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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

my baby shoud be 1 today

28 replies

slinkstah · 21/05/2006 01:17

Its been a year since i said goodbye to my baby who was born at 10.36pm on 20th may 05. she was only 23 weeks gestation, i went into preterm labour and had a rescue cervical stitch but a few days later my membranes ruptured and my stitch was removed and i had a 12 hour labour and gave birth to my baby who only lived a minute or so, never breathed although tried hard to:(

she was not resusitated because only 24+ weeks is viable in this country. I begged drs to resusitate but they said no. i wish now i had offered to pay- i would have paid anything for my baby to be given a chance at life. I really would not have cared if she had cerebal palsy or worse i really just wanted her to have a life or a chance at life.

she was a big baby as people have talked to me about babys at that gestation fitting into their hand but my baby was the length of my thigh and did not fit into even my dh's hand.

we had a funeral and she was cremated since then her ashes have been at home with me. we have had a memorial tree for ages and recently bought a pot and we potted the tree and i decorated the pot with mosaics and stuff. im not ready to bury her ashes yet.

i can't believe its been a year, i still miss my baby so much, i am pg again but i still think of my baby girl every day.

my dh couldn't remember what time she was born or even what date the funeral was or anything, it upset me, i am the only person. friends and family have all forgotton that she did exist. not even a phone call:(
my friends even talk about the baby im pg with now as being my 3rd baby when its my forth, i go along with it all the time for an easy life but im screaming for someone other than me to reconise that she did exist and was real.

anyway just wanted to tell someone all this thanks MN for listening and keeping me sane xxxxxxx

OP posts:

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bunny3 · 21/05/2006 01:19

my heart goes out to you and your baby girl. Hang on to your memories.

LucyJu · 21/05/2006 08:29

I'm so sorry to hear about the sad loss f your daughter.

I'm sure she hasn't been forgotten by the people around you. It's just that most people simply don't know what to say. People worry that they might upset you by reminding you about what happened (as if you could ever forget).

I hope that the birth of you new baby will help to ease your grief and pain. And it really is fine to gently remind people that s/he is your fourth baby, not your third.

Sorry, I don't know what else to say.

wendy11 · 21/05/2006 16:01

Slinkstah

I can only say how sorry I am that you are having to through this. I know only too well the pain of losing a much longer for baby and the complete feeling of helplesness when there is nothing that you can do to make it better and make that little life stay with you whatever the consequences.

My little boy was born at 23 weeks on the 24th September 2004 and his 1 year bithday was also very traumatic for me. I spent most of the day in floods of tears - my Dh, mum and PIL did not know what to say to be right. To be honest I don't think they could have said anything on the actual day that would have helped. My best friend and her financee came to see me with a beautiful bunch of flowers and it was only later in the day when DH and I went to visit Adams grave that we found they had also left an arrangement of flowers on Adams grave with a lovely message attached.

Like LucyJu had said so many people are afraid of opening old wounds and instead prefer to say nothing at all but what they don't realise is that the wound never heals and that we do still need to talk about our little one who was only here for such a short time.

Take care

PanicPants · 21/05/2006 16:11

Oh slinkstah - thats so sad. I really feel for you. Perhaps people have remembered and just don't know what to say.

She did exist and she was, and always will be real.

:(

{{{{hugs}}}}

me23 · 21/05/2006 16:16

I'm so sorry, it must be very hard, thoughts are with you,
(((hugs)))

Greyhound · 21/05/2006 18:13

So very sad for you, you must miss your darling little girl so much ((((((hugs))))))

LaFleurStEmilion · 21/05/2006 21:53

Its only natural to feel the grief you are feeling. You had a beautiful little baby girl and no-one other than you are her Mum. No-one can ever take that away from you!

Time will make it easier for you and it's right never to forget the one you have loved.

About relatives etc: Sometimes people find it hard to talk to others about their loss: crossing the street to avoid talking / no phone calls etc. It helps to reassure others that you are ok to talk about the subject as sometimes it can be wrongly perceived to be "Not the done thing to say anything, as you might upset them" - whereas it can be just the opposite you actually need.

Did you go and see anyone about your loss? It may help. Lots of people take a while to bury the ashes - you'll know when the time is right to let her and your feelings free again. Perhaps to think of her alongside you rather than losing her again?

Sorry to have rambled on, but if you can give someone a hug and tell them it's ok in cyberland, I would (if you wanted it). I'm sure your little girl wouldn't want her lovely Mummy to always be sad.

Beauregard · 21/05/2006 22:05

What a terrible time for you .
I am so sad for you.

myermay · 21/05/2006 22:11

so sorry you lost your daughter. People haven't forgotten, they probably just don't know what to say to you, and feel that if they bring it up before you do then they'll upset you.

My SIL, lost her dd 8 yrs ago, i always give her flowers on her daughters bday, although i don't normally say much to her unless she wants to talk.

Can't imagine the heart ache your feeling

cori · 21/05/2006 22:19

Thinking of you slink. I know how hard it is. >

mrsdarcy · 21/05/2006 22:55

I'm so sorry, Slinkstah. My daughter should be 2.5 - she died at 19 weeks gestation. I now have another daughter but sometimes when I am holding her and feel her little heart beating, I think of the moment I was told that there was no heartbeat.

