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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Was at a childs funeral today - saddest thing I ever imagined

53 replies

Scarbella2 · 14/03/2014 22:17

A friends child was buried today and I am so upset. I am thinking about the little white coffin and his parents sobs constantly. I have little ones of my own and I can't help but think of been in their shoes.
I am heartbroken for them. How will they carry on with life? I don't understand why this happens.

OP posts:

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imip · 14/03/2014 22:20

So sad... My dd1 was stillborn. I remember my sobs at her funeral. It was the saddest day of my life. Even the day she was born had some happiness as I got to meet her. Very sad...

I'm very sorry for your friends xx

Scarbella2 · 14/03/2014 22:25

So sorry about your little girl imip Xx
It's tragic to loose children, they should be given a chance.

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 14/03/2014 22:28

I went to the funeral of a 9 year old girl (her mother is a well known mums netter) I have the image of that mother stood alone, head bowed as they lowered her daughter into the ground etched in my head forever, no mother or father should ever have to go through that, heartbreaking.

imip · 14/03/2014 22:29

There is a charity called child bereavement uk that you Amy wish to recommend to your friends...

Thank you x

Scarbella2 · 14/03/2014 22:37

I can see them kneeled down beside the graveside touching sobbing his name. The wail from his mam when the little boy was lowered into the ground is something I will never forget. I could feel the pain in it.
I came home and brought my kids to tesco for magazines and Easter eggs, I feel so lucky to have my babies.
God help all the parents out there who have lost a child.

OP posts:

doireallywant3 · 14/03/2014 22:50

it's heartbreaking to see a small white coffin. Sands is another charity, mainly for still borns. You will never forget this but over time it will become less vivid.. Grief never leaves us but becomes easier to manage and live with in time. wishing you love and peace x

mymatemax · 14/03/2014 23:47

it is the most heartbreaking thing. Its not how its meant to be.
I went to a 13 yr olds funeral. His Dad was crying silently, the image of his shoulders shaking with grief as I sat behind him will stay with me forever.
The church was filled with school friends, it just shouldn't be.
The utter pain & heartache of his parents, siblings and grandparents.
We were all heartbroken but nothing can compare to the parents pain.

Grumpasaurus · 17/03/2014 18:09

My younger brother died. The grief I felt was second only to the sadness I felt for my parents- there is no pain like it. They also had a still born child. There is no rhyme or reason, and time really is the only thing that helps!

Cuxibamba · 17/03/2014 18:32

When my brother lost his 4yo child, it was heartbreaking. His wife had died three years previously (my SIL) and he was just standing there, just crying. It's so horrible, because there's nothing you can do and nothing he could do either.

Musicaltheatremum · 17/03/2014 20:59

My first ever funeral was that of a class mate aged 12/13.. I still remember one of the hymns we sang and the day and the date of the funeral. It was so sad.

BikeRunSki · 17/03/2014 21:05

I went to the funeral of our friends' two day old child when ds was 6 weeks old. It was the saddest and most poignant day of my life. It was absolutely heartbreaking. The parents asked us the bring ds. They were, and remain, amazing.

Northernlurker · 17/03/2014 21:11

The first funeral I ever attended was a girl from the year above me at school. The funeral was in our village and I felt I should go. I hadn't known her well but well enough to like her and she, like me, was an Oxbridge reject. So I went. The small church was crammed with us and her close friends cried and cried. When the coffin came in her grandma was in pieces but her parents were very quiet, just frozen. It was a hot day and the sun was burning down on my head by the graveside. I always think of her when I go there. It's 18 years ago but I can see her mother's face. The other funeral of a child I've been to was my friend's daughter who died in utero around 20 weeks. They were pretty quiet at the graveside. It was two months after she died and I think they were to some degree cried out and relieved to be able to bury her. It was so sad, so, so sad and it was a cold day and it took me hours to warm up again.

I've put all this detail in because I want you to see OP that no, what you saw today won't go away and it shouldn't actually. Time blurs the edges of how we remember but things like this are just so sad, so hard, so frightening that we will always remember them. That's a good and powerful thing to do because what we are also remembering is the love that's there. It's love not death that is the key at funerals. It's love not death that has the last word.

Remember your friend's child. Use his name. Mark his birthday. Don't let him disappear because most of their friends and family WILL stop talking about him. I let my friends know I remember their child twice a year - on the birthday and on Mothering Sunday. That's not enough but it's something.

Mitzi50 · 17/03/2014 21:12

Many years ago I went to the funeral of 7 year old child I had taught. The depth of the grief on that day still haunts me.

AuditAngel · 17/03/2014 21:40

My niece was the victim of infanticide. The mother claimed (and I agree may have suffered from) post natal depression. At the funeral her mother (my niece's grandmother) came over to me and said she didn't know who I was and thanked me for coming.

