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I say little, he was 24. He died 5 days after a hit and run accident in the city where he lived. He graduated from uni last year and was still living and working there. He was due to move back home in three weeks time.
He spent 5 days in Neuro ICU battling a serious brain injury but it was too much for him in the end. My parents, other brother (27, I am eldest) and I were with him when he died.
He was the most beautiful, sensitive, kind, energetic and passionate boy. He went for what he wanted and believed in everything he did. I am so angry that he has been taken from us when his life was just getting started. He had everything going for him, and an amazing future ahead of him.
I am getting drunk every night, smoking 5 times more tha normal, and have this huge resentment toward God and the person who hit him. The injustice of it just makes me want to scream out loud. I feel sick to the stomach with grief, and anger, and loss. I wish he could come back. I love him so very much.
The funeral is not until Monday, then we have 10 months before a court case (the driver was handed in by his family members) and an inquest. I can't believe this has happened to us.
oh evansmummy I'm so sorry i've got a little brother in his 30's and he's still my little brother and I'm a very protective big sister - can't imagine what you're going through.
dearest evansmummy, i am truly sorry to hear about your brother. he sounded like a very lovely person and you are right, it is incredibly wrong that he has been taken from you and your family. i just wanted you to know that i am thinking of you
Really sorry for you evansmummy I hope that when the bastard who did it comes to court that they lock him up a very long time. Your brother sounds like he was one in a million. Hugs to you and all your family.
Small comfort I know, but at least on the back of those family members, you have a form of closure and will be able to take comfort from the due process.
My lifelong friend was killed due her stupidity and a drunk driver, she was a passenger......He died also, I did not have a focus, it took me a long time to get over it....
I know it must seem like cold comfort, but the court case will give you closure.
I'm so sorry. My oldest DS is not much younger - nearly 21 - I can't imagine what your family is going through. And I can't imagine losing my own brother.
Funerals do serve a really valuable purpose - the ritual does help you say goodbye. It doesn't help with the injustice of it all. I've lost both my parents - all I can really say is that while you will always miss him, and always feel resentful, it does in time just become part of who you are, part of the baggage you carry around with you, and you do learn to live with it and in time, it won't stop you feeling happy again. In a few weeks, when life on the surface is back to normal, please get some bereavement counselling.
He was one in a million. I miss him so much. Can't believe I'm never gonna see him again. In all his life, I never once had cross words with him, we never fell out. I trusted him with all my secrets, we laughed and shared and played. He was the best uncle, always had time for my ds. It is just so unfair.
I don't honestly know how I'm gonna get through this. Seems to get harder every day.
I'm frightened of the funeral. It will be so final. Many of his friends are coming from uni, college and secondary school. Some are giving eulogies. When there is no longer the funeral to focus on I will feel even more lost than I do now.
Thanks, hassled, I thoroughly plan to get some conselling. I'll need all the help I can get.
It will get harder and harder and then one day it won't be quite so hard,and you will have a good day. Then you will feel guilty for having a good day,and then the rest of your day won't be quite so great.
Then a few days later, you have another good day and it will be a bit longer until you think of him.
It will not mean that you love him or miss him any less, it just means that whether you like it or not, time is healing you.
I am probably not making much sense, but if you need to CAT me, I will do my best to make sense of it.
Oh Evansmummy, I am so sorry, that's just the worst thing. I feel so sorry for you, and for your other brother and your poor parents. My little brother is 25. It's just incomprehensible.
Sorry I don't know what to say. Just take it day by day and use MN whenever you need to let it all out.
evansmumny i dont know if anything i say can offer comfort but i am so sorry. i have younger brothers and i love them so much. i'm also 24.
it is so fucking unfair. you must be so angry. i dont want to underestimate the pain you are in but i'd like to reach out a hand and tell you that you WILL get through this. you just have to take baby steps.
I am surprised that it's getting harder. I thought it would get easier after a few weeks. But I guess you get over the shock and then the reality sets in and that's when it starts to get harder.
I'm making a photo album for Monday for people to leave messages in and I can't bear to look at the photos anymore. I am so angry.
