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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

i don't even know how to start to deal with it

44 replies

MerlinsBeard · 13/06/2006 09:54

(Brief summary...was pg, started to bleed so had ascan which said ther was a 5-6 week sac where there should have been a 9 week baby, lost it that night although its not been confirmed - nothing else it could be though -but have another scan on friday)

I have sort of shoved all my feelings to one side and i just feel numb really, don't feel able to even start to deal with it while i am looking after the boys (3 and 1), i have no time to myself at all and i really really need some but can't get away. Will even have to take the boys to next scan as no one to watch them. Was dealing with the physical pain first and now that that has stopped i feel hollow and not really knowing what to do with myself

don't really know why i am typing this, its not making sense

OP posts:

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Feistybird · 13/06/2006 10:01

It is making sense MoM. I have no experience and there will be those who have some good advice here soon, but your grief, from your post is tangible. Could you talk to your GP, maybe get some counselling?

LadyTophamHatt · 13/06/2006 10:06

I wish I knew a way to make you feel better MoM, I really do.

I'll send you a {{{{hug}}}} in the hope it will bring a little smile to your face.

(you don't know how honoured you are....I don't do hugs on MN !!!)

Nemo1977 · 13/06/2006 10:06

Aww mom sweetheart huge hugs to you. Firstly when I had missed mc so had to go back for rescans then I didnt start dealing with it until I had the last scan. There is no way to explain how you deal but you just do. I do think you need to take someone with you to the scan..a friend or your dp or even your mum???? You know where I am if you want to talk...been through it 3 times in different ways and I know it is very raw but it does get easier.

KristinaM · 13/06/2006 10:09

so sorry about your baby

MerlinsBeard · 13/06/2006 10:14

thanks everyone

LTH ur hug made me cry :(

Nemo, DP is coming with me which means the boys have to come too as everyone else is working

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FlameBoo · 13/06/2006 10:15

I was hoping that this would be you - I have been worrying lots about your fingers in your ears method.

I'm guessing that there is no way you can afford a coach or train (with children) down here? Between us, me n Psycho could fit you in somewhere, and it would give you help, and space away from rl to be able to grieve.

MerlinsBeard · 13/06/2006 10:16

flame, i just posted in the other place too, its life i need a break from which includes DP and the boys as well as myself. If we had the money i would be there but the boys need tehir routines even if that does include lots more cbeebies at the moment.

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PrettyCandles · 13/06/2006 10:21

Miscarriage is gruesome and hurts your heart so much. I had to take dd with me when I went to hospital and found to my astonishment that having her there really helped me get trhough it all. \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1367&threadid=114000#2453027\here}

Let yourself mourn. The grief will ease eventually. And you can tell your boys that you are feeling ill and sad - they will not come to any harm from that.

Nemo1977 · 13/06/2006 10:23

MOM I know you are worried about taking the boys with you but it actually made it easier for me when we took Adam to the scan. IT was not out of choice as we had no one to mind him but it was actually a bit of a blessing in disguise.

MerlinsBeard · 13/06/2006 10:25

Thanks for that pretty candles

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notanotter · 13/06/2006 10:28

me too mom i really feel for you xxx i took my youngest to scan (i really knew outcome but ...) it did help as i counted my blessings and held him tight xx

LadyTophamHatt · 13/06/2006 10:28

Ohhh, MoM I'm sorry...it wasn't meant to make you cry.

You take care, Ok?

xxx

CaptainDippy · 13/06/2006 10:44

So aorry MofM! Thinking of you and praying for you. //[hugs] Where do you live??

TOD · 13/06/2006 10:46

So sorry to hear of you huge loss, sending lots of hugs your way xxxx.

MerlinsBeard · 13/06/2006 10:46

Thanks (i think) captain dippy. I am in NW .

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CaptainDippy · 13/06/2006 11:55

Sorry - I didn't mean to offend.

threelittlebabies · 13/06/2006 12:12

Oh mom I have been wondering how you are, but didn't want to keep asking you on msn. I would have the boys for you if you wanted- don't know if they would stay with me though. The offer is there if you decide you really can't take them along. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It won't always hurt this much, but there's no way to speed up time unfortunately. Again, if you needed a few hours to yourself (in lieu of being able to take longer) I would be happy to have the boys here to play with J. I will be thinking of you

MerlinsBeard · 13/06/2006 12:51

captain dippy, u didn't offend at all. it was a lovely thing to say. i don't know where i stand with regards to religion really and in particular have issues with praying (my own) whic go much deeper than this.

3lb, thank you for the offer. I don't think that ds1 wouold stay as he doesn't know u and i know as sure as hell taht ds2 would create merry hell if we left him with a stranger. thank you for being lovely. am prob going to turn my msn off for a few days while i figure out what i am supposed to do anyway.

Thank you again xxxxxx

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CaptainDippy · 14/06/2006 10:07

That's ok - I just didn't want to think that I had upset you in any way, you have enough on your plate already. How are you doing today? - Thinking of you, especially as you go for the scan. I would definitely look after your little one's if you lived nearer and if they'd put up with me and my 'orrible lot!! //[hugs] to you and yours. xx

MerlinsBeard · 14/06/2006 18:13

Thank you CD. Am doing ok today, lots of tears and overwhelming tiredness (am not sleeping very well). Scan is on friday at 9:10 but i have to take the boys to toddlers after that (trying to keep them as normal as poss) so not able to post until after lunch

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Elibean · 15/06/2006 16:38

Was wondering how you were, MoM....I'm so sorry, and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. All my m/cs were pre-child, so I have no words of wisdom...but remember the numbness very well, its a horrible part of the grieving process but (fwiw) normal.
I found planting something helped the ache and the emptiness (I think miscarriage is a pig to grieve, because its so...'invisible') but I didn't do it straight away. And maybe thats just me.
Hugs from me too, xxx

MerlinsBeard · 15/06/2006 19:35

Thanks Elibean, we did think about planting something but i am hopeless in the garden and couldn't bear it if it died :( will post again tomo, thank you all fo ryour thoughts xx

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Elibean · 15/06/2006 20:15

I know, me too....and one of my plantings did die, but not for a couple of years (by which time it felt sort of ok). My best choice was narcissi bulbs, which take care of themselves and pop up unexpectedly every spring to make me smile and cry a little...I love them. They have a weird knack of flowering on Mothers Day.
Really hope the scan tells you the physical part is ok...I think the real healing can only start once the physical healing is done.
xxxx

CaptainDippy · 16/06/2006 11:29

Hi MofM - Just want you to know that I was thinking of you as you went for your scan this morning. Sending you //[[hugs]] Hope everything is not so bad. Words are so inadequate. xxxx

MerlinsBeard · 16/06/2006 11:58

Thanks CD.

There are still "products" left but she said they wouldn't offer surgery as they may not find it so we have to wait and pass it normally. so another 2 weeks until we can check its all gone with another scan :(

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