totally sick of people

(16 Posts)
likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 07-Feb-13 18:37:25

walked to school with playground mum this morning who asked how mum was, despite seeing me the week after she died and talking to me about her. anyone who talks to me seems to say oh you need to take your mind off things isn't it time you got married/had a baby. I'm so fed up of it I miss my mum so much something sets me off crying every day I can't contemplate gettin married without her there. having a baby without her support that she will never meet sad. feeling so glum lately I know people mean well but Christ its hard to hear day in day out

nextphase Thu 07-Feb-13 18:56:15

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. How long since she passed away?

imo, so people just don't think, and some people who are lucky enough not to have lost a very close family member or friend just don't understand the enormity of adjusting to life after a loss, especially if it was unexpected (tho I don't know if this is the case for you, it was in my situation).
7 years on, I can still well up if I'm caught unawares, but honestly (and if things are still raw, I'm sure this doesn't seem possible at the moment) it gets easier. You never forget, but you can get on with the crack in your heart most of the time, and hold things together.

XXX

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 07-Feb-13 19:11:00

mid november, she was poorly for a long time but only 45, I dont feel like am ever going to be able to plan and go through these monumental occasions without being distraught that she should be a part of them sad.

Locketjuice Thu 07-Feb-13 19:11:54

wine

Locketjuice Thu 07-Feb-13 19:12:12

Didn't mean to do that blush

MrsWolowitzerables Thu 07-Feb-13 19:13:27

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

Would you like to tell us about her?

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 07-Feb-13 19:18:47

don't worry locket ill take the wine smile. my mum was fab, the mum that everyone else at high school wanted cause she was cool. she fought really hard and I couldnt be prouder to call her my mum.

t875 Sun 10-Feb-13 23:57:08

Didn't want to ignore your thread snowflake. Big hugs to you. I know what you mean people just generally like some one else said unless they have unfortunately been in our shoes of this awful path no one knows how huge and how much it rocks your world.

Here of you need a chat hun xx

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 11-Feb-13 11:35:59

I hope that I would be better with my friends if they were in this situation how's you doing x

HavingALittleFaithBaby Mon 11-Feb-13 11:44:45

I get where you're coming from. My Mum died 5 and a half years ago (she was 51). While life moves on in some ways, big events never feel the same. I missed her when we got married. I cried yesterday because I'm pregnant and I wish I had her around. But for me, these milestones have got easier to handle as time passes. People who tell you you should just do things to move on are idiots.smile It's early days in terms of a bereavement and you shouldn't do anything just because other people say its a good idea hmm If she comments so stupidly and insensitively again, I would say something like 'I appreciate you're trying to help but I don't think that's the best approach for me personally'.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Feb-13 14:43:55

I remember welling up one day at the supermarket after losing my mum, out of nowhere the tears came and spilled, don't even know what set me off.

Big events, little occasions, there's still a mum-shaped gap. A random song or even a tv programme she loved. I kept her phone number on my mobile long after she'd passed, very sad when I changed phones and lost it.

She was your mum, you loved each other, of course you will still miss her, what's November a few months' away? Things do move on, you are better able to cope, it does take time. It seems hard to believe but you will take pleasure in things again, as for her not being with you in person I feel at certain times my parents can still see what's happening, you will carry on and don't be persuaded you can't miss someone and still treasure them.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. She sounds like one in a million.
People say the most insensitive things sometimes, but I am sure they don't mean to. When my baby died I lost a lot of close friends because of their reaction and at the same time grew closer to some who really supported me. The number of truly misguided suggestions really changed my outlook. .."You can get a puppy" and "Never mind, it was God's will...maybe you should get married and then the next baby will be ok"shock.
I am still never going to be over it and you won't be 'over' your mum...people are irreplaceable...but it will become easier over time to find a way of carrying on with things while still honouring your mum.
Oh and 5 years after my father died, I held my youngest in my arms shortly after birth and I saw him looking right back. I still see him there now 3 years on. It's lovely and it feels like a part of him lives on.

likesnow, I lost my parents when I and they were young and I think, I know, it is harder as we have to face normal milestones where most people have their mums and dads without them. I remember friends not being particularly supportive either as they could not comprehend how we are feeling and what we are going through.

Events are harder of course, getting married and having children were tinged with sadness each time, I have always thought I could never be 100% happy again after they died as there was always such a large hole that could never be filled. But, we do carry on, we do feel happy again, I promise you. My parents never faced old age, my MIL is at the moment dying (dh has raced to the hospital this morning as she is not expected to last today) and that in itself causes confusion for me, shes 85, had a good life and will pass peacefully and naturally, I find it hard iykwim.

But, dd looks just like my mum and that brings me so much joy, I look at her sometimes and realise that my mum carries on, I tell them (my children) stories about my parents, they laugh so I feel I keep them alive in some way. I`m aware of how losing parents affects us so I have already kept memories for my children, silly things like I wrote little personal books for both of them in my voice, so if anything should happen to me my children will have a little of me to keep.

At my wedding, I done things that I knew my parents would like, such as wearing a piece of jewellery of my mums, coming down the aisle to a peice of music that my dad loved, I walked down on my own as I felt that dad was with me and I laid my flowers on their grave, My DB said a special toast to them on the day. Both children have my parents names as their middle names and I talk about them a lot and re-tell stories constantly about their lives.

I can still smell my parents if that makes sense, silly things such as food and drink starting on tv this week made me cry a little as I use to watch it with them when I was younger, memories become very important.

Dont listen to people telling you to move on, you do everything at your own pace, you will have good days and bad, one day you will find that you have more good days than bad.

Much love to you xx

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 13-Feb-13 13:50:53

Ah i disappeared for a few days just seen these posts, still finding things hard but not quite as angry as i was. I have cut myself off from a lot of people, i dont mean to but its so hard when they dont understand or they say stupid things like oh but you knew she was sick, she outlived their timescale as though that makes it okay. Crappy little things i would normally tell her upset me more than anything. I want a tattoo just a little memento of something personal. but i dont like pain and am generally abit scared of them. And we are uber skint at the minute. I feel so guilty for doing everyday things, for smiling or planning without her sad

its nice to know that other people do understand even if i dont know any of you , i didnt think it was possible to feel so many emotions at once.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 13-Feb-13 14:14:50

Well it's nice to think of what might be a lasting tribute, I wouldn't rush to do something that hurt to commemorate her, what would your mum reckon? but maybe take time to draw something, a design that would have meaning. Then if you decide to go ahead it's something unique to you and maybe wait until you can afford it. Or perhaps a small item of jewellery that you can pass on if you ever do have children? Maybe something to wear every day and describe why you bought it and who your mum was and what she meant to you.

Really it's for you to decide how you want to grieve for her and set your own pace. As someone said upthread, until they lose someone that special and close in their own lives, people often don't have a clue.

I wear a brooch of my mums, and her wedding ring with my own. But as Donkeys says no need to rush into anything, at the moment the only thing that matters is being kind to yourself. She would want you to plan and smile.

You know, my mum said to me before she died that the best way to remember her was to live my life to the full, thats what she wanted me to do, not always easy I know, but she was right as always!

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