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I'm new to mumsnet, but really need somewhere to talk about my lovely dad who died in May. I hope that's ok. He and my ds, who is nearly 3 had a really special bond - my ds adored his 'granden' and it seems to be getting harder, not easier, to think about him growing up without him, especially as I know that in a few years he probably won't remember him at all. To make it worse, my FIL is not a very child friendly person, and it makes me really angry when he more or less ignores ds when they visit (only every couple of months anyway, where my dad looked after him once a week). I know it's not fair to expect FIL to make up for the absence of dad but it just makes me so so sad. Their visit has really dropped me into a hole when I thought I was coping quite well. I want to start a memory book for ds but don't seem to be able to bring myself to start.
Hi rachels103. Welcome to Mumsnet. I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad. You'll get lots of support on here. My DS was 3 when my Dad died, DS was the first and only grandchild at the time he died and everything you say really reminds me of how I felt. I found it also very hard when DD was born, as he never even saw her and would have adored her. A memory book would be lovely, but don't start it until you're ready. Do you have a nice photo of your Dad and DS you could put on DS's wall in the meantime? My DCs both talk a lot about their Grandad (11 years on) and DD never even met him! I found that I coped quite well and then the grief would suddenly hit me - like the time I was preparign for Mum and both in-laws to come to stay and it struck me that I wasn't making up a bed for Dad. That was 6 months on. I still sometimes have the odd tear. We all deal with grief in our own ways but it's really such a short time since you lost him, compared to all the years you had him - don't be hard on yourself that you are still grieving.
Hi Rachel, my dad died in March and DD was 2.5 at the time so I know exactly what you mean. It can be heartbreaking knowing that DD will never really remember let alone know him, even though they got on really well together and I think it's little things (as you say) that make you think about it. Personally, I have plenty of photos up around our house of her grandpa and talk to her about him - not a lot, but just in context (e.g. "Grandpa would have known what type of bird that was"). To me at least, that way he stays 'alive' to her in a meaningful but not maudlin way. I also do think that I'm really glad that she and him got to meet and know each other - I've got some friends whose kids (to be) will never know one or more of their grandparents.
Hello rachel. I'm sorry about your Dad. My mother also died in May and I know I'm still finding it very tough - if anything it's a bit tougher now than it was immediately after she died. My children are 5 and 3, and I know that realistically they won't have very clear memories of her (if they remember her at all), which is horribly sad and unfair as she was born to be a grandmother. She absolutely adored them, and she would have been a brilliant presence in their lives if she had lived.
I too find it difficult not to be resentful of my parents-in-law, although I know that's not at all fair or reasonable!
Well you guys have made me cry. my dad is in hosp waiting for open heart surgery. Cant get out my head....what if....would destroy me if my 2 sons aged 5 and 3 dont know him like I do. Horrible thing is he is 100 miles away and I feel useless.
I know what you mean and I do find that comforting to an extent lula. My sister feels like she can talk to dad and ask him things - she's probably a bit more in touch with her spiritual side than me - but I can't quite make that leap.
Its going to be a very hard time for everyone..you especially. I am a firm believer in the saying 'time is a healer'.
When I lost my lovely Dad, almost 3yrs ago (to a drunk driver) it was the most awfully sad time and I really didn't know how I was going to cope. I was very close to my Dad. He wasn't only 'Dad' he was my best friend. My kids were 18mths and 7yrs at the time.
I pushed everyone away. I didn't want anyone in my life if I couldn't have my Dad. But if it hadn't have been for my kids I would have gone rapidly down hill - they kept me going. My Dad had a lovely relationship with my eldest. Even now I miss talking to him about how she is doing at school etc. He took such a huge interest in her academically. I don't have anyone to talk to about her now. My Mum really isn't interested and we have no contact, whatsoever, with DH's family.
It will be tough for you and your family for a long time. You clearly loved your Dad enormously. He is looking down on you right now. He will be so proud of you and what you are doing bringing up his lovely Grandson.
Whenever I feel down and miserable, and yes I've been there so many times, I just think to myself that Dad wouldn't want me being like this and to try and keep myself upbeat about everything. He was never miserable and always had a smile on his face.
Talk to your DS about 'Granden'. Point to the stars at night. Encourage him to give Granden's star a wave. My youngest, who is almost 5yrs old, always waves to her Grandad before she goes to bed. She says goodnight to him and blows him a kiss. Whilst she never really knew my Dad because she was so young when he died I do talk to her about him and show her photos etc and I tell her why he is 'up there' and she comes with me to his grave. It's important to include your kids I think because it helps them to understand.
It is hard, I know, to know that your Dad won't see his Grandchildren grow up and especially as he was such an important person in your life and your DS's but just take one day at a time. It does get better. You will go through dips and troughs. I still cry now especially on birthdays and at Christmas. My youngest started school last week - I know my Dad would've rung to see how she got on. Obviously I missed that phone call. But I know he's watching and that is a comfort to me.
Thanks Whispywhisp - your words were very comforting. I'm sorry to hear that your dad went in such a horrible way - you must have been very angry.
It's lovely to hear that your children talk about their grandad lots, even though your youngest didn't know him well. My dh said something which made me think the other day - the person has gone, but not the relationship that you have with them - or something like that.
I feel much calmer this week - it is still a rollercoaster. We have dad's and ds's birthdays in November so that's the next hurdle. Sometimes the big things are surprisingly ok though, whilst little everyday things can be much worse. We'll get there...
Hiya rachels...yes it was a tough time for us. I went thru stages really....immense shock, complete disbelief, sadness, anger, hatred, disappointment etc etc. For the first few weeks I existed by living in this big bubble. I waited for someone to come along and pop it for me! Really weird feeling.
It is still quite hard for me especially because I'm the one with the younger children - the only other child in the family is my nephew and he's 16. My Dad took a huge interest in my eldest child, who is now almost 10 and I miss that so much. DH's parents aren't at all interested. I feel as if I have no one to share my kids with. My Mum isn't overly interested either.
