be right for you or anyone else but perhaps your DH is trying to protect you by not wanting your DD's body in the house before the funeral?
It's not her anymore. When people in my family have died I've not wanted to have their bodies in the house because you just feel such regret at not being able to hold them anymore and tell them you love them and they are so close, but not there - do you understand what I mean?
Do what you feel is right, but please bear in mind your DH may feel as I do that it'll just make it harder and everyone deals with grief in their own way and has different needs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your little girl and I think that if your heart needs her there with you, it's something you should do. I think travellingwilbury's suggestion of bringing her home for a couple of hours might be a compromise? Sending you love and best wishes and I hope you are able to find agreement on this one as it's the last thing you need to be having to worry about at the moment.
I take it your oh is really against the idea ? Could you maybe do what we did and have her there in the morning for a few hours . I know that as much as I wanted him here the day before and over night , in reality I don't know if I could have actually coped with it . I don't want to say anything that might upset you more than you already are but it is such a shock and such an awful thing to have to see even for a little while that maybe the whole day and night before really might be too much for you .
I really feel for you and your oh , the rawness at the moment is just so awful
If bringing her home before you say goodbye to her is going to give you even the tiniest amount of comfort and ease the pain then you should do it. Listen to what your heart tells you.
Sorry, having never lost a child I can only try to understand where you are coming from.
When there is an open casket at someone's home I personally find it very difficult as I don't want to see the dead person as I feel it will distort my memories of them.
This said, I understand what you mean about it not seeming real if she isn't will you. I think though if your DP is really against it you need to talk to him about his motives- is he trying to protect you in some way or does he not want her there? If not then why not? Surely it can't be any worse that what you are going through just now?
If he is worried about other people then he needs to be thinking about you and what will ulitmately give you the most comfort. This said (and again, I can only use my dad's death as my frame of reference and I know it's not the same) sometimes having your loved one home can present its own problems.
Tiamummy I completely understand. Of course you want her there and I can also understand how you'd feel wrong about NOT having here there. You'd feel you were shutting her out because of your own discomfort when really the day is about her and she should be there in any way possible.
It's a very tough situation at a very tough time. Can she be in a quiet room so you can go and visit her and chat but your husband doesn't have to?
I think this is very hard, but I wish you all the best. I'll say a prayer for you all tonight.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There is no right or wrong when someone close to you dies. You have to do whatever comforts you. Your difficulty is that you and your husband have different ideas. Could you compromise on having her home for a short time on the day of the funeral so you get to spend some time with her and she leaves from home? I didn't have DH at home before the funeral but his ashes are buried in a tub in the garden with a plant and it comforts me to feel that he is at home, close to his family. Perhaps not for everyone but it is right for us. You must do what is right for you.
Spidermama that's exactly how it feels His view is that bringing Tia back here will make letting her go again all the harder, but that's a risk i'm prepared to take just to not feel the guilt.
Tiamummy, I've been reading your postings and would like to add my condolences as well. I can't imagine what you are going through but I know that if it was me and I wanted to have my child in the house with me I would go ahead and do it even if my dp really didn't want to as I wouldn't want to live with the regret of not doing it.
Is there any way that you could bring Tia home with the option to take her back to the funeral home if you found that you weren't able to cope or if was too upsetting.
I do feel for you and hope you can find a solution.
I would say if his only problem about it is that it will make the next day harder and lettng go harder , then if I was you I would try to persuade him otherwise . I hate to say it but nothing will make THAT day harder than it is going to be and if you are really keen on having her there then you should try again . If for no other reason than not regretting it later . What do the rest of your family think ? Is anyone thinking the same as you ? It could help to get someone else to talk to your dh .
I live in NI and a lot of people bring the body back the day before, there's still a lot of funerals held in the house here, so it's not unusual. We don't refer to it as a wake, though.
I can see yur point of view but also your DH's, so I can't really advise.
All i'm asking is to have her back here where she should be for one last time. I'm already consumed by grief, and have total dread of the day looming over us. Nothing is going to be easy, whatever we do
Do what feels right for you, but perhaps your DH feels that he cannot let her go. I have to say when my DH died earlier this year I went to see him 3 times in all, and felt that I must not go again as it was too hard to leave him, and that got worse with each time. He came home in the hearse on the way to the funeral and we placed the flowers ourselves, but seeing "him" go away again from the house was one of the worst moments of my life. This is such an individual thing and I would not presume to understand your feelings on the loss of a child, but talk to your DH and try and reach some compromise, whatever you do needs to be right for both of you as far as possible. Wishing you both strength x
SO sorry for your awful loss. While both you and your DH have valid viewpoints, I think on balance that it is probably better to have her home for at least a little while (as someone else said, maybe for an hour in the morning) than not do it and regret it.