Evansmummy, that's such sad news. What a tragedy. I too am a big sister and my brother is now 34 and will always be my baby brother.I don't know I'd get through such a loss either.
May I make a suggestion for the funeral? Record the service somehow. We had my father in laws funeral earlier this week and the next day my mil asked if we had a recording of it so she could listen again. No one had thought to do this. Listening to those friends eulogies again may bring some comfort to your family and help you remember the wonderful person his friends knew.
You're right that when the grim reality sets in it's really hard. All of it is really hard. You have every right to be angry. But people are extraordinarily resilient. Everything else I want to say just sounds like a platitude - just focus on the funeral for now.
im am so sorry evansmummy i know what you are going through i lost my younger sister too,she was 26 and expecting her second baby.It is devastating and you cant imagine the world is continuing when you are in such depair.The only thing that i can say is although you dont think so at the moment ,life can still be good eventually ,when you have done your grieving, your life will once again be happy ,but in saying that your brother im sure will always be in your heart and one day you will look back and be able to laugh about some of the things he did.It takes a while and there is always a chink missing out of your family chain.i send you my deepest sympathies.x
Evansmummy - I am deeply sorry about your brothers death - so very sorry.
All the things you are feeling are totally normal - sadly I can understand your emotions and thoughts because I have been through a similar tragedy.
There is a thread on MN for bereaved mummies - BUT they are a wonderful group of ladies and would never ignore anyone just because they are not the mummy of a person who has passed away. If you feel up to it I know you would get support from the ladies on the thread. Please have a think about it you would be welcomed and most importantly 'listened to.'
So very sorry for your loss
I will go and link it now and put the link on here for you.
I and scored of people from my church prayed our hearts out for my brother those days he was in hospital. Feel totally abandoned. I trusted God implicitly and I feel like he's let me down.
I am very very sorry for your loss - my DDs are 26 & 23 & my DSs are 20 & 15 and I know the girls would react to the loss of one of the boys in exactly the way you are. Devastating. Hugs.
it is natural to be angry evansmummy.You are tryng to make sense of it all.Why your brother ,why my sister ,what did they ever do to deserve this ?You will feel all sorts of emotions for quite a while.I hope the person who has taken your brothers life is suitably punished ,although I doubt it will make you feel any better .I promise you it does get better ,you will not always feel the way you are at the moment.
The afternoon that my son was killed I screamed the house down 'Please god dont let him die, please god dont let him die.' I chanted that for over an hour. All the way to the hospital in the police car.
I felt like God (or whoever I was shouting to) utterly and totally ignored me. I rocked backwards and forwards - I pleaded with God. I was so angry when Matt died...it took a long time before I calmed down.
I have no faith anymore. Many people find that their faith grows stronger. I still, after 16 years struggle to go into a church for any reason.
evansmummy. I can't begin to know how you are feeling, but I just wanted to let you know that there are plenty of people on here that will listen and support, whenever you need it. I'm choking back the tears, with the though of loosing my brother and wish you much strength in the next few days in particular and onwards. <<<<hugs>>>> Your brothe sounds like a lovely lad and I'm sure he'll be missed by many. Keep talking/posting. That, I know, does help. x
Funny, haven't really posted on MN since ds was a newborn. But i do remember then that it helped.
It's just so cruel.
I'm gonna pop a sleeping pill and knock myself out for 7 hours. Thanks for your posts and sympathy. Comforting to feel the compassion of total strangers. I'd forgotten what an amazing place this is...
when the chips are down, MN really comes into its own, imo. There may be all kinds of full moon stuff going on elsewhere, but when someone calls for help or support, its the greatest place to be.
Take care love, I hope you can get some sleep. You need to look after yourself. One day at a time.
Evans - I am so sorry to read about your loss - I absolutely understand your feelings..it's bleeding hard to cope with all of the emotions you are going & going to go through, expect a massive ride of them similar to that of being on a rollercoaster.
