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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Coming upto due date....and cant have any more children

46 replies

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 11:15

Hi,

i have 2 boys, and i am v v v thankful.

however i had a m/c in march and my baby was due on 23 sept. i was 4 weeks early with the other 2, so i would probably have had or be having him now.

i had to have an op 1mth ago which has left me infertile. at the tim ei thought the op was a good idea (for various reasons) and i know it still is.

but coming upto the due date i feel so down. no one seems to realise why i feel down. even my DH doesnt 'get it' .

someone tell me when this date passes i will feel better. i love my boys, but so badly wanted another.

we bought a rose after it happened and i repotted it and it died, but i couldnt throw it away even though my dad (a gardener) said its dead and to throw it. the past few days it has green leaves on and is literally coming back to life! now i know this is silly and coincidence but that has made me feel better.

i got lots of old clothes down last ngiht and found tons of maternity wear in there from the boys, and i was crying outside away from DH as i know i will never have my OWN BABY to hold again.

someone tell me this will get better.

thanks for reading.

cx

OP posts:

Report

katzg · 23/08/2006 11:17

don't know what to say but wanted you know that someone is listening.

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 11:18

[SAD] thank you xxxx

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jabberwocky · 23/08/2006 11:19

Anniversaries of loss can be devastating. It is even harder when you feel that others don't understand. I think it is lovely that your rose is coming back. What a beautiful sign for you. Are there any support groups in your area? Could you go to a therapist? Are there any methods such as IVF which would help you conceive? (sorry if that's too nosy)

Above all, keep posting. It really does help.

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 11:28

JABBERWOCKY, thanks. i have andometriosis and polycystic ovaries along with 10days of heavy bleeding and abnormal crmaping each month. i had a laparoscopy, diathermy, endometrial ablation and sterilisation. decided ont he sterilisation as if you have the ablation they remove/burn the lining of your womb. you could technically still fallpreg, but would not get to term, not even viable and i couldnt stand the though of having a late m/c say at 20+weeks. so i decided id rather not have anymore if it meant the risk of having such a late m/c.

we have talked about adoption. but i think we just need to be 'us as a 4' for the moment and see where tihngs take us.

there prob are counsellors and i know i can get them through the insurance via work. maybe i should book and go and talk things through with someone.

cx

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jabberwocky · 23/08/2006 11:34

Oh, that is final, isn't it? I think you are right in waiting on adoption. It's always an option for you but such a big decision that a little extra time is never a bad idea. I think therapy at this point would be excellent. I've been seeing a wonderful counsellor for the past year for PTSD and I can't tell you the difference it has made in my life and my relationship with my family. It's especially nice to be able to talk to someone who is outside of the situation, unlike your dh, who may have issues about it but doesn't want to/can't express them. You know how men can be...

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 11:36

True japperwocky! maybe its something that i should do, it may help me resolve other issues aswell. thank you.

cx

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jabberwocky · 23/08/2006 11:45

Anytime

lrkids · 23/08/2006 11:47

CarlyP I went through this last year, I too was due on 23 sept but had my daughter in april. This time last year I felt at the lowest I have ever been, but looking back the run up to my due date was worse than the due date itself. I do not know if anyone else has felt like this.
The rose coming back to life is wonderful. When I look back now things are better than they were but I still think about and miss my daughter everyday.
I don't know if this makes sense to you but if you want to chat, let me know and I'll send you my email address, it does help to be able to talk to people. x

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 11:49

irkids, would love to spk to you.

carly (dot) poyser (at)uk (dot) bnpparibas (dot) com

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lrkids · 23/08/2006 11:58

Thats fine, I've really got to go now (sorry)but I'll email you later so you have my address x

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 12:00

thank you x

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Galmum · 23/08/2006 12:19

Dear CarlyP,

It must be a really hard time for you, but you have to believe it will get better and it will - sometimes people expect you to get over m/c or bevreament quicker than is comfortable for you. The control has been taken away from you....it's not your decision any longer about having a 3rd child...and that's tough.

