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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

can someone help me with what to expect?

28 replies

ChiTownLady · 15/07/2006 21:52

I have just come back from the ER where scans have showed that my 9 week pregnancy has no hearbeat and probably stopped growing at about 7+5.
All a bit shell shocked really. They offered me a D and C which i said yes to as I just want this to be over but as it wasnt emergency there was no one available (I am in the US so normally they can accomodate most requests) so tey ahve sent me home to see how things develop naturally and I will see my ob'gyn on Monday.
Anyway I was being a bit over anxious in going in the first place as i had a weeny bit of spotting so a bit shocked as to outcome..so I dont know what to exoect next.
I am feeling a bit crampy but have not had heavy bleeding or clots - can anyone help me with what to expect.
This sounds really trivial but theres an open air concert that dh and ds and i were going to tonight and i feel like i'd still like to go to take my mind off things but do wonder that it might be a bit foolish if "something" happens...

Sorry really rambling am trying to hold things together but think i am blaming myself for not really wnating the pg initially ( i had a really shit time with ds my first pregnancy), feeling crap and not doing all the 'right' things like prenatal vits and having a glass of wine - stuff i was so vigilant about last time round with ds..

OP posts:

Report

Greensleeves · 15/07/2006 21:54

I'm so sorry to hear this

I don't have any advice, but I know a lot of people will, so don't go away xxx

Olipop · 15/07/2006 22:02

I'm so sorry CTL. I say go to the concert. Make sure you wear a big sanitary towel and take a couple of spares and be prepared to shed a few tears if things do start to come away...its a big shock even though you are expecting it. I lost one baby naturally (which was like a big period with some cramps but nothing too bad). I also then had to have a D+C for a second miscarriage which was actually fine. It meant it was all over and done with very quickly . I think that it is the best option emotionally (although I think that a natural miscarriage might be better for your body but not sure).
Try not to feel bad about not doing the right things. Babies are tough little buggers if they do want to stick around. My successful pregnancy was the one that I discovered after going on a massive mountain bike ride that involved carrying my bike over fences etc.
Take care x

ChiTownLady · 15/07/2006 22:09

Thanks greensleeves and OP - am having a bit more bleeding now - but agree just wanted the d&C to get it over with and start dealing with it rather than having to go through all the messy stuff...
On top of that and sorry if this is TMI the GYN said to save anything I passed if I was able in a ziplock bag and bring it in! Really don't think I will be able to do this.....

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foundintranslation · 15/07/2006 22:14

I'm so sorry to hear this.
I went through my second miscarriage this week (I was about 6 weeks) and had a D&C. In between the miscarriages I had ds who is now 14 months.
First thing, please don't blame yourself. I was a bit shell-shocked when I got the positive test initially, so I've had moments of guilt too, but it wasn't my fault, and your mc is NOT your fault - it's (almost certainly) 'just' rotten rotten luck. A glass of wine here and there won't cause a mc.

I had a scan last week which cast some doubt over the pregnancy (sac visible but nothing else) but they weren't sure - I was supposed to be having another this week but started bleeding on Tuesday. The blood was steady like a period. I had a 'gush' on Tuesday night which frightened me (and in hindsight was probably the sac coming away ) but it didn't last long. I have had very little pain throughout. You may start bleeding heavily, so be prepared for all eventualities, but there is no reason not to go to the concert if you feel you want to.
The D&C really wasn't all that bad. I had mine on Thursday. You will be under general anaesthetic for a brief time. When I woke up I felt physically fine and the bleeding has now slowed down a great deal.
Emotionally you will probably be very up and down - I certainly am. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to rest and grieve - don't expect too much of yourself straight away. I and many other MNers will be around to help you with that.

Thinking of you. xx

southeastastra · 15/07/2006 22:20

i don't know really i had this too, and had to wait about 5 days for the appointment, nothing really happened to me, just a bit of spotting

ChiTownLady · 15/07/2006 22:21

Thanks fit and sorry for your loss - i'm feling oddly empty but want to cry and wail but feel relieved as well - holding together for ds he's 3 so has been aware that something was up over the last few weeks with mummys poorly tummy ( morning sickness) and he was with us today aat the hospital so don't really wantt to concern him anymore. DH has taken him swimming downstairs so they will be back soon and I can get myself together again...