When my dad died, I too went through a phase (in the very early stages of grief)of drinking & smoking way too much. I laughed when I was told that he was dead, I was stunned, I screamed at the top of my lungs 12 hours later, I hoped I would see him again, I thought it was a dream and I was going to wake up, I accepted it, I then hated it and other people, I got even more angrier with the situation that I was facing, I then simply accepted it. (although sometimes I wish I could just see & speak to him even if it was for 3 minutes) It's been 13 years for me almost to the day and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. However, I know you don't want to hear this right now, it does get easier.
One thing I wish I had done and this may help you - I wish I had written a letter to him and a photo of us and put it in his pocket when I saw him in the chapel of rest.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. I remember praying for a close friend (me, my church, his church) and yet he still died aged 18. He'd never been ill a day in his life until the cancer. I was angry at God for a very long time. He was like my brother and he made me laugh like no one else ever has.
God and I got back on speaking terms, but it took a while. He understands your grief and He doesn't mind if you get angry with him. Just know that He never leaves you.
Very sorry, such sadness, I think we all feel it. Wishing you strength to get through this very hard and painful time. I lost a friend in a car accident a year ago this week. The feelings of wanting to 'turn the clock back' still have not gone but the acceptance is there more and more. Best wishes x
Oh my goodness Evansmummy, where the hell do I start ?
Surely there is not a god, he took your brother, he took mine too. BASTARD
I am so pleased for you that your brother made it to his age and had the opportunity to be an Uncle,and for you to see him in that role.
TOTALLY TOTALLY understand the drinking and the smoking, anything to make that gut wrenching hell fade, just for a minute.
I hated that waking up in the morning bit and getting your bearings and realising it was not a dream(nightmare) but in fact true and your truly precious brother had been stolen from you.
I have not long gone past the Anniversary of my brother being gone longer than he was here.
I was blessed to call him my brother for 18 years and 8 months exactly, he has now been gone for 18 years 10 months, one week and one day.
Where the hell did that time go to ?????
Such a cruel way for your brother to be taken, at the hands of someone else, we will never know how he diesor how my cousin and her husband came about drowning on their honeymoon.
I mentioned to a close friend who has posted here already tonight, only yesterday in fact, did she think there was a place for a thread for grieving siblings?
I have been through an awful lot of what you are going through and will do all I can do to help you, answer questions and be here for you to have someone to vent at.
I am glad you have some tablets to help you sleep, sleeping is good, drinking, well thats a conversation for another day !
My email is shazzieb@live.co.uk
Do email if you want but keep posting here, as you can see the support network is amazing and there are many many shoulders to lean on and many ears listening.
I do have to tell you though, and you will think I'm talking a load of twoddle, some how, some when a bit further down the road it gets easier. Still hurts like hell but it gets easier.
Big hugs to you, if I could wrap my arms around you I would
Evans, the funeral is a peculiar time, if there are going to be as many people as you think there will be at the funeral, prepare yourself for more.
For my brother In a crematorium that seats 200 people, the seats were filled, people were stood all around and outside in the waiting area.
Looking back now, there is something bizzarely comforting about it, at the time I thought it was just so bloody sad that ALL of these people were gonna miss him.
I could go on and on (and normally I do) but you need to be taking tiny weeny incey titchy steps right now.
So sorry about your lovely brother. I lost my sister after a asudden asthma attack - she was 5 days in a coma also and on all the machines etc. We donated her organs to three people - 2 kidneys and liver. The recipients are all still alive 11 years on.
I totally get where you are coming from wrt the drinking and smoking and anger with god. it's all part of the grief and shock. Big big hugs your way.
One day you'll wake up and realise that you didn't think about him the day before at all and the guilt will knock your socks off - but after that day things get easier.
After a few years in the wilderness - bursting into tears everywhere and overeating (to stuff emotions down) I gave up overeating, drinking, started to look after myself and meditate and I'm a Buddhist now, and it helps me with all kinds of things. That maybe the path you wish to follow also.
Big hugs to you, you are not alone. How blessed you were to know and love your brother.
evansmummy - how terribly sad for all of you. I can well understand your anger and despair.
shabster - you amaze me. I know you probably don't always feel strong but you come across on here as someone with incredible strength and compassion. My Matthew is almost 7 and is growing into the nickname of Matt.
