I feel so alone

(9 Posts)
razzleton Thu 04-Jul-13 05:35:20

This is my first post on mn, I started writing this in relationships, but then realised it probably belongs here.
I lost my Mum two years ago, her death was totally unexpected and sudden. We found out through that dreaded middle of the night phone call. To make matters worse we lived overseas and had a 3 month old and 13 month old, so it took about 3 days to get home to the family.
We arrived back in the uk to find my family traumatised and barely functioning (except through alcohol, to deal with the shock..)
As a parents to a newborn and toddler, with that new born lack of sleep and extreme jet-lag, my husband and I found ourselves having to take the lead and provide emotional stability to the family, my Dad in particular.
The 6 weeks we had in the uk were hard....the worst of my life, I can't even put into words how it felt...To top it all off the (toxic) MIL used this time to raise all the "issues" she had with us including how she hadn't received enough attention at my Mums funeral, issues she had with how we had organised our wedding 5 years earlier, our selfishness at living overseas etc,etc.... To this day I still feel bitter that instead of receiving support during this time, the IL's just added more emotional pressure. We didn't receive any support with the children...my family were incapable and the IL's just cut themselves off. If it weren't for my husband, I don"t know how I'd have coped.
We returned home (overseas), and that's when I was finally able to start grieving properly. I was diagnosed PND put on medication and began to turn my grief into positive direction.
On the whole, I try to live a positive life, with the thought that that is how Mum would have wanted us to live - it's how she raised us.
The problem is, I still carry alot of bitterness. In particular towards the IL's and their complete lack of empathy....they still haven't acknowledged to this day that how they behaved was wrong in anyway.
Also, and I don"t really know how to put this into words. I just feel so alone. I guess part of it will be that being overseas with all our family in the uk, we don't really have a support structure were we live (apart from our friends who all have their own family pressures).
I have a great husband, amazing kids, a good relationship with my siblings and Dad, it's just that I feel there is no one who completely gets it. No one who actually cares that I haven't had a lie in since before my daughter was born or that day to day life is a logistical struggle. No one who actually gives a shit really. I feel exhausted, and bitter but try to put a front of positivity and capability for everyone. I just wish I had someone who would say, "how are you...no really, how are you getting on..."
I'm sorry for the self pitying post, and I'm not really sure what response I am looking for, but it's helped putting things in words.

Oblomov Thu 04-Jul-13 05:46:19

You just need a big hug, don't you? Here's a big MN hug for you.
Hopefully it has been a relase for you, just to put it into writing.
Does your dh have ANY idea how you feel?
There are many people on MN who have had experience with bereavement, I do not, so hopefully they will be along soon.
BUT, maybe you need to talk/some counselling for this. Just some 'you time, to express all your emotions? You have lost your mum.

Plus, what to do about he IL's? Well, if they are the kind of people that will never change, then telling them how you feel, although might help YOU, won't change anything, so is it worth it?
Thus, MAYBE, the old trick of writing to them. writing it all down, to get rid of your bitterness, and then burning it/ destroying, it / throwing it away, is quite helpful, becuase you get rid of the bitterness. Let Go. that advice was given to me on a thread, when my best friend dumped me. It was very helpful.

Hope more Mn'ers with better advice come soon.

amazingmumof6 Thu 04-Jul-13 06:19:49

I'm so sorry for your loss and troubles.thanks thanks

I can identify with some of the things you mentioned - my dad died 3 years ago, 2am phone call. I was pg at the time.

