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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

taking 8 month old to funeral - advice?

24 replies

Twiga · 15/05/2006 23:12

Our Granpa passed away this morning and the funeral is Thurs. Dd is just 8 months but had spent a good ammount of time with her Great Granpa and he loved her to bits. Have spoken to MIL and she is more than happy for dd to be at the funeral. It's at 1pm which is about nap time for dd so I'm hoping she'll be happy to cuddle up or even sleep through a lot of it. Am nervous about having her there as there are some family members who won't think it appropriate and also am worried re: dd being noisey - she loves to chat away. She's used to church enviroment and is used to sitting through services etc. Plan to take her out/to the back if cries but will probably just bable if awake. Would appreciate any advice on how to make this as easy as poss and how to handle any potential probs ie critisism/noise etc. Thanks x

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Ledodgyherring · 15/05/2006 23:23

If you plan to take her out if she's noisy then that is fine, you can't do anymore than that. Also young children at the wake (or whatever you call it) is brilliant as she will cheer people up and remind them that life goes on etc. If anyone complains , ignore them, your mil is happy for her to be there and he was her great grandpa and i'm sure he would have loved your dd to be there. I hope it goes well and am sorry for your loss.

Kidstrack · 15/05/2006 23:28

yep totally agree with Ledodgy, babies tend to brighten the mood, if dd babbles it won't matter, churches are used to babies babbling away

singledadofthree · 15/05/2006 23:32

have no probs with noisy kids/babies in church in normal services as praise and thanksgiving go with littluns. funerals tho - you know the place, maybe tactful to be near the back to keep disturbance of the proceedings to a minimum - and take along quiet toys - expect you do anyway.
wouldnt leave the service unless she cries out too much, and take no notice of complaints, agree grandpa would not mind a bit.

Twiga · 15/05/2006 23:34

Thanks for your replies. It's a bit of an awkward one as the people that may not approve are not horrible just have different view on parenting etc - dh's cousin and dh aren't coming because they've got a young baby. Personally feel that death is part of life and not something we need to hide from children, dd is way too little to really understand but when she's bigger and we're telling her about Granpa I want her to know she was included in saying goodbye to him. I'd better head off to bed - got busy day tomorrow geting ready to go over Weds.

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Twiga · 15/05/2006 23:40

Also, just while I'm thinking of it does anyone know if we'd be able to fit car seat into funeral car ok? PIL want all the family to travel in together, know it'a a strange question ans sure you probably can just never seen it done - MIL checking with funeral poeple but just wandered if anyone knew/had done this?

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singledadofthree · 16/05/2006 00:05

regular hearses are fitted with seat belts in rear - check with director to be sure they will allow it - acn ask vicar in the morning and post tomorrow, but they will vary.

LeahE · 16/05/2006 00:12

We took DS to DH's grandfather's funeral when he was 10 months old with no problems. He was fine except for one patch where he got a bit grouchy and I walked him around in the lobby for a couple of minutes -- he did babble a bit but people liked that. Not sure about the car seat but it should be possible.

hannahsaunt · 16/05/2006 03:58

Twiga, sorry to hear your newss; much sympathy. FWIW my mum specifically requested that her two youngest grandchildren CAME to the funeral of my granny (her mum). She felt that it was especially important for the reception after the funeral to help everyone remember that although one very dear life has passed that there is a new generation to grow and love. It really helped break the ice in some ways - small children are a good talking point and looking after them can give a focus to people not sure otherwise how to be - it really comforted my mum.

CarolinaMoonfish · 16/05/2006 08:09

sorry to hear about your granpa .

ds was about this age when dp's grandma died last year. We took him to the funeral and followed the coffin down the aisle. Unfortunately, he was making a bit too much noise for us to stay in the pew, so I took him to the kids' room at the back - you can see everything and there's a speaker so you can here everything from the priest's microphone anyway. No one minded at all.

I really don't understand your dh's cousin's attitude - I think it's lovely to see the whole family there, it helps add a more positive note to the day.

we did put ds's car seat in the funeral car - it fitted in fine. You could ask the funeral directors if you're not sure about yours.

PanicPants · 16/05/2006 08:12

how about taking a small quiet toy for her to focus on?
when ds was cristened we took a favourite toy and he was really good.

or will a toy detract from the occassion?

snorkle · 16/05/2006 12:27

I've taken mine to various funerals at various ages - including..
age 18 mths - my mother
age 2 and 6 months - dh's grandmother
around age 3 and 1 - my uncle

They aren't the best behaved kids normally, but have always been fine at funerals. The other relatives have been fine too - even those who have chosen not to bring their children. Go prepared with a few quiet toys/snacks and you should be fine.

Kathy1972 · 16/05/2006 12:37

Took 3 month old dd to great aunt's funeral and was so glad I did - everyone said how lovely it was to have her there. I think you probably do have to sit at the back and be a bit more careful than normal to slip out if she makes a noise, but you can play it by ear.

