Feeling GUILTY - FIL just died

[Quootiepie]

my DH just rung and his dad has just died... and because of me the last 2 years they have had a really bad relationship, and have barely talked, whereas before me they were very close. I am feeling so so so so so guilty riht now and really dont know what to do!!!

[LaTutteuse]

sorry to hear this QP. poor dh.

i understand that you're feeling guilty, but ask yourself: is it really because of you that they weren't speaking? i imagine there's a story there, and that all parties have to share responsibility.

i hope you all get through the coming weeks and months ok. xx

[sarahinphuket]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm not really sure what to advise you, but I wanted to let you know that someone is thinking of you

xxx

[Medulla]

Oh Quootipie I am really sorry for you and your husband. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I can't. You just need to be there for your husband right now I guess, I'm so sorry you must be feeling crap. I can't beleive that the breakdown of their relationship was just because of you, surely something must have happened. Is it really all your fault? I'm sure it's not

[Quootiepie]

no, 100% because of me.

[tortoise]

Oh Q.Thats sad news.
Don't blame yourself.Surely it was your FIL choice not to like you.
Im sure DH doesn't blame you for him and his dad not getting on so well.
(((hugs))) for you.xx

[Quootiepie]

the last few weeks ive been meaning to talk to DH about how he'd feel if his dad died... but I never did because his dads only about 50...

[Medulla]

Why Quootiepie? (feel free to tell me to shut up, you probably don't want to go into all this right now) Did he just not like you? Was there and arguement? I just don't believe it was all down to you - 2 sides to every story and all that

[Quootiepie]

well... one day he just kicked me out. DH never explained, I never asked. a few months later i found out DH had told his dad about my ex, and his dad called me a liar because "i didnt act like id been raped/abused". After that there was bad vibes between us (never saw him again though). DH spent more and more time away from his home, and out with me because we couldnt go back to his. Then I was guilty of keeping his son away from him, coming between them. We moved in together and because of the dad, some of you might know, I had an abortion, because we were so scared of what he would say... I knew he'd say i was trapping his son. The next day DH left me and went back to live with his mum and dad. DH wasnt allowed to take me to hospital when I was hemorraging (sp) because of his dad might find out. But gradually I made DH see his dad controlled him alot... when we arranged to meet, his dad would suddenly have a job that needed doing etc., when he left me after the abortion, when he came to collect his things, he said "dad says im not allowed you to get into my head" and grabbed his stuff and went. Then we got back together after he saw how controlling his dad was, and moved in together again, and his dad made him choose.... and he kinda chose me, but every few weeks or so, hed try and reconcile... but the dad wouldnt... I even tried... but I should have tried harder...

[Quootiepie]

I couldnt ahndle being called a liar about my past and prefered DH not to have contact with them...

[twocatsonthebed]

Poor you and dh.

You must be feeling really awful now, but you just have to remember that it wasn't you that caused the split, it was your FIL. After all, you and dh only did a perfectly normal thing which was to fall in love and want to live together, it was him who made it all so difficult and forced your dh to make the choice. You were behaving just fine, and your dh chose to be with you.

It must be almost impossible to believe this now, but hope you can start to feel better about this. x x x

[Quootiepie]

I stopped DH and his dad having a relationship the last 2 years of his life... I wish id walked away so so much. DH will never forgive me

[Quootiepie]

and I was reading old bank statements last night to find a list of charges so we could claim money back... and I sulked because he'd bought his dad a really expensive model and hasnt ever bought me anything in 2 years.... i am the lowest of the low

[Medulla]

No Quootiepie you are not. This is not your fault. Your FIL was quite unreasonable - how dare he call you a liar after all you had been through - on what grounds did he have the right to call you a liar? It's not your fault your FIL was so controlling. What happened today was terrible and no doubt it will take your husband some time to get over it and he will need your help and support but remember he chose you, he loves you. You are a good person

[tortoise]

Oh Q.How horrible for you to have been called a liar when you are not.I can't see how dh will blame you.He made the choice to choose you over his dad.

[Quootiepie]

the other week he said "right, you and your baby and your wife come here now to sort this!" and we didnt because they chain smoke and were being petty, thinking they should make the effort and come to ours

[tortoise]

They should make the effort to come to you.Im sure you didn't want your ds in a smoke filled room.

[Quootiepie]

yeah, but he didnt... he always thought it would get sorted and we'd be "one big happy family"... and after the abortion, he didnt choose me... not until i hounded him for months

[Quootiepie]

FILs sister just rung to tell me... how guilty do they want me to feel??

[tortoise]

Q i don't know what i can say but i really feel for you.Feel i kind of know you since we have been FLYing.And im upset for you feeling like this.Is DH home late tonight?
I hope once you have had a good chat with him that you will feel better.
My e-mail address if you ever want to contact me off of mn is [email protected].

[Quootiepie]

dont know when he'll be home, he's gone to his mums

[tortoise]

Im here if you want to chat.

[Quootiepie]

thanks... everythings buzzing through my mind.

[Quootiepie]