I lost my baby boy last month. We found out at his 5 month scan that he was very poorly, his kidneys hadnt formed properly, were full of cysts and one had stopped working. This meant that his lungs wouldnt develop as they shoukd of. They offered me a termination i agonised for 3 weeks what to do. They said even if we made it full term he would never come home he woukd live in hospital on a dialasis and a ventilator. We decided it would be kinder to let him go. I was 23 weeks and 6 days when i gave birth to my little boy.
I know he would of never of made it, logically i know this. But theres still a voice in my head thats tellibg me iv made a terribke mistake and he would of been ok. I really wanted my son, we had been trying for a long time and i had begun to think that i was infertile. I was so hapoy when i found out i was going to be a mum.
I feel like im drowning, i cry everyday i cant stop thinking about him. I gave birth to him and i just keep reliving it. The doxtors didnt exoecr him to be alive when he was born, but he was. And he lived for half an hour. My heart hurts, i cant sleep because i keep waking up panicking.
How do people cope? Really how? Im massivly struggling, my son is the onky person who iv ever lost. And i want him back so badly, i should be 7 months pregnant now. This isnt how itvwas meant to be,
It helps to write my thoughts down, i cant talk to people im an absolute mess. My partner is as devastated as i am, he is our first child and we had so many plans for him. I have no idea how to help my partner i cant even bring myself to get out of bed nost days.
How do people get through this? I cant cope with feeling this awful, its like im drowning, my emotions just wont stop, i was numb at first and now i just have an awful pain that wont go away.
I also feel because we decided to let our little boy go that i dont have any right to be upset about it. I knew what ibwas doing, i didnt want to ibreally didnt butvthey said he woukd of never been able to live a healthy life. I didnt want that for him. But i didnt want him to die. I feel like because we made that choice that im not allowed to be upset. As stupid as that sounds.
Sorryvthis is all rambly, i just needed to clear my head of these thoughts
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Bereavement
My baby boy died
33 replies
FrillsandLaces · 09/04/2013 06:07
OP posts:
everlong ·
09/04/2013 10:19
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