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Following on from another thread, and not wishing to hijack; the five stages of grief are, supposedly:
denial anger bargaining depression acceptance.
They don't necessarily go in that order, and you won't necessarily experience them all, but apparently most people with experience at least two.
My mother died four months ago. I've never been at all angry. I don't think I'm depressed. I certainly haven't accepted it.
What I do seem to be doing is a mixture of denial and bargaining, which is slightly bizarre given that she's long gone. My unconscious mind is constantly burbling something like 'well, you never know what the consultant might say at the next appointment; you never know whether a new drug might become available and change everything.' It's weird (I'm usually pretty rational and literal).
She was ill for a loooong time and defied her prognosis many times over, so I think I got used to this sort of Pollyanna thinking.
The thing is, I don't really want to stop thinking like this. I don't want to accept it.
Acceptance, mostly, with dd1, I think - 3.5 years ago. But her due date was 27 Oct, so I feel funny about that, and this year's loss has brought up feelings I thought were gone. I did anger instantly, and the rage was huge and surprising. Don't think I did much in the way of denial and bargaining, but anger I did in spades. I did decide that the only way to deal with it was to accept how I felt, to not try to make it change. It was my grief, no-one elses. As is yours, pw. Man, it's a strange business, though, isn't it?
Yes. It's not at all as I thought it would be. Mostly I'm surprised at how easily I've carried on with things, but every now and again it leaps up and stabs you. I agree that you can't try to force a change. I suppose my underlying worry is that I might be a bit 'stuck' - but then four months isn't long I suppose.
I'm glad you've come to some sort of accomodation with it, habs.
Four months is nothing, really. I don't think I'd thought much about it before dd1, but I think probably I pictured sitting in the house and crying a lot. And I did that, but I also went out, and did shopping, and watched TV, and made dinner and stuff, which surprised me at the time. Actually, we did a kind of deliberate denial when we got dd1's prognosis - came home, decided we couldn't cope with the information, went out and spent £200 on comedy DVDs. Would never in a million years have imagined that, but it was absolutely what we needed to do.
One book I read on bereavement said that you can go in and out of those stages for a long time - bargaining one day, angry a few days later etc.
My mum died 11 months ago and I have been through all those stages apart from the bargaining I think. The most dominant was (and is) anger as it was not a "natural" death but a RTA which was the other driver's fault. He is still awaiting trial for death by dangerous driving so until that has happened (next year) I don't think I will be able to "move on".
Actually I don't think I'll ever really move on. Like you, I don't really want to accept it. It was not her time to go. Another thing I read in a book was that you can feel if you accept it, you are "forgetting' the person who died, which isn't true of course.
Also, I believe there is a stage of shock, especially in cases of sudden death, which I was probably in for the first couple of months.
Despite what I have written I am much closer to acceptance now than I was even a month or two ago.
I think there is no way that the grieving process can be completely quantified really.I remember studying Kubler -Ross oh so many moons ago and thinking it seemed very compartmentalised and "tidy" IYKWIM,and humans aren't like that are they?.Even though she states you can go through some/all stages in vasrious orders.
I am lucky enough never to have lost a close relative but think that I went through(and am still going through) a kind of grieving from finding out one of my children has a neurological problem and will need lifelong care.It flits between depression to bouts of anger.Some days I think I've accepted it and something happens to set me off again......
Anyway thats not nearly as final as somebody dying is it?So I'll stop waffling,but I think four months is still very early days when you have lost someone you had a very close bond to.I remember talking to a bereavement counsellor who talked about "abnormal grief" being when people got stuck in the same pattern of grieving and never moved on to reach (eek I hate this term) "closure".They didn't put any kind of "time limit" on grieving though.
WSS, how awful about your mum. I can quite see how it must be difficult to move on until the trial. One of the sites I looked at when I was writing the OP said that in the case of sudden deaths like your mother's, the grieving process can take longer.
Yes, I think I too instinctively think that acceptance means forgetting, or perhaps a downgrading of that person's importance to you. I know that this is irrational.
Thank you for your post and for the info, Fanjo (I do like your name BTW). I agree that the 'five stages' system seems suspicious neat - did she have much empirical evidence for it?