Losing a parent is something I think we all think will never happen. I would often say to myself...'I can't imagine losing my Dad'. I knew it would happen one day but I think we all get so used to having our parents and for me I had him for almost 40yrs so a very long time. And then in a flash he's gone. The massive gap in my life will never be filled by anyone else but the gap contains so many incredibly happy memories that I will cherish forever. xxx
Hi Whispywhisp - although we've lost our dad's in quite different circumstances, (my dad collapsed in the garden with heart failure. He was planting his runner beans...just where he should have been) in some ways our situations are v. similar - I am also the only one in our family with a little one, as I'm much younger than my siblings.
I always knew my children wouldn't have their grandparents for as long, as they were in their 40s when they had me, but it doesn't make it any easier when it happens. I get these irrational thoughts of bitterness at the unfairness of it...why should my brother's kids have had their granddad into their late teens when my ds is barely even old enough to remember him.
And I know what you mean about not having anyone to share your children with...although my mum is great, my inlaws are hopeless, particularly FIL. They think by bringing him a present whenever they come to visit that makes up for the fact that it's not very often. My dad would never dream of NOT playing with ds, or reading to him or whatever, and you could see the joy on both of their faces whenever they saw each other, whereas for FIL it seems like a chore at times.
I feel on the one hand blessed that I had such a wonderful dad for so long, and have so many happy memories, but that only makes me more sad for my ds to have lost him so soon.
Yep. I know exactly what you mean. I find it really hard to go up to visit Dad in the cemetary. When I look at other graves and see that there were people who died at an older age than Dad I ask why? Why couldn't Dad have lived that long? Mind you, my Dad was 76 when he died but he was a very fit and agile man up until a few weeks before he died. Going to Dad's grave is one of the hardest things to do. I don't find it easy at all. I especially find it hard seeing his name on a piece of headstone. I stare at it in complete bewilderment still finding it hard to believe he's 'down there'. When he was buried I used to drive past and feel I was leaving him behind - during the Winter I would worry he was really cold! Mad isn't it?
When DD1 did her SATs earlier this year and passed them with some high marks followed by a brilliant school report I rang my Mum to tell her. I could tell she wasn't interested and changed the subject quite quickly. Whereas Dad would've fired me with loads of questions and would love to sit and read with DD1 or do spellings. He would also compliment us on being good parents etc etc which was great to hear.
Now I've not got him I haven't got anyone that is even remotely interested in my kids. I've even looked at the Adopt a Gran website to see if anyone would like to step in and be Grandparents!
If ever you want to chat my email addy is
phek32@hotmail.com
Please email if you want a natter. I'm usually around. It will be hard for you. Hold on to those special memories you had - all those memories that made you smile, laugh and especially those that made you realise how much you love(d) him and always will. xxxx
Oh by the way...my Dad did die in very similar circumstances to yours. He died of heart failure whilst at home, on his own, my Mum was at work. He was found lying in the hallway with the phone in his hand. Mum had to walk home because he didn't pick her up. He'd had the car crash a few weeks prior with the 19yo drunk driver (3times over the limit and high on E's) and he never recovered. He aged into a very old grey man and died as a result. My Mum has never forgiven herself for not being there when he died. I happened to ring to speak to him and a paramedic answered the phone. I knew he'd died because she told me to get over there immediately. Had he been alive she'd have said. I had to identify him for the Police - he was lying in the hallway covered in a blanket. We waited 4hrs for the undertakers to come and take him away (it was a Saturday) - it was horrible. I cuddled him because he was so cold. I told him how much I love him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. I feel angry with myself for not doing that when he was alive.
Hi, My dad died at 52 years before I had my 3dc, but I do remember sobbing over the fact that he wouldn't meet my children or give me away on the night of his accident. It has got less raw for me and now 10 years on I'm only a bit sad. Mostly it's just lovely the way as the dc change and grow more elements of my dad come out in them - his tastes, his sense of humour, his bashfulness - it's all there. My dc all talk about him because me and my mum talk about him all the time and the photos around the house spark discussions. Rather than a book if that feels overwhelming, why don't you ask relatives for photos that you put in a special box? Our photos help us laugh about our holidays and so on.
I do find as the months/years go by I laugh about him more. He will often come up conversation with DH. Dad and DH were like Dad and Son. When Dad died and we saw him at the C of R, DH put a note in the coffin that said 'Thanks for being my Dad too'.
There's times when I think actually how lucky we were to have lost Dad the way we did because it must be so hard for people to lose someone who is ill and suffers for so long towards the end. Dad died so quickly although the shock was absolutely enormous because we had no prior warning that he was so ill/about to die. It must be awful for families to 'watch' someone fade and deteriorate whereas Dad died in an instant. Had he also survived the heart attack he would have been so incredibly miserable because he was such a fit active man and he would never have been the same. Even getting a cold was a big deal for Dad so to get heart problems would have made life very hard for him and Mum.
Never mind. He's in a much happier place now and I'm sure he's looking down, sat up there with his pipe lit up, tut tutting at me or smiling away!
oh...you've started me off now. my Dad died this July...we were abroad at the time. my kids and I were so close to "grandie" but they're all different and seem to deal with it in different ways. my eldest-she's 10-was very,very close and yet even though she misses him terribly,she seems to be able to shake it off and she smiles and says something lovely like "he's always with us Mummy"...which cheers me up no end.My other two-9 and 8-seem to have blocked things out a bit.in fact my son hasn't mentioned him at all since the funeral.yet i know they all absolutely worshipped him.
cutekids...it's amazing how kids cope and deal with the grief associated with the death of someone they are close to isn't it? My eldest daughter was 7 when Dad died. She was very close to him.
When I ran indoors to find him in the hallway I ran back outside to tell DH who was sat with the kids in the car outside my parents house. I can remember her sitting there, in the car, looking totally stunned. She didn't cry until the following day and that was more to do with the fact I was so devastated. She then decided that he would be ok because he was with his old pet dog, and she listed all the other pets and people we'd known to have passed away and told us he'd be ok because he wouldn't be on his own.
