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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Estranged Half-Sister Died This Weekend

23 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2006 19:32

Got a call from my sister this morning to say our half-sister is dead. I hadn't been on good terms with her in forever, and it's not like I ever saw her, but still, it's sad. Looks like an OD.

I need to call her daughter this evening (my niece), who was also estranged from her mom. No idea what to say ... what a mess.

OP posts:

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Beetroot · 09/07/2006 19:35

NQC, i am sorry, even though you were estranged I am sure it is difficult. Your niece will appreciate a call. Dont, plan=n what to say,see how it goes. She will need some support and love at this time.

Good Luck.

SSSandy · 09/07/2006 19:36

Hi, sorry to hear that Very sad that she felt unable to keep going.

Just listen to what your niece has to say, I guess. Will you be attending the funeral?

sobernow · 09/07/2006 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2006 19:38

No, it will be in Canada, and there probably won't be one.

I don't think she was in touch with any of her family any more ... dunno. She got out of prison (murder) a few years back. I think she went back to her old drug habits.

She was a good bit older than me, and not actually related. We didn't grow up together, either. But I knew about her when I was a kid, and my dad saw her as his daughter, at least until things went very wrong.

We do all get on well with her daughter, who has made a good life for herself.

OP posts:

sobernow · 09/07/2006 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2006 19:48

Oh, no. Much more complicated than that.

Long before my mom met my dad, he was dating someone. They broke up. She started seeing a married guy, and got pregnant. Abortion wasn't legal. She explained the situation to my dad, who was a good guy, and married her, knowing the kid wasn't his. And raised her as his own. They went on to have another child together, my half-brother (even more estranged than my half-sister).

Then they broke up. Dad's ex-wife was (is) quite seriously broken, and unfortunately didn't take very good care of her kids. Dad wanted custody when they split, but in those days, it just wasn't even vaguely possible.

I only found out my half-sister wasn't actually a blood relative when her daughter (my niece) was diagnosed with petit mal epilepsy, and my parents wanted us to know it wasn't in our genes.

It's particularly hard as my mom died suddenly in February. And I lost a different niece on this wing of the family to an OD, a few years back.

OP posts:

sobernow · 09/07/2006 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2006 20:11

I'm ok about my niece, I guess. I mean, it really sucks, but her life sucked, and it's not a surprise, unfortunately.

My half-sister's life sucked, too.

I'm not really over my mom's death yet, but I was on speaking terms with my mom when she died, and she was part of my life, which makes a bit of a difference.

OP posts:

sobernow · 09/07/2006 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 09/07/2006 20:22

So sorry NQC.

NatsF · 09/07/2006 21:22

NQC
Your life story sounds awful but if it is any comfort people know what you are going through. I lost my mum 9 days after my daughter was born - she is 7 months old now and I am still not sure how I get through each day.
My advice is go to a counsellor as mine really helped me even though I miss her like crazy. Another friend of mine lost both her parents within a year and she still goes to a counsellor on a weekly basis
Just take comfort from your family x

DollyP · 09/07/2006 21:27

So sorry to read this NQC - sending you best wishes, positive thoughts and prayers.

Take care X

bran · 09/07/2006 21:41

NQC, I was really hoping that this wasn't you when I saw the thread title. You've had a really shit few months, and I'm very sorry to hear about your half-sister, estranged or not it's always tough to have a death in the family. I'm sending positive thoughts just for you.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2006 21:51

Thanks guys. My sister's death (and life) are more a source of frustration than mourning to me, at least at the moment. (She's been dead to me for years.)

(My early life wasn't really anything like my half-sister's, or my nieces. Thankfully.)

I probably will get counselling re: my mom's death. I think I am dealing ok with it, but am going back home for the first time since her death, next month, which will no doubt be hard work.

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NotQuiteCockney · 09/07/2006 21:52

Annoyingly, I can't reach my niece. I am a bit worried about her, she got herself out of a very bad situation as a child, and I worry she might have survivors' guilt, to be honest. (At about 14, she moved in with a single mom of four, who lived down the street from her, helping out in exchange for room + board. As that was better than living at home.)

She does have reasonable real-life support, though. I think.

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ScoobyDooooo · 09/07/2006 21:55

so sorry to hear this sad news xx

NotQuiteCockney · 10/07/2006 09:27

I'm feeling worse today. It's probably not helped by the fact I feel I can't get into all this with people I know in real life. The whole thing is too complicated, and too soap-opera. Well, I have a few irl friends I can explain this to, maybe. It just sounds too fantastic and weird tbh, the murder, the two ODs, all the strange and sad circumstances. (My in-laws, for example, know nothing of all this.)

Another mum said to me, "Have a nice day" and I nearly burst into tears. Not ideal.

And I have started remembering a couple of nice things about my half-sister, she was, sorta, a friend to me, for a little while. It's all just so sad.

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NappiesGalore · 10/07/2006 09:42

nowt so strange as real life is there?

got nothing to say thats any use to you, but i wanted to send symapathy and virtual hugs

wilbur · 10/07/2006 09:58

NQC - I'm so sorry to hear this, it's tough to have another loss to contemplate (even if you were estranged) when you are still dealing with your Mom's death. I hope you can find some help with it all - counselling can be a tremendous comfort and a good place to be able to talk about it all without feeling self-conscious. Take care.

alicemama · 10/07/2006 10:11

NQC, only just read this today.
I'm so sorry you have this to deal with as well as the loss of you mother.
I don't really have anything useful to say but wanted to send you my best wishes and positive thoughts.

NotQuiteCockney · 11/07/2006 19:39

I finally got ahold of my niece yesterday, and she sounded absolutely fine, just her usual self really. I think she hadn't been on good terms with her mom for years and years, anyway. She said it was inevitable, which is true enough, I guess. I think she was more upset over my mum's death, as my mum was a fairly active grandparent to her (we used to have her over for the weekend, every weekend, or every other weekend, for ages.).

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NotQuiteCockney · 11/07/2006 19:40

Oh, and I'm feeling okish. I think it's just reminded me more of my mum's death, I guess. Hard to say. And as I'm planning a trip back home for late August (and dreading it, or at least parts of it, tbh), all this is on my mind more, I guess.

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Dottydot · 11/07/2006 19:43

Just seen this and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss - like you say, it's all just so sad - doesn't matter that you were estranged, it must still be a shock and upsetting - lots of love xx

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