I'm sure it's quite valid to think of the process of coming to terms with your child's diagnosis in the same way as grief - you're still mourning the loss of something (an independent future for her, maybe?)
Now - accept the reality, don't like it, one little bit.
I had some major therapy after the event, I had post-traumatic thingy (Mum had lost the plot, my older sister who always was the leader was abroad and uncontactable, my remaining siblings could not cope so I had to HAD to take charge on his last day) because I was too busy dealing with the shit and fallout from it to allow myself to cry.
Angry - yes, a lot of that
Guilt too - I believe his illness and subsequent death was caused by me - a bit dramatic to an outsider but it's my reality.
I lost my mum 17 months ago and think I'm still sometimes in denial. I still think she's in her house and I can picture her doing what she did there. And then it is like a slap when I realise she's not there and the house is sold and I'll never be able to go back there. I remember stuff she had/I'd kept there and think I must go back and get it and then remember it's gone.
Mostly I am at the acceptance stage but recently I do think I've entered a period of depression.
Gosh, what sad stories. I'm going to have to crack out the face, much as I find it inadequate.
Very sorry to hear about your dad's death, BALD. It sounds like a horrible situation.
Tinker, that rang a real bell with me. I find that I'm avoiding my parents' house (where my dad still lives) like mad. When dad comes over to me it's one thing, but whenever I go over there her absence is like a slap, and I always have to make an excuse and lock myself in the toilet for five minutes as soon as I get there (don't like to bawl all over Dad as he's as finely balanced as I am at the mo).
I did read somewhere that the "five stages" thing was actually written about people who have terminal illness - so the person who is dying going through denial, bargaining etc. But it has somehow become a kind of template for the people grieving after the death.
I think it is only troublesome if someone feels they "ought" to be going through bargaining and they're still at the anger stage or whatever. You just have to realise you may go through the stages in a different order, or go between stages, or be in several stages at once!
Yes, I believe it is much harder when it's a sudden, unexpected death (though not meaning to make light of anyone else's experience by saying that). My dad died the year before my mum and it was much much much easier to come to terms with (though still awful) as he had been ill for a while. I just felt he had come to the end of his natural life and she hadn't.
BALD I did dream of my mum quite soon after she died. It was pretty awful as in the dream she was telling me she had cancer and I was happy, because it meant I had some more time with her.
Then when I woke up I felt horribly guilty because I had been happy she had a horrible terminal illness (even if only in a dream). I think the dream was my brain trying to come to terms with her death but it still made me feel awful.
Yes, WSS, it has probably been misrepresented. I suppose it's a seductive idea - grief is just so messy and crap, it's nice to think that it can be divided up into little stages, or that it's a 'journey' through which we all progress in an orderly fashion.
BALD - I haven't deamed about my mother yet - I think I'm deliberately suppressing it. It's something that I dread, actually. Waking up must be terrible.
Interesting about the five stages. After the initial shock of the first few days I was horrified at how normal I felt after my mum died. Felt really disturbed and disappointed that I felt "normal" and "over it". Felt like I couldn't have loved my mum properly. So, in a way, I feel reassured when I feel crap or tearful now.
I lost both of parents in sudden unexpected deaths. Have friend who has lost one parent after a long illness and is nursing her other parent through similar. There isn't a "better" way really is there?
Yes I think how you grieve is different for everyone depending on so many different factors - your relationship with the person who died, your support network, how they died etc. Will be different for every person.
I got all this stuff from books btw. I've read a lot of bereavement books. Quite a relief to get back to some nice chirpy novels after a while.
It is good to get it out, BALD, I think. I can't do it with DP really because he's terrified. And I can't do it with my dad because I'll make him cry. And I don't like to do it with RL friends, because who wants to sit in a soft play area/pub/swimming pool covered in snot and tears? This sort of thing is made for the internet.
Tinker, my suspicion is that sudden deaths are worse for the bereaved. When my mother was diagnosed, she was given six weeks to live and I've never felt as bad as I felt then; the pure shock and revulsion was unbearable. Then, marvellously, she survived for five and a half years. I'm sure it made it a tiny bit easier for all of us just to have that time to begin to conceptualise what a world without her might be like, rather than being pitched head-first into it.
