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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I don't know what to do or say in this situation - please help

15 replies

HonorMatopoeia · 29/07/2006 11:48

A very good friend has just called to say his 4 year old passed away on Thursday. It was a mistake at the hospital. I live hours away and don't know what I can do or even if i need to do anything. What would be the best thing? He sounded so very very cut up (as I would expect him to be). Oh god, 4 is so very young. Now is most probably time for the family I'm sure, But, should I ring and check he and his wife are ok in a week or leave it or......sorry I'm rambling, but this has hit hard. especially now I have a Dd too. how do you help someone cope with something like this?

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cadbury · 29/07/2006 11:58

oh how awful honor!
maybe write now and let them know to call if they want you there and then call in a few days when they have the letter. don't really knoiw what I'd do in this situation . . .

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HonorMatopoeia · 29/07/2006 12:32

Thanks Cadbury, I've sent a text as it somehow seemed less final iyswim. God, 101 conversations you never expect to have with a mate.

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Rodeo · 29/07/2006 12:35

How sad
I have a 4 year old little boy and cannot imagine how devastating they must be
I too would just write a letter or card. When I lost my dd I just wanted dp and close family around, people ringing up or dropping round was too much, but knowing friends were thinking of us was comforting. The next few months will be v. upsetting, but you can't help somebody to cope or grieve. I would leave them until they contact you again, writing them a note every now and again.

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HonorMatopoeia · 29/07/2006 12:40

Thank you Rodeo, that's very helpful and useful to know. I'm sorry for your loss. I think you're quite right, now is definitely a family time. Still can't believe this. When he rang we were reminiscing about times we all had together, walks etc. He seemed to find this quite helpful, which suprised me a little.

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cremolafoam · 29/07/2006 13:01

i think i would try to go the funeral- if not too late. It would be a good way of showing your support for your friend at this dreadful time. Having a good friends face there at the funeral can be very comforting.
if this is not possible try and arrange a definite time to go and see him.He may not want to talk about his child but you should allow him to if he wants too. You are in a good position to be a listener as you are not family( who will be too devestated by grief)
going to see him will give him something else to think about for a day. Having a distraction is useful as he probably cannot think about anything else, which is unbearable.
try and make a point of keeping in touch- even if he is unable to reply to you. it is always helpful to know that people are thinking of you when everything seems hopeless.
there is nothing right to do or say. Just being there can be helpful. if there is anything practical you can do, try and offer to help.

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Beauregard · 29/07/2006 13:02

Oh no how awful
I honestly cannot think of what you could say ,it has to be the worst sort of bereavement anyone could have to deal with .
And 4 ,my dd1 is 4 and i cant imagine the sheer torturous pain that his family will have to endure.
So very sorry for your friend.

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HonorMatopoeia · 29/07/2006 13:05

Thank you cremola, I think the funeral will be a way off as there has to be a post-mortem and an enquiry. Poor poor family, it's all so very very

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HonorMatopoeia · 29/07/2006 13:06

Thank you pfnm. I'd never heard him sound the way he did on the phone. You just can't even imagine what the family are going through can you?

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Beauregard · 29/07/2006 13:11

Am crying for them now
what were the hospital treating him for?

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cremolafoam · 29/07/2006 13:11

so sad for them and you .
i won't go into it , but i have been there. the worst thing is thinking that everyone expects you to get over it. you don't , but in time you find a way to live with it.
Unexpectedly two long lost friends turned up on my doorstep and just let me talk, drink wine, and weep.
a week later they had me for tea. later took me out for lunch. and to the cinema if they were going. it was all just distraction, but they really got me through it. it was just having something to do that did'nt involve me having to make any effort.

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HonorMatopoeia · 29/07/2006 13:15

Sorry to hear of your loss too cremola . It souns like good freinds do help, I am going to do my best to help them through it... just being there sounds like the best idea. I've done this before when an adult relation of a friend has died but it has completely thrown me with her being such a young child.
Pfnm, she has a blood disorder and they were operating to remove her spleen, it went wrong.

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HonorMatopoeia · 30/07/2006 19:31

Sorry to harp on guys but I've got a card now - it's so very hard to buy a sympathy card for a child, non seem at all appropriate, she was 4, she doesn't want lillies or crosses - Ok, what on earth do I write in it? I've tried several times to write something and it just isn't working, it keeps coming out wrong. Any advice?

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HonorMatopoeia · 30/07/2006 20:00

Anyone? I really don't want to resort to cliches.

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Jimjams2 · 30/07/2006 20:05

When my friend's son died I sent a letter saying how sorry I was and including one of my favourite poems. A Robert Frost one- Nature's First Green is Gold- seemed appropriate for a child's death. I also sent a little crystal to hang up. I rang her a few days later, and we continued to speak regularly afterwards. We still do.

oh god it was awful, it still is. I think you have to remember that you can't really say anything wrong (other than "time is a great healer"- don't say that!) because what they are going through is more painful than anything else. Just communicating is helpful. I also try to never speak to them when my son of the same age is around in the background. If he is, he is, but I try and avoid that.

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HonorMatopoeia · 30/07/2006 20:08

Thank you, a poem is a great idea jimjams. I'll get looking right now. I know what you mean about children in the background, when he rang to tell me DD was wittering on by the phone and I had to get Dh to take her to another room.