Almost 8 months on...

[LollipopViolet]

I can't believe it, but today, almost 8 months after my granddad, my rock, my dad in every way barring DNA, passed away, and I've taken a big step.

I saw a leaflet for a local bereavement counselling service, and took one. Then later, I was at a work programme meeting, and when we'd finished, I asked if there was a quiet room where I could use a phone.

They set me up in one, and I called the number on the leaflet. I spoke to a lovely lady, and I'm now on their waiting list.

I can't believe I've done it.

I've been feeling for a while that I never truly grieved, or finished grieving, but I didn't want to go through my GP (I live at home with my gran, mum and uncle and didn't want to worry them by making a GP appointment, or stress them out by saying I was struggling).

It hit me, when the lady on the phone said, "So, right now, how're you coping?" and I gave an answer that basically translated to, "I'm not."

And I'm really not. I'm struggling, but putting on a brave face for the world.

Because it's been 8 months, and I think the world will think I should be OK now. And I'm not.

I'm not OK.

And now, I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen when I get my appointment through. But, at least I'm on the list, and having made that call, I do feel a bit better.

[fusspot66]

Well done!

[LollipopViolet]

I just don't understand. I don't understand why, for months I've been feeling "OK-ish" but the last month or two, it's just got worse.

I thought time healed, time just seems to be making things more painful, for me. Maybe it was because I was thrown back into a job I hated two days post-bereavement, and then had to use my own holiday time for his funeral. I mentioned leaving my job to the lady on the phone, and she said, "Oh, that's another loss then, really."

I never thought of it like that, before.