Ds' grandad has passed away...I don't know how to help him :(

[HiccupHaddockHorrendous]

My dear step-father passed away yesterday, unexpectedly.

Ds (11yrs) is desperately sad and I don't know what to do. Other family members keep telling me what I should do but all their advice is conflicting and I'm doubting my ability to do the right thing.

I am a CM and have cancelled all my children for the week so I can go and be with my mum and to support ds.

My plan is to keep ds off school tomorrow and possibly for the week, if necessary but if he's up to it then I'll send him in sooner. He hasn't stopped crying since he found out and I can't see that sending him to school will be a good distraction (as has been suggested).

Ds has the opportunity to go and see his grandad in the hospital. I couldn't see him yesterday, my mum and dsis did but I just couldn't go in and I don't know whether to ask ds what he wants to do or just not mention it.

Finally, the funeral. My grandma died when I was a similar age to ds and the choices made for me regarding the funeral caused a huge family rift. Members of the family have made it clear what they think I should do re taking ds (or not) and I just feel so torn and confused.

The most important thing to me is to support ds as best as I possibly can. I know it's good for him to let it all out and it's very early days but what can I do to help him feel better?

[ajandjjmum]

Sorry for your loss.

My Dad died when DS was 10, and we told the DC a couple of days before that he wouldn't get better, and they knew the night before that he was likely to die soon. DS didn't show his upset, and infact went on a pre-planned school trip, which meant he couldn't go to the funeral. We gave him the choice, and he asked what Dad would have said. I know my Dad would have said 'get off and have a great holiday!'

Even now, 11 years later, DS will occasionally ask 'what would Grandad think/do?'

You are doing absolutely the right thing in supporting your DS, but I'm not sure that having a week off school will be hugely helpful, as it might help him more to be occupied? Having said that, he's your son, and you know his character.

Forget what everyone else wants, talk to your DS, and do what you and he feel is right.

[Snog]

My dd had a week off school and this was right for her. I phoned a bereavement charity re advice for dd and would recommend this as helpful. She was very upset and really struggled at school as her friends just didn't understand what she was going through and she felt isolated.
your DS should be able to decide himself re the funeral imo and should perhaps have a nominated adult to support him who is not themself grieving.
Sorry for your loss

[HiccupHaddockHorrendous]

Thank you, both.

Ajandjj - does your ds regret going on that trip? I'm in no way suggesting he should, just interested to know. I wasn't given the choice when my grandma died. My dad said I shouldn't go and I should remember her as she was. Unfortunately, my parents had recently divorced (extremely acrimoniously) and my mother decided she wanted to go and took me with her so she wasn't alone. I'm kind of pleased I went but it caused huge upset and I wasn't really supported through it. I know this probably has a lot to do with what is causing my inability to know what to do.

The school thing I will just take one day at a time. He also has three hospital appointments over the week which he'd be missing some school for already.

Snog - I'll look into bereavement charities, thanks. Also, great suggestion re someone else to support him. I know exactly the person.

[Snog]

It's a really difficult time. I found a book about how to support your child in shared grief and will see if I can look out the title.

[ajandjjmum]

Hiccup
DS probably has mixed feelings - but knows that Dad would have said 'GO' very loudly! DD probably gets more irritated by it, as she is just a year younger, and we (probably wrongly) didn't give her the option to go, as her older brother wasn't going to be there.

I agree the supporter idea would be great. DS was asked to support a friend of his at his father's funeral just a year later, and DH went along to look after them both. It helped to have someone just a little distant from the person who had died, who obviously wouldn't be grieving in the same way.

Look after yourself. x

[ajandjjmum]

Another quick thought, both DC came to the burial of the ashes, which comprised of a few prayers in Church, and then the burial - so they weren't excluded from everything. It's fair to say though that it was only immediate family there, and we were more in control of our grief by that point, as it was a couple of months later.

[HiccupHaddockHorrendous]

Snog - thanks, I'd be grateful

Ajandjj - thank you for sharing that

[HiccupHaddockHorrendous]

I've just had a look at Cruse and feel reassured about supporting ds.

He stayed home from school yesterday but has gone back today and seems to be coping well.

It feels right to give him the option of whether to attend the funeral or not but I don't know when to have the conversation with him. We don't even have a date yet.

I tried to talk to him yesterday about how I remember Grandad (he had a very cheeky sense of humour) but ds was really not keen to talk about him so I left it. I want him to feel he can talk about him but equally don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

I've just contacted my local branch of Cruse so hopefully they'll be able to offer some advice.

[Snog]

The book is The journey through grief and loss, helping yourself and your child when grief is shared. By Robert Zucker.
Recognising you need to support your child is excellent mothering imo.
My child needed more support in the weeks after the funeral but seemed to cope well at the funeral. Now I realise she supported others at the funeral but nobody supported her

[Andro]

I want him to feel he can talk about him but equally don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

Keep the lines of communication open and reassure him that he can talk to you at any time, just be aware that he may need time to process what has happened before he feels able to talk about it/about his Granddad.

As long as you react to your DS rather than try to impose a grieving process you won't go too far wrong.

[Andro]

Just to add, the death was unexpected to the natural shock of a death has been magnified significantly - the shock may well be what your DS is processing right now.

I'm sorry fo your loss and for you and your family.

[Nocleverusername]

My DS lost his adored grand mother and then suddenly his best friend within 3 months of each other. A friend gave me Sad by Michael Rosen (he lost his DS very suddenly) it's aimed at younger children than my DS but he (and I) find it very comforting.

[Joysmum]

We buried my FIL last week, my daughter is also 11. We never protected her from anything. We weren't ever going to try not to cry or be upset, if we weren't upset, how could she have felt able to be?

One great thing is to get a shoe box and have him decorate it and fill it with memories if the person who died. Make it clear that the person lives on in the way they have changed our lives for the better and that sharing thoughts and memories is to be encouraged.

My dd was scared that being dead would hurt, some believe in heaven I don't but it's a good time to think about that and discuss if that's a concern. For me, I said we'd all been not alive before we were born. Others mat deal with it differently, time to think about that though.

[hockeymama]

www.achildofmine.co.uk/The-story-of-the-Dragonfly/I8.htm
I use this with my pupils (by giving it to their parents to use if they want). Parents often say it helped them come to terms with feeling left behind or angry for not knowing where they are. At 11 your son is almost a young man and more than old enough to decide for himself so long as he has you by his side and knows it is natural for you both to cry and be upset. Our school councillor advocates that the child should be given lots of 1:1 time just doing normal stuff like family football, walks baking etc and not to push discussions on death too early with children because they can only take in a bit at a time and they will ask when ready. My kids attended at ages 4, 7, and 9 and each of them took it in at different levels but it was positive for them to have that last occasion to share with their extended family to honour and celebrate a special persons life.