Please join us here if you have lost a parent and need support (3)

(1000 Posts)
mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 12:47:05

Well here we are again on a brand new thread,hopefully we can all move on a bit to a more accepting phase in our lives.

vladthedisorganised Wed 11-Sep-13 13:02:29

Hi mummylin, how are you doing? It's been a while since I've posted anything but thank you so much for starting this up.

I had a second miscarriage a few weeks ago and Mum's absence has hit me like a truck all over again. DH kind of closes the door on the whole thing (he was very good during the first miscarriage but this time spent most of it ranting about how he hated waiting around in hospital hmm).

It's been a year since Mum's diagnosis and it brings back a lot of sad memories - the hope that it might not be cancer, the hope that she might be cured, and the hope that we'd have her with us for years turning into a desperate hope that she wouldn't die on a 'significant' day.

Finally plucked up the courage to phone my aunt and talk about it - she's been having a hard time too and I think we were both reassured. Not sure how my uncle is dealing with it but I think it's too much for DH and he really doesn't want to know at the moment - but doesn't like it when I seem anxious, which is what happens when I try to be all Stepford sunshine and I'm feeling like crap on the inside.

thanks to all who have recently joined these threads - I'm so sorry for your losses.

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 13:10:21

Hi vlad lovely to see you but not so good to hear your other news. I'm sorry you had to go through that again. I'm sure you will get your wish in the end. I think we all do that thing where we go back to the awful days and then relive it all over again , I wonder if we will do this forever ? I am no too bad myself but like everyone else it only takes a small thing to upset me all over again, but we have got this far and so that is something. I think that DH,s/ DP,s like to bury their heads sometimes and pretend things aren't happening.

Marshy Wed 11-Sep-13 13:47:38

Hi all,
Just checking in on the new thread. Thanks for sorting it mummylin. Have just done a massive food shop for dd to take with her on Sunday. Cost a bloody fortune but hopefully it will keep her in the basics for a good few weeks and we had a nice time doing it.

I've dropped her off to get her hair trimmed and have a few quiet minutes in the house before sorting the shopping and going to pick her up again. Nice to find the new thread..
See you all later

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 14:33:51

Yes I'm sure all shopping increases every bloody week. Is your dd excited marshy ?

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 14:43:02

Vlad..I'm so sorry. I have had mc and its desperately hard. flowers
Dh has had today off. I haven't really spoken to him all day. I have absolutely nothing to say to him that isn't swearing sad
Ds2 seems Perkier today and I have managed to get the go to refer him to the respitory paed.
Parish council have rung and we can't have a bench for dad near his plot sad so dont know what to do now...they have suggested a tree with a plaque.
Still seems so unreal to be talking about this sort of stuff.
Thanks for the new thread Lin x

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 16:26:37

Oh that's a shame about your bench badvoc what did they say was the reason you couldn't put it up ? There are quite a few benches in our cemeteries. I know some places are very fussy , but we are lucky here, they don't mind mums putting all sorts of things on the children's graves but I know some places they don't allow it which I personally think is awful. I hope you come up with an alternative which will suit you a shout family.
Re miscarriages, my dd had three before they investigated and all it was found to be was that her body wasnt making the hormone to sustain a pregnancy. They then gave her hormone injections for 14 weeks and she was fine, why do they make people go through that so many times before finding out what is wrong.

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 17:08:52

Basically the rules have changed (?) and the benches now have to be at the back of the cemetery which is quite a way from dads plot.
We might go for a tree with a plaque instead.
Mum will be upset sad

we are only allowed to plant woodland flowers or lay cut flowers at mums. wish I could buy little plaques and hanging ornaments

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 17:53:15

It seems odd to me tbh. There are other benches in corners but apparently the rules have altered since they were placed there?
Those rules seem a bit draconian SM!

yep woodland things so daffodils before currently foxgloves. any lay any flowers we want but nothing else. seen a lovely nanna ornament so we ended up putting it in our own memory garden

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 19:14:25

I have had a thought for Xmas...I am going to get a Helium balloon (s) and get the boys to write a message on for dad and we will release it.
Does that sounds silly?

Wuldric Wed 11-Sep-13 19:54:54

Thanks for the new thread Mummylin

Badvoc - releasing a balloon sounds lovely.

Badvoc Wed 11-Sep-13 20:03:37

Thanks wuldric. How are you?

Wuldric Wed 11-Sep-13 20:14:04

Bumbling along being pretty ineffective generally tbh - hope you're okay smile

Has anyone started dealing with photographs and trying to sort through them all? I have two massive boxes full of them. Some of them are in albums already but there is a mountain of photos just in those wallet things that need sorting through. Is there a better way of doing it? Probably I could try to store them digitally but it would still be the same amount of sorting ...

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 20:31:30

wuldric I still have boxes of stuff of my mums to sort out, I just am never in the mood to do it, luckily mum already had all her photos in albums. It's all the other stuff that I insisted on keeping !
badvoc that is a lovely idea. Your idea nowhere near as silly as what I did on sat. I turned my mums photo round so she could "watch" last night of the proms !

kansasmum Wed 11-Sep-13 23:23:17

Just seen this thread. Having bad night - been to see 'About Time' at the cinema with my sister. Bittersweet for me and my sis- if you haven't seen it the main character can time travel and after his Dad dies he can go back and talk to him. God how I WISH I could do that. I would give anything to have another hour/day/minute with my dad.
3 months on and it feels like yesterday...