DD2 was only 18mths old at the time and doesn't remember him at all - even looking at photos - but what she does know is what we've told her - that he loved them both dearly and called them his 'special girls' right up to the day he died.
Thinking back...just before he died - literally a few days before - he decided to ask more about them, take even more interest than normal and I can remember his neighbours telling me at the funeral that he'd only mentioned a couple of days before he died how much he loved his Grand-daughters etc. Maybe he did know, maybe he didn't but the more I think about it I think he did know he was seriously ill.
I know one thing for sure...if it hadn't have been for the wonderful man I am married to and my two lovely kids I don't think I would've coped. xx
Hello, my dad died when ds was 3 too and they were reasonably close, it's hard isn't it? Even now, 7 years later I find myself googling my dad's name, looking at pictures of places he loved, reading poetry I know he loved... it's all tough. Welcome to mn though. It's a roller coaster (apols for cliche but it is) but it does get better.
Hi WWW....yes 'roller coaster' is a good way to describe it...lots of ups and downs. Fortunately, as the time goes on, there are more ups than downs but nevertheless the downs still remain. I just naturally (and wrongly) presumed my Dad would always be around. I just wish the idiot that left that pub that night had walked home and not got in his car.
I agree it is very hard. My parents never got to meet my children at all. My dad died of a heart attack when I was 15 and my mum died from breast cancer when I was 22.
When you have children and lose or have already lost your parent/s you're not only grieving for what once was but for a future that is no longer there and it is very sad. I try to talk to my children about their 'other' grandparents but they are really too young atm to grasp it. I hope when they are older they start asking questions and I will be able to share my memories with them.
Hi all. So sorry to hear that you lost your parents so young ledodgy
Feeling better at the mo thanks whispywhisp...very busy at work which sort of helps, and my mum is taking positive steps, which is good for all of us. She's started sitting down in the evenings a bit, which she couldn't at all for ages. She sits in dad's chair tho which I think is really nice, actually. I'm so proud of her. They were teenage sweethearts and had been married for 54 years...it would be so easy for her to just give up on life but that's not her style.
Have had lots of talks with ds about granden this last week or so...he was looking at dad's photo the other night, and he's always talking about how he misses him and he's not coming back because he's living with the angels now. Not in a sad way though - very down to earth, as children are. We say to him (dh is very good at this) that we can still remember granden in our heads and in the things we do that make us think of him, which he seems to sort of get.
He's a bit fixated with granden's tree at the moment...we scattered dad's ashes in a wonderful place called the Eternal Forest in Snowdonia, his favourite place in the world...and we've adopted a tree with a bird box in his memory. Unfortunately last time we went ds fell asleep in the car and didn't actually see g's tree, so he keeps asking which tree is granden's. So I think we need to go again soon so he can get the picture of the tree in his head.
...and whispywhisp, I'm sure your dad knew you loved him very much whether you said it out loud or not.
My mum wasn't there either - she'd gone into town on the bus. I'm sure he waited til she was out because he knew she wouldn't have coped. We all saw him, except my sister who lives abroad, and he looked so peaceful. I held his hand, for the first time since I was a little girl I think, and it felt just the same.
Just wanted to say that I feel the same, my lovely Dad died suddenly last year and it makes me so sad that he will never see my DD grow up or even know my new baby.
He loved my DD so much, but she was only 4 when he died and it makes me so sad to think that she won't remember him.
She doesn't have another Grandad on my DH's side.
Worried in case my grief triggers post natal depression....
I too held Dad's hand whilst he was lying on the hallway floor - before the Undertakers finally arrived...I'd not held his hand since I was a kid and I can remember as a child thinking how big my Dad's hands were! The last time I held them is, as I say, as he was lying on the floor, having died and this time they weren't as big (obviously because I'd grown) but I was shocked at how cold they were.
Isn't it weird how many cases you hear of people who die when their partners aren't there? It's as if they waited? I'm hoping that wasn't the case but Mum has always mentioned how guilty she felt for not being at home when he had his attack but we tell her she couldn't have done anything apart from hold his hand etc. It was such a huge heart attack even if the Paramedics could have saved him he would never have been the same again...and Dad would've hated that. It must've been so scary for him though, and lonely.
What a lovely idea adopting a tree with a bird box in it? My Dad loved birds too. That's such a lovely idea.
It will be my Dad's birthday soon. He 'will be' 80. I think your Mum will be fine Rachels....she has a wonderful supportive family around her and somehow women cope a lot better than men when their partners pass away. Had my Mum died before my Dad I'm fairly confident he would have died soon after and would never have coped without her. So I'm grateful to still have my Mum and she is also doing extremely well.
Hi whispywhisp - how lovely that you held you Dad's hand. I held my Dad's hand shortly after he died in hospital, but when I went to the Chapel of Rest to see him with my Mum, I couldn't bear to touch him, as I knew that he would be icy cold.
My Dad suffered a catastrophic brain hemorrhage and if he had survived, he would have been severely disabled, and he was a very independent man and he wouldn't have wanted to live his life like that, so it was relief, in some ways, when he died.
My Dad would have been 82 this year, my Mum is still going strong, although she is disabled, she copes well.
My baby is due in about 3 weeks, so I am weepy and hormonal at the moment!
My father died when I was 25 and my mother died when I was 32. I was with both of them at the time. I was married but had no children at the time. I deeply regret leaving it so late now having my DS when I was 35. He never met either of them. My twin sister has two DD one of them was 3 and one about 6 mo when our mother died. Sadly neither of them can remember her. But they refer to her as Grandma in the stars.
As time goes by you remember the good times much more than the sad ones. But still when I read posts like this I cry even though it is now 18 years since my father died and 10 years since my mother died. I still miss them very much. But I know they are watching over me and my DS and I am sure they would love him to bits.