YeahBut · 16/05/2006 13:07

So sorry about your Granpa.{{{{}}}}
My own dear Grandpa died 2 weeks ago and, as the funeral was back in the UK and I'm still breastfeeding, I had to take my 3 month old. He slept through most of the service in his car seat (our funeral car did have seat belts btw but check) and at the lunch afterwards, it really seemed to cheer people up to have a young baby around. My Gran in particular was thrilled to have him there. If your dd is not screaming the place down, I can't see what anyone would find objectionable about her being there and if she does play up, just take her out. HTH

CMac · 16/05/2006 13:31

Sorry to hear about your grandad. We took my dd (age 2)to my granny's funeral a couple of months ago - mainly as it was on a small Scottish island and there was no one available that dd knew to look after her. She was the only small child there but it was fine. My dh stayed up the back with her and I sat with the family, just because he preferred to in case they had to make a quick exit but they could just as easily have sat with us. I think he used a bag of maltesers as bribery and she was as good as gold (apart from the odd "more sweeties daddy"!). Totally agree with the other posters about children being great at the reception afterwards - really gives people something else to focus on - though beware of toooooo many maltesers - brings on a bit of a sugar rush!!!

singledadofthree · 16/05/2006 16:25

twiga
asked vicar this morning and although he hasn't seen it done doesn't see a problem - just check with directors first so they're prepared. hope it all goes well, and don't forget a toy or two and that its a family occasion which always have a screaming baby along.

Blandmum · 16/05/2006 16:51

I took my dd to my Father's funeral when she was 6 months. Astonishingly she was totaly well behaved and just sat and looked that the miniter with unblinking eyes....he later told me it was rather un-nerving to see such a small baby behave so well.

I had my MIL primed to take her out if she became very unhappy.

I also feel that children are not out of place in a funeral and help to remind us that all things are part of life.

'To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...'

Sorry for your loss.

Twiga · 16/05/2006 22:19

Hi everyone, thank you for your kind thoughts and comments. Feeling less nervous about it all now. MIL checked and the funeral company won't take the car seat (think to do with insurance type stuff)but would be happy for dd just to be in my arms which is really stupid so we're going to follow the funeral cars in our own - kind of works out ok as dd will be due a bf not long after the crem bit will finish so it means I can sit in the car if need be. JWill check in again at the weekend once we're home and let you know how it all went. Thanks again x

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Piggiesmum · 20/05/2006 00:14

Twiga - Sorry to hear about Grandpa.

Will be interested to hear how you get on as (I think) we will be taking 7.5 month ds to dh's nans funeral next week. At the moment I am hoping he wil fall asleep in the car on the way and sleep through it

chapsmum · 20/05/2006 00:22

I took my chap to a funeral at 8 months.
We sat at the back because we were really only there to support a friend and did not want to take the attention away from the purpose of the service.
However if your dd was close to you granpa then let your dd expreees what she wants to her granpa in a way that HE would have appreciated.
We were thenked for bringin the chap as he was a distraction to the people who needed it IYSWIM.

Cadmum · 22/05/2006 21:28

Twiga: I think that 8 months is still young enough that nobody should be upset if she babbles. (It would be different if she was 8 years old and chatting.)

I think that somebody has already said that she might brighten the mood and remind people of life's joys. Her great-grandpa would have wanted her there and if your MIL is OK with the idea then you needn't worry overly much what others think.

It also sounds as if you are being very sensitive to other people's needs by being willing to take her to the back of the church in the event that she is making is hard for people to mourn.

HTH Take care.

gothicmama · 22/05/2006 21:30

I breast fed dd through grandad's funeral and everyone was touched she ws there, nad did n't mind when she did cry

Twiga · 22/05/2006 22:45

As promised am checking in to let you know how it all went. Dd was an absolute star! We took our own car and followed the behind the rest of the family in the funeral cars. Family were all seated together at the front and dd sat on our knees for most of the service - dh walked up to the back with her during the prayers as she was too hot and starting to be unsettled - the fresh air at the back door settled her instantly and she kept the back few rows smiling! My SIL did the tribute to Granpa (she's a minister) and re-called Granpa's reaction to dd's arrival and how much he loved her. Dd was a huge comfort to the family - my MIL sat holding her hand at one point and dh held her close as the coffin left the church for the crem. Dd fell asleep on the way to the crem and slept through the very short part of the service there. Lots of people commented aferwards about how good dd had been and how nice it was to have her there and I'm glad we took her.

Back at the house afterwards dd was a real help to everyone and was content to be passed around for hugs.

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Tommy · 22/05/2006 23:25

Glad it went well Twiga - every funeral needs a baby there IME

cheeseypeas · 22/05/2006 23:27

Don't worry, it's amazing how appropriate and fitting the sound of a baby is at a funeral.

My DS was 10 months at the funeral my DP sat at the back with him (as I had to read). He chirped and chatted all the way though and when it was over so many people came up to me and said it was very fitting and lovely to hear his great granson in the background. He did play up once and my DP took him to the back of the room where he crawled around a bit.

I doubt anyone will critise so don't worry. x x x

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