Agree that this sort of thing is made for the internet. I hardly ever talk to real people about this stuff; I just can't, don't know how to begin. Not even sure I want to.
Do you have siblings, PW? I found the only people who really understood what I was going through were my brother and sisters as they, of course, were going through the same thing.
My DH doesn't quite get how deeply it has affected me. Same with friends - some of them have grandparents alive and I can see that the concept of losing parents is still totally unimaginable to them. Fair enough, I would prob have been the same a few years ago.
I have a brother WSS, but he's on extremely strong medication that seems to be 'blocking' his emotions almost completely. Mind you, I haven't actually tried to sit down and talk to him.
I know what you mean about friends with grandparents and so on. As you say, a few years ago I would have found it impossible to imagine as well.
my dad died nearly 2 years ago and although I have reached acceptance on certain levels, I still feel terribly sad on some days
I miss him and feel very sad that he couldn't share a retirement with my mum (he was just 64 when he died, the age my mum is now) - both of them so deserved to chill with each other after all their years of hard work and the brilliant job they did of bringing up me and my sister.
My depresion (as opposed to sadness) was pretty acute, and combined with other events, leaving me anxious and unable to cope with even normal things. I took a month off work and slowly things got back to normal.
I think losing anyone you're close to is incredibly hard to deal with
I feel like that about the retirement aspect too, bundle. Mam was 65 when she died and Dad is 70. They both love/d travelling and had planned to spend many happy months in various spots around the Med when they retired. Now my poor Dad is agonising about whether he can bear to go on holiday on his own.
mum went to the Italian lakes on her own this summer, friends offered to go with her but she was determined to go by herself and it was successful. She finished work last christmas so she could come and visit me or my sister whenever she wants. She does have some fab friends at her old work though.
Could your dad go on something like an explore holiday - where you do a bit of walking and meet other single people ?
I just reckon to loose a dearly loved one...its the absolute pits. We flounder around, so sad, not knowing what to say or how to act. Ive lost 2 of my 4 sons, grandparents, FIL, BIL etc etc.
Nothing makes any sense...just nothing. I miss my sons so much that it makes me physically and mentally sick
I like the post about the five stages of grief helping us to 'tidy' our grieving. It is messy and painful and disgusting, and we sometimes like to know there's an easy path through it. Although, of course, there isn't.
My little brother (24) was killed in a hit and run four months ago. I'm definitely angry. I can't see myself ever not being angry! I don't want to stop being angry! I've tried to envision myself forgiving the driver (he was later found and arrested), but the thought of it just makes me more angry. Strangely, I find comfort in my anger, as if letting go of it would be letting go of the circumstances, and thus letting go of my brother. Weird.
I think I'm also still in denial/shock. We keep hearing, periodically, new bits of info about the accident, which just serve to push us back to the horror of the first weeks when the realisation of what happened was working its way around our minds. I sometimes still look for him when I'm out walking, or think of things I'll ask or tell him, only to realise he's not here to ask or tell. It is like a slap.
Four months is not a long time. But just when you're grieving, it feels like a lifetime. In a way it is - the 'before' life and the 'after' life.
So sorry to hear of all your losses. And thank you for sharing on here. Sadly, we're all part of a club that we never asked to join.
Evansmummy I remember you posting about your brother at the time of the accident. Hope you're doing OK, or as well as cam be expected. That sounds trite but Ican't think of how else to put it.
I know what you mean about before and after - I almost unconsciously divide every memory in my life now into before and after the car crash. It's changed who I am.
I think I've settled into denial. My brother died 17 months ago by suicide, it was a complete shock although he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I've been angry and depressed (still take ad's) but for a long time now I just don't talk or think about him- as soon as he comes into my head I block it out otherwise I cry (like now). It's horrible because I feel so guilty for doing this but I just can't bear to face it.
I'm not 100% convinced about the 5 stages, if I'm honest. I think that people oscillate between them at different times , when under different pressures.
