What is normal after loosing a child?

[amyjade]

My beautiful 19 month old daughter Freya died 14 months ago from Pneumococcal meningitis and this piece below totally sums up my life now, i'm sure other bereaved parents will relate to it as well.


What is normal after loosing a child?
After loosing a child normal is???

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, Birthday?s and Easter.

Normal for me is going to bed feeling like your children who are alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead are stuck with sober, cautious people.

Normal for me is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families? life.

Normal for me is staring at EVERY little girl who looks about my angels age. Then thinking of the age my angel would have been now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen.

Normal for me is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.

Normal for me is seeing my children at the cemetery visiting their sisters grave and thinking, how could this be normal? They shouldn?t have to be going through this.

Normal for me is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honour my child?s memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit?s the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really.

Normal is being impatient with everything but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is wondering whether to accept the invitation to your cousins wedding next month or will it coincide with one of your ?bad? days when you just fall apart.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have one or two children because you will never see this person again and it?s not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say only one to avoid that problem you feel horrible as though you have betrayed that child.

Normal is avoiding playgrounds because of small happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is planning alternate routes through stores so you don?t have to be confronted by with the ?dreaded aisles,? while nevertheless dodging prams and pushchairs and children no matter where you go.

Normal is sometimes not being able to bear looking at photo albums, and other times being grateful they?re covered in plastic so your endless flow of tears won?t ruin the pictures?

This is normal for the rest of my life??.

[yorkshirelass79]

Message withdrawn

[throckenholt]

so sad.

But it is early days yet - gradually your normal will change and you will not be so sad all the time, and be able to appreciate the positive.

Take one day at a time.

[bundle]

amyjade, so sorry for your loss. did you see this?

[expatinscotland]

I'm so sorry, amy.

I won't patronise you, though, and say, 'Oh, you'll get better,' b/c I know that's not 100% true.

My gran lost a daughter at the age of 2 to Spanish Flu. My gran was only 18 and was widowed by the disease as well, although she later remarried and had five other children.

But she died 74 years later whispering that girl's name, w/the most peaceful smile on her face.

Many of our thoughts are with you, amy, and with your little girl and your family.

(((HUGS)))

[waterfalls]

oh amyjade

[LadyTophamHatt]

I wish I knew what to say....

[LIZS]

I'm so sorry. I cannot begin to imagine how painful even small everyday things must be. I just hope your "normal" life becomes a little less hard to deal with

The younger sister of one of dd's class mates died suddenly last Autumn. Yesterday we all received a lovely note from the family letting us know how the money we contributed had been used in her memory - I cried for them , they seem so brave.

[Marina]

Amyjade
Bundle's article link is very good

[Lolabelle]

Amyjade your words have put all the irrelevant rubbish that I have been fretting about into prespective - I wish I knew what to say I really do. xx

[lanismum]

iv a 16 month old dd and i cant imagine what you are going through, iv seen pictures of freya, shes beautiful, and im so so sorry for your loss

[snuffy143]

Amyjade - I am so sorry for your experience. You are so right about so many things...especially about feeling as if your children shouldn't have to go through it all. Our best friends lost their 10 month old princess a year ago on Saturday. Today is the anniversary of her accident. 2 days later they switched off the machines. My DD (7) was devasted, as were and are we all but she feels it very much. When my FIL's cat died earlier in the year, she said 'At least its not as bad as when Aaliyah died'. My heart broke that at 7 she has that experience in her little life. You never get ober it, huh? It just shapes you as a person. I have watched my friend in pieces and have learned that all her responses, however odd to me, are normal in her circumstances.

[mixedemotions123]

Amyjade, Just wanted to say that you are an inspiration to all mums everywhere. Nobody can fully appreciate how devastating the loss of a child can be unless they have been through the same tragic loss. I only know (thank god) that it is bad enough when you think you may lose one. Ds had Strep B Meningitis at 3 weeks of age. So So wish things could have turned out differently for your darling little girl, and that you didn't have to feel the pain that engulfs you 24/7.
Keep strong Amyjade, and hold on to your precious memories. Only wish I could say or do more.

[JellyNump]

Yes some of that is normal for me too!! I always try to say I have 2 children but then its hard to explain what happened to ds and the person who asked feels terrible. I'm now in a way 'looking forward' to dying so I can see my baby again.
It also hurts more and more now when I hear something on the news or read in a paper about a child who has been hurt or worse, because I loved my baby and he died, yet people are given children they just don't love and I hate them for it.

[expatinscotland]

'I'm now in a way 'looking forward' to dying so I can see my baby again. '

Aw, Jelly! I'm so sorry! My gran did see her little girl again. Her eldest surviving daughter heard her whispering her name, now my dd2's middle name, and called the rest of her siblings in. We were all in the waiting room when she came out and told my dad and her three other siblings, 'She's calling our sister, she'll not be long.'

My father said she was smiling when she closed her eyes and breathed her last.

[biglips]

amyjade - im not gonna read it now but will do later as im not fully awake yet BUT just wanted to say that your DD is the one on here that REALLY stuck on my mind

im so sorry and i wanna give you a big hug {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

This sadness never goes away.

[hulababy]

amyjade. I can't imagine what you ae going through. Your daughter is beautiful.

[Alan]

there was an article a couple of weeks ago in the one of the papers aswell about losing a child or sibling young. It was so true, it described the person as casting a shadow over the rest of your life because you would imagine them now and that never goes away.

[amyjade]

Thanks Everyone. xx

How wondefull expat that your gran was reunited with her daughter ! i'm sure i will be smiling too the moment i see my precious little girl again.

In the mean time i know i have to battle through life as i have Dd2 to think of, what sort of life would she have without a sister or a mum?
I am also expecting another baby in November and i know these children will give me a reason to smile.


Snuffy143, Thinking of your friends tomorrow on the anniversary of their daughters death. xx

[biglips]

WOW!!!!! Big Congrats as i didnt know you was expecting xx

[JellyNump]

My gran lost a baby boy when she was about 5 months pregnant, she died in August last year and ds Jesse died in May last year, so I'm hoping she will meet up with her baby and look after Jesse til I get there too.

[manitz]

I think the article Alan's referring to was in the Guardian weekend section. It was the first time I'd read one that 'got it', however it was about a long held bereavement and might not reflect how you feel so soon after losing a child.

[manitz]

apologies, this is the one I was referring to. it's written about sibling bereavement.

[Alan]

yes it was that one mantiz, I think I 'got it' as I have lost my sister (although it is pretty recent, 4 years but I can see the pattern emerging already) I remembered it today as I felt it is the same in this sort of situation. My Mum has lost her daughter also and even though she was 21 and not a 'child' the bereavement is still the same. they are still your child You just cant put the enormity of that into words

[mixedemotions123]

Jellynump, just wanted to say thinking of you too. People say time is a healer, I think that you learn to live with your loss as you have no option to do otherwise, but I am not sure that it gets easier. Thankgod I have only ever come close to losing a child, my bereavements are my mum and my first husband. The loss of them both has been hard enough to deal with, but god only knows how you poor mums cope with losing your precious babies.