In March I lost a baby at 17 weeks (had to terminate as he had a fatal abnormality). It was a strange and confusing time - I had had heavy bleeding in Jan and had thought I'd miscarried, so didn't realise I was still pregnant (although kept wondering why symptoms hadn't gone, and hoping).
Two weeks after my partner proposed to me, and we then organised a wedding in a short space of time (which stressed me out). I then became pregnant on our honeymoon, and am now around 6 weeks pregnant.
Confusingly, I feel utterly joyless about this. When the two lines came up on the stick I felt flat and deflated. We already have one lovely ds (now 3), and even before my last pregnancy, I was never 100% sure if I wanted another child - my partner desperately wants one and I suppose I felt it was the thing to do (for him, and to give ds a sibling). Last time when I did my pregnancy test (for the baby I lost, Ivo), I felt a huge amount of joy and delight when it came up positive - and a huge amount of grief and woe when I had what I thought was a miscarriage, and then when I discovered I was still pregnant but with a baby that wouldn't be able to live.
I can't work myself out, and can't understand why I feel so miserable about this pregnancy. I can't tell whether it's just (just?!) fear about losing this baby/he/she being seriously disabled/me having another traumatic birth (I nearly died after birth of ds1). Or whether I really simply just don't want another child (I am an only child and do find it hard to imagine a relationship with two children).
I'm also struggling with the hormones of early pregnancy, which always make me utterly miserable, I'm just crying all the time and feeling like I don't want to feel like this and that I just want life to go back to 'normal'. I keep considering a termination, but don't know if this is just the fear/hormones talking, or whether underneath it all is what I really want.
Anyway, just felt the need to get some of this off my chest - can't tell dp as would upset him too much I think.
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Prg after baby loss feeling confused and miserable
8 replies
Manoo · 03/08/2006 11:09
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