Mostly I'm stuck in 'Tired and exhausted'
I think that I am accepting, but it doesn't mean that I don't have flashes of anger. I'm not depressed, I am often sad, but there is a difference
mmh... like mb I think that it's not been that clear-cut for me. My mum died 10 months ago, I did go through a very angry phase, directed at the doctors who had treated my mum. It was justified anger though so not sure it counts?!
And I enjoy a spot of denial at times - I imagine that she's just about to visit me and I picture her walking down my drive in just a few minutes time, and it can feel so real...
I did go through the depression phase in the early months - everything felt bleak and I felt like I had a record stuck on 'mum is dead' in my head, but it's ok again now. I miss her terribly though. Can't imagine ever moving on from that because it all seems so bloody unfair. I moved on from my beloved granddad's death because he was an old man and had had a long, rich life. My mum was robbed.
My Dad died a year ago yesterday - I thought I was moving into acceptance, but I've had lots of vivid dreams and tears again this last week. He brought me up on his own and I miss him so much.
What an interesting thread. I agree that the whole five stages idea is quite a seductive one, to reassure us that there is some shape imposable on the awful mess that is grieving, but that it's also inevitably not enough to contain everything that grief is.
My mum killed herself when I was 14, so nearly 20 years ago; it was very sudden, between one day and the next she was wiped out of existence. I am largely at 'acceptance' with this, although recently have begun to experience 'anger' for the first time.
Things are very different where my brother is concerned...anyway, am being chivvied out to the park so will return later.
BALD (unfortunate acronym!), lost my dad 17 years ago today and still have the dreams but know exactly what you mean about the comfort of hearing his voice again.
Don't think I really grieved at the time cos of having to be the strong one for everyone else but it really hit home a year later when I lost my first child mid-term (on my dad's birthday).
Once read a brilliant article by Nigella Lawson about her grief after losing her mother, sister and husband - she was talking about how difficult it is to accept the passage of time after their death. In some ways it gets harder - "x years since we did so and so". My dad never knew my daughters and I think that's a great loss for all of them .
My mum died a year ago at the end of this month. I am certainly not at acceptance unfortunately. I miss her so much. The last 3 years of her life were bad for her and the last 3 weeks absolute hell, but even though I know how much she was suffering I still so wish she was still here (but well iykwim). I have been getting very upset recently - most likely with the anniversary of her death coming up but I still feel the anger as well. It's like, well surely there must have been something the doctors could have done (even though there probably wasn't) and I should have done more, I should have made it alright (and the anger and frustration that I couldn't).
I know bundle - I dissolved into heaps of tears staring at raspberry jelly in the supermarket not too long ago (that was all she was eating in hospital at one point so I was buying it a lot).
it was 22 months ago since my grandson died ,yes ive lost grandparents ,but nothing hurts like this,when he first went it was nothing but police,coroners and such i didnt sleep and when i did i remember waking up and could believe hed just died. how the hell canyou go to sleep in daddys arms and never wake up again, i still feel angry why thhe hell us,why . even now i find it hard to accept ill never realy see him again till i go other side ,i have a video on my mobile and hes talking away to us but thats as near as ill ever get.
Anniversaries are grim but one year it comes round and surprises you and I remember that being a really good feeling when it finally comes. It means you've finally reached that acceptance stage, NB NOT the same as forgetting. It should be a good feeling when you realise you've got past the anniversary pain free. It's good to remember but not to be in pain. I hope that's something positive for people to look forward to.
I wish I'd had more information about the different stages of grief - or had at least been told about them. It helps to name feelings and to understand what's going on. Good thread policywonk.
I think everyone follows the same path but at a different time scale and not necessarily going tidily from one to the other. It can go back. I have had 2 major bereavements, my husband and father. In both cases it took about 14 yrs to fully get there. It is difficult to explain, I don't mean that I was grieving for 14 years but that was the first time that I got to the anniversary and didn't realise the date until the end of the day. My DH died in an accident and so I always said that he was killed, the distinction was important to me, but I can now just say that he died. I still sometimes dream about both.
interesting subject, I tell you what I do know, there are no shortcuts or quick fixes in grief, you just have to wade throu it really, mostly I feel stunned and deep sadness thou the -- wanker-- bloke at the bank is helping me to find anger. I think the stages are vaugely right, I probably did most of the stages whilst Steve was ill but am doing some again, do you think drinking to excess comes under denial? Sorry to see other people having to deal with this stuff thou it is strangly comforting to know I am "normal"
yes, some really bizarre little things just come and grip you - for me it was Waitrose doing half price fresh figs now - so figs are in season again. A year ago I'd always take some figs to eat for breakfast on the plane whenever I was going to see my mum. I saw those bloody figs in the shop and could have cried.