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foundintranslation · 15/07/2006 22:24

CTL - just wanted to say whatever you feel is OK, and 'normal'. I had 5 days in total of waiting to find out whether I was really miscarrying (it was a blood test that confirmed it - you might also have one done) and when it was confirmed I was, not 'relieved' exactly, but something in me was glad that the brutal limbo was over and I could get on and deal with it.

ja9 · 15/07/2006 22:30

Thinking of you.

CarolinaMoose · 15/07/2006 22:47

I had a mc a few weeks ago. The dating scan at 9 weeks showed the baby had died probably a few days beforehand, and it was another 2 weeks before I had any bleeding. When I did, it started with spotting in the morning and I passed several big clots and the baby itself the same evening. The pain was ok with paracetamol - like early labour contractions, every 15 mins or so for a couple of hours, then it went back to period-type pains after that.

I was at a meeting down the road for about half of the "full-on" bit, where I soaked through a night-time pad in about 2 hours , but it was a welcome distraction. Otoh, I did feel something come out when I stood up at the end of the meeting (sorry, this is prob TMI ) and was v glad when I got home to find out it was a clot rather than the baby. So maybe being away from home isn't such a great idea.

Physically, the worst bit was that I got quite anaemic about a week later with all the bleeding, and found it really hard to look after my ds because I was so exhausted and physically weak.

Emotionally, I have been up and down but it hasn't been as devastating as I'd feared - focussing on my ds has really helped and my SIL had a mc only a couple of weeks before me so I'd had it at the front of my mind that it could go wrong and not to get too excited about it iyswim.

How are things now?

ChiTownLady · 15/07/2006 23:14

Thaks carolina - I still have some steady bleeding but not a lot. We are going out to the concert and I have put a nighttime pad on and am taking a couple of spares. Have taken max dose of advil and will be keeping fingers crossed - have not passed anything significant yet clots or otherwise.

Sorry this is really awful to ask - but where you able to tell when you had passed the baby.... I am clearly passing a 7.5 week foetus so will be smaller than yours by quite a way I should think
Thanks for all your support

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CarolinaMoose · 16/07/2006 10:59

How was it last night CTL?

Don't worry about your question - I wondered the same thing myself before it happened.

The baby was not really recognisable as a baby - it didn't look like the photos of foetuses in pregnancy books and was surrounded by clotted blood, but it was a lot more solid than the clots and was a greyish colour. It was a couple of inches long, so a bit bigger than I expected. I also hadn't realised that the big clots would look kind of like raw liver rather than typical dark blood clots.

I didn't have to keep anything to show the hospital - they just called 10 days later and asked if the bleeding was slowing down and getting more like the end of a period, which fortunately it was.

Thinking of you x

ChiTownLady · 16/07/2006 13:16

We did go to the concert which was a good distraction but rather avoiding he issue. Nothing has happened..the bleeding i did have y'day afternoon as stopped ( don't know whether it was cased more by all the poking about they did than things getting started)
So nothing overnight and just now feel numb and still faintly sick ( oh the irony of it)
Had horrid dreams and now all the family still in bed but I can't sleep - its only 7am here.

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swift1 · 16/07/2006 16:48

Hi Lady,

Sorrt to hear your news....I was on the feb 2006 thread with you but had m/c 2 weeks ago when I was 6 weeks.

I passed the foetus 4 days after I started bleeding. It wasnt nice, but for me it was a relief. Not because I didnt want the baby cos I did whith all my heart...we've been trying since Sept and already had a m/c in November... but because I had known since the friday when I started bleeding that I was losing it, and I was just waiting for it to happen. For me , passing it signalled that this horrile experience was going to end.

Does that sound awful. as i dont mean it to. I hope you are ok today....

MerlinsBeard · 16/07/2006 20:20

So sorry that u r going through this

I posted this when i started to bleed with my m/c recently. Lots of imformation on there tho (thought u should know b4 u read) but it really helped me to know what to expect.

In terms of bleeding, i started to spot then it was another few days after that i lost it all.

