My wonderful mum died this week after very short illness. Re your coping strategies?

[sensesworkingovertime]

My elderly mum died in hosp this week. She had only been ill for a week so in a way it was quite sudden. I am devastated and wondered how other people coped day to day with grief? What do you do to help yourself sleep? I don't want to hit the bottle every night!

I am also upset that my SIL has not really acknowledged mine or DHs loss, no card, no message, no visit (she ony lives nearby) but I don't want this to gnaw at me and I don't want to upset DH by mentioning it.

[purplewithred]

So sorry to hear your very sad news; no specific advice or experience to offer but didn't want your post to go unanswered. I am sure someone with advice will be along in a minute.

[sensesworkingovertime]

thanks Purple, appreciated your message.

[ZolaBuddleia]

My mum died recently, I'm currently between death and funeral.

Is your SIL your DH's sister? I think you have to ignore everyone else and just keep going, people react oddly to death and some people feel calling in isn't appropriate. Try not to think about your SIL.

In terms of sleeping, I had a bit of a problem with that, which now has resolved. I wonder whether the adrenalin and stress of hospital visits and serious illness have left you a bit 'wired'. I took over the counter sleeping pills for a couple of nights, I felt it was important to get sleep so I could cope with things.

My mum was ill for a bit longer than yours, and I'm not sure that the reality that she's not coming back has hit me just yet.

[FloraFox]

I'm really sorry for your loss swo. My mum died one year ago and I'm afraid I have no good advice for getting through the day to day.

I agree with trying not to think about your SIL very much. She might not have much experience with bereavement and not be sure what to do. When my MIL died suddenly 8 years ago, it was my first experience of a parent dying. I have to say that before that, I really didn't know what was the right thing to do or say when someone close to you loses a parent, and I'm sure I still don't.

Just try to take care of yourself.

[ZolaBuddleia]

How are you doing OP? Did you sleep any better?

[QOD]

How are you op?
I'm sorry for your loss x

[sensesworkingovertime]

Thanks everyone. Zola, I am in your position now, so sorry for your loss, will be thinking of you.

You are all making a lot of sense. i just don't think she knows how to deal with it that' s all and I don't think she is particularly thoughtful anyway, that's just a statement of fact, not me 'having a go' !

I slept like a log last night without any help, I was so shattered. Take care of yourself Zola and all of you, good to know we can and want to help each other.

[ZolaBuddleia]

Sleeping like a log is good, perhaps you've got through that awful 'strung out' state.

I also think, and each to their own on this, that I feel better when I think that at least mum didn't have a long illness, that she knew I was with her, that she didn't end up in a nursing home etc. Are there more positive (sorry, can't find a better word) things you could focus on to help you?

Thinking of you too OP.

[sensesworkingovertime]

Yes Zola, I do agree with you about the fact that a long illness or going into a nursing home would have been hard to cope with. Take care, mum's funeral tomorrow - she will glad the VERY cold weather has gone as she used to say she didn't want her mouners to be shivering!

[stargirl1701]

Hi. Please accept my condolences.

My Mum died 7 years ago very suddenly. The first year was the hardest. I remember laughing about a year later and realising that I hadn't truly laughed for a year. Be kind to yourself. Talk when you need to. Cry when you need to. Shout when you need to. Whatever you feel is normal.

I took things one day at a time. Just get through that day (or, tbh, that hour, that minute). I struggled to make plans or see the future.

I did find CRUSE bereavement counselling very helpful at about 3 months later. They are a charity who specialise in bereavement.

The raw, scraping grief will pass. You will find yourself again.

[stargirl1701]

Regarding your SIL - some people really struggle to know what to do. They can't think of anything to say or do so get uncomfortable and avoid the situation. They don't understand that you don't need anything - just an acknowledgement that your Mum died. That it hurts. Just be there.

[sensesworkingovertime]

Stargirl, you are indeed a star to send me these words of comfort. I am sorry that you had to go through this pain but glad to hear it got better for you. Many thanks.

[Mehrida]

Just saw your post. My DM died suddenly 11 years ago but the grief still hits me like a train every so often and I will never forget the sleep deprivation.

My only coping advice is to try to get through every hour. And if that's a struggle, then every ten minutes. Our house had never been so clean before, or since, that fortnight after she died!

Fresh air is also a tonic. Even if you don't feel like it. Just go a walk round the block. Makes the ime pass if nothing else.

Sorry for your loss.

[sensesworkingovertime]

Thank you for all your support/advice, Mehrida