I think we brace ourselves for the big stuff but the other stuff sneaks up on us and knocks us over, I call it grief by stealth, well I call it lots of other things too.
I still sometimes think "oh, I'll ring dad" only for a split second though and then realise I can't. Bundle, I didn't realise your dad had died so recently, I am sorry, and for everyone on this thread who's lost someone they loved. I do think it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I think that ,unelss god forbid, something happens to my dc, I will never feel pain like that ever again.
In an odd way it is comforting.
and because the time of his death was so awful, the dreaful time now isn't so bad. It couldn't possibly be as bad as that. Nothing in my life (other than harm to my children) ever could be.
No one has mentioned the "searching" part of grief. Going through old photos etc.
I remember just after my mum died looking and searching for her everywhere. Just looking and looking at the sky and in the garden wondering where she had gone to.
Still think about ringing her, or visiting her 2 1/2 years after she has gone. Drove past her house the other day, and there was a Dyson in the window, and I was thinking ".but Mum hasn't got a Dyson...."
fizzbuzz, I still do that sometimes, I look for mentions of him, I google photos of places he lived, and things that remind me of him. I only have about 3 photos, my sister has all the rest as we did a photo montage at his dying party (he died 4 days later but at least managed a party to say goodbye to everyone) and she ended up taking them home. I think if he were here he'd say I don't need photos, all the memories are inside me.
I think at 'least' with a parent it is the natural order of things to survive your parents, with a husband or child it isn't. All are awful though, grief is.
Yes still think about ringing her but not as much as I did. Whenever I came in from anywhere I always thought there was something I should be doing - it was ringing my Mum to see if she was ok . Still do it a bit. Also driving past her house (was my house for 20 years) and not believing I will never need to go in again.
I agree with what MB and OJ have said. You know the big things like anniversaries and birthdays are coming and, grim as they are, you're prepared. It's the way something comes out of the blue that gets me. Like today I took the DSs out for the day. I sat with a coffee while they played in a soft play are and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that every other time we'd done that, I'd texted DH while I had my coffee. I had an overwhelming urge to text him and was utterly devastated to know I could never do that. Then, just now I've been listening to the radio while doing my ironing and they played 'Your My Best Friend' by Queen which is the song I chose to play for him at his funeral. Again, it got to me.
I think I'm far more accepting even at this early stage (just over a month since he died) because I started grieving on the day he was diagnosed. We knew he had no chance of making it and went through all the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, etc over the past 18 months. The big thing for me at the moment is overwhelming regret for all the things he didn't get to do or see. Every time the boys and I do something or go somewhere, it breaks my heart to know that DH didn't get to do it or see it with us.
Angry and depressed right now. My mother died last month and I still have times when I think 'I'll tell her that when I call her...' and at the same time, as a single child, I have to deal with all the paperwork of it, and that's grim. Good luck, xx
The Maddest place that I have been 'caught out' was in the Orbital Milking Parlour in DairyLand, while we were on holidays. This is a farm with lots of indoor play stuff, and we were there on a rainy day.
they have a huge orbital milking parlour, and we were watching the cows walking round, being milked.
And then, for god alone knows what reason, the 'backing music' was 'I vow to thee my country', which we sang at DHs funeral.
Music is the worst thing for getting to you, isn't it? Poor DS2 burst into tears during Harvest Festival assembly when they played 'All Things Bright and Beautiful'. I don't think the song meant anything special, it just set him off.
Oh god yes music. The amount of times I am driving home from somewhere and a song will set me off crying again. The neighbours must fear for my sanity as I am always sniffling when I come in!