Tiamummy I am very sorry for your loss. You are coming across as a really amazing person. Does that sound weird? I've only read a few of your posts and you've really touched me.
different situation but perhaps relevent?when my brother died if was really important for my dad to bring him home the day before the funeral and have him spend thatlast night at home - my mum was less keen. what we did was bring him home, keep the coffin sealed and have it in the back room so that those of us who wanted could spend time in there, and those who didn't want to could avoid it. the funeral directors came the next morning and took the coffin out - my mum made herself scarce, and then we met the coffin again at the church. it is very difficult but so important, that everyone does the things they need to do to make an awful situation a bit more 'right' for them. thinking of you xxx
I think i might have a word with his brother, he might be able to get him to think more about it. Him and his brother are solid and he's not an emotive guy. I can't ask either of our parents to talk to him
So sorry you and your dh are finding it hard to communicate. Grief really is such a lonely business isn't it? Even when you're grieving the same person. It's just another cruel added extra on top of your pain which you really could do without. How about talking to him with his brother there too? Would it help to take the intensity out of the one on one?
Whatever happens we're here for you Tiasmummy. Sending you lots of love. You're in my thoughts. U
Tiamummy, so sorry, I don't think there is a right/wrong way to do things, you just have to do what you think will help you. I do however realise that when you and your DH are involved that may not necessarily be the same thing. I think you need to explain to your DH what you want to happen and tell him why, I think he needs to do the same for you.
FWIW I did not have my little boy at my house ever, he died in hospital and the funeral was in an area where we did not live. What I did do though was take him a bag of clothes and wash things, toys, photos and gifts. Whilst at the FD he was in a moses basket when I visited. I bathed him, changed his nappy, dressed him, gave him a final cuddle and kiss and placed him into his casket myself. I then placed all the other items which were to go with him in the "right" places. I was not sure the FD would get things how I wanted them.
I visited him a number of times at the FD whilst my DH didn't see him after the day he had died. People need different things to grieve and you have to judge what is right for you, right for your DH and right for the family. I think the idea of having her come home for a few hours might be a good compromise however if your DH is only saying this for your beneift then make sure you let hime know exactly what would benefit you. If however he does not want her at home as he feels she is already gone then you may have to allow him that and meet him halfway. It really is so difficult and there is no correct way to do things.
DH did carry the coffin to the church and grave though and is quite proud to have done that for his son. Albeit it is something that he was not sure he would be able to do, the FD asked him if he would like to but if he broke down they would step in and carry him. I was on standby to step in regardless of how heavy he was and how recently after an emergency section as if DH couldn't do it by god I was going to do it. In the end he did manage it though. It isn't for everybody though.
We only had immediate family there, me, DH my Nana, Mum & Sister, FIL, SIL, BIL and his sister his brother was still in special care so I will deal with the guilt of him not atending in the future I think. After we went to FILs house for a cuppa and a snack. We didn't have a traditional wake/celebration of his life as it was so short there wasn't much to celebrate and only DH and I had met him.
Just try to do what you feel is right and hopefully you will get there together. Much love CM
Charliemouse i'm seeing her each day if i can, my husband has been a couple of times with me. For me, right now it's a comfort, where for him it's pure pain. When i go i just sit with her and stroke her face, and talk to her. Tears are coming agin now, so that's enough for now.
Hi Tiamummy, I remember you from the bereaved muummy thread.
I will tell you my experience, and this may help you come to a decision.
My darling boy was at home until the funeral. Being able to talk/kiss/touch him as and when I wanted to helped saying goodbye on the day of his funeral a little bit easier.
DH and I placed Cole in his coffin and put all the things we wanted to go with him in there, including a note telling him how much we loved him. Dh also carried the coffin to the graveside and later filled in the earth. These were the last things we could do for our little man, and they helped us. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter what others opinions are, you have to do whatever you need to do to get you through this.
Family and friends came to see Cole while he was laid to rest at home, but we did not have any sort of get together afterwards. The thought of making small talk with a room full of people horrified me. But you have to do what you want to do, I can't stress that enough.
I'm so sorry you and your dh are pulling in different directions at the moment. My advice is talk, talk, talk. No matter how hard it is, you need to let eachother know exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking.
