What to say - friend has to have d&c

[Shivs1974]

One of my friends went for her dating scan today. Her dh has just called to say that she'd had a missed miscarriage and would have to a d&c in the next few days.
We both had our daughters around the same time & I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my second.
I just wondered whether anyone could give me some advice as to what to say (or rather what not to say) when I speak to her. I'm sure I'm one of the last people she wants to see as my big tummy will be a reminder of her hopes & dreams....
Many thanks

[bramblina]

Shivs I had my first mc when my close friend was about 3 wks ahead of me in her pg. We met up with them one night, about 2 weeks after it happened. I was nervous about her new bump, turms out she was more nervous than me- she came and sat beside me to ask how I was etc, all I wanted her to do was hug me and she didn't because she was worried I'd feel the bump and get upset. It sounds so trivial, but it's even sad for me to think about it now. So if I were your friend, I would want you to ba as supportive as you would be pg or not pg, and TBH not mention the pg till she does. She may really want you to, she may not, either way sh'ell probably tell you, but she'll really need you just now so don't hold back on those hugs.

Ooooh I've got all upset- it was 4 yrs ago and I've had another 3 mcs since then but the first is def. the hardest.

I really hope your friend is ok, I'll be thinking of her. HTH

[Shivs1974]

Thank you bramblina. Really appreciate you answering - that's what I thought but I just wasn't sure.
I'll let her choose the moment and will take my lead from her but I will be there to listen & to be a shoulder to cry on.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I'm sorry if by responding you got upset....

[bramblina]

Not at all. I can see you're making such an effort by asking this in the first place, she'll be glad of your shoulder. When do you plan to see her? I received 2 cards when I had the first. They were from freinds who were far away. It's not the kind of thing you can buy a card for in the shops (!) but knowing these people thought enough to send one was really touching, and I'll never forget that. If you won't see her soon, bear that in mind. Let me know how you, and she, gets on.

ps, when you say she "has to have a d&c", has she been given the choice? I was given a choice and didn't go for the d&c. I took a course of drugs which sped up the process "naturally". I know a few others who weren't given a choice- I'm wondering if she has, but chose it? I just don't like the thought of these decisions being made for someone in this situation. Though I don't suppose it's the kind of thing you would want to bring up.

Good luck.

[Shivs1974]

Bramblina - thank you so much for responding. I sent my friend a card and spoke to her a few days ago. Her dh was away with work this week and so her parents were keeping her company - I hope to see her tomorrow, depending on how she's feeling. I don't know whether she was given a choice re d&c - I think she didn't want to wait for nature to take its course.
I will certainly keep an eye on her though to make sure she's okay.
Thanks for responding - I really appreciate it.