WDWGFH - I do feel for you. The one thing that made me cross with my Dad after his death last year was asking me to do the probate work without paying a solicitor. If I'd known how upsetting all the bureaucracy (sp?) was I would have just paid. Good luck with it - it's very hard, I think.
BodenGroupie - the passage of time is so bizarre. I've lived longer without my mum than with her in my life. I can't even really remember what it was like to have a mum, and in a way that makes me feel like she doesn't or didn't exist.
MartianBishop, re. the comfort of knowing you've felt the worst. Definitely recognise that - it's one of the things that makes my brother's death so completely unbearable for me. Stupidly I felt 'protected' by having lost my mum in such a traumatic manner - I thought the worst had come and gone, and we'd got through it. To have my brother, the dearest person in the world to me, tortured and killed by a disease that has no explanation just feels like the cruellest punishment for something I don't even know about.
This is why I'm nowhere near acceptance with him, and why like policywonk I almost don't want to reach it. I don't want to accept that he's gone - why should I? I don't want to be serene, I'm fucking angry. The night my mum died I knew something was happening and I spent the whole night repeating to myself 'please don't let something have happened to mum or Simon...but if it has, please please don't let it be Simon'. That was a rich vein of guilt for at least a decade after her death, that I had put one above the other. And then he was taken from me anyway, in the most painful and degrading manner. What is there to accept?
But there is nowhere to direct my anger to. I am finally angry at mum for killing herself, after being serene and accepting for years; she made that choice for all of us. But there's no human agency in Simon's death, just cells that have no mind, just biology. So all my anger goes nowhere, it just builds up and poisons me.
I thought I was doing well and was on the road to acceptance (DS2 was stillborn at 36 weeks) until I recently miscarried at 14 weeks.
Feels like I'm right back at anger. I feel angry with the whole world. Mostly myself though. I could have saved them. Even if medically I couldn't I feel like I should have been able to! Mummy's are meant to take care of their babies.
Been 3 months since Mum died. Have been through acceptance and Deppression stages. I still experience the anger. NOT at Mum, at the fucking cancer. I miss her a lot.
I find the run-up to Christmas really difficult. My exh (father of my dd) committed suicide 4 years ago in December and my dad died the following December. My ex's suicide came a month before ds (by my second husband) was born. So I had a new baby, a distraught six year old and a dying dad. I've been stuck in the angry phase for 4 years and have just started counselling. (In that same horrible year my MIL also died and the following year my younger BIL) I thinks it's driven me a bit mad, tbh.
After 5 years and I still try and get through most days, telling myself my mum is on holiday, visiting family, and thats why i hav'ent seen her, still pick up the phone to tell her things, still buy little things for her that she would have liked, the only reason people think I am dealing with it / getting over it, is because I don't talk about her anymore/as much, but luckly you's lot dont count - you know waht I mean
mum died 10wks ago, a week before dd3 was born. I spent the last few wks of my pregnancy in the hospice watching her go. Two days before dd3 was born, I buried my mum, she was only 69. I haven't been home since and I've been so busy with the 3 girls, who are 5,2 and 9wks that I worry its all going to hit m at some point.
Wheredowegofromhere - my mum told me once that even years after her mum had died she would still think of things to tell her, then realise she couldn't.
Dizzywitches - my mum died a week after my dd was born - it's meant to be such a happy time and it just becomes overtaken by grief.
It is so sad reading all these posts, but comforting, in a horrid sort of way, to know that other's are going through it. Often you feel so lonely in RL going through grief, and so it is helpful to come and read other people sharing their emotions. So, thank you.
WSS - I'm not doing ok, really, but then you know that! I have a 'I'm fine, thank you' attitude with most of the people around me, cos I just can't be bothered to go into the ins and outs of how I really feel with every person who asks me. And then who really wants to hear that I'm awful, I hate this, it gets harder and harder etc etc etc. I sometimes even get bored of myself...
I seem to be going into depression. Work has been dreadful the last week or so. I've just wanted to crawl into my bed and stay there in the dark all day. I crave Wednesday-Sunday nights so I know I can get drunk(so know where you're at oj!), and I find it so hard communicating with anyone except my counsellor and my parents.