I'm sure it's hard when people say appreciate what you've got but I hope my story really gives that some meaning. Our little boy died of cancer this June and we've been on a rollercoaster for 2 years of hope and treatment, and then desparation when we knew the cancer had returned for a second time. We'd been trying for another baby for a little while with no success, and it was so hard thinking that my dh and I may never have any more children. Delightfully in the midst of the most stressful time of our lives, I fell pregnant and it was wonderful to tell our little boy before he died. We feel this pregnancy is so precious and fragile and we'll be grateful to have a healthy child, though I'm sure we would love to try for more.

Before my son fell ill at 15 months, I was thinking about having 3 kids and it never occured to me that the choice may not be mine and dh's, but that mother nature might control what happened to us. In the end I would have given up all future children to have not lost my little boy.

We can't control everything in our lives...we just have to deal with things the best we can. I have good days and fun times and some horrendous days....I'm just keeping going in the belief that dh and I will come to terms with it all somehow.

My best advice is to find friends or family that don't try to make things better or solve your all your problems when you want to talk - you need to grieve...it's got to be your decision to suddenly see life as good again and feel grateful for your boys, rather than people telling you to. I hope that makes sense. I'm sure as a loving mum and wife you've got so much to give. You'll find the right way to channel the love and energy that was meant for baby no3, into your family, friends and society. I'm doing a 5km fun run (well power walk!) to raise money for charity and that's helping me feel better.

Hope that helps....keep going and try to have some good times. Best of luck.

Galmum xx

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 12:31

Galmum,

firstly, words cannot say how sorry i am for your loss. im sure your little boy was very lucky to have such a wonderful mummy the short time he was here, and you must be very proud to have him as your son.

i will channel my energy and am trying to do this everyday. i so appreciate the wonderful things i have got, but have never greived for what i 'thought' i was meant to have.

your plight and your son have certainly helped me get things in perspective.

good luck with your pregnancy. wishing all the very best health. and remember you will always have your son, you will have 2 children no matter what anyone else says.

cx

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rubles · 23/08/2006 13:45

Carly I have just been past my due date and I echo what someone else said here the antipation was worse for me than the actual day. There were many tears in the month leading up to it, but on the actual day I was fine. I did little things as acts of remembrance on my own and that was enough. Felt quite calm after that to be honest & still do now. I hope it's the same for you.

Galmum · 23/08/2006 13:51

Dear CarlyP,

Thanks for your support. I really hope things improve for you after the due date.

My friend had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and then found it was a molar pregnancy, so she had 6 months of follow up tests. A lot of people, mainly her M and MIL!!, thought she should be over it all by the due date and not keep going on about it. You can imagine how helpful she found that, but I think it's a common theme! I think sometimes the lack of understanding, particulary in her case from the older generation, made it worse, as she felt she had to hide the fact she was upset. She felt the due date was a real focus and things really improved afterwards for her, although still she still finds M and MIL will go out of their way to avoid the subject completely!

It's terrible to lose a baby or a child or a loved one and it's made harder when people try to erase that part of your life. I hate it when people avoid saying my son's name, like it will make it easier for me! Have you thought about some marking the due date with dh in some way - it might be upsetting but lovely to say goodbye properly. Only an idea!

Galmum x

mrsdarcy · 23/08/2006 14:02

I'm sorry about your loss, CarlyP, and that you are going through such a painful time.

September is a hard time for me as well as my daughter should be 2 years old then. She died when I was 19 weeks pregnant.

Looking back, the run-up to her due date was the worst. The day itself was something to get over with, and I didn't mark it in any special way. It's the first clear milestone for you and milestones are always very difficult. You may not feel better after it, but hopefully you will feel less of the tension and anticipation you feel now.

CarlyP · 23/08/2006 14:22

Thanks for your support.