Yea it was weird holding his hand though because he'd been dead for some time by the time I got over there - atleast 3hrs - although we don't know exactly what time he died. I held it again at the Chapel of Rest - to be honest it was the only part of him I truly recognised because he'd had such an invasive PM and he didn't look like my Dad at all.
i've been struggling this week as it's just over three years since my grandma died, she brought me up for some of my childhood and i was much closer to her than any of my family. She died when ds was 8 weeks old and i am sad that i can't share him with her.........i spoke to my dad about it this week because i've been finding it very hard and he said 'time heals all wounds, but some wounds heal for all time'.......and that really makes sense to me. My sadness about this will never go away completely and it's ok to feel this way no matter how much time has passed.......i went to Gran's grave last week and ds was a joy talking to her picture on the gravestone and i knew that wherever she is she will have been smiling at that.
One thing I do believe (and I'd never even thought about it til we lost dad) is that when your time is up then that's it...it must be really hard for you not to feel bitterness whispywhisp, but who's to know what might have happened even if he hadn't have gone out that night - maybe it was just his time.
I too know that my dad wouldn't have coped being disabled and dependent on anyone else. He was a very independent (some would say stubborn!) man and would have been a terrible patient. He never took time off work and it was a real struggle to get him to the doctor about anything. He was starting to lose his mobility to the degree where he really couldn't walk far but never complained about the pain - only about the fact that he couldn't hike up mountains like he used to. I think he actually was in more pain than he let on before he died, and maybe if he'd been a moaner we'd have learnt more about his heart condition before his heart gave up on him. But there you go - that was his way and we have to accept that.
I cried all the way home from mum's today because ds wanted to listen to 'The Smartest Giant in Town' on CD, and last time dad was in the car with me he commented on how well ds joined in with the song. It was only a few weeks before he died and the first time I'd ever driven him anywhere (he always drove, but his legs were too swollen...in hindsight another clue to what was coming). It felt like he was right next to me.
Hi minnie, daphne and queen. Good luck with the last few weeks of your pregnancy minnie. Remember a little part of your dad will be there in your new baby, and I'm sure he'll be looking down on you with a smile. My dh keeps reminding me that dad lives on in all of us who are left.
This is what I love about MN I'm not even the OP but I feel really comforted by the words everyone has said on here. Thanks. xx <<big hugs for everyone>>
I cry too some days, pregnancy hormones make it worse. I cannot listen to "Dance with my father" by Luther Vandross without dissolving completely, and it is the sort of thing that I consider to be sentimental rubbish normally!
Daphne....that's a nice post...thank you. xx Glad we can all help each other.
Minnie...I talk about my Dad quite a bit too. Now I can talk about him without crying quite so much but initially I would sob. I've been having some dreadful nights just lately though - the most awful nightmares and they are always about Dad. Weird because before he died I never suffered with nightmares/heavy dreams but since he's gone I get them quite regularly.
I must go and visit Dad's grave this weekend. I find it one of the toughest things to do. Even now I can't get used to seeing his name on a headstone.
His parents are buried in a grave yard a few miles further on than Dad. He was an only child and could never afford a headstone for them until a few months before Dad passed away. For once Dad had some money (he sold a plot of land) and the money finally came through in the February 05. He immediately ordered a headstone for his parent's grave. He chose the design and the wording. He never got to see it because he died just before it was erected. That makes me soooo sad. Dad has the same design of headstone on his grave so it matches his parents. The plot of land he sold was sold for a new development of houses. The cul-de-sac of houses has been named after him in honour of Dad. It has his surname and then Close.
He never got to see either his parents headstone nor see that the houses were named after him. I'm crying whilst I'm typing this now. I would do anything to have him back in my life again. Better go. Not having a good day today. Sorry. Keep in touch everyone. I need you lot too. xxxx
what really hit me about losing my Gran was not being able to draw on her expertise with babies, 12 children and 27 grandchildren meant she knew everything there was to know about little ones. In those weeks after her death when i had a 10 week old baby and was learning all those things you learn about your child i couldn't share with her and couldn't ask her advice......and i always thought she would be there for that. The last time i saw my Gran before she was taken ill was when i was pregnant, and i sat on the sofa next to her and she placed a hand on my belly and there were tears in her eyes. When i was leaving to go home she held both my hands very tightly and said 'you are precious to me, do you know it broke my heart when your mum moved out and took you with her, i wanted you with me always'.....which is something we had never really spoken about.
sorry i needed to share this.....life has been hard for me this last year and i've missed not having her there to support me
Hi Queen and Minnie...thank you for the hugs. Need them atm. xxxxx
In the days leading up to my Dad's death he told me my kids were his 'special girls' which he'd never really said before so I knew something was different. He also told his neighbours in those short few days how much I'd done to help him whilst he was recovering from the car crash and how much I and DH and our kids meant to him. He could also recollect all the pressies I'd bought him over the years...he listed a few off the last time I saw him alive - the day before he died...even remembering a screwdriver set and a clock I'd made for him (which I now have).
Life is so lonely without Dad. I have my Mum, which I'm thankful for, but I'm not as close to her as I was Dad, and never will be. Dad had such a lovely way about him - always putting others first, always ringing up to see if we are ok especially if one of the kids had been poorly calling them 'nippers', he would always make us feel so welcome if we popped in getting out the 'posh' biscuits - ie those with chocolate on them and offering whatever chocolate he had in his secret stash to everyone!
I just try and do my best as a Mum, Wife, Daughter and Sister. That way I know he'll be up there smiling down at me. I'm glad he knew my children albeit for a short time but atleast he knew they were there. I knew when I last saw him he wasn't well but I knew also that suggesting he went to see a GP would be the wrong thing to say because he would get on all the defensive and say he was fine. Perhaps I knew I was saying goodbye to him when I last saw him and atleast that last time was tarred with me suggesting he got an appt and him getting upset.
I told a mate of mine that same afternoon (at school) that I wouldn't have him at Xmas. Little did I know we'd lose him the following day.
sorry I've not been here for a couple of days...rotten chest infection so been in bed before 9. (((hugs))) whispywhisp, so sorry you're feeling down at the moment. I too feel that dad is looking down on us with a smile. Take care.