Be kind to each other and do whatever you need to do to get through this difficult time.
It was a week & half between when Toby was born & was buried (they did the PM etc), we went to see him often during that time. We also brought him home the night before the funeral & took him to the cemetery the next morning. It felt like the most natural thing to do and the night he was at home with us I felt incredibly peaceful - it felt totally right. I have an 8yo daughter as well & think it was very helpful in her grieving process.
Thank you for sharing your stories with me. It's Tias funeral next Wednesday, which is why i want this decided asap. I need to soak up as much of her as i can between now and then
Hi Tiamummy, I have read your other post and I am so so sorry for your loss.
I have been to only 2 funerals in my life - Both Grandparents and both had wakes at their house with food afterwards. It was a chance for everyone to be together and remember who we had lost. On both occasions we remembered the funny things they did and even laughed. It helped us all so much and helped us to remember them x
If your husband isnt so sure maybe you could just invite very close family. You have to do what is right for you with regards to bringing your little girl home.
No wonder I havent been able to get you out of my mind Tiasmummy - this is a big decision and as you said earlier on this thread you need to try and get it sorted asap.
I didn't have either of my boys at home - wasn't allowed with Matt because his injuries were so severe. One post on this thread said 'what about having Tia home for a few hours before the funeral' In my opinion that sounded like a wonderful compromise.
Oh my darling I wish I was with you right now to hold you tight and try to reassure you that everything will get better....its a long road that I regularly fall off BUT this will all soften as the years go by. Tia is a lucky, lucky girl to have a mummy and daddy who love her so much.
This is going to sound really really awful but I cant remember what we got for Gareth. The only thing I can remember is that the Funeral director asked could we find him a tiny hat because of the postmortem. Once I heard that my mind switched off because I simply could not contemplate the post mortem. My mum and dad, I think, bought him a little white velvety babygro.
Matt had his favourite Harlequins rugby top on and he had wanted some bright orange adidas trainers for so long. I hadnt been able to afford them and they were two sizes too big for him anyway. BUT he got his wish for his orange 'grown up lads' trainers.
You know that you can dress your little one however you want to - she is your little girl and always will be.
Please dont be afraid to ask me questions or apologise for asking them. You have been on my mind for many days and I will help in any way I can xxx
tiamummy so sorry you even find yourself in this dreadful position
i attended a "do" for friends who's lo died and we had food,looked at pictures, shared memories of lo.had a cry and all acknowledged how difficult it was
actually quite cathartic and the acknowledegement of loss was helpful
so often people encourage not talking about bereavement
mark this sad event as you wish call it what you want
ilovemydog i personally need to have her back here where she belongs, so i can be with her here and be able to soak her up before we let her go again. I need to have her close again
I have been thinking about you a lot recently. I have been there and know the pain
I was worried when you disappeared from the bereaved mummies thread.. glad you are still posting
I really couldnt have had Fraser in the house... dont ask me to explain.. I just couldnt do it !!!
We had a service in the house, Fraser was in the drive in the funeral car.
We had pickedan outfit for Fraser to come home in before we lost him. We decided to dress him in this before we left the hospital and then we just told the fd.. Fraser is dressed as we want
Just found some thoughts in the latest Compassionate Friends newsletter. Written by Don Hackett who is from South Australia.
'I confess, with both sorrow and gladness that I can no longer summon the full measure of those savage feelings and the unremitting pain that engulfed me in those early years. Working through them was the most demanding challenges of my life, enacting tolls in physical health perhaps even greater than the long term effects on mind and emotion.
Today, however, I can reflect with gratitude upon a decade of mastery over the sadness. Control of my thoughts has returned to me and I know freedom from the utter devestation of those early years.
I have learnt to communicate with my spouse, and friends when my love for them was shrouded behind the totality of my grief.
Is this not our goal, to heal, to find the strength to love both yesterday and today? Our children have been the richest part of our lives and today should reflect the grace of that love in all that we are today.'
I'm trying to do ok, failing miserably though. We actually came to a mutual decision lastnight after a lot of tears. We're going to have her here for a couple of hours before the service. My dad, at the moment, is going to carry her through the church because neither of us feel able to do that. I still don;t know what she'll wear though
When my dad died (in Ireland) we had a 'wake' in the local pub. They laid on soup and sarnies and we all had a good chat about my dad. They also have a lovely tradition where the men from his side of the village dug his grave and then while we were in the pub they filled it in. It was lovely.