I have no wise words, but wanted to send you big hugs. thanks

razzleton Thu 04-Jul-13 06:46:55

Thankyou for caring. Yes dh does know how I feel. You summed it up perfectly oblomov, the IL's don't listen and don't care. We have tried to put our feelings in writing to them, sent the letter, and they just dismissed it and raised all their issues they had with us. I feel really let down by them, and feel sad for my children, that not only have they lost my Mum, but also the chance of a normal relationship with their other grandparents.
I still miss my Mum every single day, and miss having someone who cares about all the mundane every day things which go on. My Dad and siblings care, but in a different way, and with no other grandchildren on the scene, don't fully appreciate what life can be like with a young family. I just feel exhausted, and increasing bitter about things. Thankyou for the hugs amazingmumof6.

officelady Thu 04-Jul-13 07:11:40

I've got to go and get ready for work so not enough time to reply properly but I couldn't read your post and not reply.
My mum died nearly a year ago, similarly to yours i.e. completely unexpected and suddenly. I was staying at her house at the time with my 2 children because we live 250 miles away and always go to stay for a week in the summer, kind of an annual holiday tradition. I can't even start to describe how awful it was. I had to administer CPR until the ambulance came, deal with the police when they arrived and speak to the coroner about the postmortem etc. My dad went to pieces (although I am glad to say he is doing brilliantly now). My husband was on the other side of the world (he's in the Navy) and I felt very alone.
My inlaws behaved quite bizarrely towards me too, I had always had a good relationship with them up to that point but they didn't come to mum's funeral because they "couldn't afford it" - then came round my house the following week and boasted that they had booked a holiday to New York for Christmas. I feel really bitter about this and some other things that they said/did around that time and I don't really think I will ever forgive them to be honest. My brother's extended families all came to the funeral and supported my brothers and my dad. My inlaws didn't even send a card or flowers.
I think about my mum every day and although I still have my dad it's not the same. I will never stop missing her.
I will probably come back and write some more later. I know that lots of people who have experienced a bereavement will tell you that what you are feeling is completely normal. It doesn't make it any easier though. Take care xxx

Cohenite Thu 04-Jul-13 07:28:13

I'm so sorry for your loss razzleton flowers

Grief, coupled with the crippling exhaustion that comes with having two tiny children, has knocked you for six. Is there any way that your Dad or siblings could help? Perhaps the time has come for you to stop putting on a front and allow your family to understand that you need a little help just now. Perhaps a visit to your GP to find out if there is any grief counselling available?

Have you spoken to any of your friends about how you're feeling? It may help a little.

travellingwilbury Thu 04-Jul-13 07:42:50

I am really sorry your mum died .

It sounds like your inlaws have always been a pain and unfortunately people Luke that were never going to step up and be helpful . It just isn't who they are . They are not capable . And as hard as that is for you and your dh to deal with , can you imagine being them ? To go through life without empathy and without being able to reach out and care for those closest to you . Bit of a shallow shite life really .
You can't change them , and I wouldn't even try .

I had similar after my son died , a couple of people who should have been a support to me where frankly bloody hopeless ( in laws too ) I battled in my head with them for a long time , I also told them at one point how hurtful they had been . It made no difference .

But I held on to it for too long , it was easier to he angry with how awful they were than deal with the reality that my son had died .

Talking about it helped me , do you think it would help you to have that space with a counsellor ?

And the two year mark does seem to be a really difficult one .

razzleton Tue 16-Jul-13 04:22:58

thankyou for all your lovely messages of support and for sharing your feelings of loss and pain.
After writing this I had an incredibly busy period at work (end of term) and almost had no time to think about things. Since then however I have crashed and burned (my poor dh, lol), which led me going back to my doctors today. She has offered 6 sessions of counseling, and more medication. I had more bitterness than I realised about things and it's almost a relief to acknowledge that I've not been coping, and actuallythat that is fine...... Thankyou again.

ssd Thu 18-Jul-13 14:42:51

razzleton, its funny I've just found this thread, I'm in the same position as you, grieving for my mum and angry and bitter about certain folk who weren't there for me at all

I seen a grief counsellor today, my first visit. I had to fill in a questionnaire and the second question was "do you feel any bitterness or resentment following your loss", the first question was "who has died and what was your relationship".

I think our feelings of being alone and let down seem to be common following a close death....sadly.

I feel for you..and for me. We both need hugs!!!

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