Please could I join this thread for a while? My dad died 11 days ago and I am starting to find it so hard to accept what has happened. He was diagnosed 2 months ago but spent all but 5 days of that time in hospital so never got to make the most of the time he had left. I was with him when he died which I am grateful for but also angry about because it was a horrible thing but feel I can't talk about it to anyone. IYSWIM. I try not to cry in front of my DCs but can't help it sometimes and then worry I am stressing them out. Tonight I turned into shouty mum and now feel crap about it. Dh works evenings and it is hard to manage on my own. I want company but I don't want company. I want the next year to disappear because I don't want the pain. <crying> Relief to type this and get it out. TIA
Hiya cathcat...so sorry to hear you've lost your lovely Dad too. You'll go through loads of different emotions in these early days. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Loneliness. Wanting to be on your own. Wanting company. You'll feel like you're existing in a bubble. You'll feel very numb. I did.
Don't worry about shouting at your kids. I did this too. I kept saying to myself I just wanted my Dad. I was like a child crying out for my lost parent. It was so weird. My kids didn't really understand what 'Mummy' was going through - they just knew I was incredibly sad and for a while, unfortuntely, they were walking around on egg shells around me for fear of upsetting me. If I cried my eldest would cry. She was only 7yrs old at the time but when I asked her why she was crying her reply would be 'because you are'. So I knew I had to try and keep my emotions hidden from her.
For a time I wanted to be on my own and talk about my Dad's death to anyone. Then I found, a few weeks afterwards, I found comfort talking to people. I found one particular person, who I know to say hello to and pass the time of day with, had also lost her Dad in exactly the same circumstances and she was an absolute angel to me.
Sometimes it helps to talk, sometimes it doesn't. If you feel you need to open up then do it but don't feel bad if you don't want to talk.
I'll be honest the first year is pretty hard. You've got all the 'firsts' to get thru - the first birthdays, Xmas, Father's Day...but I found once the first year had gone it does get easier. Even when I got into a New Year (Dad died Nov 05)...ie Jan 06 even being able to say 'Dad died last year' was easier to say.
He's looking down at you now Cathcat...remember that and I'm sure he wouldn't want to see you sad and upset but at the same time just be 'you'...if you want to shout and cry then do it...its better to let it out than bottle it up. Don't be embarrassed to show how you feel. You're only human after all. xxxx
Cathcat - so sorry that you lost your lovely Dad. 11 days is not long into the grieveing process and as whispywhisp said, you will go through all sorts of emotions.
I felt terrible that DD saw me crying so much, but I just told her the truth, that Mummy was very sad because her Daddy had died. I think that it is best to be as honest as possible, even with very young children. My Dad died just a few days after DD's 4th birthday.
Even now, over a year on, I still cry a lot, it is like some sort of primal loss, I could just howl with the pain and being pregnant and hormonal is making it worse, with baby due in about 2 weeks.
It DOES get better, it DOES get less painful, but little things will often remind me of my Dad and trigger my very deep feelings of grief and loss.
It's early days for you, I was a 'shouty mum' too, lots, and still am sometimes. I had no patience with my ds, I think because there was no room for anything other than just getting through each day. Then I'd feel terrible, but I think it's only natural. How old are your dc?
The messages from others who have been through the same thing have been really helpful to me over the last few weeks, and it's good just to have somewhere to 'go' IYSWIM where everyone knows what you're going through because they've been there.
Hiya rachels...how are you? I think we ought to keep this thread ticking over for those of us who have lost a parent.
I had my Dad in my life for almost 40yrs. I had a bit of a cry today because I was having trouble with my youngest DD and I knew if Dad had been alive I would've rung him up for some advice! I have the anniversary of his death coming up next month. He will have been gone for 3yrs. Such a long time but a time to reflect and remember all those very many happy memories.
Yes, I think we should keep the thread going...I feel much better at the mo than when I started it, but there are so many ups and downs and it is good to know there are others out there who understand and that we can be a bit of comfort for each other.
Dh has been a bit funny with me for posting on here, not in a bad way, but worried that I can't talk to him. It's not that and I can, but he's admitted it's hard for him to know what I'm going through so it's kind of nice to give him a break too.
When is your dad's anniversary? My dad's b'day is on 10th Nov so I know that will be another tough one. Have booked day off work to be with mum and would like to 'do' something with her rather than just being at home either feeling terrible or pretending it's a normal day. Not sure what tho...need to speak to her. Any ideas?
Hi Rachels...My Dad died on the 12 Nov. His birthday is just before Xmas. He will be 80.
I must admit when I had the first anniversary of Dad's death I treated it like a normal day. It happened to fall on Remembrance Sunday (Poppy Day) so it was a very sad day anyway. But I did do 'normal' stuff, iykwim. As far as Dad's birthday was concerned...I tend to put fresh flowers on his grave with a little note. I left a chocolate bar on there once...he loved his chocolate but I'm sure the wild rabbits that live in the cemetary took a shine to it because it had been nibbled at on one end...not that Dad would've minded..he liked to share!
hello all, having a bad day. I can't settle to do anything, I am behind with everything in the house, no shopping etc. Dcs just watching TV and making a mess downstairs. Just can't see the point in tidying the house, it's not going to make my grief go away. Really feel I am sliding down a slope just now.
cath...you're gonna have crappy days...it's normal. I had loads of days like that. I had absolutely no get up and go. Just didn't feel like getting out of bed sometimes. Even the slightest chore was a major task for me. I went right off food, felt lousy for it, the kids would get on my nerves for the slightest thing, I would shout at them, hate having them around me and just wanted to curl up and be on my own. Or I just wanted to be with my Dad. I used to say...'If I can't have my Dad, I don't want anyone'
Try and get an early night. Get yourself into a good book. Get up early tomorrow morning and start the day with something nice...quick walk round the block before your DP/DH leaves for work? Nice soak in the bath?
