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Bereavement

Jesse aged 9 weeks - any advice, i've not spoken to another bereaved mum

53 replies

JellyNump · 17/04/2006 18:02

Sorry this probably going to be really long. Last year we lost our 9 week old son, Jesse, really unexpectedly. We were visiting my inlaws in Sussex and out visiting friends when he started screaming, at first we thought maybe colic, but the screaming got worse so we took him to the hospital. They thought it may also be very bad colic bit referred us to Brighton for a 2nd opinion. As soon as he was examined they said he had a hernia and had to go to theatre straight away. As soon as they mentioned theatre I had a really strong feeling something would go wrong. I took him to the door of the theatre, kissed him, told him I'd see him later and handed him to the doctor. After a few hours (op should have taken an hour at most) they said they were having trouble bringing him round and had to ventilate him. It seemed like ages and they wanted to transfer him to Guys in London, but he never recovered enough and they had to stop trying to resucitate him because his lungs had gone stiff and they couldn't get any air to go into them. He was 9 weeks old. We'd had a really complicated pregnancy. He had been a twin, which we'd lost, I'd had chronic morning sickness due to abnormally high HCG hormone levels and we were told we were high risk for Downs syndrome and spina bifida. When he was born healthy, I thought he'd be safer out than in but at 2 weeks he needed an op for pyloric stenosis. He was finally allowed home at 4 weeks old and we started to relax and enjoy having him. We had an inquest after his death and were told they think he died from Intrapulmonary Shunting, where a shock caused his lungs to shut down. I'm sorry this is so long but i've never spoken to another mum who's lost a child. I just had some questions about things, I wondered if anyone can help? :(

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Greensleeves · 17/04/2006 18:07

I can't advise, but I'm so sorry to hear this - you've obviously been to hell and back. I know there are people here who can help and support you, so keep bumping. xxx

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frogs · 17/04/2006 18:09

Jelly, so sorry to hear your story. I don't have any first hand experience, though my sister lost her second child at 6 weeks (he had Edward's syndrome).

There are MNers who may be more help, but early evenings tend to be quiet, so it may take a while to get responses. Just didn't want you to feel ignored.

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bubblerock · 17/04/2006 18:09

I am so sorry for your loss Jelly, I don't have any personal experience but I am sure you will find other Mums with experiences here. It is a little quiet here at the moment because of Easter etc.. so keep your post bumped! I can't begin to imagine how hard it was/is for you Sad

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GDG · 17/04/2006 18:10

Oh JellyNump, I'm so, so sorry to hear what you've gone through Sad

I've no advice but read your story and had to tell you how sorry I am - it must be so hard.

I'm sure some mumsnetters with similar experiences will be here soon to talk to you.

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doobydoo · 17/04/2006 18:10

Hi..so sorrySad.
My situation is different but may be of some use.
My daughter was born at 34 weeks and all seemed ok she died when she was nearly 3 weeks.What sort of questions would you like to ask?

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JellyNump · 17/04/2006 18:12

Thanks, yes I thought now would be a quiet time. Jesse now has a little sister who is 6 weeks, who looks just like him, so thats a good thing. Just feel I haven't had any time for him to grieve properly

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Yorkiegirl · 17/04/2006 18:14

so sorry to read this. I hope someone can help you with their experiences.

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JellyNump · 17/04/2006 18:16

does it ever feel less 'raw'? most days are ok but i still get really bad days and also, with the new baby im worried it vwill be hard to watch her start to 'doing things' he never will. we want to encourage her obviously, but its still sad to think he never got to experience things.

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doobydoo · 17/04/2006 18:46

Hi again Jellynump.It took me nearly 10 years to have the courage to have my ds who is now 6.
You are still at a very tender stage and your feelings are completely understandable.I still think of how old she would be and if my parenting style would have been different and lots of other stuff.
I think over time it does get less raw,speaking from my experience,but it can feel like along way away when people say this!

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Marina · 17/04/2006 19:08

Hi JellyNump, I am so sorry that Jesse died and in such a sudden and traumatic way after you had started to relax following that nightmare pregnancy :( :(
I wondered if you had been referred to \link{http://www.uk-sands.org\SANDS} by Brighton at the time (possibly not as you were not resident but visiting). This charity offers support and friendship to bereaved parents, whether the baby has recently died or the death happened some time ago.
My experience of baby loss is very different to yours - our second child Tom was stillborn prematurely at 21 weeks. I didn't go to SANDS at the time, but found my subsequent pregnancy with our dd so nightmarish I tried my local group and they were wonderful. They put me in touch with a befriender who was so kind and patient with me.
I think you have highlighted a real dilemma for parents - having another baby so soon after one has died. Dd came along less than a year after Tom's death and although there was joy, especially when she arrived safely, there was also a feeling that Tom was being forgotten much too quickly by family and some friends. My parents kept telling me how lucky I was to be pregnant again, to stop going over the past, etc. And when dd arrived all they could go on about was that she was so fab Tom was clearly "not meant to be" etc. I just wondered whether you were getting some of this sort of vibe/comment lately and that was what prompted you to post here?
And, just maybe, now your dd is getting near to the age that Jesse died at? And that is proving unexpectedly hard to deal with?
All these feelings are normal, or they were for me and other parents at my SANDS group anyway. No matter how much you love and bond with a subsequent child, you do still feel a huge sense of anger that your dead baby was cheated of all these experiences and pleasures. And sometimes you feel guilty for taking such delight in them when the missing member of the family is not there too.
Dd will be three this summer and two weeks later we will remember the birth of her big brother. It does get less raw, but the bereavement becomes part of you, it never fades. You find ways of living with it. Doobydoo is right. You are at a tender stage right now - a six week old baby is hard work! and you are still grieving for Jesse. But it does get better.
I hope posting here helps you a little. Quite a few of us Mners have experience of late miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death :( and you will find a lot of support and love on here. It helped me through the worst time of my life.

