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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Can't totally get over losing my baby.

33 replies

megglevache · 09/08/2006 10:19

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oranges · 09/08/2006 10:21

Oh, just want to send you a hug.

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megglevache · 09/08/2006 10:21

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Sparkler1 · 09/08/2006 10:24

I'm not very good at dishing out advice but am a very good listener.
May I just offer you a big sparkly hug to go with your citrusy one!
I'm sure someone who has been in a similar situation to yourself will come along soon.

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sallycinnamon · 09/08/2006 10:24

You're very brave. Losing your baby is not an easy thing to go through so please don't be hard on yourself for feeling low. It sounds like because you had your little boy to look after your feelings and emotions were pushed to one side. They need to come out- don't bottle them up. Keep posting on MN as it will definitely help you. You will have another baby- there are plenty of people on here to prove that. xx

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megglevache · 09/08/2006 10:24

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twocatsonthebarricades · 09/08/2006 10:30

Meg, I remember you from the due in Nov thread.
I had a miscarriage last year, and it took me a lot longer than I thought it would to get over it - in fact not until well past the due date. I thought I was fine and then it really hit me badly then - to the extent that I was just sitting in bed and crying.

And I know exactly what you mean about withdrawing from friends - two of my closest friends had babies within four months of my miscarriage, and I found it incredibly hard to be around them. To the extent that, when I was going to see my best friend and her new baby for the first time, I was about to run away and get on the next train back to the West Country. I've also had to run out of the office when people brought their new babies in.

So a big furry sympathetic hug to add to the other ones.

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oranges · 09/08/2006 10:36

I could not bear to see friends who were pregnant after I lost my baby. They did not know I had miscarried, so were understndably bewildered by my coolness. It did pass - I told them a year later, when the raw searing pain had died down somewhat. They understood immediately. It does hit you at the oddest moments - I had one when ds was born - kept thinking he would not be here if the other baby had survived - all very confused.

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CarolinaMao · 09/08/2006 10:50

Megg.

I had a mc a couple of months ago and am having the same irrational thoughts about whether I'll have another. I got pg much more easily that time than with ds and am somehow feeling it was too flukey and I won't be that lucky next time.

That is v crap of the hospital - I've had nothing like that because it was all cancelled by the EPAU fortunately. Can you be bothered to complain to the Patient Liaison Service?

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Marina · 09/08/2006 11:08

Oh, megg
Is there anyone who can tell the hospital to stop this for you? Do you have a decent health visitor who can give them a piece of her mind? Or as ChairmanCaroline suggests, enlist PALS?
That is utterly unnecessary on top of your grief.
I think it is totally normal (IME) to wax and wane with how you feel about friends and acquaintances being pregnant. I was glad for some and one or two I just wanted to deck (nb none of the latter were Mner friends). Good friends will understand, or try to at least
I was also so convinced that we would not have a successful pregnancy again after we lost ds2, that we made a number of quite big decisions on the basis of having one child only. So I do understand about the rehearsing a possible outcome to "try it on for size". That's normal too.
Sending you much love. Airing my sadness on here did help me at times of difficulty, so vent away. XXX

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megglevache · 09/08/2006 11:10

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megglevache · 09/08/2006 11:12

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biglips · 09/08/2006 11:12

oh dear thats is so sad!! sorry cant give u any advice but im giving you a big hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS VIBES}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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suejonez · 09/08/2006 11:24

I don;t really do hugs (more of a firm hand shake kin of woman) but can I give you a sympathetic pat on the back?

I haven't been through what you have but your reactions sound very similar to how I was when my IVF treatment failed and I had to accept I would never give birth to my children. Practical getting on with it first then a backlash a few months later. In my case the IVF clinic kept mixing me up with another Suejonez and sending me her appointmetns, invoices etc. They sent me an invoice for her egg donation the day my IVF failed.

I think it is all very normal - denial, anger, grief etc and part of the grieving process. Your baby has the right to have tears shed over her loss, nothing wrong with that whenever it happens.

i can't advise you on the "I am starting to believe I won't have anymore children" but I'm guessing you're right and that its a defence mechanism. HAve you thought about talking to someone about this properly - someone who knows organisations will wander along in a minute and give you far better advice on that than I can.

Good luck

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Marina · 09/08/2006 11:33

The ones I found hardest to forgive where those we told and who just never got in touch again. OK, they were mum and baby group acquaintances, not dear friends, but just the same
Your IT people will tell you off if you drop bogies into your keyboard

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CarolinaMao · 09/08/2006 13:56

What a useless bunch of tossers at the hospital Megg .