Wish you lived near me...I'd come and give you a hug and give you a hand with your LO's too. You're not on your own. You have us on MN. We'll always be here and we know exactly what you're going through. xxxxxx
cathcat...is there any way you can get a break from your dc for a few hours? Either to do something that you enjoy, or just to sit in the house and not have to think about what they are doing or worry about putting a brave face on. I know just how you feel cos I was the same too - you feel like you've got to keep going for everyone else but you just want to shut yourself away or scream or whatever.
Walking helped me...just to get some tension out. I would disappear for half an hour when dh got home on the premise of going to the shop for something pointless and just stomp around.
It will get better. You will start to see pleasure in things again and find the energy to go on. Just not today.
whispy...I feel sad today ds is going through a lovely chatty phase and sat telling me all sorts of nonsense at the dinner table. Wish dad could hear him. He'd have been chuckling. How about you?
You're right with what you've written to cath in your post...I think whenever someone goes through the huge grief of losing someone you have to make time for yourself...even if it means just sitting in the garden, local park, even another room separate from the kids. I love walking too...just to clear my head occasionally..it does wonders.
When my Dad died DD2 was only 18mths. She doesn't remember him (she's almost 5 now) but she often talks about him and we often look at his picture on the wall. She knows he's the 'Grandad with the flowers'...ie the flowers on his grave. I think its important to talk to our kids about our parents. I know my Dad would love to see my kids now but I'm sure he is 'up there' looking down.
I try my hardest not to cry, get upset, show that I miss him so much but sometimes its hard not to let it out. I often think that it shows how much someone is loved when they talk about them, even after the 3yrs my Dad has been gone....to not shed tears would not be normal. It's tears of love, imo. xxx
I definitely agree that walking is a great help, oy just clears your mind.
Sometimes I think that you just need to give into grief and have a "duvet" day.
I now talk about my Dad a lot, it is the only way that I can keep him alive, if I talk about him, at can almost be as if he is still with us....
I just hate it sometimes when I want to talk about my Dad and other people just give me a deaf ear, my MIL in particular never lets me talk about him, but she is an evil old bat anyway!
My Dad will always be my Dad and he will always be with me in my heart.
minnie...completely agree with the last sentence of your post...'my Dad will always be my Dad and will always be with me in my heart'...same here. I always talk about my Dad in the present tense too...for example 'it's his birthday on'...rather than 'it would've been...' I don't know if that's the right or wrong thing to do but it helps me to talk about him like that.
I'm going over to tend his grave this morning. I must admit I dread it. I walk up to his grave and always look at his headstone....still not believing his name is inscribed on it. I'll never get my head round seeing his name, my maiden name, on it. Then I look at the date he died....and can't believe its so long ago. Where have those years gone? Sometimes it feels like he died years ago, other times it feels like yesterday. Really weird.
I just tidy up his flowers, make sure his grave is clean and then put my hand on his headstone..tell him how much I love him, miss him and walk away...normally crying. I then glance back before I leave the cemetary and say goodbye and see you soon.
I'm blubbing as I'm typing this. It doesn't take much for me to blub! Not good just as I'm about to go out the door and take the kids to school...Mummy with red puffy eyes!
Anyway I hope you're all ok....
cath - you ok? Hope you have a better day today? Minnie, Rachels, Queen, Daphne...you all ok? xxxxx
We don't have a headstone for dad at my mum's insistence - she has gone on for as long as I can remember about not wanting people to cry over a grave (for her as well) hence the tree, which is lovely and felt absolutely right as soon as we got the idea.
It's really positive and about life - my dad loved Wales and his birds (some of the donations in lieu of flowers were given to the RSPB too). It's just a shame it's so far away (nearly 4 hours drive) so we can't go there often. It would be nice just to go somewhere to feel close to him and think about him, although he's there all the time in our heads and hearts, in his garden and his shed (which we haven't touched yet).
www.eternalforest.org/ is the website for the charity if ur interested, as you mentioned your dad loved birds too.
hello all and thanks for your posts about struggling with the early days. I feel I had a better day today, got some housework done (DH helped, not often that happens). A friend took the DCs in the afternoon so I got a break. I did some gardening which was something my dad enjoyed so it felt a positive thing to do. Had a wobble on the phone to someone who said how proud my dad would be of my sister and me just now and I suddenly couldn't speak and had to put the phone down. We are going to the hospice on Friday to hand in a cheque (collection at the church service)so I am worried about the emotions I will feel being back in the place where he died. However I feel so grateful that he had a room there with very kind staff and they were all great with us, so am glad that we are able to support them with this donation.
My Dad died last year, and I planted all his favourite flowers in the garden, he loved gardening and although I am not much of a gardener myself, I did it as a tribute to him and it was lovely to watch them grow and flower, all traditional plants like pansies, marigolds, primulas, that sort of thing.
I think that the tree is just a wonderful idea, to have something living and growing.
Glad that you had a better day Cathcat.
Rachel, Queen, Daphne, Whispy - I hope that you are all doing OK.
Hi all...lovely to see we've all popped in and posted!
I'm ok thanks. Went over to see Mum yesterday and to visit Dad's grave (which I did on my own)...yes I cried, again. I hope one day to go and not get tearful, one day.
When Dad died we did gave two charities for collections - British Heart Foundation and the Cats Protection League. I didn't donate to either but instead I help out voluntarily with the CPL helping run the lost/found register. I thought atleast that way I can continue to help for as long as they need me/for as long as I want.
With the way the weather has changed recently - getting colder - its bringing the realisation nearer that I'm getting closer to the time of year that Dad passed away. I say this because the very last time I saw him, the day before he died, he stood shivering in his thin shirt and cardigan waving me off down the road....I shouted back at him to go and get a coat on but being the lovely stubborn man he was I knew he wouldn't. He gave me a hug that afternoon - my Dad never hugged people...you might get a slap on the shoulder or he'd twiddle the kid's hair but never a hug. I do wonder if he knew he didn't have long...
Anyway yes its a sunny clear day here today. I'm off to walk the dog and go and do a week's grocery shop...not that we need much cos we've all been poorly in this house (tum bugs) so hopefully the dog will benefit and get a good walk! Tomorrow I must concentrate on finding a job - DD2 went full-time to school this week and I'm already feeling guilty that I should find something to do, I know the bank manager would be grateful!
