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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Stillbirth underway - unable to cope

60 replies

madal · 15/09/2006 21:25

Hi

I hope you can help. My sister is now giving birth to her baby which died earlier this morning at 40 weeks.

I really don't know what do or say. My husband is being lovely, but I obviously can't contact my beautiful, lovely sister until this is all over. But what can I do then?

I also have a six year old daughter who asked earlier when her new cousin is coming and I didn't know what to say.

I can't say anything becasue I just start crying. I can't stop.

What can I do? I want to be the best person in the world for my sister and her husband who I love more than anything but I have no idea what I can do? How can I help?

I hope she never reads this as I don't want her to know I am a mess - she is the one who has to cope with the biggest hole you can imagine in her soul for ever.

But they had everything ready for this, their much longed-for baby - the nursery, toys, clothes, names and everything. A real baby. A person.

How can I help her? I don't know where to start. She has been through so much in her life already this is just so unfair and I am scared for her.

Can anyone help?

Any advice on how I can tell my daughter what's happened?

How can I be useful in this time of awfullness?

Sorry to be so sad. I hope someone can help

OP posts:

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Jaffacake1 · 15/09/2006 21:28

You just have to be there for her.

Just get in contact and tell her you love her and you will be ready when she is to talk.

God I am so sorry for you all, anything like this affects the whole family not just the mother.

Tell your daughter the little one is an angel in heaven and it was not her time.

lots of love to you guys, be strong for her

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 15/09/2006 21:29

aw madal

I do not know, I am so sorry

but thinking of you

x

Beauregard · 15/09/2006 21:31

So so sorry madal

Medulla · 15/09/2006 21:31

don't know what to say

mears · 15/09/2006 21:32

How sad for you all . Be honest with your daughter and tell her that the baby has died and won't be coming home. Be there for your sister when she wants to talk. Let her talk about her baby- she will be encouraged to have photographs and hand and footprints taken. Perhaps she might want you to see them. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it all. this site may be helpful

Jaffacake1 · 15/09/2006 21:33

actually, honesty with your daughter is better than my idea, Mears is correct.

buktus · 15/09/2006 21:36

this is so awful i feel so sad for you never been in this position but i would prob say what the last thread had been, i think you have to speak to her soon so she knows you are there when she is ready sometimes if you leave it for a few days it could make her feel worse like people are avoiding the subject, i am sure you will be so useful to her especially for the little baby funeral, i know you can get great books explaining death for children, try amazon or wh smith, i keep writing things and then deleting i dont know what else to say just be there for them in whatever whey you can for her and him as dads can often get a bit left out in this situation

buktus · 15/09/2006 21:36

this is so awful i feel so sad for you never been in this position but i would prob say what the last thread had been, i think you have to speak to her soon so she knows you are there when she is ready sometimes if you leave it for a few days it could make her feel worse like people are avoiding the subject, i am sure you will be so useful to her especially for the little baby funeral, i know you can get great books explaining death for children, try amazon or wh smith, i keep writing things and then deleting i dont know what else to say just be there for them in whatever whey you can for her and him as dads can often get a bit left out in this situation

Twinkie1 · 15/09/2006 21:40

My sister lost a baby at 24 weks and had to go through the birth - I am sure your sister will find comfort in you showing your emotion she won't expect you to hold it altogether as that would be sort of acting like everything is ok when it isn't. Remember her husband too he needs as mucg love and support as she does and he will probably feel a bit left out and hold his emotions in whilst trying to support her. Grieve together - you have lost someone too.

As for the baby being a real person - it still is - and you have to acknowledge that and greive for him/her.

I got a few books for my sister from some lovely mumsnetters advice - Empty Cradle Broken Heart was particularly useful I remember my sister saying (you can get it on amazon) and I also upon Marinas advice bought her a beautiful carved box where she could put pictures of the baby, hospital tags and other things that she wanted to keep. Buying a tree is also a good way of remembering a life however short or a rose bush.

As for your daughter - I think maybe the truth would be the best option - but sugar coat it as much as you can - or go and see your priest - if you are that way inclined they are very good at that sort of thing - DDs is attached to her school and was a great help.

I think its SANDS that are the counselling group that you can get in touch with for help and advice at times like this.

Hope some of that helps.

Twinkie X

morningpaper · 15/09/2006 21:42

so sorry madal

mumtogusnalbie · 15/09/2006 21:50

I am so so sorry to hear what your family are going through. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 17 weeks and my biggest regret is not taking some proper photographs. The hospital took some but only with a polaroid and they are very blurry but all I have.
If you don't think your sister has a camera with her then I suggest you take one to the hospital because even if she doesn't think it now, she will want some special, clear photos later. Please don't leave it until it is too late.
Lots of love to you, your sister, your daughter and all your family.
Lindsey

aitch71 · 15/09/2006 21:53

so very sorry madal

KristinaM · 15/09/2006 22:00

Please be as honest as you can with your DD. Our 6yo DD lost her older brother last year. Kids can be very practical and literal about these things, so its best to be as clear as possible. Tell her that teh baby was living inside her aunt and until today everyone thought it was fine . You will have a name for the baby soon I expect so you can call him / her by name. tell her that today teh baby stopped moving ( or whatever happened) and her aunt went to the hospital and they told her teh baby had died. No one knows why.Everyone is very sad, especially her aunt and uncle. They will be sad for a long time.

be careful not to say there was anything wrong with the baby. partly coz you dont knwo that yet (i expect) and also you dont want her to imagine that the baby looks strange in some.