So glad you and your DH have talked. Think that your decision to have your little girl home for a couple of hours is a perfect idea. I will be thinking about you all on the day. I know my Matt and Gareth will greet your little girl - I can imagine them showing her round everywhere and asking her about her mummy and daddy. I realise that a lot of people would think that last sentance was 'barking mad' but I know there has to be something after this life.
I can only speak from my heart and from my own experiences of losing someone very close to me (my Dad) but if it were either one of my children that I had lost I would definitely want to spend some time with them before the funeral.
I went to visit my Dad in the Chapel of Rest just a few days before the funeral. It was hard because he had changed so much. He looked so different and I personally found it very hard to believe it was my Dad. But going to spend some time with him gave me the chance to talk to him, tell him how much I love him and how grateful I was that he was my Dad.
Having a wake after the funeral gave us all the chance to talk about him with all his friends and relatives. There were no tears and we all remembered him and smiled which is exactly what he would've wanted.
Losing a child must be so incredibly hard for you and you have to follow your heart. If you want to have your lovely little girl at home before the funeral then do it. If you want to have a wake afterwards then do it. Don't listen to anyone else and their opinions...you follow yours, she was your special little girl after all.
Hi Tiasmum. How are you this evening? I see you've been struggling with the decisions you had to make, but am so glad you and dh have decided to have Toa at home with you for a few hours. I never even knew this was something we could have done with Eris
I also see that you are thinking about what Tia should wear. I haven't read all the messages so may have missed something but just thought I'd tell you about what we did for eris. Basically, we went to a little boutique and bought Eris an outfit similar in a way to buying for a Christening. My feelings were that we'd never get to buy her pretty things agin so we bought a real girlie long, pink dress with little angel-wing like capped sleeves, and a pretty bonnet and a beautiful soft pink shawl. Even a pretty pair of girlie socks. I took photos of everything we bought for her to wear to go in her memory box. Thinking back on it now, I actually think it was quite important for us to make those choices together, to do something for our daughter together.
She also went with lots of mementoes from all of us - a photo of me, dp, dd1, ds and Eris together, plus a photo each of Eris with me and dp. She had a picture dd1 did, a letter from me, a teddy from each set of grandparents and a musical horse from us. Oh, and a blanket ds had made for her when I was pregnant.
Lots of love to you and dh. I know you've got a tough few days ahead, and we'll all be thinking about you. x
I remember how I didn't want to do those arrangements either my love.
FMNow is a lovley lady - she was the one who started our thread off - I liked her description of the clothes that she dressed Eris in.....all girly and pink. I have had four boys so no pink in our house!!
Dont forget that you can have anything you want at a funeral - any music, any poems, anything. I think you have to run it by the vicar first but it is yours and your husbands personal choice.
Keep posting my love.....we are all thinking about you.........xxx
You are right my love - you shouldn't be doing this - you should be at home with your new baby and holding her. I dont know why all this crap happens....I doubt I ever will. The only positive thing I can say is that making these arrangements and doing everything the way you want to do it is another show of the great love you have for your daughter. Write down anything you want to ask because I kept forgetting important things all the time. I wish I knew 'why' and 'how come' and 'what the hell is all this about' but I dont.
If there is anything, anything at all that I can do please dont hesitate to ask. sharon.hillman@ntlworld.com
We've been told it can take up to a year before we will be able to erect a headstone. Is this right and do you know why. Sorry, it's just this has been bothering me
And readings, did you have any readings because neither of us have a clue about those but we've chosen a few poems to be read. Gosh i'm in tears now, it's all getting too close and i'm scared of it all happening
I think it is something to do with the ground settling if that makes any sense at all. We had to wait 6 months. I will check with my mum tomorrow and let you know properly. Sending you massive hugs my darling xxxxxxxxx
Poems are just as good as biblical readings...in fact I think they are better. We had 'Lord of the dance' for Matts funeral because he used to sing 'I am the lord of Gods settee!!'
You can do whatever you want to do - it is your little girl. xxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Tia's Mummy. We were told 6 months. Our DS died in June and we have recently ordered his headstone which will hopefully be up at Chrsitmas. You are so much in my thoughts. xxx
Hi Shabs. I know it's just awful knowing someone else is having to go through this. I dreaded having to say goodbye to him at the funeral directors knowing it would be the last time I'd see him. I think that was the hardest. Having absolutley dreaded the funeral it wasn't as bad as I expected. It probably sounds daft but as we walked into the church I suddenly got this feeling of inner strength as though he was there holding my hand which helped me get through it. Also we were allowed to carry the coffin ourselves and we lowered him into the ground ourselves and in some strange way these little acts really helped.