Any joy with the job hunting whispy? It must feel strange but maybe quite nice to have the house to yourself. Think I might try to put it off for a while if I were you! Sadly, I work full time (dh is the main child carer term time...I'm a teacher so the hols make it bearable)How is your DD settling in at school?
Saw a book in the book people stack at work today and the thought just popped into my head "dad might like that for Christmas" before I caught myself. Isn't it weird?
Got the in-laws coming on Monday. Hope FIL is in a better mood than last time I saw him, and actually manages to talk to ds. Can see myself saying something if he's as miserable as last time.
Hope everyone's ok. How was the hospice visit cathcat? Hopefully quite comforting to be able to help those that helped your dad so much.
Off to bed I think. Been trying to do my planning so rest of wkend is free, but am v. easily distracted
Hi The hospice visit was fine. I did feel weird walking past the room that was my dad's and where he died. We handed over the cheque and had a coffee with one of the nurses and one of the doctors who helped my dad. It was for £1000 so we are glad that it will go towards 'patient comfort', anything that helps people in this terrible situation. ( We have another cheque for just over another £1000 for a local homeless charity). My sister is struggling with the fact that a lot of our friends made the effort to come to the funeral but haven't been in touch since. I was a bit more prepared for this (lost a friend last year) as I think it is human nature. But it really makes you realise how special some friends are, and not always the ones you expect. Just wondered what other peoples experience of this was?
cath....you've hit quite a raw subject...friends and 'those' friends....iykwim!
When we had Dad's funeral the church was absolutely packed....its a big church but there were loads of people stood at the back because it was full. The Vicar even said to my Mum he'd never known so many people in the church at one time. My Dad was a very likeable popular man having had a shop in the town for many years and he continued working and helping people right up to when he died.
Anyway....when the service was over we had this lovely wake at the local hotel...a beautiful spread was laid and drinks paid for at the bar. About a quarter of those in the church came back to the wake...I couldn't work out why so few didn't come back considering the fact most of those who attended the service were retired folk and lived locally.
Has my Mum seen any of those who went to the funeral since? Nope. She has seen a hand full and has made great friends with a few but the majority of those who came and saw Dad's coffin, saw us all in floods of tears..have never been to see Mum since. OK so they wanted to come and pay their last respects to someone they liked but it would also have been nice if they'd kept in touch with his Wife and family afterwards.
I went into Dad's bedroom during the week....my parents had separate rooms because he snored!....I still sat there on the end of his bed (now the spare bed) looking around at his room, his computer (which he bought just before he died and never did get around to using it much), his books and his alarm clock that used to go off and wake the house up.
Anyway cath...yes its not nice that some don't keep in touch after the funeral...but it is human nature. I think some just don't know how to keep in touch, some think its best to stay away..in the end I rang a couple of those that were good friends to my Mum (especially Mum) and asked that they got in touch with her because I knew Mum wouldn't ring them....and since then she has enjoyed visiting their homes, they come to Mum, and they've done trips out.
rachels....yes DD2 has settled in well to school thanks. She has a party to go to today and DD1 has been invited by a friend tomorrow for the day so its a bit of a topsy turvy weekend. DH has just gone to work so I'd best get my skates on because I've got a lot to get done before we go out. Whilst DD2 is at the party I'm taking DD1 to Clarks to get some new boots....more money but I find Clarks last a good couple of years so worth it. I'm trying to buy the bits I won't be able to afford come the New Year when the mortgage changes. Re looking for a job - got the local paper yesterday - nothing. I might do some voluntary work in the meantime...I help out at DD1's school during the week so might ask if I can do some more. She's Year 5 (aged 10) and I find that an interesting year to help!
Best go...I've waffled a lot on this post..sorry...hope you all have a lovely day. xxxx
Hi, a quick hello as I should be asleep. A good weekend, what about you? Mum has started clearing through some of my dad's personal papers, books etc. I didn't think she would do it so soon but whatever she is comfortable with. I was clearing out a handbag and found a note he had written for me, asking me to do something in the town for him Feels strange seeing his handwriting now he has gone. I have lots of letters he wrote me when I was on a year away but I am not ready to read them again yet. Away for the next few days, see you at the end of the week.
cath....my Mum sorted out my Dad's stuff after the funeral. I felt it was a bit soon but, like you, its up to her and whatever she's happiest doing. She then asked me to take all his clothes, which she'd washed and ironed and labelled up (sizes, neck collars etc) to the local BHF charity shop. It felt really weird me handing over bags of my Dad's clothing but it was the least I could do. I've also got some paperwork of his, to do with family research (ancestry) which I decided to take on after he died. Some of it was written years ago and his handwriting was so smart and tidy. It's very noticeable how shaky he got with his writing towards the end though cos his more recent handwriting was all over the place. Bless him. I can remember him offering to make me a cup of tea the day before he died. I joked about the fact that I needed a ladder to drink it cos by the time he got the mug to me it only had half a cup left, he was so shaky holding things like a cup. Such a shame to see someone go downhill when he was in his absolute prime prior to the car crash.
cath...hope you have a good week and catch up with you at the end of it! Hope everyone else ok?
I've not got a lot on this week - quite glad actually cos last week was manic. I'm just off out with the dog and I'm going to pop into a couple of charity shops to see if I can volunteer to help. I'm helping out at school this week too...helping some kids in DD1's year (Year 5 - aged 10) who can't write very well. I'm always amazed at the vast academic ability of kids these days. Even at 10yrs old there are some that can't even write their name. Shocking. xxx
Hello, we had a nice weekend....ds's first 'proper' birthday party (a friend from nursery rather than friends who I've known since anti-natal etc.) which was v.sweet although scary to see how much people spend on a 3 year old's party (but that's for another thread maybe...)