She might ask all sorts of quetions that you cant answer and just tell her you dont know. I hope you will be able to see the baby yourself as its helps the grieving.

If you dont want her to go to the funeral you will need to help her say goodbye in some other way

weeonion · 15/09/2006 22:21

madal - i really feel for you. my friend had an experience like this 2 years ago when the baby died 3 days before edu. what she said she found most helpful was knowing that people cared and werent avoiding her. she knew that no-one erally knew what to say / do but the fact that they were there for support was the main thing. also - they had named the baby adam and it helped when people referred to him as that.

thoughts are with you all
hugs

sorrell · 15/09/2006 22:23

When it is all over your sister might want to contact the charity SANDS - stillbirth and ante-natal death - it helped a friend of mine who lost her first baby at term. She went on to have three healthy children. She still remembers her first and he is often talked about, but she is a happy person these days.

madal · 15/09/2006 22:25

I am really touched by your responses. I and my husband have read your answers and already we are getting some structure back to help us deal with the day, weeks and months to come.

We will explain it to our six year-old tomorrow -I cannot hold out on this much longer and it will give us time to answer her questions/deal with her sadness over the weekened before school begins on Monday. All your ideas about how to break the news are so very helpful. If I said I loved you, would that be too much??!!

My sister is still in labour or has recently delivered the baby. I have not heard from her. She will be in mourning for some time I expect. When I do get the call about what happened - how can I respond?

Do I send flowers? Do I call her? Do I write? Do I get on a train? She is 500 miles away from me and I have two children to care for so I need to plan this one - but that's where I want to be - but will I be of any use?

What can I say or do?

There's no right way to deal with this, but I want my sister happy - one day - the happy, lovely girl she is, enjoying the little things in life, like a good film, a meal, a thunderstorm from the back window onto her garden or plums from her plum tree. Can we ever get there again now? I love her so much it hurts. And her husband too. Can there ever be a "normal" again - ever?

I can't stop crying, sorry. I love my sister. I love her. You are all so kind for supporting me.

OP posts:

buktus · 15/09/2006 22:27

i would say that she would prob love to hear your voice and be comforted but if that trip is possible she would prob love your arms around her a thousand times more

UrsulatheSeaWitch · 15/09/2006 22:30

Tell her what you've told us, that you want to come, that you love her, that you want to do whatever will help her, and then let her tell you what she needs and when.

madal, you are a wonderful sister and she will know and appreciate that. So, so sad for all of you (large lump in throat writing this ).

sorrell · 15/09/2006 22:31

yes, she can be that person again. My friend definitely is. She has three now and gets as exasperated as any of us with them!
Send her flowers,and send her a card to say you are so sorry for the loss of her beautiful child, and that she will always be his mother and he was truly loved. Talk about him or her to her so she feels he is not forgotten. Make a note of his birthday and send her a card on that day next year.

Twinkie1 · 15/09/2006 22:32

Madal life will be normal again but thats not to say she won't always miss her child and will think about what he/she would be doing at a certain age.

I would go and see her - just go in and hug her, cry with her and talk to her about it all - talk, talk, talk and hug her so much - that will be as much as you can do.

Here are the books that i spoke about that I bought for my sister. She said they really helped although I wrapped them up and gave them to her and told her what they were but said to open them when she feels ready to read them.

An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death (Paperback)
by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser

I'll Hold You in Heaven: Healing and Hope for the Parent Who Has Lost a Child Through Miscarriage, Still Birth, Abortion or Early Infant Death by Jack W. Hayford

Empty Arms: Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death by Sherokee Ilse

QueenPeaHead · 15/09/2006 22:33

oh madal, I'm so sorry, this is terrible for you all.

what I've heard every single person who has lost a child this way or later say, is that the most helpful thing going forward is for people to remember the child, and talk about him/her by name. They find it tragic that people seem to treat it as a taboo subject, or even worse, that the child didn't exist, the tragedy didn't happen. I have a colleague who had a stillbirth at 40 weeks, and about 2 years later she said "you know, I love that you tell me that you were thinking about Josh the other day and wondering what he would be like now, hardly anyone else ever uses his name".

something to remember for the future.
xxx

KristinaM · 15/09/2006 22:40

yes you need to tell your DD as asap, she will be very worried because she will knwo you are upset but wont know why. Kids are all different, she may not seem "sad" at all, just factual. But then be really upset about it in a few hours, or days or weeks.

Kids can also ask lots of questions that are upsetting to us. like what does the baby look like ? will they have another baby? What will happen to the baby now?

Someone told me that for adults, grief is like wading across a a very wide river. It seems to go on for ever and it can feel overwhelming. For children its like jumping in a puddle. They can be devastated, then 5 mins later out playing as normal.Its not they are unfeeling, they just deal with it differently

kama · 15/09/2006 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MamaG · 15/09/2006 22:45

Im so sorry madal, can only echo the excellent advice youhave had. Thinking of you and your family

madal · 15/09/2006 22:50

Your responses keep on helping -thanks!

My mum as just called to say that nobody can get any answer from my sister or her dh. Guess now is when they are going through their pain.

I'm going to light a candle in my heart that will burn forever. I love them so much. I will remember their baby forever. Nothing will be the same again.

That's life for you?

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