Like others I too have been in tears at this thread. There seems to be so much sadness around at the moment.
Evansmummy - I had to post when I saw you had lost your brother in a car accident. I lost my mum in a RTA 7 months ago. I know exactly how you are feeling. I know especially about the feelings of anger and injustice. We have just got a court date for September for the other driver. We have still not had an inquest.
There are a whole load of other emotions to deal with than in a "natural" death. There is the knowledge it is someone's fault and could have been avoided and that makes it even harder.
I can't really add to what others have said, all I can say is you WILL come through it but don't expect anything of yourself too soon. Literally just focus on getting through each day. As Bree said, it gets harder and harder then you suddenly have a day when it feels a little better. It has taken me at least 6 months to get to that stage, but you will get there. I had days when I really thought I would never feel happy again and that was just horrendous.
There was so much I wanted to say to my mum so I bought a notebook and wrote a lot of it down, as if writing letters to her. It helped a bit.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I know that feeling of "I can't believe this has happened to our family" - it seems so unbelievable.
What a gut wrenching thread to read - Evansmummy I am SO sorry for your loss - poignant to me as my sister was knocked over 3 years ago and seriously injured but thankfully survived. The feelings I got when I was told of her accident and thought she was dead scared the life out of me - I was sick, I ran away from the person who was telling me, I went into shock, I kept thinking to myself I cannot do this, I cant deal with this and really honestly felt the worst x 100000000000000000 that I have ever felt. THANKFULLY for me, I got the relief at the end that she was alive, Im so sorry that you havent.
I can only imagine that you need to take it one step at a time, one hour at a time.
Do you have any support in looking after litte one whilst you try and look after yourself?
I wouldnt worry about the smoking etc just yet - whatever helps.
Whatshesaid, you are so right that it seems to make it harder because it could have been avoided. My brother was so unlucky - he broke his jaw falling off a fire escape two years ago and last year he was attacked and beaten with a huge bar. And now this. I keep wishing we'd have made him come home after the attack - this would never have happened then.
We have the opportunity to go and see him in the chapel of rest today. I realy don't know if I want to go. I'm having enough trouble with the images of him in hospital and then 20 minutes after he died when he was pale and cold. I don't want to make it worse by going today. But then I'm worried that if I don't go I will regret it. The idea of seeing him dead again really frightens me. I don't know what to do.
It just makes life seem so random doesn't it - that something like this can just happen out of the blue. I went through a stage of thinking "If only she'd left the house 5 minutes later", which doesn't really help but is unavoidable.
I have never felt so angry as I have in these last few months. One book I read suggested physical activities like running, swimming etc to try to get rid of some of the excess emotion. I tmay help tire you out - I found I got pretty bad insomnia in the months afterwards.
I don't know what to say about going to the chapel of rest to view his body. I think in the long term it may help but you should go with your instinct. And you have already seem him and had a chance to say goodbye, so if you really don't want to, just don't.
evansmummy - I lost my "baby" brother very suddenly too. There isn't really much that I can say. It is such early days for you, I can remember what a living hell it was. Please be kind to yourself and let yourself feel the anger and loss. I only have two (small) practical suggestions. One is that in the chapel of rest, your brother might look more "like himself" if you see what I mean. The people there often do a really good job of making the person look nice, which can be more reassuring than seeing them in a hospital bed. It's a very personal thing though, and obviously if you don't want to you, then that's the right thing to do. The other thing is that I put a lot of faith in the legal system and thought that an inquest would give me "closure". I was wrong, and to be honest, I think that I have completely given up on the whole idea of closure, I just don't think that it will ever happen. It's been several years now, since he died and I am definitely doing so much better than I was in the first few. I am now living (for the most part) with the loss and the grief, rather than it dominating me. It has taken longer than I expected, but I think that I'm doing pretty well now (although obviously I still miss him). Anyway, I've rambled on enough. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please don't apologise for rambling! It's important, nd helpful in a way, to share experiences. At least reassures me that what I'm feeling is normal in tis kind of situation.
