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Bereavement

DHW update...

49 replies

desperatehousewife · 02/08/2006 16:22

Haven't been on here for ages - just got back from a week sunning myself in Crete! Feeling very relaxed and at peace with myself (if that doesn't sound too tossy!!)

Initially in May after I lost the second baby at 16 weeks (first lost at 25 weeks)I desperately needed to know why it had happened. I coulnd't believe it was coincidence...to have two babies die consecutively within a six month period seems too bizarre. Also the fact that my body wasn't rejecting the babies...both discovered at scans.

Anyway, had the post mortem results back and again there is no reason found for the deaths. I had 3 private appointments set up with different specialists to try and find a reason. But DH and I have done a hell of a lot of soul searching and thinking seriously about what we have got (an amazing 4 yr old boy and a fab marriage) and we have decided we don't want any more children.

There is too much at stake for me - I cannot put my body through it again and certainly can't put my mind through it or my family through it. It was too awful and second time round it really hit us hard - all of us.

Even if we could find out what the problem is and if it could be solved, no one could ever say to us that we would be guarenteed a healthy pregnancy, simple birth and healthy baby. I don't want a baby enough to go through anything else going wrong.

What has happened has almost been a godsend - I have always felt I wasn't the mother I wanted to be for DS, always assumed I would have two children with a two year gap. I simply coulnd't do that as I was so wrecked by my experience of having ds that it took me 3 years to pluck up courage to get pregnant again. I have had two terrible experiences and I cannot do it again. I actually feel like the most enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders - I don't HAVE to have another child. I don't have to worry about childbirth and sleepless nights and nappies and potty training and projectile vomit ever again. My ds is 4 now and we can communicate and I'm starting to really enjoy him properly for the first time in his life. I owe it to him now to really concentrate on him and appreciate him and to see just how lucky I am.

I will have great sadness from time to time about not having the brother or sister for ds I always thought we'd have. And for not having the chance to do it 'properly' and be the calm, confident mum i always wanted to be. But i'm an only child and a lot of ds's friends are only children and there are so many positives to being an only child.

So that's where we are at the moment. I had the hardest thing ever a couple of weeks ago - I had to scatter the ashes of my second dead baby - it just felt too surreal, too sad and felt so final this time, having decided what we have decided. But so glad it's done - we said goodbye and now we are looking forward and planning all the exciting things we can do knowing finally that we have got our family now. This is it, this is us and we are very lucky.

Sorry if this all sounds rambly or over dramatic - but it's been one hell of a roller coaster. Just glad that I seem to be keeping my head above water and that we've made a positive decision that we feel happy with. There is so much to look forward to.

Just wanted to thank everyone on MN who has been so wonderfully supportive and kind to me since November...i have appreciated it enormously.

dhw
xx

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beckybrastraps · 02/08/2006 16:25

Sounds like your holiday did you a lot of good

Hoping happy times are ahead for you and your family.

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bundle · 02/08/2006 16:26

DHW, thank you so much for taking the trouble to post this. I have a dear friend who's now lost at least 5 babies (miscarriages including one after an amnio, a termination following dx of a serious genetic syndrome, etc - there may have been more) and she has now decided not to have any more children. They have one beautiful daughter and feel blessed, though I know she still feels pain from what she has been through emotionally and physically. You sound like a lovely mum and MN is a much richer place for you being around, bundle xxx

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desperatehousewife · 02/08/2006 16:27

aw bundle, thank you.
x

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FoghornLeghorn · 02/08/2006 16:29

Oh DHW I have often wondered how you were getting on.
I'm glad that you and DH have come to a decision that you both feel completely sure about.

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pepperpots · 02/08/2006 16:29

Think you are an incredibly strong lady. And believe not only are you are blessed to have your ds he is also blessed to have such a strong and wonderful mummy. All the best for you and your family xx

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zephyrcat · 02/08/2006 16:30

Hi DHW........what can I say?! I remember thinking when you lost your 1st, when we were all on the march thread together, that you were such an amazingly strong person and I felt the utmost respect for both you and your DH for being such strong people. Since it has all happened again, you have only showed your self to be amazingly strong again and it is lovely to read that you have had a little bit of time out to put your life into perspective and come to a clear decision. Your DS will see your stregnth and will himself become a wonderful and strong person - and it goes without saying that he will get that from his parents.

I hope that now you have some kind of closure within yourselves you can now all start to have some real happiness in your lives. Since getting to know you a little on the old march thread I have often thought about you and it's lovely to see that you are all in a place where things can start to move forward. xx

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desperatehousewife · 02/08/2006 16:35

thanks zc. It really does feel like a new, fresh start!