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 23:37:20

Hello kansamum I think we would all echo your sentiment. Just one minute would do. I am very sorry for your loss and we all understand on this thread what terrible grief death brings to us.i think we all just go along and think our parents are here forever , then one day they are not and its awful without them isn't it. I feel like a little child without my mum, yet I have three grandchildren. Please feel welcome on this thread, there is usually someone here to reply to any posts.And it's a good place to have a little rant if you need to . It has been invaluable for me to be able to chat with others who understand completely the different emotions we all go through . We hope this thread can help you through it all

kansasmum Wed 11-Sep-13 23:47:21

Thanks mummylin. It's good to know I'm not alone.
Another thing I've found really hard ( and this may be selfish & harsh of me) is loads of people ask how my mum is but hardly anyone asks how I am anymore. I find my mum very difficult - we are like oil and water, I love her but find her very difficult. She is a very self centred person. I know her loss is huge but mine is too.

Mum doesn't ask how I am doing - ever. Never has since Dad got ill. Still blames me cos I said Dad needed syringe driver to control his pain when he could no loner swallow- she told me I was hastening his death. Hospice nurses repeatedly told her that wasn't true but she thinks it did.

Sorry random stuff coming out....

mummylin Wed 11-Sep-13 23:54:33

I'm afraid that is what happens , after a couple of weeks everyone expects us to be " okay " and just resume our lives as normal. It is usually people who still have their parents who do this and have no idea how bloody painful it is . It is a fact that our lives will never be the same again and it's hard trying to get our lives back to some semblance of how it used to be. It is heartbreaking. The loss is almost insurmountable, but we will all get through it with help from each other . It is very recent for you and I remember the first few awful weeks, then I had a real physical pain inside all the time. Now that has lessened as it soon will be two years for me, I think about my mum every day and miss her as much now as when it happened
I understand about the driver, but you didn't hasten your dads death. You just made it more bearable for him. I expect your mum is hitting out because she is upset.

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 07:39:50

Oh yes.
My mum is worried about my brother apparently!
My brother who has fine nothing, never comes to see her and spends most of his free time in the pub.
Me however, who isn't eating or sleeping...not so much.
I dint think I got an hour last night.
am not speaking to dh.
Ds2 off school poorly.
All in all it's going to be a fun day

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 07:40:16

Lin...my ds1 did that with dads photo when one of his fave programmes came on! smile

ssd Thu 12-Sep-13 08:04:34

these posts here all make me smile and nod, even the sad ones, they are so familiar, we all seem to be going through the same thing at one time or another.......dh's who dont understand, even if they have lost their parents, friends who have living parents offering advice that seems to be from the moon and kames us feel worse, people being surprised we're not "over it" by now (whenever now is), no one asking US how we are, no one at all seeing the pain on your face or in your voice....it just goes on and on

I love this thread but I really wish I could set up clubs around the country where people could come and grieve for an hour or two, really rant and rave and cry and instead of being looked at like they're mad, they got a big hug and a strong cup of tea!....wouldn't that be just what we all need! I'm waiting for cruse to call me about an apt but its a 3 month wait because they are a voluntary organisation and they are swamped with people needing them. Isnt that awful, so many people like me waiting to talk to a stranger about the death of a beloved family member because the rest of the world cant see they are suffering. My own siblings have no idea, they'd be amazed to think I suffered beyond a few weeks, maybe not even that long.

Mummylin, don't think this is a daft suggestion, but I really think you should consider writing a book about all this. You probably don't realise the comfort you give people here, you seem to have a knack of hitting the nail on the head and addressing exactly the problem with a few kind words and it sends such comfort to people who are hurting. I think if you have time, you should consider this!

need to go be back soon xx

vladthedisorganised Thu 12-Sep-13 09:27:14

Oh kansasmum, absolutely!
I lost count of the people who said 'it must be so hard for your dad', or 'you must look after your dad' - which in some way was worse as it seemed to imply not only that I didn't need looking after myself, but that I wouldn't look out for my dad unless someone reminded me! People are often well-meaning but clueless.. and sometimes someone completely gets it, and it's nice in a way.

It must be so hard to have your mum so angry, but I think she's lashing out because she's angry that your dad died - kicking the cat if you like. You know that having the driver meant he wasn't in pain, and deep down so does your mum. Doesn't make it easier for you though.

I completely agree about the clubs, ssd; and I've been trying to think about how I do this myself. I know a few people who've lost parents recently and we've all experienced a similar thing - being told left right and centre that we 'need to be strong' for the surviving parent and our families, while wishing we had the time to be looked after too.

Badvoc I wish I could come over - it's bad enough to have an ill DC at the best of times but at the moment it must be the last thing you need. Hope he gets some sleep so you get some time to yourself.

Badvoc Thu 12-Sep-13 09:38:29

I wish you could too vlad! <sniff>
Am trying to potter around and do a few jobs but hard with ds2 here and wanting attention.
He has already watched a DVD (bad mother) and played building bricks.
Oh god, now he has the animatronic dinosaur! It's soooo loud! Argh.

This thread is not accepting new messages.