Morning everyone,
I feel as though I'm not doing what I should be doing & wondering if there's something wrong with me. If you recognise me please don't out me in RL. Here's the story, it may be long, sorry.
My mum died of cancer in 2011. She had ovarian cancer for about 7 years in all as she had chemo & it would go, but then it would come back. In 2011 it went into her brain & she died. However I think I caused her death ultimately. We were very close despite me living 2 hours away, we spoke on the phone every day & when I left my husband in 2009 I came back to the town where my parents lived so I was with her for the last 2 years & used to come & care for her one day a week so my dad could have some time outside the house to relax & recharge. Before she died the plans were that I would have her for another day or even more as DS2 was under a year so I was at home.
I think I caused her death, as we were at a garden centre on her last day alive & she was in a wheelchair & it was a Sunday so my DS1 was with us, can't remember where DS2 was, possibly with my dad. Anyway DS1 who was 6 at the time was on her lap being wheeled around at her request, she loved him so much. I did what I would usually do for a joke, I got a fern & tickled ds1's nose with it. However he jumped backwards & his head connected with my mum's head, not hard but it was a mild head bang for both of them. Within the hour my mum started looking vague & not talking, we took her home & she went to sleep in her chair & didn't wake up again. My dad called an ambulance when he couldn't wake her at 5 for her medication & she died in hospital at 5 the next morning & we were all with her. I swing between feeling responsible for her death that was too soon, to feeling glad that she died before the whole non walking/talking stage that the doctor said would happen. She died peacefully in no pain & she was still herself if that makes sense. But I hadn't have played that stupid joke on DS she would have lived longer but not had the quality of life.
So I knew she would die for ages but when it came to it her death was sudden.
Anyway I get back from the hospital & it all starts getting a bit too painful so I think well she hasn't really died as she is still with me in spirit. I'm not religious but think that there's an afterlife & mum can come & see how we are all doing. So I haven't grieved for her. At all. I've had a cry on occasion & I miss her but that's it. I know there are 7 stages of grief but I haven't felt angry or denied it. I know she's dead but I feel as though I haven't dealt with it properly as everyone else seemed so sad & I wasn't really.
Is there something wrong with me, surely this is not a normal response. I loved her so much.
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Am I grieving normally? Or at all?
2 replies
onetiredmummy · 17/02/2013 10:18
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