I hope your new baby brings you the joy and consolation that my daughter is bringing me.

tyedye · 21/05/2006 22:57

I buried 2 miscarriages,12 weeks each,each under a tree ,in my garden,i never knew the sex,feel for you,LET yourself go through a real grieving process.

harmonicacarrier · 21/05/2006 23:03

Slinkstah I am very sorry for your loss.
it is hard when no-one else remembers. with dd2 I used to say - when people asked - this is my fifth pregnancy - just because I felt disloyal to say - this is my second.
It's shit, isn't it? the pain and the loss. no one else understands, not really.
sending love
HC xx

flutterbee · 21/05/2006 23:05

slink I have no idea how anyone copes when something like this happens to them.

Dont be too hard on your dh although he didn't remember the exact times or date of the funeral I bet your dd is never far from his thoughts and he will be hurting just as much as you are.

I hope you have a happy and healthy pg and can't wait to read about the arrival of your 4th.

Thinking of you.

beetle73 · 21/05/2006 23:27

I'm so sorry about this Slinkstah. I haven't really known anyone in this situation in RL, but reading the stories on MN has made me more aware of the insensitivity that goes on. TBH I can quite imagine myself being just as insensitive without even knowing it.
Take care of yourself.

mosschops30 · 21/05/2006 23:28

so very sorry for you slinkstah, my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Maddison · 21/05/2006 23:44

Oh Slinkstah, I'm so sorry. I can only echo what other people have said in that others don't know what to say, maybe they don't know how to bring it up. Maybe they will talk about your precious daughter if you start the conversation.

Sorry I don't know what else to say, I can't imagine the pain you are obviously feeling xx

Arabica · 21/05/2006 23:44

I have been thinking of you Slinkstah. I can't imagine how terrible it must have been to lose your precious baby at 23wks. I send you much love and hope for the future.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/05/2006 23:52

Oh what a tough time you have had slinkstah. I am so sorry for your loss

bogwobbit · 22/05/2006 00:18

Oh slinkstah, poor you. I am so sorry to hear about your little girl - your story brought tears to my eyes. Of course your daughter was real and of course she existed and she lives on in your heart and your memories.
Love and sympathy to you.

KatieB · 22/05/2006 01:16

I'm so sorry about your little girl, Slinkstah. I can imagine how you are feeling and I know how dreadful it is. My ds would have been five today. He died when he was three days old.

I remember that when I was pg again with my third baby, people would refer to him as my second. I couldn't believe anyone could be that insensitive, although I think now in many cases it was because they thought I wanted to forget James or they just didn't know what to say.

You will never forget your lovely girl (she sounds absolutely beautiful), even if others do. If you feel up to it, I do think it's worth saying to those you care about that it's fine to talk about her, and that you want to. I know it's hard, but you probably have to take the lead.

What about your other children? Do you talk about her to them? I found that doing that normalised it for us all. My dd and ds talk about James quite often now, and in a very matter of fact way. I think it's helped adults who've heard those conversations feel more comfortable about the subject too.

If you haven't already, have a look at the SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) website at \link{http://uk-sands.org}. They run support groups and can provide telephone counselling.

I hope this pregnancy goes well for you all. And although the new baby won't replace your lovely girl, I am sure this little one will bring you comfort, and joy in life again.

Manoo · 22/05/2006 12:33

I'm so sorry you lost your baby, Slinkstah, and I'm thinking of you at this difficult time. It's inevitable that the one year anniversary will be a sad time. I lost my little boy, Ivo, this year on 6th March at 17 weeks gestation. I already know that every year I'll be going through the 'this is when we got pregnant/this is when we found out that he had an abnormality/this is when he was born/this is when he would have been due etc' process.

I think it might help to say out loud to others that this is your fourth baby not your third although I know it must be hard. I know I want Ivo to 'exist' and be part of my (public) life and history. And I know how you feel about your partner - I already feel that mine has 'got over it' whereas I don't feel anywhere near healed.

Anyway, best of luck with getting through the sad times, and good luck with the mix of emotions you're bound to go through with your fourth pregnancy and birth. Oh, there's an interesting book on Amazon that I've got -

Trying Again : A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss (Paperback) by Ann Douglas, John R. Sussman, Deborah L. Davis

As you're already pregnant some of it won't be relevant, but if you can maybe get a copy from the library you might find that reading it makes you feel less alone. It's good on the complex mix of emotions in subsequent pregancies.

slinkstah · 22/05/2006 15:09

thankyou so much everyone your words are all so conforting, its really nice to talk about it all. im really sorry for everyone that has lost their babys too.

i think being pg again has helped me cope with the last few days as i am over the danger stage with this pregnancy now. it was a very stressful pregnancy as almost the same thing happened at the same time again. at 23 weeks my cervix started to dialate and i had another rescue stitch, this time though things were caught in time and the stitch was a success and has managed to keep this baby cooking for another 12 weeks so far. I have the stitch taken out next week at 37 weeks and then my cervix is on its own so birth will be iminent soon after that i imagine.

i think from now on i am going to try and have the courage to say this baby is my fourth from now on.

its really lovely being being able to talk about my baby on mn thankyou all so much for the hugs.

OP posts:

Esmummy · 22/05/2006 15:14

Slinkstah :( Am so so sorry your little girl didn't make it, its seems so so unfair.

deste · 24/05/2006 21:02

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, It gets easier as time goes on but you never forget your baby, and you dont want to. I lost my first baby after trying for six years and was devistated. I fell pregnant again just six weeks later and had a DS. Nine years later I had a DD and she is such a joy. She is incredibly talented, has a singing voice to die for, her acting and dancing skills are outstanding, (biased perhaps) but if I had not lost my first baby I doubt if I would have had my daughter. Everything happens for a reason. You may not think so at the moment but you will move on and in years to come you will look back and discover your reason. I am sure it will be worthwhile. I still get upset 29 years later.

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