I have also been to two separate funerals of teenagers. One was my nephew (on my husband's side) who was adored and my DD was 3 when he died and sometimes she still talks about her DanDan.

shallweshop · 17/03/2014 21:53

Heartbreaking thread .
Northern - 'its love not death that has the last word' - Thank you for posting those words, they struck a real chord in me.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/03/2014 22:14

I was driving down Ilford Lane a couple of weeks ago (it's a busy busy road).
There was a horse drawn carriage coming towards me, two lovely , flashy grey (white) horses trotting, their manes and tails flowing.
Behind them I saw a glass carriage, like Cinderellas Coach.
"Oh , someones getting married " I thought.
The traffic was almost stationary both ways.

Then I saw , inside , a miniature white coffin. Maybe 2' in length.

Oh, how desperately sad. For the family to lose a child (a very young child by the size of the coffin)
The beautiful fairytale carriage that wasn't a Happy Ever After it was every parents worse nightmare.
And the Funeral Directors who have the worst task of preparing a childs funeral

And so the traffic moved. But I think everyone on that road was touched by this unknown infant.

Cuxibamba · 17/03/2014 23:14

Random, 70 but that's the street my DH grew up. I remember seeing a hearse, a long procession, where I live. People stopped in the streets as you do, and so did I- and saw a tiny coffin. I was with my at the time 2yo DC, it was just a trip to the shops that day, but it made me think that what was an ordinary, dull day to me was a day the parents must want so desperately, and that a day that was like any other to me, until seeing the coffin of course, would be a day they could never, ever forget and was so important to them.

evertonmint · 17/03/2014 23:28

I went to the funeral of one of my brother's schoolfriends who died very suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition aged just 8. I was 12 so it's 25 years ago. I still think of his mother, a single mum of just him with dad not on the scene, being physically supported into church, through the ceremony and back out by members of her family. She was just utterly broken, her only child gone without her having chance to say goodbye or tell him she loved him, and I could recognise, even at just 12yo, how terribly terribly wrong that was. As a mother now, I can't even begin to comprehend what she has gone through. I don't know what happened to her - she moved away - but to this day I think of her (who I didn't really know) and her son (who I did) often. I wish I could tell her that he isn't forgotten; the best I can do is make sure I don't forget him.

thedaymylifestoodstill · 18/03/2014 08:11

The funeral of my child was the hardest day of my life. I try not to think about the time, because now I think back to it and cannot believe it was us who it happened to and how I'm still standing. I cannot believe I didn't die on the spot (it was what I imagined would happen if one of my DC were to die). Somehow and from somewhere you drag yourself through. I am still in the stage of dragging myself through (not even a year ago). Some days are lighter and I smile, but I always, always, always think of my baby and feel such despair and sadness - even if it looks like I'm doing 'ok'

OP, please please continue to support your friends. Your being there at the funeral would have been noticed by them. It is such a lonely road ahead for them, send them a text, keep sending them texts at random times or on the anniversary. Mention their child. (For more information see the thread on here about What Not to Say to a Bereaved Parent). It is great they have friends like you to help them through undoubtedly the darkest days of their lives.

LilyTheSavage · 19/03/2014 15:49

theday is right. The worst day of my life was when we buried my 21 year old DS on 21st August last year. It was a day equal in horror to the day he died. I can't quite believe that we were able to make his funeral day a day of joy and celebration. I don't know how we did it. We were dignified and in control on the outside but inside I was screaming. I was terribly afraid I was going to break down and I would have hated my other two DS to witness that. I cry just thinking about that day.

Please all of you don't stop looking after your friends. Talk to them and say their child's name. Random texts and phone calls are lovely too. Allow us to be forgetful or quiet or just normal. Whatever are all good. Whatever you do, please don't ignore us or don't mention our children's names. Don't think you can upset us by saying something about our children. The worst has already happened.

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 19/03/2014 16:15

theday and lily such eloquent and heartbreaking posts.

trulymadlydeeply · 19/03/2014 16:47

A close childhood friend of our mine and of our family died in her early 30s, leaving 2 tiny children. Our whole family went to her funeral and I will never forget her parents' silent grief.
My dad died 2 years ago, and my friend's dad, who is quite reclusive, came to the funeral simply because we were the only family friends who went to his daughter's. Such things matter.
Stay in touch and remember the important dates. Xx

AvonCallingBarksdale · 20/03/2014 18:22

We went to our friend's 5 year old DS's funeral last year. A very, very sad day

LottieJenkins · 24/03/2014 20:21

At ds1's funeral he had a brown wooden coffin. I was adamant that he wasn't having a white coffin. The funeral director didn't charge us for his service or burial.
I also had to go to my friend's sons funeral. He died after a long struggle suffering with a brain tumour and was one of the bravest children I have ever met.

AuditAngel · 26/03/2014 16:46

Whenever I hear a story like this, it makes me so thankful that it isn't me. Selfish I know, but always thought with sympathy and the knowledge it should never be any of us.

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