You really expressed my own feelings in your post Lighthouse. My Matts funeral was (and this will sound crazy) such a wonderful day. Gareths funeral was quiet but simply beautiful. When we lost Matt he was in the infant school and we were running several football teams etc etc so we had a lot of contacts. There were hundreds of people in the church and it was so uplifting.
Everybody sang so loudly and the school he went to closed for the day and all the children attended. It was just beautiful. OMG here come the tears again.
Thanks my love and right back at you!!! xxxxxxxxxxxx
Can hear Matt singing now, he had a really weird speech thing where he couldn't say certain letters. He would sing 'Dance den whereva you may be, Iam the Lord of gods Settee and I'll weed you on wewevew you may be and I'll weed you on to Gods settee'
Hi Tiamummy i think we were told a few months due to the earth settling. I have yet to sort out the headstone though as it seems so final. I know it is not for everyone but I took no photos of B after he died until I had popped him into his casket when I felt I should have a record of this. I took a couple of photos on my mums phone and it is only recently I have been able to look at them.
Just for information really Bs plot is one we can all go into in the future so it needed to be dug for the size of an adult with a little extra space dug out at the bottom. I remember being surprised by this at the time I saw it even though it makes perfect sense. Also there was a ladder and a chap had to climb in and be handed the casket for positioning as obviously is was quite small and it was a big hole. I remember giggling at the time as it seemed so odd/surreal.
Re the funeral we had a small service by the vicar and no singing as we felt we wouldn't be able to and there were so few of us. We did however choose music/songs to be played as we walked in and out of church.
I am thinking of you and you and your family are in my prayers. Much love CM x
Awwww charley - my mum and dad have a grave plot next door to my grandads grave and they gave it to us. You are right, they have to dig a plot to fit an adult. In ours there is a tiny white coffin and a bigger light pine one. Not sure what this life is all about...not sure at all. Even after all these years I have times when I struggle and am sick of 'coping' with it all xxx
Don't worry Tiamummy tis not you fault and you didn't want join our club did you. As much as you ladies are lovely I would rather have not met you all this way.
Dont worry Tiasmummy - what has happened to each one of us never leaves our minds - its good to think about our lovley children. We are all in the same boat - its a crap boat and I wish we weren't in it - BUT WE ARE - and if we all stick together we can help each other
Tiasmummy - I'm glad you found the bereaved mums thread.
You say you don't know what to dress her in. Have you got any pictures of her in a particular outfit taken before she passed away? Maybe that would be a suitable outfit. Or you could get someone to pick a new outfit from the shops, like a pretty dress. Little girls love dresses. I'm sure she will look beautiful whatever you choose to do.
How you doing today ? I am glad you took on the suggestion of having Tia home for a few hours on the day . it did help me to have him leave from here rather than the fd .
FWIW we dressed Harry in a Tigger outfit . I know it sounds daft but he loved the outfit and it was the only thing we would dress him in that he would be excited about . Normally he wasn't bothered either way what he wore but he loved that . He loved Tiger and I am glad he wore it .
All these decisions you are making at the moment are so surreal aren't they ? We had 2 wks before we could have the funeral because of the pm and even now I can't quite believe I sat and had conversations with people about music and flowers and who was going to read what . I think it takes a long time for your head to actually really catch up with what has happened . I don't know if you would want to do this but I asked my vicar if he would tape (just audio) the service . I was really worried about being in to much of a state and not remember what was said or what happened . He was fine with it and apparently its not that unusual . I think I have listened to it once in nearly 7 yrs but I am comforted by having it
Anyway I am waffling so will go but I just wanted you to know I am here thinking of you xx
Tiamummy - there is no right and no wrong - there are only the decisions that you make as you go along and you do the best you can.
I was in hospital myself for routine surgery when my little girl died. I was only able to see her the day of the funeral itself. After the funeral we had pink champagne and those pink champagne biscuits in a house full of pink balloons to celebrate her life - I was completely out of it all and remember v little, but we could not just let her go without saying goodbye.
She died last year and I remember so well feeling as you must do now. I am so sorry to hear how hard things are for you and your husband. He is suffering too, but we all suffer our own private grief, however close the couple, and the situation is impossible - but you will get through it, day by day.
I think I left you my msn on another thread, if you wish to talk or to email me:
as it seemed so odd/surreal.