ChiTownLady · 16/07/2006 21:16

swift and MOM thanks for this - particulalry the link...I have to go to see the ob'gyn tomorow and honestly want to have a d &C to get it over with although apparently they don't do a general A here just mild sedation - quite honestly I don't want to have it done unless i can be right under..I really don't want the knowledge /awareness in any way of what is going on...
I am feeling really numb and we have been getting on as normal today and it keeps hittng me whats happened but because i've seen no 'result' yet all seems sort of surreal...
I still have some bleeding - certainly not heavy although am having cramping...nothing clotty yet...I can't bear the thought of flushing things down the toilet....and coping with my ds whilst trying to cope with this...
god its a shity world sometimes although has really made me appreciate ds
Thanks for your thoughts...

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foundintranslation · 16/07/2006 21:19

CTL, if you are sedated you may well be under anyway when they do it. Not quite the same thing, but I was sedated for a coloscopy a few years ago and was out cold for the whole procedure. Talk to them about the anaesthetic/sedation and what the usual effect is.
Thinking of you. xx

CarolinaMoose · 16/07/2006 22:44

You don't need to flush anything down the toilet. I bought a rose bush and buried mine in the pot with it. I didn't like to think there'd be nothing left to say the pg ever happened iyswim, so the rose is kind of a memorial.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this waiting.

ChiTownLady · 17/07/2006 02:53

Thanks carolina...I will update tomorrow once i know how things go I really want this over with and hope nothing happens between tonight and tomorrow as I think I will crack - am holding everything together very carefully at the moment.
Thanks everyone for your support - again MN invaluable

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Alipiggie · 17/07/2006 03:10

Oh I'm so sorry, I've just seen this. If you ever need to talk, remember we're only a time zone apart (1hour). Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Uki · 17/07/2006 13:52

Dear Chi
So sorry to hear your news, but you shouldn't blame yourself it would have been nothing to do with anything you did or felt, I have been through m/c twice 8 and 10 weeks and also blamed myself, The best advice info i heard (way to late), but helped more than anything -was from a doco on the human body and it said every little growing feotus each day of it's life has to do a major thing to develop- that it's never done before on it's own -it's heart ,lungs, brain division, etc and every time nature does this it's new and not every time this happens perfectly.

I do hope this helps it's helped me realize and also appreciate how amazingly hard the whole process is.

RE: clots -I only remember passing grey type matter as clots, my doctor said most of it would have been naturally broken up.

It took me along time to get over my m/c and sad to say never gotten over them but definately stronger person and probably a more teary one at grief in any form

Take Care do something nice for yourself.

HUgs

ChiTownLady · 17/07/2006 14:43

Thankyou again to everyone...bleeding a little heavier now and am jsut waiting now to get to see the ob/gyn this morning hopefully - feeling very achey and tired.
Everything came to a head last night and I just cried and cried and cried - first time i had really done so since finding out so think I had just been avoiding things..just so want this all to be over now..

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ChiTownLady · 18/07/2006 01:08

well i'm back after a prety horrific day...(hope not TMI) went to the ob/gyn who said they couldnt do anything until tuesday morning. Was by now in really bad pain ( could barely stand up) so by pulling some strings she managed to get me squeezed in to get put onto an IV so I could get some painkillers....fine except got no painkillers until about 3 hrs later after I had been crying in pain for about 2 hrs. Honestly the worst pain I have ever had ( worse than contractions)
I ended up passing most of the stuff whilst waiting to get taken to theatre and in agony ( also had not eaten or drunk anything all day and was not 3 pm) they got me ready for theatre and had to go to bathroom and I am sure main bits came out so just awful really and just seemed like I had the worst of all the worlds - no pain having to deal with all the stuff - then going to theatre...
Anyhow its all over now feel numb/empty and very tired and sore - thanks o everyone for all their help and advice and I am glad its just all over now and I can get on wih grieving.
Havent been able to tell my mum yet as she has been away in france so havegot to deal with that conversation tomorrow.
DH has been great and ds who has been wiping my tears better

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Alipiggie · 18/07/2006 01:11

Sending you big . Glad you're getting support that you need. I'm so very very sorry. Take care of yourself and I hope we can chat via email again soon, when you're feeling up to it.

foundintranslation · 18/07/2006 06:53

Oh CTL I'm so sorry. Take all the time you need to recover from this experience. Thinking of you. xx

CarolinaMoose · 18/07/2006 09:10

I'm so sorry CTL - what a horrible experience .

Your dh sounds fab. Take care of yourself.

xxx

Flip

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