I really do feel that it is dominating me at the moment. I think of nothing else. Can't bear to be with my ds by myslef - just don't have the patience. And poor dh is suffereing too. I just mope and cry and seethe (sp?) with anger.
We did say goodbye when he was dying, I had my hand on his chest and felt his heart stop beating. Maybe that's enough.
I am heart broken. Don't feel I will ever get over this
evansmummy even if it seems frightening or strange to do now, I think if you do go and seem him in the chapel of rest, you'll be very glad you took that last chance to say goodbye. It will help make it more "final" in your mind (even if that's the last thing you want at the moment), which is an important part of your grieving.
Is there any chance that you can get some bereavement counselling? I had two lots - one just after he died, when everything was so raw, and then another, a couple of years later, when I felt that I was stuck and going round and round in circles (fixated on the same stuff over and over again). I didn't have DD at the time of the death, so I had more time for myself, which I think probably helped. It sounds as though some space to really let it all out might help you too. No wonder you are heartbroken.
evansmummy, i just want to reassure you,that although for you it is very early days you will have better days ahead.I expect it seems that life is over for you ,i know when my sis died i wanted to die with her for a while.But that feeling soon passed.As i said in a previous post,life still can be good but for now just concentrate on one day at a time,then one day you will smile at something and then you will see that yes there are still things that will make you smile.I cannot remember my sis funeral very well because i had to have medication to get through it,maybe your doctor can help you in this way.
evansmummy - I am really, really sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to comprehend what it is like. If I ever lost my brother, I don't know what I would do.
For all those others who have posted on this thread and for the ones that haven't but have also lost - you are all very brave people.
Evansmummy. If you can muster up the strength, do go and see him in the chapel of rest. I lost my sister four years ago, and the image I have of her in the chapel of rest is one of peace, where she was no longer in pain or suffering and looked 'herself' again IYKWIM. You WILL get through this. Drinking, smoking and the suchlike are normal reactions, I think. I did both after my sister went as well. Be strong, and rest assured in the knowledge that nothing will ever be this hard again.
Thank you so much everyone for your posts. And for your bravery in sharing your stories. It helps to know that people have gone through this and come out the other side.
I did go and see my brother today. And it was the right thing to do. he looked so much better than he did in the hospital. And although he didn't quite look himself (for avrious reasons that I can't go into), he looked peaceful. When we cleared his bedrrom last week, he had pined on his wall my wedding photo and a drawing that my dh had given him when he went off to uni. We brought both home, and today we put them back with him in the coffin. It felt right.
I am still hurting today, but some of the anger has gone. I'm guesing it could, and probably will, come back, though.
I'm so glad you got some peace from seeing your brother today.
MrsTittlemouse made a very good point about the grief - you don't ever completely get over it, but it stops dominating your life and you start to live with it. Try to hold on to the thought that it will get better and it may make the hard days a little more bearable.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel as if your heart will break. It will feel better. This is the hardest part. Take each breath, each moment, each hour and each day, one at a time. Slowly it will become easier. Try and remember he loved you and knew you loved him. In the end that is what matters most.
evansmummy,i am so glad that you went to see your brother.I know for some its not right but for me it was very important,and like you i was glad because i knew then that she really was at peace.She actually didnt look ill anymore and i prefer that picture in my mind rather than the one in the hospital on a life support system.I am quite a few years on from where you are at the moment,but we still all talk about her all the time,she is still my sister she just dosent live here anymore.At the time you wonder how you manage to eat a meal ,do the washing and shopping when such an awful thing has happened,but even these little things show you that life does in fact carry on.I really feel for you at this time as i have been there and know the anguish you are in.x
Hi evansmummy, I love that you put the photograph and drawing in with your brother, very poignant and the right thing to do.
I have so much to say to you to try and reassure you that you will get through this, the journey is bloody hard but the road gets less windy and complicated. Every now and then you hit a bump and it will remind you of him, the bumps get smaller too.
I struggled to put on the brave face for the first year and then when the Anniversary came up I hit the wall, disintegrated into a thousand pieces.
Counselling and AD's helped.
MN is my pick me up now. I am glad you have come on here and shared this painful experience with us.Sending love to all your family at this awful time and wishing you strength for Monday.