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donnie · 17/04/2006 19:11

I am really sorry to hear this jellynump, what a very sad story. I don't really have anything I can say to help or advise but there are lots of MNers who will be able to offer practical help I am sure.
xxxxxxxxxx
ps jesse is a lovely name for your little boy.

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fairyjay · 17/04/2006 19:34

Just thinking of you Jelly. You must talk, and not keep things bottled up.

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blueteddy · 17/04/2006 19:51

I am so sorry that you lost your little boy, JellyNump.Sad
I cannot begin to imagine how painful it must have been for you.
Thinking of you.xx

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jmum6 · 17/04/2006 20:20

Oh Jelly I'm so sorry for you. I don't have any expeiences that can help you, but do keep talking about it. Sad

Just wanted to bump you.

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Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 17/04/2006 20:26

Jelly - I'm so sorry for your loss Sad

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fullmoonfiend · 17/04/2006 20:30

Jelly, just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and to reiterate that SANDS is a wonderful organisation. I don't speak from personal experience, but (sadly), I know 2 other mums who have lost children, and they have both said how much SANDS have helped them - they met each other through their local group and so, were able to support each other. I hope you find some similar support, and I wish you and your family much love and hugs and future happiness. x

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desperatehousewife · 17/04/2006 20:35

Jellynump - i cannot add anything that Marina hasn't already - she is so eloquent.

I am so so sorry for what you have been through -I lost my second child (had a stillbirth) at 25 weeks pregnant in November, so my experience is not the same as yours, but I second Marina - the experience and the grief becomes part of your life and you have to get to know a new you. But yes, it does get better. But you may well find you go one step forward and then suddenly for no apparent reason you feel yourself going several steps back again. But the general trend will be that you will go forward - but it will take time.

Please don't be hard on yourself at the moment - you have a six week old baby - even without the terrible bereavment you have gone through, life wtih a new six week old is tough. You are a slave to yo-yo-ing hormones at the moment and i believe many people have a bit of a 'crash' hormonally 6 or 7 weeks post giving birth.

I found Sands very helpful - they are all women who have lost a baby one way or another. They are the only people who really understand what you have been through and it does help to talk.

I hope that you have had some counselling or if not that you might consider it. It's painful, but I'm sure it helps to put everything in order, thought wise.

I wish you so much luck and support and love.
x

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/04/2006 20:42

I have no advice. I just wanted to say that i am so sorry to hear of your loss. Sad

You will find great comfort and advice here on mumsnet though.

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doobydoo · 18/04/2006 12:06

Hi JellyNump
Just wanted you to know that you are being thought of.

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JellyNump · 18/04/2006 14:56

Thanks for all your messages, they do help.

Marina - you are right, I do sometimes feel that I don't have time for Jesse because of Bonnie, his new sister and I thought it was a bit 'disrespectful' that MIL was saying how excited she was about the new baby and how wonderful it was I was pregnant again at Jesse's funeral, I didn't know that until recently when Mum told me.
Donnie - Thanks, he's named after his GG Grandad (JellyNump my username was one of his nicknames)

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spacecadet · 18/04/2006 15:04

jellynump-im so sorry to read about your loss.
i had a stillborn baby boy 16 years ago and when i fell pregnant again very quickly, i tortured myself during my pregnancy that something would go wrong and felt guilty for having another baby.i finally had extensive counselling 4 years ago after ds2 was born , i know now that i never really grieved properly at the time i lost him.
i recently lost another baby at 23 weeks, a little girl, who was perfectlky healthy but died because i contracted a severe kidney infection and went into prem labour.
im still trying to come to terms with it, it gets easier as each day goes by.
time is a great healer, you will never forget your little boy, but as eacxh year passes, it will be easier to cope.

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swedishmum · 19/04/2006 17:29

JellyNump, what a horrible time you've been through. My baby died at 24 hours, and then her twin was about to go on a ventilator at 3 weeks but pulled through. A year later my ds was due on the day my baby died - I asked to be induced so there was no possibility of them sharing a special day. It took a while not to be really worried with the children all the time. I would thoroughly recommend writing a diary - it's cathartic. I wrote down all my feelings for ages, and we have a box for baby things.
It's nothing like what you went through though. Would agree that SANDS would be good people to talk to.

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JellyNump · 19/04/2006 23:04

swedishmum - I kept a diary for Jesse while he was alive, it has what we did each day in it and things like his time in hospital when he was born, the day he had his first op etc and I have got a box with all the cards we had for when he was born and the sympathy cards we had too, also the one and only babygro he actually fitted into because he was small but had really long legs, there is also a book the hospital gave us when he died, with pics of him, a lock of his hair (which i divided and put half into a locket i wear all the time) and foot and hand prints

QUESTION - Do any of you have pics that were taken of your stillborn babies or deceased babies and do you look at them? My dh won't look at the pictures of Jesse after he died, but I sort of find it helps but i'm not really sure why?!

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FrumpyGrumpy · 19/04/2006 23:10

Just sending you love honey xx.

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swedishmum · 19/04/2006 23:21

I have pictures after she died but don't look at them - the nurse took them and gave them to us. She's in a "special" moses basket, but they don't look like her if you understand what I mean. We never look at the pictures - they just stay in the box. Didn't even look at them just after she died. They seem so unreal. I'm sure if she'd been stillborn we would feel very differently about them.

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