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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My husband died

196 replies

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:09

I have 2DCs. Daughter 8 and son 2 1/2. I have spoken to my Dd about her daddy, but how the hell do I explain it to the 2 yr old.
Dad was away a lot with work so his absence has not been noted yet. What do I do?
Sorry it's a bit blunt but I'm stunned and can't face it.

OP posts:

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VivaLeBeaver · 05/04/2013 22:14

I'm so sorry. Has it just happened today?

I'm no expert but I suppose trying to keep any explanations as simple as possible for the 2yo. But he's unlikely to understand straight away and need it repeating.

Have you got support , family/friends?

AgentProvocateur · 05/04/2013 22:15

So sorry to hear this. Have you got someone with you?

whattodoo · 05/04/2013 22:16

Oh God, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you should try to tell youngest as soon as you can, in very simple terms.

eg "daddy get very I'll and the doctors and nurses couldn't make him better. It's very sad. Shall we chat about Daddy?"

Can someone else be with you when you tell them?

Keep talking about him and lots of photos etc. Tell the children the truth (in as simple terms as appropriate). Make sure they know they can ask questions whenever they need to.

I say this as someone who lost a parent at 2 and it was hushed up. I didn't have a clue what happened until I was a teen and didn't find out details until I was in my 20s. Screwed me up.

Thinking of you.

EmmaDale · 05/04/2013 22:16

Gosh, I'm so so sorry. I know that there are others on here who will be able to offer advice - I just wanted to reply and say that I'm here 'listening'.

x

Lucyellensmum95 · 05/04/2013 22:16

Oh, i am so so sorry, i dont have any words of advice - just wanted to offer my utmost sympathy :( Have you anyone there with you?

Smugsmuggler · 05/04/2013 22:16

I'm so sorry. I have no idea what to suggest and how to advise. But just wanted to send you a huge hug. Mners who have some experience, expertise and answers will I'm sure be along soon. Meanwhile, keep it simple, keep it honest, emphasize that the bond of love can never be broken and be prepared to repeat. And repeat. Will be so very hard, but you will find the strength.. Thoughts are with you.

milkysmum · 05/04/2013 22:17

So so sorry that this happened, you must still be in shock if this is very recent. Not sure what to advise but didnt want to not respond. Hope you have someone with you at the moment X

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:21

Sorry it was brief I am bit worried about anyone from real life recognising this. Only because they may feel its inappropriate to discuss him on the web, if you see what I mean.
He died on tuesday away from home.
My children are so innocent and I had to destroy my dd life, told her as soon as I was calm enough. Can't face it when my son realises too.

OP posts:

stella1w · 05/04/2013 22:23

So sorry for your loss. Winston's wish are good for bereaved children. I have heard you should not tell kids death is like going to sleep because the become fearful of sleep.

VivaLeBeaver · 05/04/2013 22:25

Don't worry about been brief on here. Post as much or as little as you want.

lougle · 05/04/2013 22:30

I'm sorry you've had to do this, minkulus. I'm sorry you can't rewind time and change what happened on Tuesday.

tigerdriverII · 05/04/2013 22:31

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I think you have to be very honest with children. Saving them a couple of days' pain is stressful for you and probably won't do much for them. Agree with whattodo.

olivertheoctopus · 05/04/2013 22:31

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:32

I just feel as if I told my daughter and haven't really been able to help her. I've been inundated with forms and phonecalls and emails etc for inquests and transporting his body and what to do with his belongings etc. I just want it all to stop: it's been relentless.
My beautiful girl has been so calm and brave. I am so scared that I won't be enough for them both. How are they going to grow up without him. How will my son know what it all means?

OP posts:

McPheetStink · 05/04/2013 22:33

So sorry

Keep talking. The ladies on here are wonderful.

whattodoo · 05/04/2013 22:38

Is anyone able to be with you? Help with the formalities?

Can you turn of the phone for half a day? I can't begin to imagine what is going round in your head, but I'm sure a morning cuddling with the children in bed or a trip to fly a kite will do you all (a tiny bit of) good.

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:38

I'm here alone with my son. He's asleep. My dd is staying with her aunty ( she wanted a movie night!) I just feel as if I have been thrown in at the deep end and no skills to keep us all afloat. The first couple of days have just been auto pilot, but now it's hitting me hard.
T

OP posts:

xigris · 05/04/2013 22:38

So very sorry for your loss, minkulus. I really hope that you have someone with you. I'd definitely suggest booking an appointment with your GP and also getting in touch with your health visitor. They will all have had experience with this awful situation and will be able to help and advise, especially in helping your children with their bereavement and emotions. Again, I'm so sorry

xigris · 05/04/2013 22:40

Sorry, I x posted with you, minkulus. Have you considered contacting Cruse? You also need supporting. A close family friend lost her husband to an undiagnosed heart condition when her daughter was 4. She found Cruse excellent. Xx

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:41

What todo. Thank you. I have to be available at the moment because my husband has to be repatriated and his cause of death is not straight forward. It is too surreal. I have been asked so many questions and talked to somany different people. I took the children out yesterday for a couple of hours and returned to 8 phone messages and 17 emails.

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DontSHOUTTTTTT · 05/04/2013 22:44

Gosh, I feel so sorry for you. I have no real advice other than to ask for and to accept any RL help that you may get offered. [bunch]

thornrose · 05/04/2013 22:46

Minkulus I'm so sorry.
My dd's dad died very suddenly 3 years ago, dd was 10 yo. We were separated but it was still horrendous. I'll never forget telling my dd.
You can help your dc by being honest, by crying with them, by talking about their dad.
It's such early days though, you must be so shell shocked.
You will be enough for them both.
Winston's wishes are a great charity for bereaved children when you're ready.

minkulus · 05/04/2013 22:46

Thank you xigris. I hadn't thought of health visitor or gp. I suppose I'm just waiting to have him home. I can't even begin to work out how to do all this.

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Greydog · 05/04/2013 22:47

I am so, so sorry for you. All I can do is offer sympathy xxx

xigris · 05/04/2013 22:48

I can't imagine how that must feel. Your brain must be in overdrive. I've been involved in similar situations (I'm a nurse) and know that sometimes the sheer amount of organisation that's required can be overwhelming. And that on top of the grief and emotions. I wish there was something more tangible that we could do for you. Keep talking on this if it's helping

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