Marina, your post made me cry too . We're trying to move house atm and a bit of me keeps thinking what would we do with a 4 bed house if ds turned out to be our only one? - I spose losing a baby just brings home how much of a lottery it all is.

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suejonez · 09/08/2006 14:09

People can be arses can;t they Marina?

One "friend" who I talked to a lot about my IVF totally ignored my note to her at Xmas about my decision to move on to adopt. I was really excited about it and as she knew what a hard time I'd had over the years of fertility treatment, I was expecting a nice card in reply or a phone call. Nothing, not even an ordinary Christams card. She told a mutual friend that she didn't know what to say so decided to say nothing .

Errr..."Congratulations" or.... "How exciting" or....."so pleased for you" or....."Good luck"

Not that difficult is it?

Sorry Megg thats a bit of a hijack I think

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suejonez · 09/08/2006 14:11

and she's not the only one - amazing how many people dont know what to say and choose instead to ignore you/the situation - like thats going to make you feel any better!

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PigeonPie · 09/08/2006 14:31

Oh Meg, none of what you say is irrational. I lost my twins two years ago last week and, despite having a fantastic DS now, I still have low times about my girls (this might not be what you want to hear, sorry).

That baby is part of you and your family and will continue to be for ever. It does get easier, the pain does subside, but there are times when it does rear up again. Try to keep talking about it, either to a close friend or on here - it can help.

hugs]]]]]]

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megglevache · 09/08/2006 14:31

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PigeonPie · 09/08/2006 14:35

Sue, I find it amazing that some people can ignore 'you' completely because they're frightened of saying something wrong. A friend of mine said that it is always better to say something, even if it's not quite right, than to ignore and say nothing.

A friend and I were due within days of each other and when I lost my twins she completely ignored me, to the extent when we were in the same room and she said hello to everyone else, but not me! I've got over it now, but my word it hurt at the time.

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suejonez · 09/08/2006 14:46

It has opened my eyes to how many people are more worried about making themselves look stupid by saying the wrong thing than about saying something supportive to you.

I think I'm a more empathetic person as a result and would now NEVER not comment on a miscarriage, death etc.

I've also been amazed by the people who said "wouldn't you rather get pregnant?" on hearng about my adoption. Once at a Xmas party in front of about 20 people.

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suejonez · 09/08/2006 14:57

D'you think its a British thing - awkwardness around grief? So many posts about miscarriages on here seem to be almost asking for permission to be grieving several months later. As if its ok to grieve for a limited time afterwards but then you have to stop and move on.

Of course I don't think its normal to be paralysed by grief many months later and you would probably need more support for that, but I will always grieve for the loss of my ability to get pregnant and give birth. It's prominance will change in my life over time and it will be soothed by a successful adoption but this adoption will not "cure" that grief, it is a separate and different issue. Adoption will allow me to have a family it will not cure my infertility. I explain it to poeple as being like a divorce - if you subsequently find someone else and are very happy with your new partner, it does not make you "un-divorced". The pain of that divorce and what you went though will always be a part of you and it probably made you a slightly different person. Pretending that everything is fine now, like some people want you to do, somehow diminishes the event and takes away from its significance to you.

I almost think we should commemorate our losses loudly, and who cares how uncomfortable it makes other poeple. Think I'm catching this militant spirit going on around here

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PigeonPie · 09/08/2006 15:10

Sue, I think you might be right about it being a British thing. m/c and bereavement are still on a par with not talking about cancer in so many places. My MIL still can't come to terms with or talk about the fact that my Ma had breast cancer and she had her treatment 9 years ago - it's the C word as far as she's concerned. But I don't know what we can do to overcome it.

Sorry Meg for hijacking your thread

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megglevache · 09/08/2006 19:23

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TambaTheDragonSlayer · 09/08/2006 19:35

Hugs Meg

I also lost a baby at the beginning of April, although no body really knows about it, which In a way for me is better I think because I am not good at doing thw whole feelings thing.

Have you considered counselling? I had six sessions and although at the time i thought they were a pita in retrospect they really helped.

I got a call about a scan too. It is soooo crap that they seem to fuck up like that on a regular basis.

My due date was Nov 11th, a day I am dreading but am planning to do something fun to distract myself and remind myself that although there are crap things happe, life is for living and that moving forward is my only option.

We also put the babys scan picture in a little box and took it somewhere special to us, to say 'goodbye' which helped so much. Like closure I guess.

I think of it everyday and as the months have gone on it changes from a sharp pain to a duller one, and im hoping as more time passes it will fade away completely. I think im focused on Nov 11th - as if something will magically change and i will be 'over it'

Havent read the whole thread, but couldnt let it pass without posting.