We haven't had any anniversaries yet. Had my birthday which was sad, and I'm dreadng Christmas but I guess everone's right - we'll be somehow prepared for it. What got me the most was on my first night out in 4 months, dancing in a cheesy club with a friend and The Killers Mr Brightside came on. It was the last gig I went to with my little brother. I just broke down in tears on the dancefloor . My friend had to half-carry me out. I was so not ready for it, and the shock of being so unprepared still shocks me, iykwim!!
My condolences to all those who mentioned a loss. My Mom died a few weeks ago. I have been angry depressed accepting... what are the other stages again??? mostly I find I am letting my daughter watch a lot of TV, which I don't encourage, and I don't want to turn into a BAD mummy while grieving... any ideas?
kama, I'm sorry for you. really am. Have you someone you can talk to about it?
I'm going backwards and frowards through these so called stages. Hit a big cloud of depression today. Again want to crawl into bed. Again crying at work.
I dont really recognise many of the stages listed.
My best friend died in March and to be honest I just feel sad and cry a lot.
I miss her like mad - I dont have many friends and never have so my relationship with her was very valuable to me.
I am still invovlved with her kids and her dh which really helps but I just feel incredibly sad basically all the time.
At first I rang her mobile several times a day - sometimes 10 times in a row- just to hear her voice on the answer machine.
I then managed to record it onto my phone and save it so that I will always be able to hear her - silly thing I know but it makes her alive again to me even just for a moment.
Acceptance mostly ----It will be 10 years in two weeks since our dd died.
Anger if I think about the circs too much .
Depression --once or twice a year when I am a bitch to dp all day then find myself wailing like a madwoman at bedtime and him hugging me and not having to say anything because he knows I just need to cry for 10 mins .
numum - I found that my parenting declined a great deal in the weeks after my mother died - there was a lot of benign neglect and also a lot of shouting (on my part and later on their part). I found that it passed within a couple of months - partly because I knew it would really upset her to think that I was being short-tempered with the children because of her!
I feel I haven't had time to grieve properly - life gets in the way. And I think that losing a parent who is sort of elderly anyway is not really taken seriously as a loss - I think my friends stopped asking me about it within a few months of my mum dying. And I don't really talk to my brothers - we all have such different views of our childhood. I think I have a lot of anger, especially with my dad for surviving. And he has a habit of rewriting history which I find very upsetting. He is very much 'stiff upper lip' and get on with things, so I feel as though he has hardly noticed mum isn't there (although I'm sure that can't be true, but its what comes across on the surface). I can't talk about it with him at all. I just feel very sad and miss her. For the first few months I had a lot of flashbacks to the awful time of her dying (cancer). now I think about her much less but still can't really believe that she's not there. And I am angry that I can't ask her about things and so much about my childhood will remain unclear to me. I suspect my feelings will really blow up when my dad dies. I don't know how I will make sense of it all then.
Didn't notice this was an old thread. Policywonk, I'm really sorry for your loss. Its two and a half years for me and not nearly as preoccupying now as it was. I still don't like going home though.
It's hard to restructure the relationship with the remaining parent, isn't it? My dad is fantastic, but I still find it painful to re-negotiate a relationship with him on this new basis. And I dread anything happening to him.
I agree with you about this sort of loss being perceived as not-so-bad by a lot of people.
Hmm. Its good taht you have a good relationship with your dad. In our family it rather feels as though the heart has disappeared out of it and we are left a collection of disparate individuals with little to keep us together. I think me and my brothers harbour a lot of resentment towards my dad and we all rather wish we had had more time with my mum rather than being left looking after him. I sometimes think I could do with some counselling to work it all out but don't really know where I would start to find a good one.
And because I only have sons, I feel really worried that my own family is going to become the same - they will leave home and never look behind them. Though dh is a lot more involved and affectionate with the boys than my dad ever was, so perhaps there is hope.
Oh gosh. That does sound like a hard situation. I know what you mean about the heart being ripped out of the family and the collection of disparate individuals - I feel a bit like that too - I'm just lucky that I do get on very well with my dad, even though the relationship with him is a lot more effortful than my relationship with my mother was (she was the sort of person who knew what you were thinking befor
face, much as I find it inadequate.
how are the kids? 