My mum also sorted dad's clothes very quickly - even before the funeral. My sister was staying with her at the time and found it very difficult because she wasn't ready. Mum obviously was, and has been 'sorting' ever since. She's worked wonders on the garden and it gives her an outlet and something to keep her busy. Dad wasn't really able to keep up with it in the last couple of years but was too proud to ask for help and no-one wanted to offend him by offering so it had got into a bit of a state.
cath - those letters will be really nice to read when you are ready. My dad wasn't one for letters, although I'll treasure forever his written directions...he was my 'sat nav' as I have a terrible sense of direction and always had to ask him how to get to places. I use his directions to Wales where his tree is , which is oddly comforting. I completely panicked last time we went when I couldn't find them, and wouldn't change the route even a little bit to take a short cut my brother suggested! Silly really I suppose.
Whispy - I teach year 5 and 6 and yes, it is scary the range of abilities and how some children either slip through the net or just don't 'get it' however much help they have. It's great that you're helping out at school, I'm sure they really appreciate it. Have you thought about trying to get work as a teaching assistant? It's not brilliantly paid, but fits in well with school hours and is credit crisis proof...I'm feeling pretty good about being in the public sector for once!
Ds is dozing next to me and I'm watching that cookery prog about eating what's in season. Lovely recipes but why do they film lots of close ups of him chewing? He's not exactly gorgeous!!! The in-laws were up today and I've managed not to get upset. They were in a much better mood and had a lovely day with ds so I feel much more warm and fuzzy about his relationship with them. (Have also had couple of glasses of wine hence waffling - sorry! )
Rachel - have just found this thread. I also lost my dad in May unexpectedly after 13 days in hospital. DD was just 4 and DS nearly 3. He was a perfect Grandpa who adored being with his grandchildren, who all worshipped him and I too feel so sad that they didn't have the benefit of knowing him for longer and might not even remember him at all later on. However, the things which have comforted me since are:
1.a specific memory of my son singing Old King Cole to him in the Intensive care unit (first song he learnt by heart, taught to him by my Dad) 2. Great conversations about him with my DCs since he died and looking at old photos of him. 3. The knowledge that I am so similar to him that he will live on in my children in very tangible ways (not just physically but in all the made up words and customs, strange obsessions, favourite places, love for life etc etc). That really seems to help.
cath...glad you're ok and you had a good weekend. Isn't it funny how we remember our Dad's for the simple things in life...like getting directions etc. My Dad was very useful for when my car was playing up, the tv on the blink or simply a question to do with DD1's history homework! Glad your time with your in-laws went well. I don't see my out-laws....DH and I have nothing to do with his parents and haven't seen them for over 3yrs. They've never accepted the fact I married their son, even 18yrs ago, and they aren't the slightest bit interested in the DDs. My kids have one Grannie (my Mum) and one Great Grandmother (my Gran who is almost 97). That's all they know and that's all they will ever know.
Yes I would love to work in a school, cath, and I'd particularly like to help DD1's year - I helped out during her time in Year 4 and it was a real eye-opener. This year its even more of an eye-opener cos those kids I tried to help last year are still no further forward. DD1 is in a class of 33 kids. Fortunately she's in top groups and an academically bright child. I would be so worried if she were in the bottom groups and not improving.
latermater...hello, nice to see you've come to this thread. We've kept rachels thread running because there are a few of us who find it useful to come in and talk about how we have all coped/are coping with having lost a parent.
Sorry to hear you've lost your Dad too...how old was he? Such a shame to lose our Dad's when they've not long been Grandads too isn't it? My Dad died when my kids were 7 and almost 2yrs old. Fortunately he got to see both of them but I do wish he could see them growing up right now.
I think its really important to talk about our Dad's to our kids. They need to know he was there when they were babies....DD2 doesn't remember him but she does look at photos of him and we go to visit his grave together...she knows him as the 'Grandad with the flowers' (ie flowers on his grave) and she reels off all the pets we've lost since who are with him (a dog, cat, guinea pigs etc) and even the odd dead bird we've seen and a dead wild rabbit in the cemetary...'oh, they're with Grandad now'...so I get them all listed off as...'the bird with the bleeded wing' and the 'flat bunny in the garden by the church'....bless her.
Anyway, best go, its late. Hope everyone ok. Catch you all soon I hope. xxxxx
Pmsl whispy, bless your dd for 'the flat bunny in the garden by the church' - they never fail to make us smile in the saddest moments do they?!
Hi latermater...this thread has been a great help to me and even though I'm feeling lots better than when I wrote it, it's turned into something else now and it's really nice to keep in touch with others in a similar situation.
Anyone read a book with their dcs called 'Always and forever'...we've found it a lovely way to talk to ds about grandad - it's about a group of animals who live together and when fox dies they are all really sad, until they realise that life has to go on and fox will always live on in their hearts and in their memories. It's a bit of a tear jerker but v. nicely done, IMO.
Hi everyone We are back from a few days away and only one incidence of car sickness, great! I will look out for that book you mentioned Rachels but probably couldn't read it to the Dcs without dissolving, so would have to keep it for a while. I was thinking about making a little album of photos for the DCs of photos of my dad with them so they can remember him and talk about him. Ds1 is very blunt and says things like 'Grandad is a dead man now' but I know it is just his way of processing it. I feel it is very unfair that they didn't have him for longer, he was not an old man but at least they did have him for a while. I have to remind myself to be grateful for what we have had and not what could have been. I agree about this thread supporting each other, especially since my DH is not the talking type at all ( in the 3 days we were away he never mentioned my dad once!!). Maybe counselling is something to think about although not sure how to get it or if I need it but blimey, so hard to deal with it all on your own. Waffle waffle, what am I like. best go x
Hiya cath....that thread could have been written by me...all the feelings you are going through are so similar.
Ds went through a phase of saying 'granden died now, Granden not coming back,' etc etc, and yes I'm sure it was a way of processing it, although it really upset my mum, and she hates him to see her cry (although I think it's ok personally. He knows grandma is sad and gives her lots of kisses and cuddles.) He seems to be moving on from that phase a bit.
Got dh peeking and I'm a bit possessive over what I write here so bye for now. xx
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