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crazydazy · 02/08/2006 16:35

What a lovely story.....written so well too. You seem like a very close family and seem so much happier.

Good luck to you all

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Xena · 02/08/2006 16:40

dhw I'm glad your though it, you have a lucky son imo.

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Northerner · 02/08/2006 16:44

Dhw it is so good to hear from you. I have to say that is a lovely post, and it is so wonderful to see that you and your family are focusing on the positives, and what you already have.

I m/carried in August and the nurse told me that after losing a baby (and your loss is far worse than mine btw) there are 2 paths you can take. One is to a very dark place where you dwell on what could have been and never quite recover or one with a rainbow at the end, where you give thanks and appreciate more what you already have. I'm glad to hear you are following that rainbow.

I too have a 4 year old ds and I know I am so fortunate to have him, regardless of whether I have another or not.

You sound very strong and I have always admired your strength on your other threads. It sounds like you have a wondrful ds and a very supportive dh.

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Northerner · 02/08/2006 16:45

Miscarried in April I mean...

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suejonez · 02/08/2006 16:50

Would it be appropriate to say at this point that you could have another child and a sibling for your DS wihtout risking a repeat of the trauma you have been through if you considered adoption? I'm not saying that adoption is the easy option, but its a different option.

Thats not a suggestion that I think you OUGHT to consider it, just park it in the back of your brian as an option to think about one rainy day. Plenty of people I know have both biological and adopted children.

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jabuti · 02/08/2006 17:21

i think you figured out very well what life wants from you dhw. and i think ultimately we should learn how to accept what life brings for us because it knows best. and im not only talking about babies here, im talking about that house you wanted to buy but the deal didnt go through, that promotion you wanted but was given to someone else, that dear friend of yours that passed away, everything! we must learn how to be flexible in this life.

i always thought of adopting, even before trying for my own baby. our dog is our family too, so my partner and i always felt that wouldnt be too hard to bond with someone that was not from our own blood, but perhaps less furry .

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desperatehousewife · 02/08/2006 17:24

with all my soul searching I have to be honest, I don't think I like children enough to consider other methods of having one!

I love what I've got, but I already have my plate full with him and I don't need anything else. I don't have a desperate need for another child anymore. Really strange how things work out.

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batters · 02/08/2006 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joolstoo · 02/08/2006 17:25

dhw - so glad you are feeling relaxed and ready to move forward.

I know you are and will continue to be a brilliant mum to your ds.

Keep smiling

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jabuti · 02/08/2006 17:27

hehehehe, i dont blame you! i have 2 examples very close to me of people that are thinking 3x before having more kids, and they got one each. actually, i dont think they are having more anyway. of course no one regrets having them, but i can see how one is more than plenty.

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suejonez · 02/08/2006 17:34

Lol DHW - thats a good reason for not considering adoption - just wanted to offer it as an alternative!

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SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 02/08/2006 18:11

HI DHw, sneding peaceful vibes to you.

We are in the midst of similar (although I am sure not half as heartbreaking): always wanted 4 children but with DS1 being DX'd with As, DS3 awaitinga ssessment- we have had to decide we just can't do it any more . The time would have been right soon, but with the genetic risks, and the demans already upon us-

My heart goes out to you and your family, you sound amazingly brave and I can only echo what the others said about how much strength your DS will gain from you both.


Bundle- sympathies to your friend. My Mum lost 4 babies at stillbirth age, then had a Termination for rubella damage and then went on to have us. So it is possible, although I think yu'd have be very sure that's what you want to follow that road. not sure I would be brave enough.

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Californifrau · 02/08/2006 18:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wilbur · 02/08/2006 18:16

dhw - just wanted to say how brave you've been during such an awful time. I'm glad you've found a peaceful solution and it sounds like your ds is a very lucky boy to have such strong and thoughtful parents.

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twocatsonthebed · 02/08/2006 18:41

DHW - it's really good to hear how you're doing, especially in such a lovely, considered, wise post. I'm sure you already are a wonderful, mum and I really wish you all the best for the future that you're planning for the three of you.

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cupcakes · 02/08/2006 18:53

dhw - I'm so, so pleased to hear you sounding at peace and looking forward to the future. After my one missed miscarriage I got pg again but I know that if this one ends in another mc I would not have the strength to try again. I'm so glad you've been able to make this decision.
Enjoy your ds and your life together as a family.

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Ags · 02/08/2006 19:48

How wonderful that you feel so at peace with your decision. I wish you and your family all good things in the future.

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DollyP · 02/08/2006 19:51

Lovely to hear from you DHW, and thank you for your post. I am so pleased that you have reached a decision which is right for your family. Take care XXX

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