Just out of interest where do you live, if you can say ?
My dad was killed in a hit and run too. I hope it will be a comfort to you that you will see who did this to your brother being brought to justice (they never found the driver who hit my dad).
I know it's a bit soon, but when it goes to court, ask the police liasion about the process called 'restorative justice.' It's where victims (you) and criminals are able to communicate and perhaps it would help if you could direct your anger.
You will get through it - some days are worse than others but it does less traumatic.
I've known a family shattered by a drink and hit and run driver, my friend, their son and brother, sounds just like your brother. Nicest guy you could possibly ever meet. There wasn't enough space in the chapel for all the mourners.
It takes time. So be kind to yourselves - it's okay to be angry at everyone and everything right now.
So sorry evansmummy. I had a little brother. He died when he was 6. That was 21 years ago. I still miss him - but it does eventually get easier. Promise.
oh evansmummy this is my first look at this sad thread. firstly I am so very sorry to hear about your sweet little brother. However grown they are ( I have 2 younger) they are always my little brothers. I just wanted to reassure you about the rush of mad feelings you experience after losing a dearly loved person. I experienced god denial that persists 17 years on anger hatred fear pure all consuming grief drinking whisky smoking one after the other insomnia when you've lost someone there is no script on what to do. Grief is both individual and shared.
It will take time but perhaps one day you may think the selflessness of the the family who handed the driver in. They too have lost something, but that is too raw for you, save it til later. I only say that as a bystander with perspective. I hope you are, I know you must be wrenched with pain. Take precious care x x.
Thank you again all so so much for these posts. I am finding comfort in reading them even if I'm not posting much.
VS - I live in Bucks. Would like to get some counselling, and plan to look into it after the funeral.
At the moment I detest the driver, even if it was just a terrible accident (he apparently wasn't speeding, nor was he drunk, although there are no independent witnesses at the moment). I couldn't even bear to be in the same room as him at the moment. But maybe that will change over time.
Yesterday was a better day but I feel dreadful today. Going to my pqrents now for Fathers' Day lunch. My poor dad...
I will keep posting, even if it is sporadic. And I appreciate and will continue to appreciate the support. My emotions change every day, every minute, and that's part of what is so hard.
evansmummy. just checking in again. sad to hear you are dreading tomorrow. but it is a very important part of the grieving process.
you need to be there and draw strength from the people you love that will be standing there with you. you need, for now, to feel, to howl, to keen and to express your pain as much as you can.
you need to let the cup spill over as it were, the cup of suffering you hold in your heart. and then you can take each day to heal slightly and remember your beautiful brother.
'When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight' -Kahlil Gibran
Hi Evansmummy - I don't know whether you and your family are religious, but I found the whole ritual comforting. (my dad was killed in a hit and run) Family is Catholic, so it was a funeral mass.
There were lots of family I hadn't seen for awhile, and in a sense there is the dichotomy between joy and sorrow. Joy at seeing so many people who loved my dad at some stage of his life, and sorrow for obvious reasons.
Try not to think of the funeral as final. It's merely a process of putting grief into some sort of order.
maybe you could plan a memorial service for your brother at a later stage on your terms, for when you feel ready? And to celebrate the essence of your brother and how you want to remember him? Maybe just you and your close family?
The main thing is not to feel that events are out of your control.
I don't blame you for dreading it. The only "good" thing about the funeral is that you will see how many people were touched by him and his life, and how much they all cared for him, and miss him. It is still a (small) comfort to me now. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.
Thanks all so much. We are expecting to see a lot of young people there - from his school and college and uni.
My Dad said this evening that he was scared of tomorrow but that we would all be there together and that was the most important thing right now. I love my family so much, there is just a big gaping hole where he should be.
So Sorry - but be strong for him. He's not far away --- in the next room --- Remember to talk about him , Don't be scared - take heart from the people who come to see him off.. the young ones especially will remember him.. as well as your family
Will be thinking of you today evansmummy - and of your family. So sad to know that your Dad is scared of today. It is unnatural to have to bury your child. Totally unnatural.