I have thought about doing something to mark the day, but i jsut cant think of what really. i was thinknig a nice family day, maybe go for a boat ride, go to the forest an maybe a nice lunch/dinner as a way of 'celebrating' it iyswim.

i spoke to my mumand she said 'oh it was for the best'.........the best for who.....so i know what you mean. she even told me she was having a heavy period when i was loosing it.........like it was the same thing.

im sure things will get better. i know they will really, but its jsut this next month or so that i want to pass so i can feel its ok to let go.

i hope one day ill be a mummy to another little one, although not sure what my boys would think about that!!!!

thanks everyone. ive kept the tears at bay. but then i never really cried when it was happening, just started smoking again. must give that up now!

sorry for your losses mrsdarcy and rubles. xxx

cx

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CarlyP · 24/08/2006 23:20

feeling a bit down again, but got 2mrw with my boys (not at work) so going to try and enjoy.

irkids, got your mail, added you to msn.

cxxx

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triplets · 27/08/2006 00:39

Hello,
Just seen this thread and its made me feel so sad for you Carlyp, I can almost feel your pain in your written words. There is no rhyme or reason I believe why these sad things should happen, but its very hard to accept. You may know my story, my only child died without warning in 1994, Matthew was almost 15. We had been trying for another baby for years before, it just never happend. Then after 3 ivf attempts at the age of 46 I gave birth to triplets, Rebecca, Thomas and James! My life is now almost full again, I believe I am as happy as I could be, but there is always a shadow of sadness, a longing always for Matthew. I believe you have to try and accept what has happened, there is nothing we can do to change that, what we can do is to go on, for our precious childs sake, and for our precious children here with us now. Keep hope and love in your heart, xxxxx

CarlyP · 27/08/2006 20:39

triplets,

thank you for posting. you sound amazingly strong. i appreciate your kind words.

thank you

cx

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triplets · 27/08/2006 21:42

Hello CarlyP,
The word strong is so often said, I don`t know if I am, certainly the first two years after Matthew died I never found any "strength", never wanted to be here. Looking back you wonder how you have survived, its just the most terrible pain and experience you could ever have to live with, yet somehow you do. The strength I like to think comes to me from Matthew, and now my beloved Dad, but nothing can ever take away the ache in my heart. This is my life, this is what I live with, I know of others whose pain is worse, I never had to watch my child die of some terrible illness. I hope you understand me, and I have also found the need to find something good come out of something so awful. I am lucky to have very good friends, some my age, some much older and now some much younger, all these friends I have met through Matthews death, they are very special to me. The problem is I want it all, Matthew, Rebecca, Thomas and James, my old life and yet my new one.
xxxx

CarlyP · 27/08/2006 23:09

i too have been finding my own 'something good' to come out of this. i am a much more patient mum to my boys, more fun, and more tender and less 'rushed' over everything we do. and the need to be like that has only come from this experience. i hope i find some sort of 'peace' within myself, im sure i will.

thank you, thank you so much.

cx

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triplets · 28/08/2006 20:19

Hi CarlyP,
Been thinking about you so glad I`ve heard from you. Perhaps its because my surname is Peace, often people say.. Oh what a lovely name. You will find some eventually, its not something you can rush, even now I can find myself suddenly taking a step back again, a piece of music, seeing a film that he used to love, this huge lump comes into my throat and the tears start. But as time goes on, I do cry less, which can only be a good thing, in the first few years I felt as though I would cry forever, so I have moved on. Then even by admitting that I feel a stab of guilt as though I should still be crying for him, though he would never want that. Hope you have had a better day today, xxxx

CarlyP · 28/08/2006 20:46

hi triplets,

we took the boys out to woburn abbey today, and the cloud seems to have 'shifted', not quite 'lifted' yet, but definitely it has been a better day.

hope you have a fun day with your little monsters!!!!

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triplets · 29/08/2006 22:49

Hello CarlyP,
Just thought Id have a quick look on here before I fall into my bed! My two boys have been "monsters" today, just dont know what to keep getting up to, Rebecca hasn`t felt very well, so all she wanted was some peace and quiet, no chance! How old are your boys, mine are of course all the same age, 8! Glad you saw the clouds shift a little today, its made me think that thats what this grief is like, its like the sky, huge, sometimes black with heavy rain, like tears, sometimes cloudy, but with little patches of blue sneaking thru, to give you hope, then sometimes gloriously clear with the sun on your face, thats when you know that despite everything its good to be here with those you love. Night night, and hope you sleep well, xxx

Flip

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